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 Posted: Tue Oct 31, 2006 2:17 am
Zanis' fingershandstouches did hurt.
They burnedtingled and made red jarring streaks down his skin the colddeadness hurting because he couldn’t stand couldn't like hurt didn't like being hurt never ever and.. and being dead meant that you were just a nothing and being nothing meant coldcolddead and.. and if you were a nothing then you were always cold and since Butter was dead he was even more coldcoldnothing and that had somehow made sense sort of fuzzilymessily inside his head and.. and that had made sense..
But.. but even though Zanis was just like other people and just like other people's touches Zanis' touches hurtburned, but.. but it was a different sort of pain, somehow.. somehow just different and Butter didn't know whyhowwhatwhy but.. but he was and now the doctorpersonthing had kindofmaybe stopped being so angry and.. and that was good because not angry meant not hotnotheatnotwarm and.. and not warm was good even though.. even though Zanis maybekindamaybeyesnono wasn't quite quite good.. that.. being coldthingnotwarm again.. made him good..
"They hurt.." The blankwhitepaleness flickered, the pinprick irises focusing hazily woozily wavering slightly on a point somewhere where the darkdarkblack shirt met the palepalesmoothpale white skin of Zanis and.. and the contrastblackwhiteness --kind of like Butter but not really because.. because Butter was dead..!-- sparkedfloated some sort of memorywantingfeeling sort of thing inside the zombie, prompting him to.. to just reach out with his non-bleeding hand and brush his fingertips against the shirt collar of the other's, just the tips, grazing notgrazing the smoothdark material and brushing against the other's hair.
"They hurt, but.." His voice was nothing more than a low sort of whisper now, somehow.. somehow that strangeweirdfeeling needing to be quiet but he didn't know why but.. but it was just that sort of momentfeelingthing. Being quiet. Because Zanis was quiet, so.. so it somehow felt wrong to talk when Zanis was quiet because quiet was.. being quiet was good. "But.. it's.. different...."
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Posted: Tue Oct 31, 2006 2:48 am
They hurt.
Yes, Zanis knew that. He knew it could see it in the brightredwhiplashmarks his fingerstongue left across Butter's stomachcheekarm, and he didn't like knowing that he was hurting Butter because...because hurting Butter was bad though he couldn't possibly fathom why it was bad at all. It just...it just was. Even though he'd never not wanted to hurt someone in all his life, he knew it was bad to want to hurt Butter, and he knew that actually hurting Butter was bad too, which was why he couldn't but he did because his hands were hot and Butter kept saying it was hurting and why did he have to keep saying that? Zanis knew, he knew it hurt and he didn't mean to but if he just got this done then Butter could go and Zanis wouldn't hurt him again and--
"But.. it's... different..."
...wait...
...different? How could there be different types of hurting? Sure, there were different ways off hurting --most of which Zanis knew in explicit detail and how to perform them too-- but an actual, honest-to-god difference in hurting? How was that possible? There was hurting, and there was agony, but that was just hurting amped on drugs. How could there be a different type of hurting, and how was his hurting be different than...than everyone else's? How could his hands be hurting morelessbetterworsedifferent than anyne else's? Because there was only one type of hurting. The kind that just...hurt.
The stitching, which had somehow paused without him even noticing it, resumed again, quietlysilently piercing the skin and trailing through the thread and slowlyslowly sewing the woundgapinghole shut, little by little. God, had any distanced observer looked at the two different sets of stitches, they would have thought it was done by two different people. The stomach stitches were all jagged and erratic and obviously nervous --give him a break, his hands had been shaking-- and the ones on the arm were even, neat, and tiny, tiny so he could do more and take more time so Butter wouldn't have to go immediately because he knew he wouldn't really let Butter stay so easily without an excuse, and stitching was an excuse so he had to stitch for as long as he could to keep the zombie here.
Even though he didn't know why he wanted to keep Butter here. Maybe because the idea of being alone --which never bothered him before-- suddenly terrified him.
Stupid Butter making stupid unusual feelings rise up.
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Posted: Tue Oct 31, 2006 3:11 am
This feeling was glowywarmtinglysafespecialprecious and he didn’t ever want it to stop, even if the rest of the world exploded into bite-size chunks, because it was just so--
“..strange.”
