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 Posted: Sat Oct 28, 2006 8:43 pm
It...it didn't make sense. Why? Why wasn't Butter leaving? People didn't care and they always left so why was Butter still here? Why wouldn't he just go? Zanis didn't want to hurtburntouch Butter so Butter had to go why wasn't he why whywhywhywashedoingthat? Why the licking, whystopitmakeitstopdon'tdothat!
Slightlymorethan fascinated, the goldengaze flickered over the the other's hand, watching in curiousityamazingawefascination as Butter lapped at his own blood. Why? Why do that? What in the world could that accomplish? It...it was...was notgooddifferentpretty. He'd maybesometimesnotreallynever thought anyone was pretty before, but...but it was, Butter licking the blood was pretty and Zanis didn't like that because it was bad to think that it was foreign foreignwasbad he needed to stop thinking like that makeitstop Butter needed to stop stoplickingstopbeingherejustgogofaraway and everything would be normalnotforeign and it would be...not okay but normal and...and...
With a surprising amount of effort, Zanis pulled his gaze away from Butter prettyenticingwow fingersbloodtongue, dropping hiseyes downward to the knife he probably shouldn't be holding right now because even he knew that he wasn't exactly...stable right now because Butter wasn't leaving and he was feeling badwrongnusual things and his hands were still shaking and he was losing control and that wasn't in any way stable because stable was the same as control and Zanis was losing it losing his control wantitback.
Just as fascinated as he had been watching Butter's blood, he tilted the blade, watching the light shimmer on the metal and warp around the darkdarkcrimsonreddifferen't Butter's blood still on the blade. He had to...to stop the shaking in his hands to gain a littletinymaybe bit of control and make Butter leave and then he could get back all of his control because if Butter wasn't there there would be nothing to make Zanis feel unpleasantforeignbadunusual feelings because there wouldn't be Butter so he had to go. And to get there Zanis had to stop his shaking...
And Butter was all the way over there...
Before he could stop himself --why would he? He didn't know, but Butter made him thinkfeeldo weird things-- he flipped the blade up, running his palm over edge with little more than a slight hiss. It was more tearing than cutting --his hand was still shaking-- and it wasn't much but...but it was maybe enugh because he could feel a slightmaybe shimmercalm slide over him maybepossibly but it was good because calm was maybealmostpretend like emotionless and emotionless was...was perfect...
And if he was emotionless he wouldn't feel anything because of Butter and Butter would be able to do anything to him anymore --because Butter was doing something, only Zanis didn't know what-- so he needed to get as close to emotionless as he possibly humanly could and calm was prettydamnclose. Pulling his eyes from the blood welling up on his hand, he glanced up at Butter, and the unsualbadnotgood feelings rose up again but not as much so it was good and maybe if he did it again then he would feel even less when he looked at Butter? And that would be...
...would be good.
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Posted: Sun Oct 29, 2006 1:51 am
It was..
It was weirdstrangemaybebaddon'tknowoddnotquitesure sort of taste, sort of bitter, sort of strangeweird, sort of.. sort of good sort of bad maybe noyes in his mouth, the coldslowslimy slickness of the blood pooling on his tonguemouth sliding awkwardly along down his throat and coilinggathering warmmauseatinglystrange inside the pit of his stomach and.. and the sensation eatingthing was.. was really strange the notionideathought that he was actually eating made Butter gag slightly, but not enough to be visible; just a slight flexclench in his stomach --yet another new thing.
Butter had never ever eaten something, after all. From what he could remember, anyway. It was all fluid drips and clear colourless odourless nothingnothing liquid like water but not sliding inside him mingling with the deaddeadblood through needles punctured through palecold skin inside and.. and just that. Never mouth, never tongue never.. never eating.
Even though this constituted more as drinking, per se. But.. but it was blood and.. and his blood and even though it tasted funnybitterstrangeweirddead it was something, something new and even though Butter didn't really like the idea of something ever ever being new --just like when he thought Zanis' eyesfingersZanis was pretty or.. or that strangeweird memoryfragmentthoughtthing, and.. and just..-- Butter somehow didn't mind this didn't mind this strange-ish new-ish tastefeelthoughtthing and.. and
The zombie paused a little, half-closed palewhitedeadblank irises glancing down at the brightredslickness the contrastingclashingbeautiful --this was definitely veering towards the strange side; why was he thinking that his own blood was beautiful? But it just was-- shade redblooming against the blueish colddead skin, and.. and he almost almost felt.. felt something, something different something veryveryvery strange that he didn't know wasn't quite sure at all on what to do because.. because it seemed so wrong yet so right and he just didn't know..!!
