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 Posted: Thu Oct 12, 2006 1:08 am
Don't go.
Don't go.
Yamagawa closed his eyes and drew in a shaky breath --somehowcleannicefresh-- against Kiba's applegreensoft hair, feeling the air echo inside the emptycolddarkness with those two words, so sososo very similar so very same so.. so..
"Kiba--" His voice wasn't coming out properly; it was cracking and hoarse and unsure and scared and.... and Yamagawa didn't want to go, didn't want Kiba-san to go, didn't want to leave the warmthhotsparklesgoldenwarmdarkness, didn't want to leave this, leave everything, didn't want to become nothing again. Because.. because being nothing was feeling nothing and feeling nothing meant that you're as good as dead, which.. which Yamagawa didn't want to be. Nobodies became dead, not somebodies. When somebody died then.. then it was something else, because.. because No-one didn't have Someone's something, and.. and Yamagawa wasn't sure if he had one or not but Kiba-san made him feel like he had that sort of something inside, and so..
"No," The redhead half-whimpered out, eyes screwed shut tightly and hands finding the material of Kiba's blindingblindingsososoverywhitepaledeath gown and gripping onto it. He didn't want this to end. He didn't want to go back to feeling just nothing and he was sick of just feeling glimmers of something and not actually getting one and.. and even though he tried, he tried to get that something withfromtakeit from so many people --itwassocold-- Kiba-san was different. Kiba-san was.. His warmth stayed, stayed inside Yamagawa and gave out softweakwarm glowing sensation, whereas others.. those sparks died, drowned, drained out by the coldcoldharshdarkness inside him because it didn't want Yamagawa to have those sparks, because Yamagawa was its and it didn't want anybody else and nothingnoone should ever come inside Yamagawa because..
A half-whimper fell from the redhead's lips, and he pulledpressed against the other closer, his nails almostalmost digging into through the material of the gown, but instead leaving little indentations and white knuckles bloodlesspalesmooth. Kiba-san, Kiba, couldn't leave. Yamagawa won't let him leave. He couldn't, because.. because he couldn't. Yamagawa was actually feeling for the first time --was this what feeling was like, these goldenwarmtinglysmall sparkles?-- and.. and Yamagawa wantedneeded this to go on, because now he was finally someone and he never wanted the othervoice to come back, never wanted the cold gripping darkness again, never wanted to go back to being nothing seeing nothing feeling nothing and.. and... "---don't go.."
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Posted: Thu Oct 12, 2006 5:25 am
Kiba almost visibly recoiled at the denial, actually almost physically flinched at the word, but forced himself not to move as something inside him fell apart. Moving away would only make everything hurt all the more, and if he was going to crumble away to dust he wasn't going to let it hurt while it happened. Because Yamagawa didn't wanthimneedhimcareabouthim, not like Kiba needed Yamagawa, and that was baaad because right now Yamagawa was the only thing keeping him alive but he couldn't help what other people thought, he knew that, so he'd just...he'd...just...
"--don't go..."
His words, echoed back in a voice that wasn't his own. Immediately, that whatever-it-was inside Kiba stopped falling apart, hovering delicately on the brink of collapse, but staying upright just enough. He knew that the wrong word, the wrong touch, the wrong anything and he'd go back to collapsing, but...for now, whatever-it-was was stayig upright --tremulously, but upright-- and Kiba really didn't want it to fall, because...it was something, and he didn't exactly hate it.
The snake carefully, carefullycarefullycarefully nodded, afraid that even that slight mvement would send him shattering again. "I..." The words got stuck on his tngue, and he could feel the emptiness tearing behind his eyes, trying to knock down that careful little whatever-it-was, trying to smother those embers, he he didn't want that because he didn't want to be nothing anymore, he wanted to be something, and if the emptiness came back he'd never find his way out again, not even if Yamagawa tried to pull him out, because if the emptiness came back, it wouldn't ever let him go, never ever again. It wouldn't let him go so easily a second time, so Kiba had to keep it away now...so he had to make sure that his ears weren't lying, that Yamagawa had really said that...