…Eh? Strange? What was strange? Strange didn’t necessarily mean good --in fact, Kiba had never encountered a case of strange being good-- and that meant that if something was strange then it wasn’t good. Different, different could be good, but not strange. Or odd or bizarre or weird because they were all bad words even though they kindofmaybe meant the same thing all at once but not really. So different was okay but strange wasn’t and what was strange? Because…because strange wasn’t goodokayfine like different was and he wantedneeded to know what was strange so he could fix it and everything would be all that much more better.
Kiba didn’t know when he closed his eyes. But he knew he had, he must have, because they snapped open in shocksurprise to stare in almost wonder as the other doctor maybenotreallykindof kissed him. Had Yamagawa kissed him before? He couldn’t remember. He remembered initializing most of their exchanges, but he could actually remember if Yamagawa had started any of them. Because if he had, this was no big deal, and it was just a shyer kiss than the other’s had been. But…if he hadn’t, then…then this meant something gigantuously big because Yamagawa was kissing him first.
Kiba actually kind of hoped it was the latter choice, because then it meant something, whereas the first one was just as is. And Kiba…Kiba wantedwantedneeded to mean something to Yamagawa. Even if it was a pointless something, something was better than nothing, was always better than being just a nothing. There wasn’t anything worse than being a nothing to someone he caredaboutloved, and he didn’t want to fade into obscurity in front of Yamagawa’s eyes so he was hoping that the light flickflutterpeckkiss was the second choice because then it meant something. And something was alwaysalwaysalways better than just being nothing…
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Posted: Tue Oct 31, 2006 9:10 am
The last of his words faded away into nothing and even the soft soft echo of it died sinking flatlyquietlydead back inside Butter, into that blankblackmurky depths and left him with nothingnoone being nothing all over again and.. and Butter had never ever minded being a nothing but.. but right now, right now Butter somehow.. he somehow didn't want to be a nothing and that was confusingnewinterestingdisconcerting and.. and why did it have to be right now why.. why did it have to be..
Why Zanis?
That thought came unbidden to his head, making the zombie start slightly, if not in body then in mind, because Zanis was stitching up his armgapingwoundhole thing much like he had sewed up that stabthing in his stomach and.. and why is Zanis sewing them back up because he had made the holes in the first place even though there wasn't any pain, just sort of woozyness that was still somehow shakingwobbling the roomtable they were in and.. and Butter didn't really mind at all and he wasn't trying to blame Zanis or anything, but.. but Zanis had made those holes and wasn't Zanis supposed to hurt people so why isn't he hurting Butter --even though it was a different kind-- and why was he sewing the holes upwhy?
B-but.. but maybe it was because it was a different sort of pain. Maybe Zanis didn't like Butter didn't want Butter to stay because he felt a different kind of pain that wasn't quite pain but it was, same blindingburninghothothotblistering pain yet.. yet somehow different, different in the way they tingledswelled afterwards, somehow.. somehow different. Was that why Zanis wanted him to go away? Because he was different? Because he was dead and.. and dead people were nothing so they never mattered so Zanis didn't care about Butter didn't give a damn and.. and Butter didn't feel anything else save heat --painpainpain!-- and.. so.. so Zanis didn't like Butter because he didn't like the way Butter was hurting...
The zombie's face had become calmcalmblank mask once more, the pale eyes wavering half-closed, a sort of odd emptiness thing --whyhow? He had always been empty, always nothing. Why why now?!-- spreading inside him and.. and that feelingemptiness feeling nothing thing too, was different. His fingers twitched a little inadvertently, as he looked down at his arm, almost almost fascinatedly watching the neat, tidy tiny stitches going getting in and out his deadpale skin and.. and it mustshould have been fun, it could be fun, threading the needle through skin. Could be..
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Posted: Tue Oct 31, 2006 9:35 am
He..
His free hand left the trailing path tracing of Kiba's face, instead alighting softly quietly on the other doctor's shoulder as Yamagawa leant in once more, pressing a slow shy sort of another half-kiss fluttery thing on the side of Kiba's lips. He.. Kiba wasn't saying anything, wasn't doing anything was just sitting there quiet quietly not moving just there.. and.. and Yamagawa was alright with that. As long as Kiba didn't move away, didn't do anything as long as he didn't go then.. then Yamagawa was fine. As long as Kiba didn't go..
