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 Posted: Thu Nov 02, 2006 7:54 pm
He couldn't stand it.
He couldn't stand it Yamagawa couldn’t stand it he shouldn't have said it he shouldn’t have saiddonedid anything he shouldn't.. he should have said it. He had known that, Yamagawa should have known that. It wouldn't ever work out, nothing did, and Kiba said he would leave Kiba wanted to leave and.. and what was Yamagawa to him that Kiba would stay, stay here with him, instead of going away far far from here far from Yamagawa and.. even though thatthis thought hurt so much, maybe.. maybe he wanted to go with the darkdarksnakethingoffness. Hadn't he wanted to, when that personsnakething was here? It was all so fuzzy, but..
But maybe.. just maybe even though Kiba said he said he wanted him and Yamagawa didn't like hadn't liked the othersnakepersonthing the.. the offness the.. the sense of something darkdirtyfilthy and the offness the sheer staleness of the other just pouring out flooding the room tainting the very air and making Yamagawa's skin crawl uneasily, maybe.. maybe Kiba still wanted to go. Maybe.. maybe even though Yamagawa had said he loved Kiba --why did he say that whywhywhywhystupidwhy?!-- that.. that maybe just wasn't enough for Kiba. Maybe Yamagawa wasn't enough for Kiba, even though he wanted to give all of himself all of it anything everything all the light all the darkness everything but it just wasn't enough..!
So that was it. Yamagawa just wasn't enough. He was never enough. He was a nothing pretending only pretending to be a something and even though Kiba had made him feel like a something Kiba.. Kibahimthey still knew still knew that Yamagawa was nothing would be nothing never ever a something..
Gently, slowly, he lifted the other's head up, cupping his cheeks with his hands for a moment before leaning forward and pressing a softsoftlight kiss over the other's eyes, tasting the saltyhotpained tears on his lips afterwards. Yamagawa.. he.. he didn't want to let Kiba go, he didn't want to couldn’t shouldn't wouldn't never ever Kiba can't go never..! "..I'm sorry." He breathed out, eyes slipping shut. "I.." I won't say it again I wouldn’t' ever ever I don't want to hurt you..!!
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Posted: Thu Nov 02, 2006 8:25 pm
Again. Butter had sat there, blandblank eyes carefully emptied of everythinganything, fingers still stained with the redredbright blood and even though it was dry now, even though everything anything all of Zanis' touches had faded to a nothing more than a burningfaint sensation --except for his lips, which still burnedtingledstung, and the lickingthingwhatwhy, which was.. which was hothotwarm on his cheek, almost pulsing --but Butter didn't have any pulse; his heart did beat but only just enough for his blood to circulate-- with hothotwarmburningpainwet energytinglyfeeling as the doctor approached.
That kissnotkiss thing --he dimlyfaintly recognized that, as a second time, it could actually be called a kiss-- was harder than the lastfirst brushinglightlightlightlysoft onekissthing. Harder and hotter and moremoremore of the differentweirdstrangetingling pain that sent differentweird shivershudder through his body and Butter wasn't sure if it was a good kind or a bad kind but.. but it was different different from anything else he had ever seenfeltremembered and.. and it was good..!
A sigh --a ghost of a breath, a ghost of a memory, somethingnothingflicker at the back of his head-- left Butter's lips as he leant in faintlyslightly into the touch, lightslightalmostinvisible tremorshiver sort of something going through him and that was strange, because Butter had never ever shivered he didn't feel couldn't feel he didn't need to breathe either so why was he taking a slightslightbreaththing in? Butter didn't know, but he just somehow did, somehow wanted to breathe because Zanis was so close again sosososoveryclose again and.. and even though it was hothurtingburning it was a strangedifferent sort and it was different because none of them nothing ever made Butter shivertremble like that nothing except that now Zanis did, and..
And it definitely hurt, that didn't change. But it was a pain beyond pain, a hurtinghot beyond the burningheat that Butter hatedfeared. This was a pain yet not pain, heat but not heat, because heathotnessburning didn't couldn’t feel like this, they hadn't ever felt like this ever neverever and now it did so.. so did that mean that he wasn't a complete nothingnoone anymore? Did that mean.. did that mean that he wasn't as dead, wasn't quite dead wasn't quite living but not dead and.. and did that mean that or just Zanis was different?
His hand rose up, almost idle in its movement as he absentlycuriously ran them overagainstthrough the darksilken locks of the other's hair, fingertips brushing against Zanis' shoulder sending another shiversparkle down his spine and why was he feeling like this why was he feeling but.. but it was a gooddifferent kind of pain not baddifferent and.. and Butter needed to know more needed to know whyhow Zanis was different why he was feeling this way why..?
"Again." It wasn't quite a request, it wasn't quite an order wasn't quite a begging, just a palepalefaceeyes looking up --flash of redangryraw like wound-- and a flickerflickersomethingnothingstrange look, an open curiositywondernotknowing look flaring up on the utterly, utterly blanknessemptiness.