"I...I won't go..." He had to say this, before the darkness stole his voice and left him with no way to tell... "if you...won't go..." Because he had to let Yamagawa know, had to make sure Yamagawa knew. Even if it wasn't real, Kiba was sososo very willing to stay if Yamagawa stayed and so what if it didn't matter, if it wasn't real for Yamagawa? At least...at least they wouldn't be alone, because Kiba didn't know if he could take another step alone for a long, long time, so he needed Yamagawa here, because Yamagawa made him not alone. No one else, because no one else was there, but Yamagawa. Only Yamagawa...
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Posted: Thu Oct 12, 2006 11:13 am
Kiba-san... He... Yamagawa's breath hitched slightly and his grip tightened on the material of the pale sterile-white gown, a part --sososoverysmall-- of his mind sending out brief spark of pain as the cuts on his hand tore just that slightest bit more. He was dirtying Kiba-san's gown; he had to... Yamagawa had to... He had to say something, because Kiba-san had said something, so carefully, so.. so..
He told him to not go.
"G-good." It seemed like that thing pressing down tightly on Yamagawa's chest, inside Yamagawa, was preventing him from speaking more than a syllable, a whisper, at a time. He couldn't breathe, dared not breathe, because he had to keep himself from falling back down because they had stopped and stopping meant that the balance was gone and.. and Yamagawa hadto hold on and hold onto Kiba-san because if he had nothing to grip, nothing against him, nothing to feel, then.. then he'll just topple over like a top that's stopped moving and.. and nobody would care because he was a noone and nothing and dead and..
Yamagawa's head jerked slightly in some sort of a nod, face pressing against the crook of Kiba-san's neck and shoulder, soft breath stirring the green locks of hair with every shallow puff of air the redhead managed --sosososohard-- to bring into his lungs. That.. that was a nod, right? Kiba-san did say he wasn't going to leave, right? He wasn't going to leave. He wasn't going to leave Yamagawa to fall back into the darkdarkcoldgrippingemptiness, he wasn't going to keep Yamagawa from feeling, he wasn't going to let the other himself come out, he... he was staying. "I--" A soft sort of half-sob escaped his throat, shoulders shaking slightly as Yamagawa pulled them together closer, wantingneedingcraving the warmth and the sparks and.. and anything, anything to drive off the darkcoldness away and he needed Kiba-san.. "--I'm not going.."
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Posted: Fri Oct 13, 2006 11:15 am
Kiba couldn't help but feel relief at those words, a relief that shot through his body, relaxing muscles he hadn't even realized he'd been tensing. Even...even if Yamagawa left later, he was staying now, and now was all that mattered. Before, after, who cared? If now was taken care of, the before and after didn't matter. And if Yamagawa was staying now --he wasn't lying, Kiba hadn't ever seen Yamagawa lie, not ever-- then Kiba didn't have to break anymore, could maybe try to stop the emptiness from eating away at his insides. Because...if Yamagawa was staying now...then he wasn't so very terribly...alone anymore...
He let his eyes slip open partly, staring at the wall but not really seeing it as his hand carefully slid through Yamagawa's hair. It didn't matter that he knew this would end, didn't matter that he'd be alone again, sooner probably than later. Those things were unimportant. Right now, he had the knowlegde that Yamagawa wasn't leaving, and he wasn't going to be alone, so it was okay, because knowing that made everything else unimportant and inconsequential. Because it didn't matter.
Not really thinking about it, Kiba trailed his --cutbleedingshouldcleanitup-- hand down Yamagawa's spine, following every bump with his fingertips. "I can't give you everything," he whispered, surprised at how easily his words came out --it had been so hard before-- but not dwelling on it. "But I'll stay." He'd give absolutely everything he could, and he'd stay, and if that wasn't enough, then it wouldn't matter, because Yamagawa would go and leave Kiba to the emptycolddarkness again. But...if it was enough...then it'd be okay. And it still wouldn't matter. Because...nw mattered...