"I.. don't know.." Another slowsoftweirdstrange kisspeckhoveringthing on the side of Kiba's face, because Yamagawa liked that softcurving line of Kiba's jaw and.. and it was just it just felt right, to.. to kisspeckthingwhatever it because he liked it. Locks of red hair stray bangs fell into his eyes lidded slits silentlywonderingly watching the pale skin Kiba's face watching Kiba so.. so that Yamagawa could he had to stop Kiba if he.. if he tried to leave because Yamagawa couldn't let him leave couldn't let Kiba leave himthem all alone all over again because that hurt and it was coldcoldsadneedingwantingcan't and..
And he needed Kiba here because.. because as much as the idea was foreignscaryfrightening sosososovery horribly because that was another wall crumbling another.. another weakness another.. another vulnerability, Yamagawa loved Kiba he loved Kiba loved Kiba and Yamagawa was so sososovery scared of Kiba hurting him again leaving him again but.. but it was Kiba and.. and Yamagawa wanted to needed to believe that.. that Kiba wouldn’t hurt him, because.. because he loved Kiba..
"..this.." Slight hesitation pauseflinch at the darkdarkbruises, a hotwarmghost of a breath over them and a softlight kiss pressed to the other side of the green haired male's neck because.. because those hurt and he didn't want to hurt Kiba. "..this..feeling.." Fingers paleshakingnervous brushing away the green locks of hair away from the other's face, eyesneedingwantingscaredhe had to knowhe.. he had to let Kiba know..!
"I...!"
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Posted: Tue Oct 31, 2006 7:11 pm
Yamagawa was...so trying to say something. Something vitally uberly majorly important, Kiba could tell, because Yamagawa was getting all hesitant and almost nervous which meant it was important, probably life-altering important and Kiba didn'twanttohearitnoyesmaybe because what if it was good? What if Yamagawa said something like...like he liked Kiba --love was too much to hope for-- but what if Yamagawa said like? Then it would be okay and everything would be fine but what if he didn't? What if he said he didn't like Kiba and left Kiba all alone --he couldn't take that-- whatifwhatifwhatif?
Wasn't not knowing better than knowing if knowing only meant it was bad? Kiba didn't want to know didn'twanttoknow but he didyesnomaybeyesyesnonono because he didn't want to have Yamagawa leave him all alone but what if whatif it was something good? What if Yamagawa didn't leave and said he liked Kiba too and stayed? Would it be okay then? Because Kiba wantedwantedwanted to love Yamagawa and have Yamagawa likemaybelove him back but he didn't want to know if Yamagawa said something bad and left because then Kiba would breakshatterfallapart because what was he if he didn't have Yamagawa? Just...just a thing and all he would have left was Zanis and he didn't want to be Zanis' anymore, he wanted to be Yamagawa's but...but he didn'tdidyesnomaybe wanted to know...
Almost without realizing he was doing it, he dislodged his hand from Yamagawa's hair, trailing it lightlyshakilygently down the side of the other's facejawbonecheekbone tracing the edge of the redhead's lip with the veryveryvery tip of his finger. He didn't know why but if he touched Yamagawa it would be okay, and maybe if he was like this he could somehow stop the bad words before they reached his ears and broke his heart because maybe he could catch them if he was touching Yamagawa's lips because Kiba didn't want to wouldn'tcouldn't take hisYamagawa's voice away even if it would mean he'd never say any bad words he couldn't just take it out make him stop talking never say anything wrong no. Nonononono! Because he liked Yamagawa's voice and it was pretty and it was...it was good and he liked it and he couldn't take it away no matter what the shadows said because the shadows were baaad...
His finger paused at the corner of Yamagawa's mouth, trembling almost inperceptably, because he diddidn'thadtonodon'tyesnomaybedon'tsaytell Yamagawa's words had to come out even if it meant they were bad and Kiba was left all alone because he knew they did knew they had to come out no matter what because prolonging this would only burn his insides with worryguiltdoubtfear takeitawaytakehisvoicenono and he had to know no matter how much he diddidn't want to...
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Posted: Tue Oct 31, 2006 7:37 pm
"I.."
He what? It was.. It was like everythinganything all of Yamagawa was poised hanging precariously balanced on those words, the syllables the whispered words the.. the lightheavywarmgoodworriedscared words hovering just behind his lips, caught in a small, slow breath he took and he had to let Kiba know even.. even though he was sososovery scared of what.. of what Kiba would say, what he'll do what is he going to do whatwhatwhat? Because.. Because Yamagawa knew he had to tell Kiba. That much was clear, because.. because Kiba had said he wanted all of Yamagawa and.. and wanting all of Yamagawa meant that he couldn’t hide anything from Kiba none at all and.. and this was really veryvery important life-changing sort of thing, so.. so it was doubly important that.. that he should tell Kiba, right?