Those dead eyes flickered upwards, just in time to see the othersnakedoctorpersonZanis slidecutswipe the bladeedge of the knife against his own palm, the flesh tearing open against the sharp edge and there was that prettyprettyness the pretty handfingers made all so much more more pretty by the slickredness just like his own deaddeadcoldnothingskin..! His fingers --whywhywhywhywhy?-- inadvertently twitchingshakingwhy slightly at the sight of it, the zombie hesitated, bloodstained lips opening silently the eyes flickering between the redredhurtingpainprettiness and the goldenyellow orbs of the doctor's eyes.
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Posted: Sun Oct 29, 2006 8:46 am
Yamagawa was…was what? There was something…something about the redhead, only Kiba couldn’t tell what it was. Yamagawa was…Kiba wasn’t too sure, but it felt maybealittle like he was trying to puzzle out some…some chart, or something, like the answer was just beyond his reach and he was trying to get it. He didn’t know why he thought that, but…but he did, only he had no basis for that theory and it was a little unnerving because maybe he was wrong and Yamagawa wasn’t thinking anything like that? Because Kiba just couldn’t tell. There were always times when it was sososo hard to tell what Yamagawa was thinking, and now was one of those times.
Sighing softly –nothing more than an exhalation of air—he leaned into the touch, eyes lidding partway. Yamagawa…Kiba liked Yamagawa’s hands. They were bloody, yes, but that pretty much described their whole state of affairs. It was something else, something like…like maybe Yamagawa’s hand could touch and possiblymaybeyesno purge the darkevildirtyownedness away from him. And…and if Yamagawa could do that, if Yamagawa could banish Zanis’s claim from Kiba, then…then Kiba would have no reason not to give everything to Yamagawa like he wanted to. Because it really was only Zanis’s holdclaimbrandtouchpresence that kept him from offering everything to Yamagawa.
“…I…” He wanted to tell, wanted so very much to say those three words, tell Yamagawa exactly howwhat he felt, even though he knew deepdeepdeepdeepwayfar down that Yamagawa didn’t feel the same, that Yamagawa didn’t love him because why would he? But…but if Kiba got it out, let the words linger in the air, at least they wouldn’t be settling so heavily on his chest, right? If he told…if he told maybe Yamagawa would at least tell him how Yamagawa felt about Kiba, because then Kiba wouldn’t maybe have so much uncertainty lingering in his stomach and he would know what Yamagawa wanted from him, because if he knew that then Kiba could tell whether he could give it to Yamagawa or not and whether he could guess if Yamagawa would leave him…or not.
“…I…” But the words wouldn’t come. It was simple, really, just three short little syllables, I love you, and then it would be fine everything would be fine because at least he would know what next to expect. Only the words wouldn’t come because there was this sudden lump of fear in his throat blocking the words, fear because what if he said it and found out Yamagawa didn’t feel the same—he knew that, why worry about it?—and Yamagawa left because Kiba loving was too much of a burden—dirtynastyuselessownedthing—then he was left all alone and he fell apart again because his darkness would try to eat him again? And if Yamagawa wasn’t there there’d be nothing to stop the darkness from succeeding, nothing to keep it from eating him whole. Why was he trying to risk that by saying some foolish little thing that Yamagawa didn’t return?
“Nevermind,” he whispered, shaking his head slightly against Yamagawa’s palm. It didn’t matter. He wasn’t going to say it and risk the warmglowyemberwarmth they had right now. He wasn’t that stupid.
Besides, he wasn’t willing to say stupiduselessburdensome words and have Yamagawa leave because then he would lose whatever warmglowyembergoodsafewarmth they had, and that would be baaad, because whatever was motivating Yamagawa would stop if Kiba saiddid something stupid and saying those words was stupid so he had to just…just not say them so Yamagawa wouldn’t go.
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Posted: Sun Oct 29, 2006 10:00 am
"..." The redhead tilted his head slightly, nearly jumping a little --but not enoughnotmuchneedtoknow--when Kiba leant into the touch, the tentative notknowing notwanting wanting needing needingtoknow unsure touch that was.. that was what? Why was Yamagawa even doing this? Why was he touching Kiba, why was his heartbeat so loud, getting louder, when he saw Kiba's face? --soclosesoclosecloseclosecloser-- Why.. Why was he feeling like thiswhy?!
Hooded half-closed green eyes watched Kiba silently, somethingsomethingnothingmaybesomething flickering uncertainly inside as the redhead traced the contours of the green haired doctor's face with his eyes, following the curve of his cheek, the line of his nose, the smooth curling lipseyesbeautiful everything was so.. so beautiful. Kiba was beautiful. Yamagawa had never ever thought of it like that before, and the change was.. the change in opinion was somehow rather exciting and disconcerting and good and bad all at once so.. so he wasn't quite sure which way which side of emotionthingfeeling he should fall --pleasepleaseplease-- but.. but that was why he had to know..!
