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 Posted: Wed Oct 04, 2006 12:52 pm
Shiaree Official Critique RequestGaia Username: Shiaree Character Name: Aislinn Derry Serum Animal(s): Tauric Equine (Centaur) Quest Thread: Here((My apologies for the previous incursion. I had never seen it open, but I did see it updated, so I assumed it was unofficially open. Now I know....and knowing is half the battle.<3))
There are a lot of people going with the injury approach to islanders, but I do like Aislinn's animal-associated injury (from a love of horses, to an anxiety/fear of them, and then the labs integrating it into her serum to heal her.) Most of the time the labs wouldn't be privvy to specific animal connections (love of them, etc) - but in the case of a medical accident, it makes sense that they would, and the touch of irony here would be appropriate.
I will say that between helping her mother at the zoo and the vet clinic that even if she likes furry animals more so than otherwise, she really can't be squeemish around other sorts( scaly, slimy, insects, etc) - working at even a pet store desensitizes you to working with a lot of animals, and the nastier work. Especially working without an advanced degree (I'm assuming she has her bacchelor's?) she'd probably be doing a lot of the grunt work (and at the zoo before the clinic, the same thing).
I can see the justification with different 'styles' of equines on the island from a scientific vantage. Though I doubt that Moreau would really care whether or not she were able to continue her veterinary practices ^_~
Keep in mind that you won't be able to dictate to the shop artists the intracacies of the change - I understand having it there for fanart purposes in the meantime, or for OOC RP puproses, etc. though.
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Posted: Wed Oct 04, 2006 1:03 pm
Harold sounds like a very believable, down to earth kinda guy. Used to monotony, and having a set schedule and way of doing things. I like the fact that he's one of the individuals embedded in their routine and while he may not be enthusiastic about it, he doesn't really have enough momentum to actually change that.
My only nitpick is the significance placed on the Chupacabra from Harold's past seeming quite coincidential with the serum, as the labs would have no idea. I would suggest instead making it more generalized and saying that they'd watch horror or monster movies, and that he would be familiar with the legend.
My only other question/'missing piece" is how the labs would have found out about Harold to send him the letter? Did he do any charity work with one of their funded charities? Was he a recipient? Had he ever done a medical study with Feral Labs before? Effectively, something to get his medical/personnel information into their system. he's definately disappearable enough without any ties - it's just a matter of them knowing about him.
So, other than those small things, I see absolutely no problem with the character smile
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Posted: Wed Oct 04, 2006 1:14 pm
Teh_Sil Official Critique Request Gaia Username: Teh_Sil Character Name: Elizabeth Ivy Serum Animal(s): Japanese Marten Quest Thread:http://www.gaiaonline.com/guilds/viewtopic.php?t=5006445
While playing an intelligent teenage female is a common base character concept, I like the fact that you are playing up her downsides in her personality - taking the good with the bad (She can be a drama queen and fly off the handle at relatively minor offenses, etc).
Really, my only concern is the entrance to the island. The big problem with playing a high school character is that they are by definition hard to disappear. If she disappears from a Feral Labs endorsed clinic, that can spell serious trouble for the labs and a direct connection. Even if they say that she succeeded at a suicide attempt could land them with a massive lawsuit and, almost more importantly, unwanted attention.
As far as suggestions... accidents to the parents is overplayed. One option would be instead of threatening suicide, she decides to dramatically run away (more of a plead for attention than actually intending on staying gone). if she goes to a feral-labs sponsored shelter after being unable to deal with sleeping on the streets .... bada bing... bada boom.
You don't really need any justification for a standard animal serum - in fact, in most cases serums are chosen for new arrivals on spur of the moment based on what's available at the moment in the cabinets. In fact, sometimes it's better if there isn't some grandoise explanation behind it.
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Posted: Wed Oct 04, 2006 1:28 pm
]Evan[ Official Critique RequestGaia Username: ]Evan[ Character Name: Alys Wilson. Serum Animal(s): Serum 55 - Vampire Squid. Quest Thread: http://www.gaiaonline.com/guilds/viewtopic.php?t=3646227Bwah hah hah! I have returned! >D;; Hopefully, with an improved concept, too. :3 <_< >_> Morbidish is fun.
As requested in the thread, critting the cerberus instead of the squid.
First off, I would say that you need to make her older. If she's actually got her PhD or MD ("Doctor" in her name), then 26 is still quite on the young side - especially if she didn't stick to one university and had army time.