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Posted: Fri Oct 13, 2006 11:44 am
Yamagawa felt a strange --strange, because he had never felt this kind before-- shiver go through him at the touch on his hair, Kiba's palepalesoftpretty fingers sliding through the messy red locks and.. and it was much too much like 'him', too much like.. like.. like what he was before, as in before before, when.. when he could still.. when he could still, somehow, feel.
It seemed a long time ago. So long. He couldn't even remember what he looked like, what 'he' looked like, what they'd been wearing, where they were. Just.. just this kind of warmthshivery feeling, and.. and something else. He had something before.
His shoulders curved as he pulled the other male --gentlygentlyscaredfrightenedwhy-- closer, green eyes still closed tightly; it hurt, somehow. It hurt somewhere deep inside because.. because now he knew that.. whatever he was before that Kiba-san was making him feel like now, he wasn't. He'd.. No matter how he tried, he wouldn't get away from the probing darkness, the coldcoldcold laughingjeeringcold voice, his other self. He wouldn't ever become a someone. Never ever.
"D-Don't leave.." His lips brushed against the dark bruises slightly as he spoke, and Yamagawa drew back a little; it.. he.. he had hurt Kiba-san. Hurt Kiba-san. When.. when Kiba-san was right now the only thing keeping the other Yamagawa from coming out, because.. because he could feel it, feel himself, and he..it was angry, and.. and it was sosososovery hard to keep it inside, and.. and Kiba-san shouldn't ever get hurt because it was Kiba-san and Yamagawa --the realYamagawa-- needed him to need him to stay. Because if Kiba-san didn't need him to stay, then.. then there would be no point in Yamagawa staying anywhere, since he would lose all the warmth that he had felt ever and he would go back to being a noone and he didn't want to be a noone. "Don't..."
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Posted: Fri Oct 13, 2006 12:35 pm
The snake let himself be drawn closer, not minding, and actually wanting to be closer. He had to bite his lip to keep back a whimpermoanthing as Yamagawa's lips passed over the marks on his neck, nearly peircing through his lip with his teeth in the process. He didn't know why, but the simple little action sent a sort of tinglyburning down his spine, and it was an almost heady feeling. Odd, because it had hurt when Yamagawa had bit him, but now it wasn't so muhc hurting as it was...almost pleasurable. Or maybe it was hurting and Kiba was just being masochistic and liking it because it meant that Yamagawa was still so veryveryvery much here and not somewhere farfarfaruntouchable away.
"I won't," Kiba murmured, curling a lock of hair around his finger before releasing it. Strange, how he seemed to be getting calmer and calmer and calmer --after all, it wouldn't matter later, so why worry?-- while Yamagawa appeared to be getting more nervous. It didn't make sense, did it? Kiba sure didn't understand. Shouldn't it have been the other way around? Kiba getting more nervous and Yamagawa getting calmer?
Eh, whatever. Now was all that mattered, and now, Yamagawa was still here. "I'm not going anywhere." Because going away would mean he'd be going back to emptiness, loneliness, nothingness. At least now, like this, he could pretend he had something inside of himself, that he meant something to someone. He could at least fake the idea that someone would be sad if he just vanished off the face of the earth. He didn't, honestly, understand why Yamagawa was so desperatefrightenedcloseneedingwanting, but Kiba didn't want to ask, because he was feeling the exact same right this moment, even if he wasn't showing it as much anymore.
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Posted: Fri Oct 13, 2006 12:59 pm
He wasn't.. Kiba-san wasn't going anywhere. He would stay, right? He would.. he wouldn't leave Yamagawa, right? He wouldn't lie, right? Kiba-san wasn't like 'him', he wouldn't.. he wouldn't lie and then leave Yamagawa, because it was Kiba-san and if that happened again then.. then he didn't know what he'll do, what the otherhim would do, and he didn't want to think about it because it was so sosososohard to keep ithimthemit down and not coming back out..