Slowly, softly, he raised his other hand --somehow he didn't want to let go of.. of that softwarmfeeling that he got when Kiba leant into his touch; and he had to know that feeling!-- and brushed the thumb against across the other's cheekbone, feeling the softsmooth skin under his fingers and it would be so easy so beautiful more beautiful to tearawayNO. Something dark flickered in his eyes and Yamagawa took a silent, slow breath in, breathing in that strangegoodcitrusynice smell of Kiba, breathing in Kiba so.. so that it would be kinda like having a part of Kiba inside him, and.. and that would be goooood, because.. because Yamagawa still wasn't sure what this feeling was, this.. this love not-love feeling, and.. and either way, he was sosososovery scared that Kiba would leave either way, and that would be bad sobadno so.. so Yamagawa had to keep a part of Kiba inside himself as long as he could, just... just even for a short while.
The green eyes were only mere slits now, watching Kiba's face --palepalebeautifulprettysmoothness-- silently, wonderingcurious fingers brushingtrailing over the cheekbone again, following the shape of the eyebrow, the delicate bone under the skin, the side of Kiba's prettysowarm goldenyellow eyes that were like the sunglowwarmheatniceness. He.. Because Yamagawa had to know. He had to.. he had to find out what this feeling was, and even though there was a part of him that paused, hesitated sosososovery slightly fearfully at the sighwhisperNevermind, Yamagawa.. he just had to know. Because.. because one not knowing feelingthing --why was his chest hurting why? Whywherewhywhatforwhy-- was... okay, but two not knowing? Two was just a bit too much. Two was.. two was bad. One was bad enough.
And.. and Yamagawa didn't like not knowing because it made him unsure about anythingeverything else because there was something that he didn't know. And.. and he wasn't sure what this was, whether it was love or.. or not, even though how much the idea sent a stabbingpain through his insidechestsomewhere, so.. so he needed to know this. Because.. because once as soon as he figured this out, then.. then he might find out where it hurt and.. and why?
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Posted: Sun Oct 29, 2006 5:45 pm
Funny, Zanis had never hurt himself before. Always other people, always other thingsanimalsbodies, never himself. Curiously, he flexed his hand, the cut opening just a little bit more, and there was the idea that there was a faintslightmaybeprobablynot tearing sound as the skin split. And…and the blood…other peoplethinganimal blood lookedtastedsmelled pretty --like Butter’s weirdnotquitenormaldifferent blood-- and his own…well, he’d never actually seen his own. In all his life, he couldn’t ever remember being hurt, bleeding, because he’d never let himself gethurtbleed. Always other people, never himself.
But…now…now he had, not only gottencutbleeding, he had done it himself. There was…was a strangedelicious sort of feeling rising up, almost overpowering the citrusblood taste in his mouth. It was control, complete and utter control, over everything he hadwasisculdeverbe. And it was weird, because it felt like something he’d never had, only that was wrong because he’d always had control over himself. Except for now with Butter doing bad things to him and his hands shaking when they shouldn’t have been but now they weren’t shaking quite so much so it was a good thing good because if his hands weren’t shaking it meant that he hadn’t lost control quite so much now and that was really good.
Pulling his eyes away from the almost mesmerizing sight of his blood, Zanis glanced at Butter, who was watching him. Why was he still here? Shouldn’t he have left by now? Surely Butter didn’t want to stay any more than anyone else, so shouldn’t he have gone now that he was free? He didn’t have one of those collar thingys some of the other experiments had to keep them from leaving –Zanis wasn’t quite sure how those worked. Something with electronics or something. They worked, that was all that mattered—and Butter had no other obligation here because Zanis wasn’t going to hurt him –why?whywhywhy?—so he should just go and make this easier for everyone.
Because if he left, then Butter would do…whatever he would do and Zanis would be able to experiment more with the idea that he could hurt too, and maybe figure out just how much he could take. It was an interesting theory, torturing himself to see how far he could go without breaking. So many other experiments had had the same thing done to them, but it would be fun to try it on himself, see what happened. Because maybe something new would happen and he could make note of that and it would be fun. And Zanis liked having fun, he really did, so long as it was his kind of fun. And hurting things –not Butter—was always fun.
“Seriously. You can go if you want.” Though he honestly didn’t know Butter wouldn’t want to go. It wasn’t like there was anything holding him back or anything. Almost boredly, he looked back down at his hand, clenching his hand into a fist and relishing in the stinging sort of stabby feeling that shot up his arm. It hurt, but it kind of felt…good, in a weird sort of way. Was pain supposed to feel good? Experiments usually reacted negatively to pain, and pleasure was not a negative reaction, he was pretty sure of that, so why…?