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Posted: Thu Nov 02, 2006 9:11 pm
There was something a little strange about Butter, Zanis decided.
He kept saying 'again' like it was a good thing. Only it wasn't, Zanis knew that, because it was hurting, he saw the flickerburninghotness flash through the colorless eyes, and if it hurt that much why was he asking for more? Zanis, he might be able to understand that for himself, because he enjoyed pain, be it others' or --just recently found-- his own. But Butter...Butter hadn't seemed to enjoy it at first, only now there was the odd idea that maybe...maybe Butter didn't enjoy it but maybe he didn't not enjoy it either, because if he kept asking for more then he couldn't totally hate the kissburningrawredhot feeling, right?
Did that make Butter a masochist?
Even if Butter was, it wasn't like Zanis had any plans to not oblige. Mostly because he wanted to kiss Butter, which was another strangeusualforeign feeling, but it might not be as bad as some of the earlier had made him feel. It had always been about claimingbrandingdefilingbreaking before, so actually wanting to kiss someone just for the sheer sake of kissing them was strange in its own right, but it was a little exhilarating, too, because it was so different. But not different in a bad way, different in a...a new sort of way, where you're not quite sure if the different thing is good or bad, but could definately come to like it if things go well. And Butter had --twice now-- asked him to kiss him again.
Things, so far, were definately going well.
An almost delighted invisible shiver sort of thing slid down his body at the feel of Butter's fingers going through his hair, his preciousprecious hair he let no one touch because people were dirtyflawedemotionfull which meant that if they touched his hair they'd get his hair dirty and Zanis took great pride in his hair. But it was somehoe okay with Butter, because Butter was perfect, and if he was perfect then it was alright because he wasn't flaweduselessdirty like all the other stupid people in the world.
And if he wasn't like everyone else, then there really was no reason why he couldn't accept the zombie's request and kiss him again, right?
He paused only marginally before the next kiss, breath washing hotly over the other's face and leaving eversofaint twinges of pink of the flesh. "What do you want?" the curious whisper asked, before the words were pushed away and Zanis' lips met Butter's again, one hand resting on the table beside Butter's hip, the other hovering a little uncertainly behind the zombie's head. He needed to know what Butter wanted, wanted from himthemthiseverything because there were certain things that Zanis wasn't willing to cede to, and he had to know.
Besides, he was a little curious as to what Butter hopedwanted to gain from this...this tryst sort of thing happening right now between them.
What did Butter want enough that he didn't mind hurting for?
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Posted: Fri Nov 03, 2006 1:07 am
What did he want?
That softsoftquietgood sort of feeling, the other being so close and the quietquiet almostnothearing thoughtwhisperhotwarmbreath made the zombie pause, even as the strange excitingdifferentdelightful shivershudderthing --he was dead; he wasn't shouldn't be shiveringfeeling anything at all-- went shooting through down his spine at the touch of Zanis' lips. No-one.. no-one had ever asked him that before.
That.. that was another different thing about Zanis. Nobody asked Butter what he wanted; nobody had cared, simply enough. Because Butter was nothing and he was dead and felt nothing wanted nothing atedrank nothing he was nothing. They told him to do something, he did. They told him to lie down, so he did. They told him to sleep, so he did. Nobody had cared, nobody had thought of Butter, nobody had.. nobody had ever thought of Butter as --maybemaybemaybehedidn'tknow-- a not-nothing before. Never, except for Zanis.
But.. but what did he want? He should answer Zanis' question, because Butter always knew he knew how quickly people's moodfeelingsthings could change and if Zanis got mad right now he would be even more hotterwarmer more painful than how he was now --even though it was a different kind of pain-- and.. and Butter didn't somehow he didn't want to have Zanis angry at him. So he had to answer the questionwhisperhotthing, but.. but there was nothing he truly actually wanted. He had never thought about it until just now, Zanis' breathlipsZanis scorchingburning his very existence down beyond the exterior, the palepaledead skin flaringupbrightpained under his touchlipswarmthlife, beyond the skinlips down to the very core and he was too closetooclosetooclosecloseclose..!
Butter had to pull back a little, more because his head was swimmingmelting overloaded with all the different maybe-pain maybe-notpain fizzingtingling overinsideoutside him everywhereanywhere of Butter's bodymindheadlips because Zanis was sososo too close and.. and the headyfuzziness wasn't going away at all and maybe it was because of the bloodfizzinghotwarmth because he couldn’t think properly..
"I don't know." Butter's lips brushed against the doctor's softsoftly with every soft breathed syllables, the blankwhite eyes staring half-closed curiouswantingtoknowwanting. He could feel the other's warmth, burning through his fingers with the darksilkyheavy hair that was not as warmwarmhotburning as the rest of Zanis but not quite coldcolddead either, like Butter. And.. and the heat was seeping through Zanis' clothes into his body everywhereanywhere and it was too hot too too much heatwarmthpain differentpain but.. but he didn't want to let Zanis go yet nonotyet not until Butter knew what this strangeweirdthingfeelingthing was..!
