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 Posted: Sat Oct 21, 2006 5:45 pm
A small gaspy shuddering sort of sound fell out of Kiba’s mouth, nervous and a littlemaybepossiblyscared. Because Yamagawa was…Yamagawa had gone blank and…and not warmsafegood anymore. And…the blank words…were too coldtodarktoonothingtootootoomuchblankness just too much in an almost suffocating way because the words were darkblankemptycoldpressing and making it so he couldn’t breathe because…Kiba could breathmovethink when it got too cold…and…the words were making everything too cold, muchmuchmuch colder than the icicle words had made it.
But…but he had to say somethinganything because if he didn’t…if he didn’t answer…he didn’t know what blankcolddarkness Yamagawa would do but he couldn’t breath toocoldtoocold…he wanted sososo very badly to say something, but he couldn’t –toocoldcan’tbreathemoveanything—and it was getting hard to even think right because sure it was hothotstillveryhot in the office like normal, but Yamagawa’s words were tootootoocold pressing down on his chest and he could barely breathe, let alone speak –toocoldcoldmakethecoldwordsstop—and why was Yamagawa cold now? What…what had Kiba saiddonethought to make Yamagawa go cold…?
“…” Couldn’t breathe, couldn’t speak, couldn’t move. All he could do was take shortshortshallowgaspybreathmaybethings so he wouldn’t pass out or something why was Yamagawa doing this? Why had he gone coldcoldenoughtofreezeKibawhywhywhy? What had Kiba done? He did mean to, was willing to do anything if it meant Yamagawa would stop being cold because the shallowlightbreaths were making him lightheaded and he had to be clearheaded right now or it would get badbadbadreallybadworsethennow but he didn’t know what he did. How could he fix it if he didn’t know what he did?
The hand Yamagawa wasn’t holding down scratched slightly –uselessly—at the other’s shirt, still making the gaspytoolightnotbigenough breaths. Too cold, muchtoocold whatdidhedo? He…he had to make it right again but he didn’t know how and the coldcoldcold words were pressingdowncrushingsuffocating and he couldn’t breathe but he needed to fix the coldness and make Yamagawa warmsafenotcold again.
But how…?
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Posted: Sat Oct 21, 2006 6:19 pm
The seeingunseeing darkgreenswirlingblank gaze swept over the curve of the other male's jaw slowly, his hand still wrapped around the slenderpale wrist and holding the hand over his chest as if.. as if just by touching him making Kiba touch him the coldpressingclinging darkness will go away and the hurt would go away because that's where it hurt the most, inside there inside him, in his chest, the erraticpanickynotcalm beating unsteady under the skin under Kiba's hand and pumping darkdarkflowingcoldness inside him and Yamagawa didn't want this didn't want to feel this but he couldn't help it couldn't stop couldn't...
His gaze slid downwards, the first sort of show of emotion --whatfearwantingscaredguiltjoywhat?-- flickering in them at the sight of the spreaddarkbloody bruises, half-covered by the long applegreen locks of hair that.. A sudden flare of something --wantingneedingtotouchtangleselfsmellit-- alighted briefly inside Yamagawa, but it was just as quickly extinguished swallowed up into the nothingness just like everything else, leaving the redhead's face as impassiveblankempty as ever, his other hand tightening around the already wrinkleddistorted fabric of the gown to stop himself from reaching out to the hairlocksprettygreen and tangletughurt..
"You can't go." He repeated, darkforestgreenmurkyblank eyes still not leaving the darkdarkpained bruises. Somehow, someway, looking at them.. looking at them made himit feel, not in the way that Yamagawa would feel but still it was feeling, a flicker of something that he wasn't sure if he liked because it wasn't right it wasn't right to want to touchkissfeel make it go away. Heit didn't just feel it. It couldn't feel it. It was alwaysalways Yamagawa its otherself that went around trying soso hard so painfully desperately looking for the feeling, not it. But.. "Can't."
I need you... The feebleemptyechoingbroken voice whispered inside the redheadthingnotYamagawa, and heit leant forward slightly, pressing his cheek against Kiba's and absently breathing in tasting the way the other male smelt. Sort of spicyfreshgreenybright sort of tastesmell, but.. but that wasn't the reason, the reason that the otherself his otherself wanted this wanted him. It at least knew that, but.. but why? Why him, this.. this silentbrokenthing, why did hisits otherself want him when he already.. when he wasn't alone because he had himit they weren't alone ever so why did the otherself feel the need to.. to.. to want this?
"..Why?" Heit murmured absently, watching the breath stir the green locks and the warmth from the other male press against down inside his cheek and he still didn't get it. His hand loosened around Kiba's hand, instead overlapping it with his and pressing down against his chest, feeling the curious sensation of.. of heartbeat. "Why does he want you..?"
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Posted: Sat Oct 21, 2006 7:17 pm
He? Kiba thought fuzzily, still trying to get a full breath in. He who? The words Yamagawa said were still so cold, so flatemptydarkcold seepingoozingtrespassing into his lungsbloodbody and he…he couldn’t move, even though it was such an intangible cold and it shouldn’t have affected him at all, but it was, it was affecting him so much and it was hurting because…he couldn’t breathe right and the words weren’t just freezing him they were stabbing at him and didn’t Yamagawa know he couldn’t do anything when it got cold? His body physically couldn’t handle it. If Yamagawa knew that then why was he being so coldhurtingcold?