The green eyes stared rather incomprehendingconfusedscared at Kiba's goldenyellowwarm ones, more than slightly startled by the lightlightgentlefeathery touch on his face down his face and.. and he could feel the fingertips shaking slightly Kiba shaking slightly and was that because.. was it because Kiba wanted to hear what Yamagawa was going to say or he didn't want to hear and.. and if he did then why.. why was he touching his lips --even though that felt really shakilyawesomelygently goodnice spreading warm feeling in.. in a really scared sort of way-- and why was Yamagawa just staring blanklyblindly at Kiba because he had to say it..!
"I.." He knew his hands were shaking softly, he could feel the tremor traveling through up his arms up his shoulders down his spine and this was one of those not quite right shivers, the kind you felt when.. when you were so nervous and scared and.. and just so fricking nervous because Yamagawa didn't want Kiba to leave but.. but he was and would if Yamagawa told him and.. and not telling somehow would be just as bad as telling because Kiba wanted all of him and.. and if he didn't tell Kiba then.. then it wasn't having all of himself because he wanted Kiba to have all of himself all of Yamagawa his everything and anything..
The redhead leant towards the hoveringwarmshakygentlelight touch, eyes slipping shut because he was scared and.. and even though he wanted to see Kiba's face see Kiba's reactionthoughtexpression on the palepretty face but.. but he was so scared and.. and it was really really mixed and confusing and it was goodbad so scary it hurt..! "I love you.."
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Posted: Tue Oct 31, 2006 8:10 pm
"I love you."
It was...it was exactly what Kiba had wanted to hear. But...but why wasn't there some sense of relief now that the words had been spoken? No, there was just this...this overwhelming sense of...of guilt, because he loved Yamagawa and now Yamagawa said he loved him --why?-- and Kiba knew he had neverevernever seen Yamagawa lie not ever so it couldn't be a lie because it was such a heavy saying and Yamagawa wouldn't take something like that so lightly. But...but now there was this mutual lovefeelingthing between them only Kiba couldn't give all of himself to Yamagawa because he just couldn't and he'd read somewhere that without a good physical relationship an emotionalandormental relationship would just fall to piueces and if Kiba couldn'twouldn'tcouldn't do the physical bit what did that mean for them?
He could still feel himself shaking, could feel the tremors running down his spine, and he didn't know why that was still happening either because before he had been worriedscared but now that he knew how Yamagawa felt didn't that mean that he shouldn't be worriedshakingtrembling anymore? Because if he knew how the other felt, then there shouldn't be any worries because there wasn't any more uncertainty anymore and there wasn't and doubt because Yamagawa said and Yamagawa couldn'tdidn't lie so it mustp be the truth only somehow Kiba couldn't stop shaking even though he didn't know why.
And...and there were suddenly tears falling from his eyes because he was so realievedhappywarm because Yamagawa loved him but there was still that added tinge of worryfeardoubt whatifitgoeswrongwhatifitdoesn't? and so they were happy tears but they weren't at the same time because he was scaredhappyworriednervousrelievedwarmglowyterrified whatifitgoeswrong?
He didn't...he didn't want to lose Yamagawa...
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Posted: Wed Nov 01, 2006 10:21 am
He said it.
The redhead almost almost sobbed, but instead sucking in a silent, soft breath of air --his lungs felt tight; crampedcan'tbreathe-- dropping his head to rest his forehead against the other doctor's shoulder. He actually.. Yamagawa had actually said those words. Even though now he was shaking so much that his teeth almost chatteredclicked together because it was so cold all of a sudden, sososososo cold and scared and.. and soso so much so much more vulnerable can't stop couldn’t stop the hurting if.. if what if Kiba goes away? What if.. What if?
He could still hear the soft echo that those three words had made, could still feel it taste it on his tongue the burningfiery trail that it somehow made as it passed by through his lips and.. and it was both exhilarating and scary all at once --mostly scary-- because now Kiba knew but.. but then Kiba knew so.. so it would be much much somuch worse when he finally left because then Yamagawa would know that.. that Kiba just wanted him --even though he said he wanted all of Yamagawa and he.. he was willing to give, just all of himself, everythinganything-- and.. and Kiba didn't love him.
That thought sent a jarring cracking cracking sort of.. of pain through his chest, leaving the redhead with a tight tight sopainful feeling in his lungschestinside the not-knowing-place and gasping slightly for breath.