I find it interesting that she's helped develop the serum (Presumably with Dr. Duvert) and actually wants to become a test subject due to her enthusiasm to the project. Moreau DOES specifcally scout out scientists wtih a heavy hand of moral ambiguity and will take those leaning towards the crazy more than other facilites would. I would reccomend, if you haven't, at least showing the concept to Emerwyn to get her feelings on the matter.
Despite this, Another concern I have is that I am getting a lot of Ginerva vibes (Emerwyn's staff character). I may be reading too far into that, however, with a sociopathic female doctor with an eye for the stranger projects...
Obviously, there are complications with the character concept having to be the FIRST to test the multi-headed serum. While there is no one else yet, that's not to say that someone else can't snag the opportunity first. The only other quester I am aware of offhand also going for that serum is Raurhund with his hydra, but he is also pretty dedicated.
my only other question would be did she get permission to use the serum, or did she just go ahead and inject herself?
I would also reccomend thinking about temperment and rottweilers. Most of the aggressive stereotypes comes from the fact that many dogs are trained to be that way. While there could be the excuse of malfunction in the serums given the experimental nature, if you have one head being more animalistic, then most domesticated dogs would not exhibit such vague aggression.
Over all, neat concept, and I am fond of a cerberus islander concept.
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Posted: Wed Oct 04, 2006 1:30 pm
Pardon our delay... but, well, by this point Richard has already had his advanced critique prior to his establishment on the island :3.
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Posted: Wed Oct 04, 2006 1:34 pm
PykeDarkewoulfe Island of Moreau PykeDarkewoulfe After reading your valid points and taking them into consideration, I have compiled a response that will hopefully meet the seal of approval standards. Jordan was not intended to be passed off as a Herculean Adonis, even if my choice of wording had given that impression. I admit I was being verbose in my vocabulary while it had been written. As for the ice blue eyes, that was just an unconscious afterthought from my original husky concept, which had been changed to samoyed once I’d learned there was already a husky questor. His eyes can be changed to brown, if that works to create a more realistic character. Brown-eyed, brown-haired would be more appealing in my opinion and more realistic. As for his maintenance of body and muscle tone, that was something that I admittedly did not detail in the quest thread. It was my thought that the psychological impact of being active in sports left him with a compulsion to continually upkeep his body, if not improve on it, finding it inferior if he were to let it slide into. The bishie comment is amusing but no, there was no intent to create a bishie character. If that occurred, it was purely coincidental. In regards to his backstory, his father was an abusive jerk, to him and to his mother. Angry, violent, ill-tempered, bitter that his fifteen minutes in the sun are over. His glory days had long ended and now he had the chance to relive those days through his only child. Considering his father is trying to relive his own high school football days through his son, it would make more sense for him to feel pride and treat him like one of the guys after that. I concede to that valid point most definitely. His mother works two jobs, making her unavailable for the majority of his life, even though she would rather see her only child grow up. That’s just not a possibility for her since her husband can’t hold down a job long enough to contribute to the household. Yes, she resents what Jordan’s father represents and she does not know about the physical and psychological abuse her son has been put through. She stays with Jordan’s father till her son has graduated from high school, unaware of the deeper secrets kept from her. Jordan’s father does threaten him to keep the abuse quiet from his mother, threatening him with further physical beating. I do apologize if it made the overall concept less believable. As for why he would want to work with Feral? That’s simple: new experience, further pursuit of academic knowledge in his field, and the hope for better pay, despite his convictions. The world doesn’t accept good intentions when it comes time to pay the rent and buy groceries. Now, as Jordan is naïve and does hold a world view differently than reality, he could very well be shocked or even mortified by the realizations of Feral’s practices, but he’d be too intimidated to turn down what he had believed a better opportunity. Bruno Moretti –as briefly mentioned- is the alias that Tzell’s character, Adam Keller, had assumed when he entered America and worked in Feral. Jordan would have no clue that Bruno was a false identity and would not recognize the name Adam Keller. Being it was Adam Keller’s first expedition to America, he needed someone he believed was knowledgable enough to aid him and not knowing otherwise there were more qualified people to use, Adam Keller –under the guise of Bruno Moretti- conned Jordan into aiding him and it snowballs from there. I do hope this has been informative and helpful. It was actually rather fun to write this response and fill in the gaps that I had overlooked. I thank you very much for pointing those errors out to me so they could (hopefully) be rectified.
But yes, as long as he does upkeep his muscle-tone, then it makes sense to have it, but not if he's inactive.
I'm glad that the crits helped you address and detail points about his background. So yes, as long as you do make the amendments that you mentioned regarding his father's attention and affections.
