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But that doesn't matter. At the same time, a spaceship landed in Ontario. And this was no manmade spaceship. There were aliens on it. The worst kind of aliens - Octopus aliens. They're like regular aliens, but with eight tentacles. Gross, dude.

So maybe that does matter. See, the guy happened to be just outside of Ontario as this was happening. The girl wasn't - don't ask me how, shut up - But since Canada is in Canada and Canadia is known to be extremely small, moving at 100 MPH they both ended up in the same place pretty fast. So there's a guy and a girl on a hella fast motorcycle speeding down the streets of Canada as the rest of the nation panics over these octopus aliens. Fortunately the dude is a card-carrying badass, right? The kind of dude who really knows where his towel is. So what does he say?


Guy: YEAH b***h LET'S KICK SOME ALIEN a**
Girl: You're drunk.
Guy: I AM NOT WOOHOO

The guy at this point pulled out a Jones Soda and chugged it, while maintaining his three-digit speed. What a badass, really.

Girl: *sigh*

The next day in the newspaper, a motorcycle crashed into a building due to brake failure. Two people were in the crash, but only one survived. Fortunately, this was another motorcycle, not the one our heroes were riding. Instead, our fearless heroes (actually, the guy is afraid of spiders and the girl has issues with slip-on shoes, but that's another story entirely) sped towards the alien landing sight. The man continued drinking his Jones soda. They approached the eight-tentacled beasts.

An alien: Wow, what a badass. You see that soda, dudes?
Another alien: Bro. BRO.

We're so lucky they speak English. Another Alien's exclamation sent the lot of them into a fit of BRO. That is, a continuing chain of each yelling "BRO!" with a number of different intonations. It's actually really, really cool. I wish I had a video or something of it, but you know, I'm not from Ontario. Why didn't you record it? God. Besides, I'm scared shitless of those things. Aliens are bad enough, but tentacles, gross.

Anyway, this massively bro fit of bro-tude was pretty bro for a bro period of time. It effectively incapacitated the lot of them for a while, bro. So anyway, in the time it took our fearless drunk badass rode around in some pretty shoddy circles a lot. But there was just enough time for the United States army to show up. Because Canada - Is there a Canadian army? Does Canadia even need defense? I thought the whole world loved the place, or just didn't care enough not to love them, or something. Fill me in, guys. I dunno. So that US military. You'd think, "oh boy, we're saved, the military is here to fight the aliens" but this isn't ******** Halo, goddamn. Every alien has like 8 more tentacles than the average soldier (last I checked the grand tentacle total of the US army was like 3.5, so there was a definite disadvantage). The army basically got owned by those aliens. It was gross, man, you don't even want to know. But somehow, in like the five hours this story has taken, that drunk b*****d still had gas. And somehow, in his drunken swerves, he managed to board that alien spaceship.

Now, those octopus aliens may have 8 tentacles. Which is twice as many limbs as a human. But they don't have the same brains as a human. Actually, we live in America, so they're probably smarter than like half the population. But the idiots didn't leave anyone on to guard their ship, and they left the keys in the ignition. Yeah, aliens use keys! I was surprised too. Apparently the ships drive like a brand new Chevy. Just as our heroes boarded the thing, the motorcycle ran out of gas, saving the two from a fiery death full of fire and death. So you know what the first thing the dude guy man bro says is?

"b***h YEAH! We got a goddamn spaceship. Yeah."

So the guy and his ladyfriend fly away into the stars. The moral of this story? Who cares if the world is ******** if you can get a spaceship out of it.