“…why?” Even that hurt to force out –everything was hurting, why was it hurting?—but he…he had to say something because if he didn’t he wouldn’t be able to fix anythingeverythingallofit. He had to…to try and…breathemovethinkgspeakanything even though it was getting so cold and his limbs felt like they were locking in place and he was probably –yeah, he was shaking even though he didn’t mean to. He wasn’t scared or nervous or anything, it was just so cold…
And…and he wanted to know why too. Why would anyone ever want something like Kiba was? Even…even though Zanis did but Zanis didn’t count because Zanis was evil and evil went by its own rules. But…but why would…why would someone not evil –Yamagawa—want something usedbrokendirty like Kiba? How could he answer a question like that id he didn’t even know? Besides, Kiba…Kiba couldn’t go into Yamagawa’s head, couldn’t know what Yamagawa was thinkingwantingfeeling. Couldn’t…
He couldn’t breathe… Eyes whirling slightly panicked, Kiba felt his fingers flex slowslowslowly on Yamagawa’s shirt, watching from far far away like a movie. It…it was…he didn’t know and it was getting so much harder to think because spots were forming in front of his eyes and he was getting lightheaded and Yamagawa had to stop the cold or he was going to pass out, he would because he couldn’t breathe. And…he had to…say…something, only…he couldn’t anymore –toocold—and he didn’t know what he had to say why did it hurt coldcoldcold…
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Posted: Sat Oct 21, 2006 7:57 pm
He.. he was useless. Useless and broken and dirty and useless and this thing couldn't even seem to say anything everything nothing useful nothing worth listening to, just gasping and half-formed words which heit couldn't really catch because the other's beatingracing heartbeat was sososo close too so close almost tangible taste in hisits mouth, along with a slightly odd strange sort of feeling because being this close made hisits heart race fasterharder under their hands but why and how was this thing making this body his body like this? But.. but it still didn't change the fact that he was nothing so why did the otherself want him why?
"Yes," NotYamagawasomethingelse took another soft breath in, his mind swimmpingpressingjumbled with all sorts of imagesflashessomething something flickering inside himits body that made himit press sort of maybe just maybe closer to the other male, the hand that was clutching at the whitepalethickredrough fabric of Kiba's gown loosening and sliding out and around --an almostcaress-- the green haired male's back, trailing up into tangle amidst the longsmoothnice applegreen locks of hair, cupping the back of Kiba's headneckcurvingaround. The eyelashes trembled slightly as a light, almost undetectable tremor went through him at the touch, and heit tilted his head slightly, feeling the pure, actual warming heat radiating from the other male. It made himit.. It.. He could only describe it as feel, but ithe couldn't feel couldn't because heit was nothing and noone and he had nothing save for his otherself but now he had this thing and so he wouldn't need it anymore he wouldn't be here because of this thing and everything was this..his.. fault his fault..!
The greenblankdark eyes narrowed slightly, nails scratching softlysoftlydangerously close against the back of Kiba's neck and turlingtangling, and.. and he was almost sort of maybe painfully aware of the hurtingcrackingdrowning emptiness drowning sort of golden spark drowning and hethey didn't need anyone else didn't need anyonenoone because nobody knew nobody understood Yamagawaotherself more than himit and why couldn't he see it why couldn't the otherself see it because he knew him best..! He couldn'twouldn'tshouldn't need anyone else noone else apart from himselfitself! Why?
"Why does he want you..?" He tightened his grip over his heart, almostpainfully pressing the other's hand closer and gripping tightly around it over it and if heit could just push the hand into his chest, just sosososomuch like what he had done to this thing this personthing that the otherself wanted then maybe maybe he could understand why.. "Why does it hurt..?" Why does it? Why does he want him need him like he never needed anyone else before not even himitself when he needed the otherself needed because he was his everything and heit didn't need anyoneanything else so why did he want this thing?
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Posted: Sat Oct 21, 2006 10:15 pm
He didn’t know! How could Kiba know what Yamagawa was thinkingfeelingwanting? Kiba could only ever know what Kiba was feeling. Not Chou-chan or Zanis or Yamagawa or anyone else! So why was he being asked ‘why’? How could he possibly know? Kiba could…could guess and surmise reasons, but he could never know. He could never ever ever ever know why Yamagawa wanted him –did Yamagawa want him?—and he would never find out, not like this, not if the cold kept persisting, because it was sapping away everything he had. He couldn’t do this, couldn’t take the cold, couldn’t…couldn’t answer the question because he didn’t know!
It was almost taking everything he had just to stay conscious. The spots were dancing and swirling in front of his eyes and so invitingly asking hi to just go to sleep but he couldn’t, because even if he passed out, the cold would still seep into his bonesbloodeverything. Even the other’s mere touch was cold, coldlikeice, and maybe some part that wasn’t hurtingorgoingnumb knew, could tell the other was sosoveryclose to his neck again but he didn’tcouldn’t do anything because everything needed to be put into staying awake and not passing out even though it felt like maybe a good idea but it was a bad idea because it wouldn’t make the cold or the hurting go away.