My only reccomendation from there is that if you do want him taking the Feral Labs job to be moving "onward and upwards" Than perhaps have him start off with a job not quite as prestigious as Busch Gardens, seeing as how that is a premier wildlife facility, and rather difficult to get into. Maybe working for a smaller or local zoo doing menial work? Regardless, he'd still likely be doing some rather routine things at a feral labs research facility.
But yup, other than that, the caracter sounds fine and seal-worthy.When I made the admendments to the quest thread a few days ago, I meant to change Busch Gardens to a smaller local Tampa zoo, Lowry Park. I'll get on that now and change it. ^____^ And again, yes, the crits were very instrumental in flushing out specific details and especially when it came to discovering Jordan's personal horror regarding Feral, regardng the island itself. Thank you so much!
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Posted: Wed Oct 04, 2006 4:16 pm
Island of Moreau Teh_Sil Official Critique Request Gaia Username: Teh_Sil Character Name: Elizabeth Ivy Serum Animal(s): Japanese Marten Quest Thread:http://www.gaiaonline.com/guilds/viewtopic.php?t=5006445
While playing an intelligent teenage female is a common base character concept, I like the fact that you are playing up her downsides in her personality - taking the good with the bad (She can be a drama queen and fly off the handle at relatively minor offenses, etc).
Really, my only concern is the entrance to the island. The big problem with playing a high school character is that they are by definition hard to disappear. If she disappears from a Feral Labs endorsed clinic, that can spell serious trouble for the labs and a direct connection. Even if they say that she succeeded at a suicide attempt could land them with a massive lawsuit and, almost more importantly, unwanted attention.
As far as suggestions... accidents to the parents is overplayed. One option would be instead of threatening suicide, she decides to dramatically run away (more of a plead for attention than actually intending on staying gone). if she goes to a feral-labs sponsored shelter after being unable to deal with sleeping on the streets .... bada bing... bada boom.
You don't really need any justification for a standard animal serum - in fact, in most cases serums are chosen for new arrivals on spur of the moment based on what's available at the moment in the cabinets. In fact, sometimes it's better if there isn't some grandoise explanation behind it.I actually just sort of worked on my entry contest form, hence keeping the reasoning for the animal choice up there. XD But I can take it away if it would aid my quest. Also, I've been thinking a lot about the high school thing, and your story does sound much better. I think I'll go with that concept. ^^ *scurries off to edit*
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Posted: Wed Oct 04, 2006 11:38 pm
First off, Thank you for critting the Cerberus concept. heart Island of Moreau First off, I would say that you need to make her older. If she's actually got her PhD or MD ("Doctor" in her name), then 26 is still quite on the young side - especially if she didn't stick to one university and had army time.
Didn't think of that one- I thought it seemed like an appropriate age, since graduation in Australian highschool's is roughly 16(give or take a year). But, I'll alter her age a bit, anyway.Island of Moreau I find it interesting that she's helped develop the serum (Presumably with Dr. Duvert) and actually wants to become a test subject due to her enthusiasm to the project. Moreau DOES specifcally scout out scientists wtih a heavy hand of moral ambiguity and will take those leaning towards the crazy more than other facilites would. I would reccomend, if you haven't, at least showing the concept to Emerwyn to get her feelings on the matter.
Despite this, Another concern I have is that I am getting a lot of Ginerva vibes (Emerwyn's staff character). I may be reading too far into that, however, with a sociopathic female doctor with an eye for the stranger projects...
Thanks for pointing this out, I would have over-looked the similarity if you hadn't. I'll be sure to get in contact with Emerwyn and get her feelings on the subject.
[Edit] I've spoken to Emerwyn, and I've decided to not only change a few things, but to turn her into a he(Which, hoenstly, was my idea to start off with). So, hopefully this issue won't pop up again, if it does, please let me know, as I tend to miss things at times. Island of Moreau Obviously, there are complications with the character concept having to be the FIRST to test the multi-headed serum. While there is no one else yet, that's not to say that someone else can't snag the opportunity first. The only other quester I am aware of offhand also going for that serum is Raurhund with his hydra, but he is also pretty dedicated.
my only other question would be did she get permission to use the serum, or did she just go ahead and inject herself?