Kiba didn't love him.
So it didn't matter, nothing mattered Kiba didn't care if Yamagawa loved Kiba because Kiba didn't love Yamagawa and now all his wallsveilsfencebarrier fell away, disintegrated and burned up to nothing in the warmwarmgentle touches of Kiba and Yamagawa hadn't minded, even though he was sososososcared he hadn't minded at all because it was Kiba and.. and Yamagawa loved Kiba so it didn't really matter because it was Kiba.
And.. and now everything was wrong and Yamagawa somehow upset the precarious delicate balance that they had until just now because of those stupidstupid words and he.. he didn't want to see Kiba cry..!
"I'm sorry." Yamagawa whimpered, daring to not even look up at the other male but handsarms tightening around the other nonetheless. He.. he didn't want to see Kiba cry and.. and Kiba was crying because Yamagawa had said he loved him and Yamagawa was bad it was all his fault so.. so he should just.. "I'm sorry.." I'm sorry for making you sadcryhurtcrackedhurtingfor saying that I love youI'msorry..
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Posted: Wed Nov 01, 2006 6:48 pm
Kiba choked back a hysterical chuckle, hands tightening around the shaking form of the other doctor. There wasn’t anything remotely funny about the current situation, but it was either laugh or cry, and Kiba wanted to stop crying because the tears were kind of burning as they forced their way past his eyes so he just wanted it to stop stopcryingstoptearsstopfeelingsobad because Yamagawa loved him Yamagawa loved him so why was he crying whyfeelsoguilty? It was a good thing to be loved back by the guy he loved, good, why did he feel so bad about it? He didn’t want to feel bad but he did, maybe because…because he wanted all of Yamagawa said he had wanted all of Yamagawa inside and outside but he couldn’t give all of himself back and maybe that was why and maybe it wasn’t but he did, he felt badreallybad and he didn’t want to because feeling bad when he’d just been told he was loved wasn’t right somehow, it was wrong.
He took a short, chokygaspy sort of attempt at a calming breath, failed miserably, and just gave up on calming himself down. It wasn't working. He needed to...to...there was something he had to do, something importantveryveryimportant and it had to greatly do with what Yamagawa had just said only he couldn't quite recall what he should be doing and there was this strange sense that stars were bursting behind his eyelids which was strange, wasn't it? One would think that all these tears would have made seeing impossible but he was so clearly seeing a smattering of exploding stars and it was funny, not in a funnyhaha sort of way but a funnyweird sort of way but at least the stars were taking most of his mind off the fact that crying was wrong and he was doing wrong by crying. Kiba seemed to always be doing something wrong, so the supernova show behind his eyes was an almost nice distraction from the idea that he was a screwup at life and love and everything else.
And...and Yamagawa was going away again, Kiba had made him go away again. He was saying sorry over and over again even though he had done nothing to be sorry for and it was all Kiba's fault because he had started crying and that made Yamagawa think something wrong and now he was saying sorry and leaving even though he said he wouldn't and it was Kiba's fault all Kiba's fault alwaysalwaysalways and it was just wrong. Yamagawa had just confessed his love and Kiba wanted to do the same --that was important, he had to do that-- only he had started crying and now there was this happyguiltyterriblewonderful weightlump in his chestthroat and he couldn't speak anymore because it was just there and--
"Don't."
It took a moment for him to realize that raspy wordcommand had actually come from him, but it had, and now he had to follow up, he realized, because just saying 'don't' without any backing behind it was just...just stupid so he had to sort of finish off the though or Yamagawa would think the wrong thing again and he couldn't have that because if Yamagawa thought the wrong thing again he'd go even further away and leave Kiba all the more alone...
"Don't say that," he added, voice almost pleadingbutnotreally because he didn't want Yamagawa to apologize, didn't want Yamagawa to draw back awayfromhim any further than he already was. "Or I'll...I'll bite you."
This, apparently, was just the thing he needed to thinksaydo to make that hystericaldesperate laughter break forth. The snake let his head fall back eversoslightly, shaking with the sort of silent laughter insane people exhibited because this was just too much and Yamagawa was leaving him again and it was his fault and he simply couldn't take it anymore. And Yamagawa loved him so he didn't want to just swallow a bunch of potentially toxic potions and/or poisons because that would just make Yamagawa sad and Kiba didn't want to hurt Yamagawa if he could help it. And if Yamagawa was just going to leave anyway then going a little nuts was a much better alternative than watching him walk away and feeling every step break his heart just a little more.