“W-why—” Good god, his teeth were chattering, this was bad, “—are you--” it wasn’t even a real chill, it shouldn’t be affecting him this much! “—s-s-so—” can’t think can’t breathe it hurts thisisn’tYamagawa “—c-cold?” Because Yamagawa made him felt warm, made the embers start to glow again, and this person was not Yamagawa even though they wore the same face because this person just froze. It wasn’t even the same as the otherYamagawa, that Yamagawa had hurt. This one…this one just frozechilledcoldcoldcold and Kiba didn’t know how much more of this he could take. It was just too much too cold and even though it wasn’t a real temperature drop it was still seeping into his bodylungsbloodeverywhere and just freezing everything and it didn’t matter that it wasn’t real because it’s effects were all too real and maybe it was all just psychological and maybe he was just imagining it but he could feel it even if it wasn’t real to anyone else and he didn’t know how to fix it…
”Sorry”, he whispered, or maybe he only thought he did because it was just so cold and he couldn’t tell if the words had gotten past his tongue. Did he even have enough air to spare on words? He didn’t know. But he had done something wrong something bad something to make it cold and Yamagawa was hurting –that was one of the questions, right?—and he had made Yamagawa hurting and he was sosososorry he had done that because he nevereverever wanted Yamagaw to be hurting, not because of him and even if Kiba was hurting like this hurtingburningfreezingstopping like this it was okay if it made Yamagawa stop being IceYamagawa and go back to regular Yamagawa who was warm and made the warmth come back in Kiba. Even…even if Kiba never ever touched that warmth Yamagawa invoked, it would be okay if only the cold would stop…
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Posted: Sun Oct 22, 2006 12:34 am
"You.." The redhead breathed along the side of the green haired male's face, eyes closing just a fraction more at the softsmooth feel of the locks brushing against his face. That had been another feeling. More and more of those annoying, infuriating feelings that heit hated because they are not supposed to feel ever never ever never to feel because everyone left Yamagawa everyone left them so they didn't need anybody else just each other and.. and definitely not this guy even though the otherself wantedneeded him and maybe maybe heit liked the way this thingperson felt against him but he couldn't ever feel ever..!!
"Why.." His fingers brushed against the back of Kiba's neck again, gentler this time, almost probingpryingcuriouslight. He didn't know this feeling, didn't know any feeling and hadn't known hadn't ever wanted to and now, just maybe..maybe.. he just did. His fingers were trembling slightly, despite the strange soaking sort of warmth that was spreading inside, inside himit and that was strange too, because there was nothing inside him none at all because 'he' had made sure that heitthem waswere nothing and noone emptydarklostalone for ever and ever but.. but then this thing turned up so now Yamagawait wasn't sure anymore on whether theyhimit was actually truly nothing or maybe something but not quite the kind of something they neededwanted. All heit knew, all it knew was that this thing, whatever whoever it was, was.. was making the otherself want him and warming him and maybe he was kindofmaybejustalittlea lot warming himit too even though heit didn't need it and.. "..Why are you so warm?"
It was uttered as more to himselfthemselves at the tremblingpanickywhisperydrowning voiceotherself than at that thing, this thing that he wanted to go away wanted him to go away away from the otherself because it was a confusingjumbled mix of strange feelings like hurting and wanting and needing and warmth and hurt and sort of numbness that was somehow accompanied by strange tingling sensation where their bodies were pressed together and he wanted it to go away but why was heit clutching so tightly against him like he was the only thing left in the entire wide span of the world?
"You make me feel strange." The fingertips grazed the hairline softly, curiouslychildish jerky hesitant touches over the locks of hair and the soft skin of the neck somehow very uncertain and not knowing what heit was doing but at the same time sososososovery sure that there must be something to this.. this thing that made his otherself want this shiveringshudderingcoldwarm form here and why did he want him so heit needed to find out.. it had to find out whywhywhyisn'theitgoodenough?! The redhead gritted his teeth slightly at the thought, eyes narrowingflickeringdark with hatewantneedconfusedhateyou.. "You make him feel strange."
Because.. Because heit was part of them, part of Yamagawa part of him so so deep so close so very very part of his very beingbreathgaspbloodbodysoul that heit had never thought about Yamagawaotherself needing anyone else before because why would he when he had himit? Why? Why would he go out get this.. this thing, why would he want his touches, why would he want to feel this body this smelltastetouch why...?
Stop, the emptycoldsmallwhimpering voice begged, echoing inside the colddarkness amidst the flickering pile of almost almostcolddeadfrozen lumps of warmth that was feebly trying to fight off the coldpressing darkness the cold blankness because.. because Kiba hated being cold and he just said that Yamagawa was cold and Yamagawa didn't want Kiba to be cold didn't want Kiba to go because he was cold too and.. and Kiba hated cold, so if he was cold then.. then he hated Yamagawa, right? If he was cold, Kiba would hate Yamagawa and then he would really leave and never ever come back ever..! "Stop.." The notYamagawaselfthing whimpered softly, blindly pressing his lips against the side of Kiba's face, eyes slipping closed tightly. Why was he hurtingwhydidwhy? "I'm doing this for youonlyyounooneelsenoonejustyou.."