Eh, whatever. The point was, it didn’t really hurt all that much and it felt good and it was giving him control so why bother over analyzing things? That would just ruin the experience he was having right now.
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Posted: Sun Oct 29, 2006 7:29 pm
There was.. There was so much blood. Butter didn't couldn’t hadn't ever realized how much blood he had in his body only now that he did maybenotreallyquitenotquitejustmaybe. Because.. because he had always felt cold because heat was warm and warm meant hurting and hurting was baad and.. and his blood was cold even though it was the same kind of red, same kind of flowygurglewetness like Zanis' blood coating his handpalmfingers. Strange, that. The zombie almost mused out loud, pale eyes caught for a moment almost.. almost a something look in the blank depths --shimmeringflickeringdon'tknowwhy-- and.. and it was goodbadfascinating how it ran in redbrightness down his arm, slickslimy on his fingers.
And it didn't hurt. The knifestabbing didn't hurt --it probably pierced the artery or something on its way through; look at it bleed--and the bleeding didn't hurt and blood was supposed to be warm, isn't it? It's supposed to be warm, hot, even, but it was only for living peopleperson like Zanis and Butter wasn't most certainly not living and.. and so.. so it kind of made sense that his blood would be cold too because he was cold but.. but still..
"Seriously. You can go if you want."
The whitepale eyes flickered up, an almostsort of unwilling look on his face as Butter focused his gaze onto the doctorperson, still dark, still angryhissingsnakythingness but not quite, because the heat, the blindinghurtingburning heat angerheat thing wasn't.. it wasn't quite there anymore and.. and even though Butter should be glad that there wasn't any more heat any more hurting something was still wrongwrongwrongwrong! and.. and he just didn't know what was wrong too much complicatedness that he didn't like and the blood was so pretty and..
"..What if I don't want to?" A flick of tongue, eyes turning sortofmaybe at the blood-coated fingertips licking it off --eatingwarmbadbadeating--and the zombie shifted slightly, blank faceeyes showing slight apparent confusion. Why.. why had he said that? Why didn't he want to leave? Why didn't he want to get awayawayaway from the angryheathurting Zanispersondoctorthing? Why?
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Posted: Sun Oct 29, 2006 9:20 pm
Almost curiously, Zanis ran the knife edge across his palm again, hissing softly at the stabbybitingsparky pain shooting up his arm, but relishing in the feeling and the notquitepaingood feeling that shadowed the pain. He was getting calmer, which was good and closer to emotionless, and it showed in the way that the shimmerscales faded away and shifted back to whitewhitepale skin. And it wasn't really a bad feeling at all, because it felt good and thing that felt good couldn't be bad even if they were unusual, right? Because even though unusual was almostalways bad, if it was unusual and it felt good, then it just couldn't be bad, because it felt good.
"..What if I don't want to?"
"I can't imagine why you wouldn't," he responded flatly. Really, he couldn't. Why would anyone want to stay with him? He hurt people, had threatened to hurt Butter, had put holes in Butter --could zombies bleed to death?-- so why would Butter have a sudden desire to stay? He had seemed more than willing to just get it over with and go when he had been strapped down on the table. Attitudes didn't change that quickly, did they?
Of course, Zanis' own attitude had done a one-eighty, going from wanting to hurt Butter to unwilling to lay a hand on the other, because that hurt Butter too. So maybe it wasn't so strange that Butter might want to stay. But it was impractical. What was there to accomplish by Butter staying? It wasn't like Butter gained anything by staying, and Zanis just had to put off torturing himself if Butter was there.
Of course, he should probably stitch up the other wound in Butter's arm --he did it, why did that feel wrong?-- before he let Butter go. Even though Butter could go right now if he wanted to, but Butter wasn't going, for whatever reason that Zanis didn't know, so he'd just stitch the hole back up --if Butter would let him-- and...and he could probably physically move Butter out of the room if he had to. Because even though they were the same size --roughly-- Zanis was strong so it probably wouldn't be a problem.
Besides, Butter was dead. Which had some importance, if only he could figure out what.
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Posted: Sun Oct 29, 2006 10:17 pm
The zombie blinked softly, more than a little taken aback by the question and.. and feeling slightly disconcerted, disorientated, like.. like the ground he was standing on the table he was leaning slightly against weren’t quite not quite stable, and it was a sort of feeling more than quite disturbing and.. and just strange--but bad kind or good kind? Was there even a good kind of strange?
Zanis was right; why wasn't he going? Going now would be sosososomuch better so better than not going, just in case Zanisdoctorperson finally cracked --strange expression; people couldn't just break or crack like.. like cups-- and changed his mind and decided that he would hurt Butter after all and..and hurting was bad and Butter didn't like hurting so he should really logically rationally think about going...