To be honest, whether or not she's the first to try the multi-head serum isn't of much concern to me. Shura's obsession is more with Cerberus, than the multi-head serum itself. She may have helped develope the serum, which would of course make her very proud and loving of it, of course, making her want to be the first to recieve it - But her love is more in the idea of becoming a living and breathing myth... If that makes sense, at all. >.o;;
And, well, now that you brought up that question, it's gotten me thinking on whether approval or denial of her proposal would actually stop her from injecting it... I'd be more inclined to think that she would go ahead and inject herself anyway, if her proposal was denied. It seems like something she would do, despite her loyalties to Feral labs, or the higher-ups.Island of Moreau I would also reccomend thinking about temperment and rottweilers. Most of the aggressive stereotypes comes from the fact that many dogs are trained to be that way. While there could be the excuse of malfunction in the serums given the experimental nature, if you have one head being more animalistic, then most domesticated dogs would not exhibit such vague aggression.
That part is what's giving me the most trouble. At first I wanted a black American Pit Bull Terrier, because they're nortorious for fighting. But again, without having been raised that way they actually aren't aggressive.
Although, I suppose, malfunction of the serum could happen, I think the head would probably still grow with less aggressiveness.
I'll see what I can do about digging up another breed. 3nodding
And thank you for critiquing and for pointing out the odds and ends. It's much appreciated. heart
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Posted: Thu Oct 05, 2006 2:12 pm
Island of Moreau Aislinn sounds pretty well developed, with a good grouping of skills, interests, likes and dislikes that flesh out her character.
There are a lot of people going with the injury approach to islanders, but I do like Aislinn's animal-associated injury (from a love of horses, to an anxiety/fear of them, and then the labs integrating it into her serum to heal her.) Most of the time the labs wouldn't be privvy to specific animal connections (love of them, etc) - but in the case of a medical accident, it makes sense that they would, and the touch of irony here would be appropriate.
I will say that between helping her mother at the zoo and the vet clinic that even if she likes furry animals more so than otherwise, she really can't be squeemish around other sorts( scaly, slimy, insects, etc) - working at even a pet store desensitizes you to working with a lot of animals, and the nastier work. Especially working without an advanced degree (I'm assuming she has her bacchelor's?) she'd probably be doing a lot of the grunt work (and at the zoo before the clinic, the same thing).
I can see the justification with different 'styles' of equines on the island from a scientific vantage. Though I doubt that Moreau would really care whether or not she were able to continue her veterinary practices ^_~
Keep in mind that you won't be able to dictate to the shop artists the intracacies of the change - I understand having it there for fanart purposes in the meantime, or for OOC RP puproses, etc. though. Yeah. I was a bit dodgy on the injury thing, but I figured, it's not a missing limb, and it's not something, like, say, blindness or deafness. It's more an inconvenience than a truly disabling thing. And, the way in which she acquired it, as you said. She's not terribly squeamish. She just doesn't like them as much as she likes furry critters. Having been in the business myself..well, I'm still terrified of snakes, though I've handled them on multiple occasions. Just not to such a degree that I can't control myself around them. She's not even that bad. But I'll work on it a bit more, to have it make more sense. And yes, she's got her Bachelor's. I'll have to add in that she's working on her graduate school veterinary stuff when she's pulled away. And yeah, the description was for fanart purposes. I don't care about most of the details, though I'd prefer to be able to keep her half human. We'll cross that bridge, though, if we come to it. Grazie! *snags seal and gets to work on the details*
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Posted: Thu Oct 05, 2006 6:05 pm
I've edited my quest thread accordingly, to let the mule account know. *nods* Hopefully I can get a seal of approval soon. <3
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Posted: Fri Oct 06, 2006 12:14 am
Chi men Ryu Official Critique RequestGaia Username: Chi men Ryu Character Name: Jonathan Contreras Serum Animal(s): Quique, Serum 54. Quest Thread: Here is the Link.
Hunh - never heard of a Quique before smile - Looks like a neat mustelid!
I understand that English isn't your native language, and I know you're learning. Flow is more important generally than spelling. But if it's distracting it might count against you in RP contests. We know you're learning - and we definately understand. But don't hesitate to use spell checks, ask for help, etc smile
I like the concept of trying to make up for the wrongs of his father by overcompensating with charity work, but ultimately it's for appearing good to other people as opposed to doing it out of the good of his heart.
All in all, the character concept sound good, though honestly I did have a bit of trouble getting through some of the grammar. Work on polishing it a bit, but otherwise he sounds very good smile
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Posted: Fri Oct 06, 2006 12:15 am
And a general note, please reserve your own comments/notes on others' concepts to their quest threads. This thread is for official crits and responses only. We're trying to keep the clutter in the thread to a minimum.
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