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Posted: Sun Oct 22, 2006 8:21 am
When Kiba was little, if he got sick his mother would come and sit by his bed and hum soft things. Her hands were always cooler than the room ever was, Kiba remembered that, and had thought it was strange because snakes were warm when it was hot, right? But she always, always warned against going to people who they themselves were cold. She said that…that those types of people would be just as effective against him as sitting in the snow would. People who were truly cold, in wordstouchthoughtdeed, would make his blood get too cold and stop, even though there was nothing temperature-wise abut them that was cold.
Funny how mundane memories came at pointless times like this.
But he had to wonder…Was he masochistic? To want this cold IceYamagawa as a ‘something else’ too? Even though the freezingburningcoldwarmhotfireice was just flooding through his body, even though it wasn’t real but it was tearing apart his insides and stopping things that shouldn’t be stopped. Was it wrong to want IceYamagawa like that too? Because…even though IceYamagawa was hurtingcoldblankemptycold, he…he was still a part of Yamagawa, and Kiba had learned sososolong ago that you couldn’t have a ‘something else’ without wantingneedingcraving every single part of them. That was why…that was why he still felt that way for Zanis, felt it for Yamagawa, because even though Yamagawa had hurt himfrozehimbithimcold it was still Yamagawa and Kiba wantedneeded Yamagawa as a ‘something else’. Maybe even more of a ‘something else’ than even Zanis, because Zanis had never made him feel warmglowyember inside, just darkcoldscared, and Yamagawa did –not this Yamagawa, but the other one, the not-IceYamagawa—but…but even though there was burningicyhotcoldness, even though it was hurtingfreezingstoppingcoldcold, he…Kiba still…wanted himthemallofthem, however many different Yamagawas were in there, because he still wanted Yamagawa.
Was it wrong to feel that? Kiba had never ever ever likedwantedneeded pain, even though he had known so many people in his extended family who practically lived off pain like some sort of drug. And this burningfreezingicefirecoldhotcoldness was definitely pain, more pain than he thought he’d ever felt before. But…but he still wanted it, more than he’d ever wanted something before, because even though it hurthurthurtsomuch, it was still Yamagawa. Still the one who was a ‘something else’, still the one who hadn’t given him away to Zanis, still the one who made him feel, made the embers glow inside. And even…even though it was so cold right now, it was still Yamagawa, and Kiba wantedneeded Yamagawa, all of Yamagawa, even IceYamagawa if that was what it took.
Shuddering, Kiba forced his teeth to stop chattering for just a moment. “I want you too,” he whispered, letting his eyes slip shut. He wanted IceYamagawa and DarkYamagawa and normal Yamagawa and any other Yamagawa there was, because he wanted Yamagawa. Yamagawa was a ‘something else’, but a special sort of ‘something else’, not like a normal ‘something else’ at all. He was…he was the next plane of ‘something else’s, that higher elevated status that no one else was yet. And…and even though everything was getting tootootoocold, even though Kiba could feel his body reaching an almost critical low—toocoldtoocoldmakeitstoptoocold—he still…still wanted Yamagawa. Because…Yamagawa made him feel warmsafecaredforspecialprecious, and not just…just…Yamagawa didn’t make him feel dirty. And that…that was definitely a different kind of ‘something else’.
I want all of you, he thought, wanting to say the words but he couldn’t, his body was freezing up on him coldcoldcold and he knew he was slipping fartherfasterdeeper towards unconsciousness and unconsciousness would be reallyreallybad at a time like this but he could help it because IceYamagawa wasn’t stopping the cold and he didn’t want to move away because if he did, he’d lose Yamagawa forever, all the Yamagawas, and..Kiba needed Yamagawa, more than anything, so he had to stay, even if it was getting sososoverydangerous to stay because Yamagawa was freezing him but he…had to stay… His body relaxed under the other’s touch, not because it had stopped being cold, but because it had gotten beyond cold, and there was just this burningnumb sort of feeling. Even though Kiba knew it was still getting colercoldercolder, he…didn’t really feel it anymore, didn’t really care. Because…even if he went beyond that safe point, even if his body completely shut down right now, at least…at least there was…Yamagawa was here…
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Posted: Sun Oct 22, 2006 1:02 pm
The colddarkwandering fingers stopped their aimlesssomethingsearching trailing through the green locks of Kiba's hair, pattering softlylightly over the pale skin fleeting over tracing over the veinpulse of his neck and there was that strange warmth again and those bruises, those darkredpurplegreenbloodyprettythings spread blooming like flowers bloody and pretty over the paleness smoothness of the skin, and.. and heit remembered it, remembered them remembered how it felt how it tasted under his lipsteethtongue and --Iyouhimthey couldn't feel!!-- it was good, it had been good, this greenshudderingcoldwarmwarm form pressed between this body and the wall and the cryingtearsscreamingthing in hisits ears ringing sharp and high with painpainpainhurt and that had been nice..
"..." The redhead --eyesfacelipsmouth coldcoldcoldlightdarkflickerflickerflicker-- slowly, almost almost gently resumed the trailingtracingcaressing again, the green eyes blankblankdarkvoidswirling mere slits focused on the pale milky throat of the other male's, shivering as he gasped for breath and heit liked it liked how the palepaleness made the darkpainfulflowering bruises look more vivid more bright in contrast and it would be goodvery good muchmuchmuchmuch better if there were a few more beautifulprettyflowerbruises and more of the prettypained screamingness and the feel of the rapid beating heartbloodlifeunder his lips under him and it would be good..!