Yet he wasn't.
Butter took a careful time studying the steady flowdrip of blood --the floor; it was getting dirty-- and the slight wetgurgle sound that it made every time he flexed his hand, watching the shift of muscles almost fascinatedly. It had never ceased to be a wonder to the zombie on how he moved. Not necessarily graceful, because Zanis was that --where had that thought come from?-- and.. and Butter knew he wasn't and he didn't care didn't mind because it didn't really matter whether or not he could move gracefully because he was dead so there was no point. The thought seemed to make little sense, but.. but somehow it did, and Butter always knew what he knew, so that was enough for him.
Except.. except that now he didn't know what he wanted, whether he wanted to leave or.. or just not leave. Which meant staying here colddankmurky room smelling of blood and.. and with Zanis.
"Because.." Palewhite eyes focused sharplyattentively on the sliding scales, drawing back awayaway --taking the angerheatness with them-- and revealing expanse of pale skin that Butter hadn't quite noticed before. It.. It had somehow suited Zanis, having snakydarksliding scales. Somehow. Butter didn't know why it did, because having the scales meant that --somehow, somehow-- Zanis was angryangrywarmhotheatingburninghurtinghurt and..and Butter didn't like thatthose scalessnakeanger because it was hothothot blisteringly hot and.. and blisters were baaaaaad because it hurt waywaywayway more than burns ever could, and.. and last time he had them it was bad and he didn't like it noneatall..!
"Because.." Slight shiftinggurgling of blood, fascinatingly redbeautiful. Butter.. He had never really been this fascinated by his own blood before. That thought too, sent a slight short wave of disconcerting wavy woozy feeling to the zombie, and he had to close his eyes a little. "Because you're different." Not good, but.. but different. And different was interesting, and.. and interesting was usually good except that.. this time Butter wasn't so sure but maybe..
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Posted: Mon Oct 30, 2006 5:11 am
Different. The zombie said he was different. That was funny. Had he been more...more normal right now, he would have laughed. Really, it was totally funny. He even managed a small, slightly hysterical giggle at the words. Honestly, the zombie --living dead-- was saying he was different? Yeah, that was good. Different how? Simply because he refused to touchhurt Butter if he didn't have to or what? Because that was no reasn to say he was different. He could change his mind. People did it all the time, why shouldn't he be allowed to.
Quickly, before he could get too caught up in this and bleed to death or something, he notched the hem of his shirt with the knife, tearing a strip of the black cloth off. It was longer than it needed to be, really, but half would work for him and half would work for Butter, probably. Without looking at the other --why would he look? he didn't want Butter here yesnomaybe-- he tied half around his bleeding palm, the bandages a little ungainly --hands were always hard to tie properly-- but at least it relatively stopped the bleeding a little.
His eyes slid upward from his disappointly banaged hand --he knew he had to close the wound, he just didn't really want to-- to the cabinets. All the way over there again? God, he should just get a bunch of bins or something and put them right by the table. Then there wouldn't be all this back and forth stuff. It wasn't like he couldn't take it, it was just that he didn't want to constantly walk back and forth between the table and the cabinets day in and day out.
Zanis didn't want a lot of things. He didn't want to hurt Butter and he didn't reallymaybeyesno want Butter still in here and he didn't want Butter's arm to bleed so much anymore because it was baaad --there was so much blood-- and what happened when Butter's body bled out? Did he just collapse, or was his system blood-independant and the stuff was just there for show? It was a curious question, one he wuld have been interested in fingind ut had he been himself.
But he wasn't because Butter was doing things to him that Zanis didn't like.
Scowling --more out of annoyance than anger-- he stalked back to the cabinets, slamming the door open again and grabbing the same needle and spool of thread. Really, this was just getting annoying, this backandforth thing. Maybe he'd just pull the cabinets from the wall and put them over by the table. That could work. Because it was very possible that the table was actually bolted down to the floor and he wouldn't be able to move it. Not that regular bolts were normally a block for him, but Zanis wasn't acting normal right now because Butter was doing weird things to him.
"Sit," he ordered, slamming the knifepint back in the table. Without waiting to see if he was obeyed, he focused his attentions on the thread, judging about how much he might need and snapping it off the spool, consequently threading it. He would get this new hole patched up, possibly stop the bleeding, and make Butter go.
And he still had to clean blood up off the floor, what he had been trying to avoid.
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Posted: Mon Oct 30, 2006 10:00 am
There was a small, confused sort of flickerthing in the blank eyes again at the small giggle--laughing? Zanis was laughingwhywhywhywhy? Butter only said he was different, and being different was not being funny, nothing to be funny about. Yes, it was interesting, yes, it made Butter feel somehow woozy because different was interesting and interesting was a feeling which he normally didn't think about didn't get didn't feel but now he was and it was Zanis so.. so maybe it was a good thing maybe bad.