"I don't know, but.." The zombie leant towards the other slightly, twining his fingers once more around the darkdark locks of hair --Zanis' hair was beautifulnicesoftsilkynotdead-- and pulled the doctor closer, eyes slittedhalfclosed but still emptyemptyblankflicker. "But.. I want to know this.." He wanted to know this, know Zanis, understand a little bit more of this complicated strangeweirdheatthing that was both pain but not pain. That was the first thing that Butter had wanted ever, and that was to know why Zanis had made him feel like this, making him feel like this. He wanted.. "--please."
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Posted: Fri Nov 03, 2006 5:20 am
Yamagawa said it again.
It was so terribly not funny how Yamagawa had saidpromised he wouldn't leave but he was, he kept going away with every 'I'm sorry', kept retreating further and further into himself. But Kiba had done it first, so it wasn't like he didn't understand. It was just that it still hurt so much, knowing that Yamagawa was leaving him while he was still here. At least if he was leaving physically Kiba wouldn't keep being taunted with Yamagawa's scentsmelltouchtaste everywhere. Because he was, Yamagawa was just taunting Kiba with himself by leaving but still being here and it wasn't fair...
The snake pressed his lips together as Yamagawa raised his head, failing but at least trying to keep the silent laughter inside. It wasn't that he wanted to make Yamagawa draw away --which he was pretty certain the laughter would do; it wasn't a nice sort of laughing at all-- because that wasn't the only reason. It was just that he was afraid he would go completely over the edge if Yamagawa went any further away, because he was already too far for Kiba to reach, and any further would make him shatter and Yamagawa said he loved Kiba so Yamagawa didn't want that, right? Because Yamagawa wasn't like Zanis and Yamagawa didn't think broken was beautiful --right?-- so why was he still going away? Because if Yamagawa wasn't like Zanis he should stop retreating from Kiba, because Kiba didn't want to be what Zanis wanted, he wanted to be what Yamagawa wanted. Only he didn't know what Yamagawa wanted anymore because Yamagawa wouldn't tell him what he wanted from Kiba.
The memory of the kiss still lingering gentlyfaintly over his eyes, Kiba let them slide open, watching Yamagawa close his, and somehow that made him slip further away, made Yamagawa distance himself by not looking which meant...which meant he didn't want to see see Kiba and that was bad because Kiba wanted to see Yamagawa only he didn't want to see Yamagawa walkawaygoawayleave only he was because Yamagawa didn't want to see him and...and...
A choking, desperate sort of sob slid out, turning the laughter into...not exactly crying but not exactly still laughing either, just something in between. Almost violently shaking by now, he brought a hand up to his mouth, pressing it against his lips in an attempt to keep the soundsoblaughter in --didn't really help much-- and just...just watched Yamagawa gogogo far away like he promised he wouldn't and it hurt sososomuchwhydidithurt? He should have...he should have been prepared for this, for Yamagawa leaving because he was always prepared for people leaving so why...why was it hurting so much now, why with Yamagawa?
Hadn't he prepared?
The other hand reached out, one shaking finger fluttering faintly over the thin skin of Yamagawa's eyelid almost...almost curiously because...because they were so thin and if he just sort of knocked Yamagawa out and took them away then Yamagawa couldn't not look again, right? He wouldn't be able to not look, and it would...it would...it wouldn't work, would it? It just...it wouldn't, because if Yamagawa didn't want to lok, he was the type of person who would...just stare at you but look right through you and that...that would have been even more worse than Yamagawa not looking. Which meant...it meant that he had to deal with Yamagawa not looking, even though it hurt so much because at least it was a little better than Yamagawa looking but not seeing him. Because that would hurt even more than this.
Slowly, slowlyslowlyslowly, the brokencrumbledshattered walls Yamagawa had torn down before, by going inside him, carefullytentatively began to rebuild. If he...if it was going to hurt this much then Kiba would just...just not let it hurt like before. He'd block everything out again and never let anything touch him again not even Yamagawa because Yamagawa was going away and feeling nothing --even feeling the darkbitingcoldemptiness again-- was preferable to feeling this, this complete absolute feeling of...torture. Like Yamagawa was stomping on his heart or something with every step, every mental retreat, and Kiba didn't want to feel anymore, not if it meant feeling that. So he just...he wouldn't.
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Posted: Fri Nov 03, 2006 6:25 am
The snake hesitated only marginally against being pulled closer, but Butter was doing something funny to him because...because even though he had such strength --knew he had more than enough strength to pull away if he wanted to-- he somehow...he couldn't, he couldn't make himself pull away. Because Butter had...had said he wanted to know and that was almostmaybe just like Zanis' feeling of not knowing but wanting to know. Even though it might not really be the same, because Butter's feelings could very well be different from Zanis' for all he knew.