"I want you too,"
His lipsteethtonguemouthbreath paused slightly, hovering just over dangerously closecloser over the jugular the Adam's apple the arteryflowinglifebloodveinheartbeat his warmcolddampicycoldfiery breath washing over the green haired male's skin, the grip around Kiba's hair and his wrist pressingdowndowndown against the redhead's chest flexing unsurely, shoulders shaking a little and heit didn't understand whywhywhywhy did he want himthemit why did Kiba want them why why was heit feeling so strange like his world just shattered down into thousands of millions of pieces and put back together into a whole new sort of thing that was the same as before yet sosososo different and was this all hisKiba's fault did he do it why?
And.. and hisits otherself was quiet quiet too quiet and what did he do heit was so confused it didn't mean to do anything do anything bad just.. just he was so confused and angry and heit didn't want to be alone alonedarkcoldalonenothingelse never ever again more alone because heit had his otherself before so he wasn't alone but now Yamagawaotherself didn't need himit anymore and instead he wanted this thing and now this thingpersonthing was saying that he wanted Yamagawa too and they both wanted each other and so what was heitwhatwasit?!
"If you do.." NotYamagawaselfthing whispered, mouthlipsteeth still closehoveringdangerclose over the other male's neckpretty bruises but the blankblackdarkblandeyes maybe maybe not so blankdark maybe curiouslostaloneconfused trying to trying so hard to know know whywhywhywhy?! Hisits hands shook softly, a series of uncontrollable sort of little tremorshuddering passing through himit like little sparks of electricitytinglything. "If you do.. then.. then why does it hurt so much.."
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Posted: Sun Oct 22, 2006 2:19 pm
Kiba tilted his head back slightly. Why, he didn’t know, exposing his neck was a sign of surrender. But…but he could feel the warmhotcold breath touching his skin –strange, he couldn’t feel much else; it didn’t even hurt anymore—but he felt the breath, felt the other’s closeness even though the other was still so cold, even though everything else had faded into a fuzzyfadedblurry blue sort of shade, but he could feel Yamagawa who was more yellowredorangeburning even though he was cold, maybe because he was a burningfreezing sort of cold, and he was…he was sosoclose and still so cold but it was okay because he was close. And…having Yamagawa close…that was all that was ever going to matter right now.
His shaking had started up again. Maybe he hadn’t really gone beyond the cold, but he still was feeling numb. Even though he felt Yamagawa’s breath, even though he could sense the other male’s presence, he couldn’t feel anything else. Except maybe possibly when the other’s breath slid across the darkpurpleredmarkbruised parts of skin and sent little maybe-rockets shooting through his blood, maybe-rockets of something, maybecold, maybehot, maybegoodmaybebad but it was something, and something was good in the numbness because somehow Kiba knew that if he went completely onehundredpercent numb he would be in soverymuchlybig trouble and it would be baaad, so it was good that he was feeling something, feeling the maybe-rockets of something because it meant he wasn’t all the way numb but he was feeling something good…
Why did it hurt? He didn’t know. It felt like Kiba was always hurting, like everything hurt, but Yamagawa didn’t make him hurt. But why was Yamagawa hurting? He didn’t know. He couldn’t answer someone else’s ‘whys’, even though he wanted to, if it would make IceYamagawa stop being so cold and maybe be a little warmer and just not cold because cold was bad and dark and cold and…and cold was lonely. And Kiba…Kiba didn’t want to make Yamagawa lonely. He wanted to…make the loneliness go away, and he could only assume that IceYamagawa was cold because he was lonely, because everyone was cold when they were lonely, that was just the way it was. Even Kiba, Kiba-who-lived-in-hothothotness, was cold when he was lonely. So he wanted…wanted to make Yamagawa…warm…
“I want…everything…inside Yamagawa…” He took a slow, shaking breath, spots still dancing in front of his eyes. “…because…Yama…gawa…is…Yamagawa…” That said, he dropped his forehead on the other’s shoulder, feeling almost like everything was swimming away. Like reality this reality was sinking into some sort of wonderful beautiful rainbow-colored dream, and he should just go to sleep because that was what the cold wanted, that was what the cold was asking him to do and if he just went to sleep then it wouldn’t be cold or warm or burningicy or hurting ever again, right? Because sleep would make everything just be farfaraway and if it was far far away it couldn’t touch him, never again and it wouldn’t even hurt again, right?
Somewhere, waywaywaydeepdowninside, Kiba knew he was losing it. He was getting too close to that critical low, too close to that empty darkness that would just eat him up, and he knew he couldn’t go to sleep like a person with a concussion couldn’t go to sleep because if he did, he wouldn’t wake up again, even though the idea of sleep was so inviting but he had to stay awake, had to try and make Yamagawa warm again because it was just so sad when people were coldlonely. So he needed to stay awake and make Yamagawa warm again, no matter how hard it was, even if it was tootootoohard just like it was tootootoocold because it was…he had to make Yamagawa warm…
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Posted: Sun Oct 22, 2006 4:39 pm
Everything. Everythingeverythinganythingeverythingeverything--
The fingers flexed slightly, tightening and loosening over the slender wristneckskinsoft so fragile and so easy to break so easy to shatter if he wanted if it wanted to if.. It would be so easy, it would be so easy to put out the last brief spark out of this.. this thingperson, this.. Kiba.. that just said that he wanted everything inside Yamagawa but he could be lying again and heitthem couldn't take another lie couldn'tcouldn't wouldn't heit'll hurt him it was a lie..! HeIt should.. it should just go, because that's what Kibapersonthing truly wanted, right? He was lying when he said he'll stay forever and ever never ever leaving them leaving Yamagawa so he must be saying the truth when he said he should gogo away so.. so even though the otherself didn't want him to didn't want them to go cryingcolddarkscreamingcoldcoldcold inside.. h-heit.. should.. go...