Because.. Because Kiba was just too much like 'him' right now, too much.. too much softness, too much of.. too much of fluttery feeling and making Yamagawa too nervous and too fluttery and just too.. too much of strangeness that Yamagawa had never ever known. He never.. he had never thought that he could feel, because everything hurt, and everything was nothing and he was nothing and now Kiba-san was making him feel not like nothing and it was just too much like 'him'..
"I'm sorry.." The redhead whispered, voice almost almost lost in the quietness but.. but Yamagawa hoped Kiba-san heard it, because.. because he was. Almost as an impulse, his tongue darted out to lick softly, just once, cautiousscarednervous sort of tremble going through him, at one of the bruises. He had done this. And it hurt... Yamagawa didn't want to be hurt, but this was.. this was not Yamagawa hurting. It was just.. feeling hurt about hurting Kiba-san. He hadn't ever felt that before, not ever, not even when.. when so many of the experiments got hurtbleedingcryinghurt. It.. It wasn't like this. It was never like this. Why?
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Posted: Fri Oct 13, 2006 1:47 pm
Sorry...? "For wha--ah!" The question died in his mouth as Yamagawa licked at one of the marks, sending more of the tinglyburningness exploding down his nervous system. Seriously, he didn't know why such simple touches were feeling so good, because didn't bruises normally hurt when someone touched them? But...but these were feeling not hurting, and it was...it was...reallyreallyreally good and he wasn't sure if he wanted it to stop because...because it felt good...
He...he didn't know what to do anymore. It...it wasn't about needcomfortwant anymore, and it didn't seem to be about not leaving either. B-because...because licking...wasn't exactly any of that...it was...was somthing different. Kisingtouchingholding, that was needwantlustlonging, but licking was somehow...something so very different that it didn't fall into the same category and Kiba didn't know what to do anymore. Licking fell in the category of Yamagawa's hand on his hip in terms of uncomfortableness, but the lick had a sense of happypleasureniceness that the other hadn't had. And...did he want it to stop...? He didn't...know...but...
But it felt good, even though it felt uncomfortable, so...he didn't know... Blinking himself out of the fuzzy stupor he had fallen into, he forced himself back to what he had been saying before. "Sorry for what?" Because...if he focused on that, then he wouldn't need to worry about the wantingneedinghappynervoustwinge in his gut, the idea that maybe he wanted Yamagawa to do it again, but maybe he didn't, and he didn't know. So...so he...they needed...to...to...
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Posted: Fri Oct 13, 2006 2:08 pm
For what?
Yamagawa's grip on the other male's gown --palepaleblindinglywhitehurts-- loosened slightly, his heartbeat seemingly lifting and racing faster --but why?-- as the redhead looked up, green eyes opening a little to stare nervouslyuncertainlysosososoveryscared at Kiba. It... He.. Yamagawa felt so tired; sososotired and it hurt and it was so strange, everything was so strange and the redhead wasn't sure if it was veering to good kind of strangeness --say, presents, for example-- or bad kind of strangeness, which was bad because.. because bad kind of strangeness meant it hurt and Yamagawa didn't like didn't ever want hurt. Why was he sorry? Kiba-san was asking why?
"For.." His gaze dropped again, flickering slightly with all these unknown strange new scary sort of feelings that made Yamagawa somehow nervous. And being nervous wasn't good; nor was shaking, like what his hands were doing right now. What he was doing. "For doing... this.." His gaze flickered over to the darkdarkbloody bruises, something leaping painfully from his chest into his throat at the sight. He had done this. Actually, physically done this. He...