But Zanis knew what he was feeling and he wanted to know why, because he had neverevernever felt anything quite like this before, nothing quite like the coldshivery sort of tingle flowing down his spine, or the knowledge that he was hurting Butter --he didn't want to-- but it was almost okay because Butter wanted to know. He'd never been in two minds about anything before, only now he was, because he wanted to hurt Butter if it would help himButterthey know, only he didn't want to touch Butter ever again if it meant that those bright marks were flare up under his touch no matter how pretty. And...and he wanted to now about the strange lumpy sort of thing in his throat that almost felt annoying but it wasn't quite so bad because he could still very easily swallowbreathe around it, even though it was there, so he wanted to know what it was and he wanted to know a whole plethora of other things he couldn't quite describe, so he couldn't pull away just yet with all this wanting to know.
Besides, he decided quite rationally, he couldn't very well just pull away, not with Butter still clinging to his hair like that. That would just have ripped his hair, and that was stupid.
And Zanis wasn't stupid.
So he didn't quite protest leaning in again, because really, Butter's lips moving against his like that when he had talked had really felt quite nice, and he had a sudden urge to do it again, feel it again, simply because it felt nice. Strange, because things had never felt nice before. There was always a tinge of anger or hate or rage behind everything Zanis had ever felt, always that lingering darkness, even behind the feelings that should have been pleasant, and Zanis had never questioned it simply bcause it was always like that. But now...now there weren't any negative feelings lingering --well, maybe a few, but not nearly as many as normal-- and he was wondering if maybe this idea of niceness without angerhurtburningragefeelings behind it could maybe be okay for him to feel. Even though it felt so strange, maybe it would be okay.
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Posted: Fri Nov 03, 2006 10:35 am
So it was true.
He actually was incompetent at everything and anything just like what they said but he hadn't believed it because this thing this skill this curse this.. what he could do was all he had and if he was incompetent at that then it was useless he was useless and that meant that he was even more of a nothing, more of a nothingdirtyfilthy creature that he coulnd't stand himself if he was not good enough because being inadequate was bad and that meant that you were not needed, not wanted for your shortcomingsflawsdirtiness and now Kiba didn't want him because Yamagawa just wasn't enough..!
He should have gone away before. He should have gone, before Kiba realisednoticed his dirtiness his flawed somethingnothing his incompetence his.. his everything was a heap of flawed, distorted dirty mass that Yamagawa was trying so hard to avoid, to not look to not look at himself because he was useless and.. and Kiba thinking that he was useless just hurthurthurt so terriblyhorriblyaching more than anythingeverything else and Yamagawa couldn't stop saying 'I'm sorry' even though Kiba had told him to not to because he'll bite him and if Kiba bit him Yamagawa'll die but.. but there was a some certain appealing ideathoughtfeeling in that, having the person you love --stopthinkingstopstop-- having the person you would, heh, die for, kill you.
Not that it would very much change if Kiba didn't bite him now, because Yamagawa could easily do that to himself. He could rip his own heart out, for one. That.. that would be beautiful, feeling your own heart tear away out your body all redredrednice and it would be beautiful because.. because even though the idea was slightly disturbing, Kiba might want it, Kiba might like to have it because Yamagawa had nothingnoone left over noone he loved except for Kiba and.. and Kiba was special so he might like to keep his heart for him, if Yamagawa died.
The thoughts weren't so very comforting, but.. but it seemed right, to kill himself, to disappear, to.. to actually be a nothing again to actually be nothingnoone just a phantom ghostspirit thing again that nobody cared about because that was all he was. Yamagawa spent his whole life trying to run away from it, and he had thought he found it in Kiba because Kiba made hims something finally made him feel something not the colddarkness and that was something but.. but now that Kiba knew he was nothing, now that Kiba didn't love him and wanted to leave wanted to go he.. Yamagawa wouldn't mind being a nothingnoonething, wouldn't care wouldn't ever try to be a something ever again because Kiba thought he was nothing.
"I love you," Why was he still saying that he didn't understand whywhywhywhywhywhy? Yamagawa took a soft breath in, scenttouchfeel of Kiba somehow strongernotstronger when he closed his eyes when they were so far away even though they were so close he wanted to be closer but.. but Kiba didn't want to because Yamagawa was nothing and.. The redhead's voice broke his walls so carefullycarefully scraped back repairing itself broke again shatteredscattered millionsthousands of pieces and hesitantly, desperately, Yamagawa drew Kiba closer to him drew closer to Kiba, not wanting to let go shaking so sososomuch why did he say that.. "I'll give you my everythinganythingall just don't go..!