But.. Heit hesitated, eyesgreennessflickerflickerlightdarkcoldwarmlightdarklight-- fingersnails scraping scratching lightly over the other's skin. Heit could breakshatter Kiba, he should, because heit was so sososovery terribly jealous terribly alonelonelycoldcold terribly angry because otherself liked this thing better and whywhywhy? heit knew the otherself better he understood the otherself better because heit was it was it knew the otherself and heit knew where nobody else never could he knew why it was so blank why it was so cold he knew why the otherself sometimes hurt but why did he want this thingpersonthing?!
But If.. if heitKiba.. if Kiba wanted everything.. everything and anything and all of himself all of Yamagawa.. then.. then.. maybe hepersonthing didn't.. maybe.. maybe he.. maybe.. "Why.." The redheadnotself pulled back slightly, almost curiously feeling the ache in his heartchestinside grow a fraction just a little more hurting just a little bit more but the warm feeling still there still not gone, confusedlytiredly jumbledmixed feelings swirling uncontrolled confusingly flashing past through the green orbs as heit stared rather incredulously down at the green haired male leaningclosecloseclose against hisits body their body. The coldcoldshaking fingertips left the nest of silkylongapplegreen hair and traced the shell of Kiba's ear lightly, another slight tremor shuddering through the redhead's body at the contact.
"R..Real..ly?" His voice waveredwhisperedshatteredbroke, the tighttightlooseningcoldhard grip around Kiba's wrist finally letting let go completely, instead moving up the green haired male's back tracing feeling the knobs under through the gownshirtskin tracing the spine upup gentlyhesitantlynot knowing why but.. but it didn't matter nothing mattered really nothing because.. because this personthing.. Kiba.. he.. he wanted all he said he wanted all even himit and.. and just everything.. so.. so.. it didn't matter if Yamagawaotherself liked him.. it didn't matter if the otherself wantedneeded this person.. if.. if they didn't leave himit alone.. right..? "You.. can't lie.."
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Posted: Sun Oct 22, 2006 5:23 pm
"Quite beyond alright my Ware..." He whispered in reply his kalidescope eyes glittering with amusement at this creatures reactions to his touches. His lips glided over the males skin, from his lips down to his neck. He could feel it, his bodies want for Ware. It was nearly overwhelming, the steady reminder to slow down kept him at a slow pace.
"Guide me Ware...tell me that to which your body wants," he whispered as his eyes held a deep green, they were casted upwards to look at his face. To read his eyes, his facial expressions. Kissing down to his shoulder he bit gently at the skin before moving down further his hand pushing the towel completely away. What was there to hide his lover from? What lay beneath him belonged to him, he would no longer hide Ware. He would make sure no one else touched him.
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Posted: Sun Oct 22, 2006 6:39 pm
“Why..”
Why what? Why did he…what? Want everything Yamagawa? Because he was Yamagawa. Everything that was Yamagawa was…was precious, and made Kiba warm, which he’d never ever felt, not since he was sososo very little, and he made Kiba feel safe, even this strange IceYamagawa who made him feel frozennumbbutsafe and the HurtingYamagawa and the regular Yamagawa and they all made him feel warmandsafe, all the parts of Yamagawa, and…Kiba wanted the warmsafefeeling because…it was so strange…but good…
How could he answer why? He just did.
“Hnn…” Don’t fall asleep, do not fall asleep! He couldn’t fall asleep, he had to stay awake, stay awake, falling asleep would be baaad. No matter how inviting the idea of sleep sounded, he had to stay awake because if Kiba went to sleep he’d never wake up, not unless Yamagawa stopped the cold but Kiba wasn’t so sure if he would so he had to stay awake. And never waking up again would be bad even though it would be good because Yamagawa wouldn’t be there, Yamagawa would still be awake even if he went to sleep and Kiba didn’t want to be where Yamagawa wasn’t because Yamagawa made him feel safewarmicy so he had to stay awake…
“Sorry,” he murmured, turning his head so his nose brushed against the side of the other’s neck. “So sorry.” He never meant to lie, had never wanted to lie, not to Yamagawa, never to Yamagawa. So…he had promised, had promised not to ever ever leave, why was he trying to go? It…something had made it seem like a good idea, but…but he couldn’t remember. Something dark made it seem like it was almost…okay to break the promise, but…but that was silly because he was okay, he was safe like this, it felt safe, all wrapped up in fire and ice, so why did he ever think it was okay to break his promise? It was never okay to break a promise, and…and he had promised with everything he had that he’d nevernever leave, so he couldn’t, not even falling asleep, because falling asleep was leaving too, and…and he had promised, so he couldn’t leave, just couldn’t…
Shuddering, he pulled back –why did his head feel so heavy?—blinking slowly, trying to clear the spots from his vision. Had to stay awake… Eyes whirling slightly, he gave a small, sad smile, sososo sorry for trying to break the promise, for making Yamagawa sadhurticylonely, and he had to –stay awake—fix it, prove to Yamagawa he was never ever going to go away again, had to…to make Yamagawa…not lonelywarm he had to make Yamagawa warm again so he didn’t…didn’t fall asleep and would be able to keep his promise foreverandeverandever…
Falling more than anything, he leaned forward, lips pressingbrushingtouching up against Yamagawa’s. And…and even though the touch sent icyspikesofcoldhurtburningness stabbing through his bodyheartheadmind, he…there was something there, too, something…that glowing emberness and it was good, it was feeling, it was…it was keeping him awake because the warm glowyemberness was trying, however slightly, to banish the cold and it wasn’t much but it was…enough to keep him from falling asleep completely and leaving because he had promised.