He hadn't ever hurt anyone before. Not like this. Not like this. He hadn't ever hit anyone else, either. He hadn't.. he.. But it wasn't him, right? It was the other thing, the voice, the laughingsneeringcoldlaughingcold voice. It couldn't have been him. It couldn't.. His shallow puffs of breath washed over the skin, fluttering the green locks of hair a little as Yamagawa leant down slightly to place another lightsoftsoftgentleflutteryscared sort of half-lick, half-kiss on the bruises. "I'm sorry.."
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Posted: Fri Oct 13, 2006 3:00 pm
"I..." Yamagawa did it again, sent the rockets shooting through his blood...Kiba seriously didn't know if he should tell Yamagawa to stop or just let the redhead keep doing it because it felt good. But it was such an uncomfortable good that it was twisting things up and he didn't know, and unsurity was sososo not good because anything could happen with unsurity, and anything tended to be bad to, and bad just hurt. But...but this wasn't feeling bad, just...uncomfortably good...so...so he didn't know if...it should stop or not...
His hands tightened slightly, one curling into Yamagawa's shirt, the other tugging slightly at the red strands in his grip, waiting for his blood to settle again. Why was it such a strong reaction? Why only when Yamagawa touchedlicked the bruises? It...it didn't make sense...he didn't know if he liked the way he reacted, and he didn't know if he should like it, because it had hurt getting the marks, had hurt sososoveryburningmuch, because it felt like he had been branded or something, claimed by the otherYamagawa and it had hurt but now it didn't, not really, because it wasn't the other Yamagawa, it was the normal Yamagawa, and...and he...didn't know...
Forcing his hands to relax, Kiba closed his eyes, trying not to start shaking or anything. Because Yamagawa was getting nervousshaking and...and that made Kiba nervous because now he was suddenly worried that he'd done something wrong but he didn't know what... "It's not...a problem. It doesn't hurt anymore..." It didn't, it was...it was uncertainly nice...and...he maybekindofreally liked it...enough that he was leaning more towards not asking Yamagawa to stop the sparkyrockets, even if it was...even if it had hurt, because it really didn't anymore...
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Posted: Fri Oct 13, 2006 3:27 pm
Yamagawa felt it. He felt the hands tighten on his shirt, his hair, and it sent another one of those strangstrange weird stinging sort of pang go through his chestmindsoul and.. and even though the redhead didn't quite know what or why it did that, it did and.. and he wasn't sure if he liked it --maybemaybe just a tinylittletinyalotmuch-- and if he did.. then it was somehow even more unnerving because Yamagawa wasn't sure if he liked liking it because Yamagawa had never liked pain before.. but.. but this wasn't quite pain even though it felt like it..
The redhead gave a slow, shaky exhale of breath and moved back slightly, away from.. from the bruises that.. that he had hurt Kiba-san with, from the heady sort of freshcoolgreeny Kiba-san smell, from.. from that weird strange sort of warm coiling feeling inside him, inside his gut that felt vaguely scary but.. but something that could only be described as fluttery and.. and happy. Because.. Because Kiba-san didn't like it, and.. and Yamagawa didn'twouldn'tcouldn't do anything if Kiba-san didn't like it because then Kiba-san would leave and.. and Yamagawa didn't ever ever want that ever.
"I'm sorry.." Sorry for doing that. Sorry for hurting. Sorry for making you nervous. Sorry for hurtingbreakingkilling.. Sorry. And.. and whatever it was that he just did, it didn't.. it wasn't.. it wasn't what Kiba-san wanted --whatdoeshewant?-- so.. so Yamagawa shouldn't do it, should stop. Green eyes slid close again, forehead brushing against the green locks of hair as he struggled to calm his breathing. Sorry...
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Posted: Fri Oct 13, 2006 3:55 pm
No. Nonononononono.
Kiba had done something wrong, something bad, and he didn't know what it was, but he had, because Yamagawa was going away again and it was his fault because he'd done something wrong. He didn't know what, but he had done it, and now if he didn't fix it Yamagawa would leave and go farfarfarawayforevernevercomeback and that'd be sososoveryveryvery bad and it would hurthurthurthurthurt because he was leaving. Even though he said he wouldn't he was leaving, and he kept apologizing which was leaving even more, but he couldn't because he'd said he wouldn't! He said!