His fingershand twitched again, a slight spasm muscle shaking thing going through shooting up his arm that made Butter blink again, looking quizzically down at the limp before turning his eyes back to the doctor, the droplets of blood on his cheek shining decidedly brightred sliding down the dead skin like tears, a splash of blinding colour on the otherwise monotoneboringdead figure.
Why had he said that Zanis was different? Butter knew he was different, that much was.. was sure, but the zombie couldn’t go couldn’t think any further than that because he didn't know why Zanis was different except that he was and.. and it was weird and strange and Butter had never ever felt strange strange, just.. just curiouspuzzlednotunderstanding but not strange. Strange and woozy and heady and.. and it was decidedly an annoying, helpless sort of sensation and maybemaybe it's got to do with all the blood on him because Butter had never ever seen so much of his blood ever..!
So.. so maybe that's why the zombie mechanically obeyed to the angryangryhissingshortclipped sort of command, an inadvertent spurt of blood --Butter should have remembered to not to lean on it not to put weight on it should have-- stickystickyredness trickling down his arm and soaking into the dark cloth of his pants making the zombie frown, a somethingnothing of a frown, for a split second. Great. Now he was dead and bloody. People was going to avoid him even more after this.
And.. and he still felt woozy and maybe it was --it so was; definitely-- that extra spurting of blood so much blood and maybe it was that threatening floating maybenothing maybesomething halfmemorythought thing that prompted the next sort of remarks. "..Your fingers are pretty." Butter blinked slightly, waiting for some kind of thing --for what, some kind of supernatural forcethingpower?-- and.. and where had that come from but Butter already said it and Zanis probably heard it being right in front of him right there and..
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Posted: Mon Oct 30, 2006 4:30 pm
If a bomb exploded right here and shrapnel tore his body into a thousandmillionbillion little pieces --disturbing image-- then Kiba wouldn’t have minded one bit. Because at least if he died right now, he’d have some memory of a soft touch that wasn’t so wanting as other touches had been. There had been many, all over the place, and even if they had been soft, they had always wanted something from him –usually something he couldn’t give. But Yamagawa’s touch didn’t feel like that. Of course, he could be totally wrong on that score --maybe Yamagawa really did just want something from him-- but it didn’t feel like he did.
And maybe if he just stayed here like this, just touching Yamagawa and being touched by Yamagawa, then maybe somehow…he could…could…maybe he would be better, if he just stayed here. Yamagawa’s touch was…it felt like it was okay, that it was okay to likelove Yamagawa and it wasn’t a bad thing and maybe if he stayed here like this he wouldn’t go back to before when it just felt dirty to love someone so much that it hurt, actually physically hurt somewhere deep down in his chest. And it wasn’t a good kind of hurt, like pushing-bruises kind of hurt. It was a bad, stingingachingdying sort of hurt, because he knew that Yamagawa wouldn’tcouldn’tdidn’t love him back, but it felt like it would all be okay if Yamagawa just kept touching him like this.
His sat still as Yamagawa’s fingers trailed his face, half-lidded eyes watching the other’s face through dark lashes. It wasn’t just that warmglowygood feeling he got from Yamagawa’s touch. That was a majorlybiguberhuge part of it --most of it, really-- but it wasn’t all of it. A lot of it was the fact that he also felt safe, like nothing baddarkdirtyevil --Zanis-- could ever touch himstainhimtainthim ever again. There was just something…warmsafegoodspecial in Yamagawa’s touches, and even though he carried a bit of darkness in him too --DarkYamagawa, IceYamagawa-- there was still that warmth that made it okay for him to have the darkness, because the darkness wasn’t controlling him. And that was…that was a good feeling.
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Posted: Mon Oct 30, 2006 5:14 pm
It was.. Yamagawa still didn't know what it was, what this tinglyburninghurting sensation was, but.. but it was sosososovery...
"..strange." Yamagawa was quite unaware of the word slipping out from between his lips, eyesfingers trailing a seemingly random but..but not quite path along the curves and dips of the other doctor's face, feeling the touches the glimmering fluttering contact of skin brushing against skin almost as acutely as if the touches were magnified by hundred thousand times. There was.. there was something about Kiba, something about the applegreen hair the goldenyellowwarm eyes something about the fluttery glowing ember feeling that he brought out in Yamagawa that was sososo very strange, yet so.. so right. Which was strange, because strange meant that Yamagawa didn'thadn't known it before and.. and not knowing was just bad but Kiba couldn’t be bad because.. because it was Kiba.