He just…had to pray Yamagawa wouldn’t push him away. Because Yamagawa had promised too…
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Posted: Sun Oct 22, 2006 9:39 pm
Sorry for what? He wanted to ask, wanted to know needed to know why Kiba was sorry whywhywhy? So many questions so many things that heit didn't understand and everything was so confusing and complicated and he wanted it everything to be explained why but the flutterystrangeodd feelingfeelings were creeping up his fingertipsarmshoulderchestbody and making everything swirl and heady and murky sort of, and.. and he wasn't sure if this was supposed to happen maybe it wasn't maybe it was but it somehow felt nice in the strangeweirdoddness, so he guessed it wasn't that bad maybe it was supposed to happen this way..
And.. and the tingly funny feeling when the other brushed against his neck, that was especially strange because heit felt suddenly like closing his eyes and there was that strange warming thing again and.. and maybe it was just the skin-on-skin body heat maybe thing and Kiba said it was cold he was cold so.. so maybe this was helping, right? Even though it felt funny --maybejustmaybe in a good way and not bad-- and it made histheir heart beat pattering away inside his chest like heit never ever felt ever before, couldn’t even remember it ever doing that sort of thing, but.. but maybe.. just maybe it was something like this that the otherself wanted, this tinglywarmhotstrange beating feeling that.. that Kiba could give him and not himit, never him.
That thought should have been disconcerting, should have been, but.. but heit couldn't think properly because the other.. Kiba.. was moving awayaway and so it was a lie and he lied again and again and it hurt because heit was actually feeling actually thinking that it was feeling and now Kiba was going and it huuurt..!!
Heit almost gasped in panickfearscaredpained sort of whimperingwantingthing, yet another funny --but baaad so soso horribly bad instead of that warmgood feeling before-- strange odd new feeling that heit had never felt before, even though he knew this feeling, knew it like.. like an aftermath of earthquake, knew it like a scar left after a wound, knew it echoing slowly sluggishly faintly inside inside Yamagawa ever so often and it had hurt and now heit was actually feeling it and it was like a knifestabblingblowhitthuddingpain coiling digging deep inside his chest and it hurthurthurthurt..
Then.. then he was closer, and.. and closerclosercloseclosesoclose a-and..
Through the blurryvisiontears --tears? Hethey never cried couldn't ever cry it was weakness a crack an imperfection couldn't ever cry can't-- and the equally blinding newstabbingicy sort of pain, the redhead felt the other's coldcoldwarm lips press against his and there was that something something theyYamagawa needed wanted something heitthey had been searching for all this time something something that heit didn't know existed couldn't ever exist but it did and.. and this.. this personthingKiba.. he..
"Don'tgo," He desperately murmured against Kiba's lips, pushing up hardclosescared againstinto the other male, hands almostmaybe hopelessly grippingalmostclawing at the other's backhairneck and even though somewhere inside somewhere inside him there was that strange painguilt he was hurting Kiba but heit hurt too and he couldn't let Kiba go because Kiba wanted Yamagawa wanted him and all of Yamagawa which.. which meant that he mightyesnomaybejust like himit too and.. and if.. if he broke, if it broke Kiba, because it felt so sososovery terribly horribly jealous so alone hopelessly alone then.. then the otherself wouldn't feel and.. and heit needed the otherself to be here he had to be here together.. s-so..
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Posted: Mon Oct 23, 2006 12:01 am
Kiba made a muffled yelpy sort of sound, arching up away from the nailscratchingtouchingsharpicycoldfire running over his backneckarea, consequently pressing against Yamagawa’s upper body. The sudden rush of fire flooding through his system, while a little unexpected, wasn’t exactly unwelcome. Because…fire was good. It meant that there wasn’t just icycold, but there was firehotwarmth coming from Yamagawa, which was good because warm meant maybe notlonely, and Kiba just wanted to make Yamagawa not lonely never lonely and if that meant never going away evereverever no matter what happened then the fire was good because sleeping was running away too and the fire feeling was keeping him from sleeping in the coldness.