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Posted: Fri Nov 03, 2006 10:53 am
The closeness.. The closeness the heat the warmth the burningburning firelife inside Zanis positively seared through the clothing --blackblacksmooth just like his hair-- ontoover Butter's skin and it hurt but somehow he didn't mind hurting he didn't mind feeling Zanis burn him when he had minded everybodyeverything else because Zanis was making him feel strangedifferent, Zanis was making him feel this flicker of pain but something else not quite entirely pain but not quite anything else either, and.. and Butter wanted to know wanted to find out what this was.
Plus, Zanis kissednotkissed him and that was different too because Butter was dead and.. and people just didn't want to kiss dead people nothings. Of course, it could also mean that Zanis didn't care and he was just kissingnotkissing hm because Butter had asked but hadn't Zanis kissednotkissed him before? And.. and even if Butter had asked him to if Zanis hadn't wanted he wouldn't kissnotkiss Butter so there mustshould be some kind of somethingelse something.. and and Butter needed to know that too even if Zanislifefire burnedhurt him..!
And.. Butter decidedthought dimly as he tilted his head slightly, lips meeting Zanis stinginghurtingunsureawkward because he hadn't ever kissed anyone had never wanted to kiss anyone but now he did now Butter wanted to kiss Zanis because it was differentsomethingelse and.. and Butter liked this kind of pain.
He normally didn't like pain, hadn't ever liked it, hadn't ever gotten completely used to --how could he get used to it--the fieryburning scorching pain over his body staining the pale skin redredangry and Butter hadn't ever never ever found any sort of somethingelse feelings in it other than burninghotheatblinding pain and.. and that was it, painblinding from the moment it started to when it faded back under his carefulcold touches inside his room inside where no heat nothing could come in to hurt him and it still hurt until his skin faded back to being colddeadwhitepalenothing, and he didn't like pain that kind of pain. Except..
Except now, when Zanis touched him there was a brief flashburninghurt of pain first, making Butter gasp slightly flashingpainflicker over his faceeyeslips and that was the same, somehow, to all the old kinds of pain that he had known, but it only lasted briefly just enough for Butter to register the hurt before it faded away to something else, something quite like pain quite like aching but not, because it was more tingly than pain more good than aching and.. and it was just different.
And Butter wanted to knowneeded to know.
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Posted: Fri Nov 03, 2006 6:51 pm
Don’t go? Don’t go? Was Yamagawa honestly asking that? How could he be asking that? Kiba wasn’t even the one moving away! Yamagawa was the one drawing into himself, and even though he was clutching Kiba so tightly there was still that huge gap between them, even though they were touching so close Kiba still couldn’t reach Yamagawa because Yamagawa wasn’t there. He just wasn’t. He was pulling away from Kiba because Kiba had saiddid something he shouldn’t have. And Kiba was just sitting still it was Yamagawa who was going away farfarawaytoofarforKibatoreach...
And Yamagawa was asking him to stay?
A harsh barking sort of laugh slid from his mouth, and he raised his head to send a teary sort of glare that had no real backing at the other doctor. “Me?!” he shrieked, voice getting shrill as hysteria fought for control no he couldn’t get more hysterical than he already was yeeesss… “I’m not the one leaving!” Because it was Yamagawa who was retreating, and Kiba just wanted to stay with him forever and ever because Yamagawa made him feel safe but not when he was doing this. Yamagawa got so close and made all of Kiba’s walls fall down and it had been wonderful because he had known that nothing could harm him if Yamagawa was that close, and now that safety was going away leaving him all exposed because his walls had fallen, and it was just so hard to put them back together again simply because Hysteria was causing a riot and Self-Protectionwas getting trampled under a bunch of other swarming emotions.
“It’s not me,” he repeated, voice still higher than it should have been, but at least he wasn’t yelling anymore. It was…it was getting hard to tell where his shaking ended and Yamagawa’s began, and that was almost funny because it was almost like they were morphing into one person, their trembling blurring the lines between them and melding them together. But even if they had been the same person, it would have still been useless, wouldn’t it? Because Yamagawa was still so far away and even if they had shared the same bodyheartmindsoul Yamagawa would still be too far out of reach and no matter how desperateappealingnice the idea sounded, to be one with Yamagawa, it didn’t matter because Yamagawa was still going to leave.
And if Yamagawa left, what was left?
Nothing. If Yamagawa left anymore, he might as well just give himself over to Zanis, because nothing Zanis could do would be worse than what Yamagawa was doing right now. Because it wouldn’t hurt if Zanis walked away because Kiba knew that Zanis didn’t care, but Yamagawa did and didn’t people who caredlikedloved someone care about what they were doing to the other person? So if Yamagawa vanished away, just got up and walked away and left then Kiba would just go to Zanis and give up because even though he’d said he couldn’t bite Yamagawa, not ever never ever. Yamagawa had a vitality that all people had, and Kiba could never ever have taken that away from Yamagawa.