The panic flared up, rising into his throat and trying to crawl its way out of his mouth and eyes and nose and everything. But he couldn't let it, because if he panicked the Yamagawa would leave and it'd be bad so he ahd to do something else, something else panicky but not panicking so that Yamagawa wouldn't leave. He...he had to, because Kiba wouldn't survive if Yamagawa left, he'd just wither away and fall apart and die s...so Yamagawa had to stop leaving. And..and Kiba would stop doing what he'd done --whateveritwas-- so that Yamagawa would stop pulling away, so he had to...to...
Kiss him.
It wasn't very elegant. Kiba accidentally kindofsortofprettymuch crashed their lips together, and there was some definate teeth hitting together, and it mighthavemaybeprobably hurt some, because it was rushedchoppyunelegant, but...but...he had to keep Yamagawa here...and...and he...he just had to...
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Posted: Fri Oct 13, 2006 6:08 pm
It.. he...
It was too fast; everything was too fast, too hot, too.. too new too scaryhurtnothurtnicestrangeweirdunnervingjust too sudden and Yamagawa could only gape for a moment in something that could only be called surprised, his death-grip slackening momentarily on Kiba-san's gownshoulderback and.. and.. --it was almost like watching puzzle pieces-- Kiba-san was kissing him.
This wasn't.. this wasn't quite like before, mostly because.. because there was something else, some sort of.. panickyflutteryflightyscary sort of feel in the way that their lips met, in the way Kiba-san felt, in the way the palethincoldwarmpale fingers felt, and.. and.. and Yamagawa wasn't sure what was different but it was a-and.. and it was getting harder and harder to think because there was that warmth again the sparklesglittergolden feeling again and it was coiling inside deepdeepdeep inside him and even though he wasn't quite sure about whether this was feeling good or bad, this strange weird hurtgoodbadfeeling-ness, Yamagawa likedneededwanted it..
He.. He... Yamagawa didn't understand it though. He had hurt Kiba-san, hurt him really really sososososoverymuch bad and.. and he killedbrokeshatteredkilled Kiba-san and.. and Yamagawa couldn't.. didn't.. shouldn't.. he shouldn't be here, with Kiba-san, because he had killed Kiba-san and since Kiba-san was a somebody that made Yamagawa feel where nobody else could, Yamagawa couldn'tshouldn'tnever kill Kiba-san or hurt Kiba-san --youcan'teverkillasomebody-- but.. but Yamagawa did..
"Sorry.." Half-whispered murmur slid from between his lips as the redhead leant forward himself, one of his hands finding Kiba-san's lightishdarkish green locks again, nails scraping lightlyslightly on the scalp. He was. And.. and he should go, before the voice, the otherself came out --it was sososososohardsohard-- because.. he didn't want to hurt Kiba-san kill Kiba-san break Kiba-san ever again, and.. and it would be okay if the voice came back afterwards, because then he'd never ever be able to hurt Kiba-san and that would be a good thing..
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Posted: Fri Oct 13, 2006 9:10 pm
Don't go...
He didn't know if he whispered it or if he just thought it, but...but Kiba needed Yamagawa right now, more than he'd evereverever needed someone else in his whole life, and he needed Yamagawa to stay. He...he would do absolutely anything --except for one-- if Yamagawa would just stay here and never ever ever go away, not leave, so what did he have to do to keep Yamagawa?
A whimpered half-apology slid from his tongue, swallowed by the other. Apologizing for whatever he had done to make Yamagawa pull away, because if he never ever did it again, then Yamagawa wouldn't ever go away and he wouldn't leave Kiba alone. Kiba...couldn't take it if he were alone. Because being alone meant that the burninggapingtearingcrushing emptiness would try and swallow him again, and Kiba wasn't so sure he would be able to get away from the empty darkness if that happened again.