His grip tightened on Yamagawa’s shirt, the other’s pulse shooting through his hand to swirl in his earsheadmind. A littlealmostmaybeprobablydefinately desperately, he deepened the kiss cautiouslycarefullyneedingwantingcraving the other’s touchfeeltastesmell. Because it was still sososovery cold, coldfreezingcoldburningicyfeelingcold, but it was better right now because Yamagawa –whichever Yamagawa this was right now—wasn’t pushing away so the glowyember warmth was rising up and eating at the cold so it was maybeprobably pushing back just the teeniesttiniestlittlest bit, which was good, it meant Yamagawa wasn’t coldlonely anymore.
Sorry, he apologized silently, making a soft, worried flutter sound in his throat. Sorry sorry I won’t go I promise don’t leave sorry please don’t go-- Even though it was feeling muchmuchmuchmorewarmer and maybepssibly Yamagawa wasn’t as cold Kiba still didn’t know, couldn’t fully tell if the scratchingclawingdigging was because Yamagawa wanted him to or if it was something else, but a bad something else. He didn’t know, so he had to apologize and apologize over and over for lying and make sure Yamagawa knew how sorry he was so he didn’t throw Kiba away because Kiba didn’t know what he would do without Yamagawa. Because even though Yamagawa was coldcoldicy right now, and had been hurting before, he was still the only person ever who could make the glowyemberwarmth and that was a good feeling and he didn’t want it to stop.
Strange how it hurt but it didn’t hurt, all at once. It was definitely painful, hurtingburningfreezingicycoldhotfire, and it did hurt, but whatever-it-was didn’t hurt too. Even though the feeling was racing through his body and tearing at his insides and hurting, it didn’t hurt, because…because it just didn’t. It wasn’t exactly numb, but it wasn’t exactly pleasurehappiness either. Maybe something in between, something not hurting. And it was weirdstrangeodd because Kiba had never ever liked being hurt, but he didn’t muchly mind this whatever feeling, because it didn’t hurt while it was hurting, and even though he didn’t think he should like the hurtingnonhurting, he did, he eallyreallyreallylikedit and he wasn’t sure if that was a bad thing or a good thing but he did. And he knew, just knew, that simply feeling the whatever feeling was a good thing, because it meant the numbness was fading and maybe the coldness was seeping away and that was a good thing.
Trembling still –not just from the cold, from nervousscaredworried stuff too—Kiba carefullygentlymaybe let his tongue brush against the redhead’s lip, not really knowing what he was asking for but knowing he wanted something. Maybe more of the warm glowyembergood feeling, maybe he wanted Yamagawa to feel the glowyembergood feeling, maybe…he didn’t know. But there was something he wanted, and he wanted Yamagawa to wantneedhave, and he just needed to find it out and give it to Yamagawa so they wouldn’t be lonely, so Yamagawa wouldn’t be lonely, because Kiba didn’t mind being lonely if Yamagawa wasn’t. But first that meant making the icychillcoldloneliness stop and making Yamagawa warmnotlonelybetter again only he didn’t really know how to do that either…
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Posted: Mon Oct 23, 2006 12:58 am
"You can't go." Yamagawanotthing mutteredwhispered, or rather tried to whisper tried to say it so the other would hear and.. and even though there was that stupid scary nasty nagging fear scaredness that it wouldn't even make a dent, wouldn't make any sort of difference whatsoever if Kiba actually truly really wanted to leave, leave him leave them leave Yamagawa behind. Even though Kiba said he wanted him, even though Kiba saidpromised it, Yamagawacoldicyself couldn't trust it just yet couldn’t believe him couldn’t bring himself to trust those words just yet because he had lied and.. and Yamagawa none of Yamagawa liked lying..
...Not ever. His grip tighttightuncomfortably tightened around the shirtgownthing of Kiba, almost trembling in the tension palewhite knuckles shaking softly. There.. there was that voice otherrealvoice who didn't want himit to do this didn't want him to hurt Kiba because it was bad and they shouldn't ever hurt Kiba ever because hurtingpain was bad and.. and weusthey should know.. He was.. he was aware of the yelp, aware of the painhurtcoldness but.. but it made the other press up closer against histheir body and that feeling was good and warm more warmth but Yamagawa was hurting Kiba...!
"..Kiba.." His voice brokemurmuredlapsed partly into the othervoice the uncold voice shaking softly nervously scaredly because Yamagawa was scared scared that the otherthing other darkpersonthingdarkness would take him away from him and Yamagawa didn't want ithimpersonthingsnake to he couldn't let him take Kiba and.. and.. and he couldn’t let Kiba go away all by himself alone because.. because being alone was bad and.. and so maybe.. maybe if he stopped hurting Kiba, if it stopped hurting Kiba stop freezinghurtingstabbing him no more pain then.. then maybe Kiba will stay, right?
Making some sort of half-whimpering scared wantingneeding sort of noise, Yamagawa --still jumbled flickeringconfused swirlingdarklightnesscold--pulledpressed them closer still, his lips hesitantly parting slowlysurely at the touchwarmheat of Kiba's tongue. Because.. because not touching Kiba hurt and.. and when hethey touched Kiba then some of the pain some of the hurtcoldness faded away and.. and maybe if they just continued doing this, continued and didn't stop holdingtouchingkissing, then.. then maybe Kiba won't be cold anymore and if he wasn't cold, then he just might not leave and might just stay because Yamagawa needed him to so Kiba had to staaay..
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