Wouldn’t it be funny though, the more cynical part of him sneered, if even Zanis had found someone else and didn’t want you? Because if even Zanis didn’t want him anymore, then it would just prove that Kiba was completely useless, and useless things were better off disposed of, right? So if that happened, ifwhen Yamagawa left and if Zanis didn’t want him anymore, then what would he be able to do anymore? If he really was useless, what could he do?
Still staringwatching Yamagawa, veryveryvery close to the edge of hysteria, he began reviewing all the poisons he had.
If worst happened…he would need them.
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Posted: Fri Nov 03, 2006 7:32 pm
Yamagawa flinched, actually, physically flinchedwincedrecoiled from those words, green eyes snapping open needingwantingto.. to what there was nothingnothing against those words no way to stop them no-- as if they were actual tangible beings floating lashing out at him like angrydark whips and somehow he would be able to dodge them. But no, they struck down cuttingdigging embedding themselves tighttight inside his chest and it hurt.
It wasn't necessarily hurting because they were lodged so fast inside him inside his chest prickling harshlysharply every time he breathed, every time his heart beat, but more because.. more because Kiba was hurting, and.. and why had he hurt Kiba he couldn’t hurt Kiba nonononono not ever but the voice the angrysadpainedsharpbad voice.. it.. it hurt and.. and Yamagawa had hurt Kiba because he was going away why he couldn’t he shouldn't he shouldn't never hurt Kiba but he was and he didn't know how to stooooop he had to stop..!!
"I--" He was crying; he could feel the warmweirdburning feel of it welling up, hot under his eyelids sliding down his cheeks and it burned and sosososovery weird because he hadn't really cried, not really, and.. and now he was and it was so strange so strangeweirdstrangeness and it was bad because now he was waveringwobblingshattering again and he couldn't do that, he couldn't shatter because.. because it was bad and there won't be Kiba --because Kiba will be gone-- to.. to piece Yamagawa back together and even though Yamagawa kindofmaybe wanted to stay broken, wanted to be nothing be grounded down into dust into nothing but at the same time he didn't because he was sosososo scaredsickfrustrated of the darknessnothingness but he couldn't stop it coming because Kiba was going away--
And now Kiba was saying that he was leaving --was he? He didn't want to leave couldn’t leave shouldn't ever leave just stay here stay here with Kiba why was he leaving howwhy?-- and Yamagawa wasn't leaving couldn’t be leaving even though it hurt and.. and he didn't want to hurt Kiba, he didn't because.. because Kiba was something special something precious something to Yamagawa, he was.. "--I'm s-sorry." The redhead managed to hiccupgasp out, the angrytearfulhurting goldenyellow eyes stingingburningburned into his head, into his mind into his soul and he couldn't block it out block the words block the sadsad--can'tbesad-- eyes out but even though his eyes were closed he didn't want to see them he couldn't..!!
I'm sorry. That seemed to be all he could say, the only thing he could say and it sounded so feeble, so meaningless so sososovery fragile flat blank empty nothingness, an empty promise an empty thing just justlikeYamagawa just as nothing as Yamagawa. "I didn't mean to leave I didn't know I can't leave I can't leave you I'm sorry I won't everIwon'teverdoitagainplease--"
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Posted: Fri Nov 03, 2006 8:56 pm
It wasn’t…it wasn’t like Zanis didn’t know. He knew it was hurting Butter, could feel the gaspyhurtsound, watched the hurtpainburn flickerflashrun across Butter's eyesface only...only he...didn't want to stop. Because if he stopped, he'd find out somehow that it was all a lie, all just something...something made up and that wasn't good, not good at all, because Butter was just so perfect that it would just be a shame to find out he wasn't real, wasn't there so it couldn't stop he couldn't stop even if it hurt.
Beside, Butter had asked for more.
Zanis hesitated for only a millinanosecond before pressing into the kiss, eyes lidding halfway but still open. He liked watching them watching Butter because he liked the emotionsfeelingsfear that usually flickered across their faces, and even though there was none of that going acorss Butter's face --no emotions, no feelingsfear-- there was still that flickerflash of pain, and beyond that there was something different inbehindaround Butter's eyesface, something else, something...something intangibleunidentifiabledifferne't than just similar hurtingpainflickerflash, because Zanis knew what that looked like and this was different.
Plus, this was different for Zanis, too, different than anything he had ever felt. Even when he had been with other peopleexperiments it hadn't been like this, hadn't ever been so...so...warmdifferentstrange and it had never ever felt notangryrageburninghate so this was new but maybe...maybe this time new wasn't necessarily a bad thing? Zanis was, on the whole, a fan of banning all new thingsfeelingseverything, but maybe...maybe this new feeling with Butter, this different sort of warmcurlingnice feeling in his stomach...maybe it was okay?