Don't go, don't go... His hands tightened reflexively, murmuring the words into the clumsy kiss. If he could hold on, if he could keep gripping Yamagawa and never let him go, then Yamagawa couldn't ever leave, wouldn't be able to leave because no one could leave if someone was holding on to them, it wasn't possible. Because...because Yamagawa was a person, and Yamagawa couldn't go away because people couldn't go away when they were being held. And...and even though Yamagawa could do that ghosty-ghost thing, even though Yamagawa could go through him if he wanted to, Kiba wouldn't let go, not even if Yamagawa tried to go through him, not even if the otherYamagawa came out, because he needed Yamagawa, needed Yamagawa here. Even if the other Yamagawa hurt him again...he wouldn't let go. Not if it meant he would fall into that empty darkness and die.
Even being hurt was preferable to that.
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Posted: Fri Oct 13, 2006 11:27 pm
Yamagawa should... he should.. he should really go.
Go out of Kiba-san's life, out of everyone's life, out of everything and anything and.. and just disappear because.. because Yamagawa was a nothing and a noone with nothing biggiganticgapingemptiness inside him that nobody would ever like, ever need because that was him, the empty darkness coiling outside spreading. It was part of himself, part so deeply embeddeddugdeepdeepdeep inside himself that he could never ever be able to get rid of it, like.. like a brand, or a stain, a marring existence of a darkdarkblackinky dirtiness that.. Yamagawa was just that. Nothing else. He never had anything else in his life besidesoutsideapartfrom here, here, in the cold damp darkness, the corridors, the worn floor, cold walls, his room, the labs, the bed.. Yamagawa had nothing, nothing at all to give. Nothing to give to Kiba-san.
He.. But he didn't want to leave. As much as Yamagawa was scared, scared of the other him, the other voice, the laughing and the mocking and the.. and the whisperingnaggingcrying that wouldn't ever never ever leave him alone, Yamagawa.. he needed to hold onto Kiba-san. He needed Kiba-san's kissestouchesfeeling because.. because those goldenbright sparkles kind of.. they kind of got rid of the colddarkness somewhat and they kind of got rid of the laughingempty voices and.. and Yamagawa wanted them to disappear. He needed them to disappear because they were slowly but surely gnawingeatingscrapingaway at his mindbodysoul and he couldn't let them do that ever because that meant Yamagawa would be more of a nothing and.. and if he let them eat away at himself, then he will really really be nothing. Even though it was sosososovery selfish, even though it might hurt Kiba-san --but then Yamagawa couldn't live with himself anymore if he killedbroke Kiba-san again-- even though.. even though Yamagawa didn't want to hurt the other anymore, he needed this.
The redhead pulled back slightly to gasp for air, cheeks flushed slightly red and eyes half-closed as he searched out for Kiba's golden ones, their bodies still pressed together tightlydesperately because he was so scared that he will disappear, Kiba-san will disappear, that none of this would be real and it would just be him and the voices and this would just all be his dream or delusional thoughts and the voices.. "--I won't leave." Yamagawa had to say it again, more to reassure himself than the other, to stop his fingersshouldersbody from trembling, to stop his heart from beating so loud, to.. to stop Kiba-san from leaving him leaving alone sosososoalone..
A shaky nervous sort of kiss --more like a soft pressing of lips-- on the side of the other's lips followed, with another whispered words. "..Until you want me to." Because that was, partially, true. Yamagawa wouldn't ever leave, ever ever never, because he needed the warmth, Kiba-san needed the warmth, and.. and Kiba-san wouldn't want him anymore if the other self came out.. and.. and if he hurt Kiba-san again, then.. then Kiba-san wouldn't want him anymore, and.. and Yamagawa wouldn't be able to stand living with himself anymore.. so.. so it was true. He wouldn't mind disappearing then. But right now, right now.. he needed Kiba-san, needed the touches, the kisses, the warmth, the sparks, and.. and he needed the voices to go away..
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