"I.." Green eyes slid shut softly, then opened again, for a moment bare, pure, naked exposed sort of fearscarednotknowing flickering across the redhead's eyes that he just couldn’t hold back because he needed to know this feeling, this.. this non-love love sort of feelingness and.. and even if he did love Kiba, if he loved Kiba then there was no way no any no way that he could stop the darkness stop the coldseepinglaughing darkness from creeping in once Kiba left because Kiba will leave, right? Because Kiba had said he would leave--even though he did say he wanted Yamagawa all of him all everythinganythingall of himself.
Because wanting and staying were two very different things, and just because Kiba wanted Yamagawa it didn't mean that Kiba would stay. And.. and right now Yamagawa wanted Kiba to stay, because he needed to know what this feelingemotionthing was, but.. but at the same time he didn't want Kiba to stay because that meant more hurting more..more loving and if this was love if Yamagawa loved Kiba then.. then it would hurt more and moremoremoresosososomuch..!
A little whimper --don'tleaveleavepleasenoyesnoIdon'tknow-- escaped his throat as Yamagawa closed his eyes tightly, leaning forward almost desperatescaredwantingtogocan'tgoneedtostaaaay sort of feelinglooksomething in his movements in his faceeyes hovering just behind his lips don't go and.. and he just brushed his lips against the other's, softlysoftly an almost-kiss, maybesomething should be something needing so much to know if.. if this aching hurting burning warming feeling was.. was what he thought it was..!
I love you.
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Posted: Mon Oct 30, 2006 8:04 pm
He wasn't worried.
Really.
It wasn't worry that made him pause slightly and watch the zombie as he sort of swooned onto the table. It wasn't worry that made him carefully set the needle and thread down and go rummage for some sort of cloth thing to staunch some of the bleeding. And it certainly wasn't worry that dictated he should at least try to be civil to the almost-passed-out creature on his table.
Because Zanis did not worry about anyone. Not even himself. He sailed through life in a little boat of man-made confidence and didn't worry about anyoneanything because he knew that it would all work out in the end. And if it didn't, he could breaksnaptearcutmangle someone until it did work out in the end. That sort of bonedeepsoulsaturated confidence didn't need anything to worry about, not anything, because that sort of confidence knew that everything would work out and it would work out for his benefit if it knew what was good for it.
So really, it wasn't worry that pressed the --slightlydirtystainedtorn-- rag against the hugemajorgaping cutholewound in Butter's arm and held it there for however long it took for the blood to slow to a trickle, instead of the gushingspurtingwoundthings. Because Zanis simply didn't worry about anything. And if he didn't worry about anything, it was some other feeling that was buried in the back of his throat that tasted similar to worry but wasn't because Zanis simply didn't worry.
"..." He knew he should make some sort of remark to Butter' last comment, but the other's blood-spotted cheek was a little...entrancing. And the red was just there, and staining the pureplainblank whiteness with this huge spot of red and it was just marring and it should go away because it was just bad. Butter' sface was blankprettypaledollike so the blood had to go away because otherwise it wouldn't be smoothflawless perfection...
Without really thinking about it, Zanis leaned over, trailing his tongue across the zombie's cheek and lapping the streak of blood off. He might have used his hands had he a: thought about it or b: had them free. BUt his hands were currently holding the ragthing to Butter's arm so he didn't bleed himself dry. Pulling back, the golden gaze slid over the redhotburnbright streak his tongue had left over the other's skin, trailing down to stare at his own fingers.
"They may be pretty," he murmured, pulling the cloth away to check the status of the bleeding. "But they can bite." They could stab and sting and pinch and tear and...and burn Butter's skin, which he wasn't worrying about because, after all, he didn't worry but there was something, some annoying little thing that twinged in his chest at the thought of hurting Butter and he hated it, hated it because it was another unusual feeling and he hated those too and he just wanted them to stop but he didn't know how...
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Posted: Mon Oct 30, 2006 8:29 pm
Strange, that. The table was swimmingwaving too. If he could be seasick, this would have been the right time to be it. But.. but that would somehow make Zanis' roomfloorthing even more dirty and that would make the doctor angrier than he already iswas or.. or something because right now he didn't really seem that angry just.. just something else but Butter didn't know that something else what that something else was because he had never ever seen that kind of.. something.
Butter shook his head lightly and somehow just let Zanis go about doing.. whatever he was doing, blankwhite eyes hazy and.. and more unfocused than usual as he fuzzily watched the doctorperson press the rag --tattered fabric thing-- to the flowingbleeding blood cutwoundstabthing and.. and even though it hurt slightly because Zanis was too close and the burning warmth and.. and he was just tootootooclose..!