Carefullyslowlygently, his hovering hand slid through the limp dark locks, slender fingers twiningdartingweaving through the strands. It was a little coarser than Zanis thought that any hair should have ever been but it was okay, in a strange sort of way. Rough thing weren’t smoothniceflawless, but somehow Butter’s hair was just as prettyperfect as the rest of Butter was even though it was so roughunrefinednotsmooth but it was fine because it was Butter’s. And Zanis had already decided that Butter was perfectbeautiful with or without flawscutswoundsblood. Prettier with, most certainly, but that hurt --at least, him touching to make the biteswoundsblood hurt-- and he didn’t want to hurt Butter. So…so the roughcoarse locks were finebeautifulperfect because they were Butter’s.
He still wanted to brush it, though…
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Posted: Fri Nov 03, 2006 9:28 pm
"Stop it!!!" With amazing speed, Kiba released Yamagawa's shirt and clapped his hands over his ears, shrinking --kind of-- into a sort of ballshapedhuddle in Yamagawa lap. "Stop saying that!!!" Yamagawa said, he said he wouldn't go away! Why was he still saying that? He'd said! If he didn't want to go away, he had to stop saying that why wasn't he? Why was he doing this? Why was he leaving? He said!
He couldn't go but he had to stoooop...
A shudderychokysobwhimper sort of thing left him, and Kiba just stared down at his lap, eyes swimming in and out of focus and he would much rather stay out of focus because everything was all blurry like that and blurry was much more preferrable because blurry...blurry made sharp things seem just a little less sharp --eyesight-wise, at least-- and he didn't want it, didn't want to seehearfeel Yamagawa leaving anymore so he just wanted to stop his senses and maybe he really could just shut down into one of those stupid living dolls Zanis liked, because maybe it would work if he wanted it, right? And...and he did, he wanted everything to stop if notstopping hurt this much if notstopping had Yamagawa still going away.
Because...because Yamagawa wouldn't stay, he'd just retreat further and further away, no matter what Kiba askedbeggedpleaded, because he kept saying that, he kept apologizing and Kiba had askedbeggedthreatened and Yamagawa still couldn't stop saying it, couldn't stop drawing away, and didn't Yamagawa feel it? How could not know? Everyone knewshouldknow that apologies were distancingpullingawaydrawingback why did Yamagawa keep saying it? Why...why was he still...why was this hurting so much? Kiba had had apologies thrown his way before, so why was it so much worse with Yamagawa? Was it because Yamagawa had torn down all his walls and exposed him and now was just leaving him openexposednakedbroken like this? Or was it because--
"--love you," he mumbled, not even sure the words slipped past his lips. He was well beyond the point of caring anymore, far past any sort of reluctance to something because of consequences, and he just needed to keep Yamagawa here here not going away and Yamagawa had said he loved Kiba and that had...had helped make Kiba not go away and maybe it would work for Yamagawa if Kiba said it?
Because...because if it didn't work...then...then Kiba had nothing no way of keeping Yamagawa here, and without Yamagawa here...then...Kiba had nothing felt nothing...
Without Yamagawa here...Kiba was nothing.
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Posted: Fri Nov 03, 2006 11:59 pm
That.. that thing, that hair fingerrunningthroughcombing thing that Zanis was doing through his hair even as Butter kindofmaybesomehow drew pressedpressing closer to the other, that.. that hair thing definitely wasn't pain, because it sent a little tinglyshock thing from the roots of the hair straight into his head down his spine and.. and pain just didn't didn't do things like that, didn't ever feel like that and Butter knew that wasn't quitepain notpain because he knew pain and this wasn't it.
Pain had never made him this.. this wanting before either.
Because right now Butter wanted this, he knew he wanted this because Zanis had asked and he had answered and he knew he wanted this wanted to find out what this is and even though there was that same flickerflash of painpainpainpain, it was so shortsharpbrief that it was almost like quck jabs with a burninghotheated needle --he had gotten that too; sometime longlonglong sososoverymuch long time ago that it was more of a hideous horrible half-formed nightmare than a memory and Butter was glad of it-- but almost like it, not exactly because that had been pure agony, pure.. pure lasting long soverylong torturehurtpainburning hoursdaysweekssolong and.. and this wasn't hurting as much, this wasn't as painful because Butter had asked because he wanted this.
Even though it kind of maybealittlejustalittle hurt, Butter was fine with it. Because he had asked.
The blankwhitepale eyes calmlywonderinglycuriously stared into the goldenyellowwarm colour of the other's eyes, the pinprick pupil only flickeringwavering marginally. Somehow, he liked Zanis' eyes; even though they were --had been-- angryangrycoldburninghotangry before, even though they were hotwarm sort of colour which Butter didn't really like because it was goldenyellow just like his namesake and.. and Butter didn't like his name except that without his name he would benothing and.. and so he had to keep this name even though.. even though he maybejustalittleyesno didn't like this name, but.. but Zanis' eyes were pretty, they were prettily shaped, with.. with warmburningcolour which Butter didn't like but.. but maybedidn'tlikeliked on Zanis, and.. and it was good..