Besides, laughing...it was a little better than crying, however marginally.
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Posted: Wed Nov 01, 2006 7:38 pm
Yamagawa didn't want to go.
He didn't want to go anywhere and he most certainly didn't want Kiba to go anywhere yet.. yet he was Kiba was going away he was going away with each and every passing moment breathsyllablesI'msorry passing falling from his lips. And.. and even though he didn't want to go away ever, he couldn't stop shaking he couldn’t stop the hopelessnotwantingwanting scrabble for hold on some kind of support, any kind of support, because Yamagawa didn't want to go anywhere, he just wanted to stay here, here or wherever Kiba was because.. because it was Kiba and he alone made Yamagawa warm, he made him burnglowwarm in a tinglysoftgentle way that nobody else ever had and.. and that was something special and so Kiba was something special to Yamagawa something sososososomuch special something precious.
And.. and Kiba had been crying he was crying and.. and and something had made Kiba cry like that Yamagawa had made Kiba cry and.. and crying was bad, because you cried when you were hurt or.. or something was hurting inside you --like it was doing right now with him but he couldn't cry he wanted to but couldn't because.. because..!-- and.. and hurting was bad and crying was bad and Kiba crying was just.. just more bad. And Kiba was crying.
That was the worst thing he could ever see, Kiba crying, because.. because obviously heYamagawa had done something wrong said something wrong shouldn't have said that shouldn't have.. shouldn't have told Kiba that he loved Kiba at all even though there was that voicenagging telling him to say it and.. and it had seemed a good idea because.. because even though it was scary it was good at the same time and.. and because he had wanted to let Kiba know and he wanted him to have all of Yamagawa..
The redhead's fingers curled softlyhesitantly on the fabric of the other doctor's gown, wanting to go away push Kiba away before before he could hurt him --that was a stupid thought; Kiba could never ever hurt him because it was Kiba and.. and nothing that Kiba did could be wrong or bad nononono!-- before Yamagawa could get sososovery scared, before Kiba saw how brokendirtyshattered he was before Kiba could see...!! He flinched slightly at the words --he couldn’t speak couldn’t breathe can'tbreathe-- and at the slightly hysterical sort of laughter, shoulders cringing drawing in a little sososovery little slightly more into himself, wanting to be closer to Kiba not let him go because that laughterlaughingthing was sososovery strangeweirdthing and.. and maybe Yamagawa was worried maybescared maybe.. maybe so very scared and.. and he wanted Kiba to stop laughing and stop crying and.. and he didn't know what he wanted from Kiba..!
"..Okay." Yamagawa breathed, trying so hard to force the air into and out of his lungs and speak at the same time --funny how simple things seem so sososo hard when you actually think about it-- and not letting Kiba go and letting Kiba go and.. and he wanted to run away and never go away at the same time and it was all so confusing and.. and it was so strange…! Breathpuff of air, almost painful swallowing needles stinging.
"You.." His chestlungsheadeyes hurthurthurthurt..!! Yamagawa clenched his eyes shut tightly, trying so desperately to hide the tremorshaking embarrassing exposing all of himself all everything every stain every darkness every dirtdirtyness that.. that he couldn’t show to Kiba because he was wrong and.. and Kiba shouldn't ever see the wrongness the darkness..!
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Posted: Wed Nov 01, 2006 8:24 pm
Kiba loved Yamagawa. Loved him so much, lovedlovedloved him like in those storyfairytalebooks where it was such a deep love that everything seemed brighter and better or it would if Yamagawa stayed like he was supposed to and there was a happy ending but there wouldn't be because Yamagawa was going to leave simply because Kiba couldn't stop doingsayingthinkingbeing all the wrong things which meant that all his love was twisting into painful knots. And he knew he should say it, should confess because maybe then Yamagawa might decide to stay even a little longer only he didn't want to because if he stopped laughing he would cry again but wasn't he crying already...?
So confusing.
Still making that strangegaspylaughingsilentwhisperbreathnoise, he dropped his forehead against the redhead's shoulder, trying and failing to calm himself. If he stopped laughing right now, he'd just cry more and more and he didn't want to cry, nonono, not with the water feeling like it was burning away his eyes when he did. Even though...even though a part of him was saying that maybe that would be preferable, maybe he wouldn't want to see anymore if seeing only meant he'd have to watch Yamagawa walk away from him and wouldn't being sightless be better than watching that particular scenario? Wouldn't anything be better than that?