A sort of half-gaspy thing fell from his lips though, the first sound he had made ever since that truly strangerandom remark that.. that Butter had no idea where it came from, as Zanis leant forward --closercloserclosertoocloseburns..!-- and that same sort of different burninghurting whipping sensation streaked across his cheek and Butter could feel the rawswelling of flesh, the hothotburning trail that.. that Zanis' tongue left behind.
Zanis had licked him.
And.. and his mouth had been hotter. Hotter and warmer and more more more painful too close way way too close for Butter's liking because Zanis shouldn't be that close because Butter could feel the heat from the other's body too close to his and it burned and it hurt! And.. and even though it hurt in a.. in a quite quite different sort of way than the other people's touches ever had, and not just because Zanis licked him and not just because Zanis was different but maybe it was because Zanis was different and.. and why had Butter said that he had pretty fingers because it was newdifferentstrangeweird, even though it was true?
"Yes," The zombie finally answered, when he had caught his breath --he didn't need to catch his breath; had never had to and why now whywhywhywhy?-- and.. and he could still feel the tinglyburningpainfulness hotterwetterthingness than.. than Zanis' fingers ever had been and it was somehow more painful but not painful at once and why because it always always hurt why.. why the sudden nothurting? "They.. They hurt." But differently, in a way that Butter couldn't explain and he mutely swallowed those words, eyesfingers twitching slightly.
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Posted: Tue Oct 31, 2006 1:58 am
He had...had licked Butter.
Why? Why would he do something like that? At the time there had been a definate reason --something about marring and not marring and...and something-- but now, even though it had been just a couple of seconds ago, he couldn't actually remember the reason. It had been so clear, only now it wasn't and that was worryingnotworrying --Zanis didn't worry-- because Zanis had never ever forgotten something ever, not even those early memories most people had fade. He remembered those clearly, and everything else, only he couldn't remember why he had licked Butter and the action itself was just a sort of vague fuzzy recollection and whatever Butter was doing to him wasn't good even if it felt a little maybekindof okay at times.
But...but they had been talking about...Zanis' hands. And they had...they had hurt. They always hurt. Zanis could only ever hurt people. Probably wasn't capable of anything else. And while normally this wouldn't have bothered him --he probably would have enjoyed the revelation-- Butter was still doing funnystupidunusual things too him even sittingswayingdizzyness on his table and the fact just seemed to make him a little depressed. If all he could do was hurt even if he didn't want to -he didn't want to hurt Butter-- then what good was he if he wasn't needed to hurt anything anymore? Because if things weren't needed to be hurtortureddestroyed anymore, that meant...that meant that Zanis wasn't needed anymore, was expendable, and somehow the word had a dullhollowclanging sort of feeling in his headchestbody and it brought up a slightly metallicbitternotgood taste to his mouth and it was bad. Zanis...
Zanis had never thought himself useless before.
He shouldn't. He still had a job right now, didn't he? So he wasn't useless. But the arrival of something he couldn't breakhurtkilldestroy had sent up little purple warning flags up in the back of his mind --purple because it was a bad color; red was a good color-- and if he thought about it he really was useless, because once he wasn't needed here anymore, where would he go? It wasn't like his type of 'expertise' was in great demand in most places. He'd come here mostly because it was one of those don't-ask don't-tell sort of places and it was morethanslightly illegal which meant his morethanslightly illegal skills could be put to use. But what happened when his skills weren't neededwanted anymore? What then? There weren't that many morethanslightly illegal places left around the world. Which meant that if he lost his job here there was a good chance he wouldn't find a job elsewhere becase where else was there?
He wasn't quite sure why he was suddenly having all these thoughts like this when he'd never worried about something like that before, but he knew it was Butter's fault because all of these weirdfunnyunusualstrange thoughtsfeelings were Butter's fault so he just needed to fix this hole and make him go so he could just...get on with his life and stop thinking weirdstrangenotgood thoughts anymore.
Carefullyquietlysilently, he picked the needle and thread up again, pressing the rag to the woundcuthole with one hand but being careful to begin stitching with the other hand. He didn't know what happened when zombies bled dry, but it probably wasn't good, and he didn't really want to find out. God, he'd have to get a blood drip or something, wouldn't he? Where was he supposed to get one of those? Not only did he not know what kind of blood Butter had --he knew enough to know it wasn't too great to mix just any two types of blood without certain somethings-he-didn't-know being met-- he didn't even know what a blood drip looked like. That was more in the bringing-creaturespeopleexperiments-back-to-life department, which Zanis clearly did not work for. What was he supposed to do, grab an assisstant --most of whom were terrified of him-- and tell them to get a blood drip? Better chance they would just never come back.
God, this day just sucked. First he lost Kiba to the redhead and now this...
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