His eyes slipped shut softly --when had they closed whywhathow?-- and a sort of notpained gasp escaped his lips, even though the other's heathotwarmth was searing into his skinlips and they burned and stung slightly, it surprisingly wasn't really painfulpainful and.. and the fingerhandthing on his hair, that.. that felt notpainful and.. and it was sososoverystrangegood..!
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Posted: Sat Nov 04, 2006 12:36 am
He couldn't stop it.
He couldn't stop saying those words even though he didn't want to because Kiba didn't want him to say those words but he couldn't stop himself and he was hurting hurting Kiba and he didn't want to hurt Kiba, couldn't hurt Kiba but he couldn’t help himself from hurting Kiba, however he sososovery didn't want to, and he hated himself for not being able to stop hated himself for hurting hated himself for being so goddamn useless Yamagawa hated..!!
"I--" The redhead gritted his teeth hard, feeling the trembleshakingtremor travel up from deep inside him all the hatreduselessdarknesshate trying to force their way out of him but he couldn'tcan't because.. because Kiba was still here, and.. and Kiba didn't want him to go away Yamagawa couldn’t go away so... so he just couldn't say it wouldn't say it wouldn’t say sorry because Kiba didn't want him to.
"..Okay." A softsoft whispered word --it was too late for any kind of reassurance, any kind of supportsomethingness because Yamagawa was uselessnothing-- escaped the redhead's lips as he slowlycarefullycautiously wrapped his arms around the other's balleduphuddled form, resting his cheek against the other's hair and breathing in softly, trying so hard not to shake not to do anything wrong so wrong because he couldn’t break Kiba; he could see the cracks the hurt the.. the pain on the other's bodyeyeseverywhere and..
"--love you,"
Yamagawa almost didn't catch it, had in fact almost missed it almost didn't hear it because he was about to say something else something else terriblyterribly wrong knowing his luck hoping so very hard against it but still wrong because.. because nothing would be enough for Kiba and Yamagawa was nothing so.. so he wouldn't be enough for Kiba so nothing he said mattered.
But.. but did Kiba actually say it? Did he actually say it did he actually mean it? Was it just.. Was it just Yamagawa himself going crazy and imagining --he was going crazy after all-- that Kiba said he loved him. His fingers trembled almost invisibly where they rested on the thick material of the other doctor's gown, and Yamagawa kind of somehow froze, eyes snapping open wide seeing nothing the words kind of echoing inside but didwhyhowwhatwhy?!
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Posted: Sat Nov 04, 2006 1:08 am
He smiled slightly into the kiss, the corners of his lips quirking upward momentarily as he swallowed Butter's gasp sort of sound, this one sounding decidedly different from the previous one. This one sounded almost...not hurt. Which was strange, because it did hurt, Zanis knew that, because he was touching Butter and that hurt Butter, only Butter was making sounds like he maybequitenotreally didn't feel the pain. Like maybe there was something else --how? zombies had no emotionsfeelings-- beyond the pain and Butter was feeling that instead.
Or else Butter was a masochist and just liked the hurt.
Which Zanis could totally understand. Zanis hadn't...well, he had been hurt before, but then there had just been this needrelease to be satisfied and the hurtpain hadn't really mattered, it was just a side thing. But now he had...he had hurt himself had actually carved a knife through his flesh and the feeling had sent tingles down his spine because when it wasn't surroundedswarmingwoven with that needrelease it had been completely different and he had loved it, embraced it, really, and had every intention of doing it again later. Later when Butter wasn't here, that is --because eventually Butter would leave, no matter what they were doing now-- because he knew his blood was even hotter than his skin which meant it was too hot and there was to much of a chance of hitting Butter with his blood which would be even worse than just touching Butter.
But...maybe Butter was like that. Maybe Butter liked the hurtpainburningsting. Because it was just so hard to imagine the zombie feeling anything but the pain, which ruled out the idea that there was some sort of something underneath the flickerflashsparkpain look, something else different. Which meant that he had imagined the different flickerflash --which also seemed far-fetched. Zanis had never really had much of an imagination. Ever-- because surely the fact that Butter was a zombie simply meant that there couldn't be anything else. He didn't exactly know --zombies weren't his area of study-- but that...sounded possiblyabout right.
Without a sound --a little oddcreepy in it's own right-- Zanis leaned forward just a pinch further, all his weight being supported by his back and his arm resting on the table. Which meant, technically, that should his arm and back break simultaneously, he wouldn't really be able to catch himself from falling on top of Butter, but since that was unlikely to happen... He slid his tongue out, running it gently across Butter's lower lip, still watching the zombie's faceeyes for a flickerflash that said he should stop. Because, surprisingly enough, he was thinking he would stop, if Butter asked him to.
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