It was happening again. The realization only made another strain of the desperateterrifiedhysterical silent laughter stream forth, his whole body shakingtrembling with it. It was happened again. He'd chosen someone as his 'something else' and he was losing them because he couldn't do something wasn't something did something bad and so he supposed it was only fitting to be punished for whatever he'd donebeensaidthought wrong only it hurt so much more than last time because Zanis had simple been a 'something else' and Yamagawa was so much more than that so it hurt all that much more, but it was still happening again.
And he should say it. Kiba knew that. Knew he should say it. But he couldn't, he couldn't tell Yamagawa because his voice was blocked by that stupid lump and it seemed like only the soundless laughter could fit around the lump and god, was he still crying? Why culdn't the tears just stop, why couldn't everything just stop time should stop because then he wouldn't have to watchseefeel Yamagawa leavingvanishing before his eyes and it hurt...!
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Posted: Thu Nov 02, 2006 6:08 am
Butter was perfect.
The thought inadvertently crossed his mind, but the moment it did, Zanis realized it was true. He’d looked and looked and tried to make it himself, but he’d never quite made anyone that absolute emotionless type but Butter was, Butter was emotionless Butter didn’t feel a thing --heat didn’t count, Zanis didn’t really believe in heat-- and that was perfectbeautifullovelywonderfulexciting. Zanis didn’t know how it was perfect how Butter was perfect, just that ithe was, because emotionless was perfection, emotionless was beautiful and his eyes darted up only to see Butter's eyesface flicker back to that empty emotionless face and it was beautiful.
His hands paused marginally, hovering over the last few stitches he had to do --he was almost done, no, then Butter would leave-- and almost without conscious thought, he brought his head up, staring at Butter with a mix of curiostyfascinationwondersomethingelse, something differentsamenotthesame. Butter was, he was emotionless and perfect and it was wonderfulbeautiful and he had only always done one thing with anyone when they were perfectbeautiful like this --even a fauz perfect-- so he had to do it now because it was tradition, you can’t just break tradition and--
The kiss was gentlelightsoft, almost nothing, but it was there, definitely there, he knew, because when he pulled back, there was a streak of color setting in against Butter’s lips where his own had touched. For a long moment, he watched the bright shade, vibrant against the pale skin, almost violent against the palewhitedead flesh --except for Butter’s cheek, which was still bright redpinkangrycolor, but that too was an exception-- and it was perfect the color was perfect too everything was perfect Butter was perfect. He was so much more dollike than anythinganyone he’d ever brokencreatedmadewarped and it was perfect so perfect Butter was emotionlesspalenotlivingdollikeperfect so really, it only made sense why he kissed Butter.
Because Zanis loved perfect things, and things that were perfect had to be claimed before someone else could snatch them up.
Without another soundwordthoughtdeed, he bent back down over the stitching, finishing it off with a few quick flourishes that could probably pass as an elegant sort of knot. Mostly because he was trying to make the most complicated knot he knew so that it would take just a few seconds longer so Butter --perfectbeautifulwonderful-- wouldn’t just go like he was eventually going to do.
But eventually the knot had to be finished tying, and all that was left was breaking the string off and wrapping the remaining thread around the needle and shoving the needle back in the spool. Butter would go now, he supposed, everyone always left that was just the way it was. Face carefully set into a calm indifference --not necessarily what he was feeling inside, but who was to know?-- he stood, turning back away from the table and going back to the cabinets. He wasn’t going to stop Butter when Butter left, he decided. He didn’t think he could have if he wanted to.
Because Butter was perfect.
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Posted: Thu Nov 02, 2006 10:09 am
There.
There it was again, the brighthurtingdifferent sort of pain again, sparking along and shooting down his spineheadmind and Butter just supposed that was because he was already kind of not well --that much he knew; this kind of strange wobbly wonky sort of feeling wasn't quite right-- and.. and the kissnotkiss thing --what should he call it howwhy-- came almost as a sort of whiplash or a burningfierybrighthot brand on his lips and.. and that was it, right? He was feeling strangeweirdwobblysparkles because his mind couldn’t take seeing so much blood his blood and now.. now this.
And.. and there had been somethingnothing in the way Zanis had looked at him, something different something.. something that wasn't quite the same something different about his staregazelook. It wasn't like how other people stared at him, like a tool like an abominationmonster like.. like a nothing. But not Zanis', nonononono. The doctor was looking at him differently, like.. as if Butter was notnothing, not a monster, not.. Zanis' starelookthing made.. it made Butter feel strange, like what he felt when one of those half-notmemory fragments came, like what he felt when the kissbrandnotkissthing came. Different.
