The Potato: 9-13-06 The Final Issue?

[Lar Gand]

The Potato

If one thing defined me,
it was this:
I loved.


Lar Gand, Publisher
Bernard Dillon, Editor-In-Chief
Roger Cooper, Staff Writer
George Sloane, Staff Writer

Rogue Okay with Gambit's Departure
Anna Marie, X-Men teamer leader and long-time lover of Remus Lebeau, is strangely non-chalant about his radical transformation at the hands of Apocalypse. "He'll get better, I'm sure of it," Anna told the Potato. "Look at all the changes we've been though. Half then team's blu-skinned at one point or another, and some of them changed back. Hell, me and Remy, we didn't have powers for months. We had more sex in those months than most people have in years, and he never complained. This thing that Apocalypse did to him, it's temporary. He'll be back."

Death Becomes Her

What wouldn't most people give to see their loved ones again? It's a popular question, and one well-explored in comics. But as we can see, Ralph Dibny isn't most people.

The former "Elongated Man" actually stopped Superboy's rabid fan-following from reviving his wife, Sue. It's uncertain just why a cult about Superboy didn't try to revive him, or where Ralph was when Hal's worshippers were having their hissy fits, but Sue Dibny doesn't appear to be coming back to life anytime soon.

We asked our resident expert on death, Jimaine Szardos, Queen of Limbo Purgatory, about the situation and hero revivals in general.

"Really, it's all about the paperwork" she says. "It's a long process, coming back to life. Lots of forms to fill out, applications, interviews, all of it. It can take months to get through. The average person just gives up and accepts their new fate. But heroes have never been average people, have they?"

Squirrel Girl Fights For Speedball
Squirrel Girl, member of the Great Lakes Champions, has been fighting the goverment on more than one front. The Champions' victory over Superhuman Marshal Wade Wilson has rocked the superhero community, but Squirell Girl's public defense of Robert Baldwin, aka Speedball, is shaking up things as well.

"Speedball is good and kind and kisses well! How dare he be accused of murdering all those people! I thought the goverment was supposed help us, not hurt us!"

Asked what she would do if Baldwin is convicted of the crimes he's been charged with, Squirrel Girl replied, "I don't know, but I'll do something, and it won't be nice." Rumors of her defeat of Thanos, the mad Eternal, and her willingness to defy the SRA have been making certain parts of law enforcement "uneasy".

Continuing a Classic

Loyal Potato readers may remember Richard Rider's column interviewing the various women of Kapow!. However, due to his forced departure to fight off the Annihilation Wave, he was unable to continue.

So, George Sloane will take up the call and begin conducting interviews again. Ladies in Kapow! who'd like to be interviewed, feel free to let him now. Or if he asks and you don't want to be, just hit him.

Nightcrawler's Tour Cancelled
With the sudden disappearance of Kurt Wagner, his his highly-anticipated self help seminar "Man Training" has been suspended until he can be found. Wagner's bestseller book, "The Woman Manual" is still selling well months after it's release, and may soon outsell other self-help books such as "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" and "The Rules". Tennessean Robert Chapman was particularly vexed, and stabbed six employees at his local Kroger grocery store, where he bought his tickets for the seminar.

Sinister Citadel Destroyed by Unknown Forces
The Secret Society of Super-Villains' lair was demolished this week after a series of rocket attacks and a bombing. Several accounts of the afternoon were consistant. Rockets were fired what was thought to by privately owned land, and several explosions thereafter led to the decloaking of the Sinister Citadel. Appproximately 15-20 minutes later, several bombs exploded inside the Citadel, and the building collapsed soon afterwards. A few eyewitnesses saw a man dressed in black leaving the area, but only briefly. Society member Inque claims the building destroyed was a Life Model Decoy, but that statement was obviously an attempt to save face, as LMDs are androids.

Meta Fighter III: Third Strike

The Cyberdome doors will soon re-open for another Kapow!ian tournament. The tournament will alter slightly from its last incarnation, and offer a few more opportunities to compete. Those interested can contact the AI here. It is currently unsure how AI v2.0 and her various re-programmings will affect the tournaments.

Supermonkeys Escape, Join AKF
Beppo and Beepo, the Kryptonian monkeys who lived with Harleen Quinzell, have left their home with the criminal after the two primates were contacted by Artie Narbon, super-intelligent gerbil and founder of the Animal Kingdom Front, an organization decicated to equal rights of all sentient beings, no matter their species or origin.

"When I heard about Beppo and Beepo, I knew I had to reach out to them. Being kept hostage by an insane human genius is something I understand very well." Narbon corresponded with the two monkeys over the Internet, and after months of emails, the Supermonkeys left Harley Quinn's safehouse for another undisclosed location.

"The monkeys are safe and happy," Narbon said, "As happy as primates can be, with their odd mating desires, angst, and late night Babylon 5 discussions."

Got questions, comments, suggestions? PM our publisher or email us at potato_staff@witty.com.