The zombie tentativelycautiouslywonderingly touched his lips, burningfiery raw burning sort of painnotpain stinging his lips and onto his fingers. He.. Why had Zanis kissednotkissed him? Butter had never been kissed, never could remember, never had wanted to because nobody had wanted to and it all somehow made sense because Butter was nothing and.. and people just didn't kiss nothings.
That was another differentinterestingcurious thing about Zanis. He.. stabbingButterburningButterstitchingButterkissingButter, he.. he made him feel notnothing. A something, but.. but just not a nothing. The whitepaledead eyes watched as the other finished off the stitching --so soon-- and the flow of his movement as the doctor turned back away, and.. and watching that, watching Zanis walk away was.. was somehow making Butter feel strange again, somethingnothingmaybe flickering inside him inside his eyes and he didn't want to go and he--
"Again." Butter's eyes left the gracefulslithering form of the other and ran over the carefulclosetinyneat stitches that Zanis had made, his touchesfingershands as bright as the still-remaining blood stains on his arm. The touches.. The touchingkissingthingnotkissing was.. theyithe still hurt, but it was different and.. and he didn't want to go because he just didn't and.. and this was sosososostrangeweirdcurious.. The emptyblankwhite eyes flicked up again, redburnedraw lips still stingingwarmhurting but differently hurting and that had been somehowmaybegoodnotgood but not bad.. "Do that again."
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Posted: Thu Nov 02, 2006 7:29 pm
Zanis wouldn’t let it bother him. Butter would leave just like everyone else because Butter hated him just like everyone else and it simply made sense that Butter would be like everyone else and leave because Butter hated him. Just like everyone else. And so what if he had claimedbrandedkissed Butter, because it didn’t matter, since Butter was just going to leave…
It didn’t cross his mind that Butter was terriblywonderfully different from everyone else.
At least…it didn’t occur to him until Butter said that, asked him to do it again. The hand holding the thread paused uncertainly before the cabinet, an invisible tremor shuddering down his spine because it…he had…it didn’t happen like this. Never ever never happened like this. No one asked for more, no one asked him to do it again. And he knew it had hurt, because he had seen the brightredangry marks against the prettypalewhite skin, so it had to have hurt because Zanis hurt, his very touch hurt and he didn’t want to hurt Butter. Only now Butter was asking him to do it again, to kiss him again even though it had hurt --it had to have-- and why was he asking for that? Why was he asking to be hurt again? It didn’t make sense. He didn’t want to do it only he did because he wanted to kiss Butter again only he didn’t because he didn’t want to hurt Butter except he did yesnodiddidn’t--
Quite without his consent, his body set the spool down on the cabinet shelf, turning and flowing back to the table with the easy defiant grace of a man who knew exactly what he was doing, even though the majority had no clue what he was doing. But he was trying to stop himself from doing whatever he was attempting --and failing miserably in the attempt-- because whatever he wanted to do was sure to involve touching Butter and Zanis didn’t want to hurt Butter and his very touch burned the zombie so he couldn’t, he couldn’t do it why wasn’t he stopping--
From veryveryvery far away, he watched himself lean down and press another kiss against Butter’s lips, a harder kiss but not a harsher one. Just less lightfluttery than the last one and a little harderdeeperstronger because Butter had asked for it.
And suddenly he was back to himself, and he realized that he didn’t exactly hate kissing Butter, and might even like kissing Butter maybe, which was definitely very strange in its own right. It wasn’t like Zanis hadn’t kissed other people before. It was only that he usually kissed other people because they were either blankemptydead or because kissing would just make them blankemptydead and would only hurt them more. Before, it was all about hurting the other when he kissed them.
Only…only with Butter it was…it was different, because he didn’t want to hurt Butter and there was the strange idea that he was kissing Butter and enjoying it simply because he was kissing Butter.
Which was so very strange to a man who’d always flourished and thrived on other people’s pain.
After a long moment, he pulled back, watching in fascinationhappinessguiltawe the bright red color of the other’s lips. Such a strange pretty color even though it had hurt, he knew it must have hurt because Zanis hurt, but even knowing this didn’t stop the slightlymaybehappy fluttering somewhere inside himself so maybe he didn’t mind quite so much that it had hurt Butter…
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