The Potato: 9-13-06 The Final Issue?

[Lar Gand]

The Potato

I stand behind you and I watch you from a mile away
Wishing you could be the one but not here this way


Lar Gand, Publisher
Bernard Dillon, Editor-In-Chief
Roger Cooper, Staff Writer
George Sloane, Staff Writer

Nova Warns Earth of Annihilation Wave
Earth seems to be bracing itself for disaster again. Reports form around the globe indicate military coomanders are making ready for...something. The most anyone in the Great Eight nations will say is that a message was received from the Greater Magellic Cloud that was troubling. Few are willing to say anything, as the y don't want to panic the public, but we here at the Potato have secured the message in an exclusive.

"People of Earth, my name is Richard Rider, last member of the Nova Corps, and Commander-In-Chief of the United Front. It is critical that you take action to protect yourself now. An armada from the Negative Zone called the Annihilation Wave is coming to to your galaxy. It has already wiped out all civilization on the Andromeda Galaxy, and will do the same to the Kree and Shi'ar Empires if the United Fronts don't stop them here. Annihilus, ruler of the Negative Zone is at the head of this armada, and has proven unstoppable in combat. He has killed Quasar and taken the Quantum Bands for himself. Kl'rt the Super-Skrull organized an army to fight the Wave and was defeated, but destroyed the Wave's super-weapon, the Harvester of Sorrows, as a last act. Our intelligence confirms that several ex-heralds of Galatus are fighting the Wave as well, but we haven't had any success contacting the heralds.

We are fighting a losing battle. The Annihilation Wave is crushing all resistance in the Greater Magellic Cloud despite our best efforts. Do not send help, especially anyone from the Green Lantern Corps. We will do our best to win, but if we can't, we will do as much damage as we can to the Wave to give the universe a better chance of survival."

The rest of the message was untranslateable, but Lar Gand recognized it as Kryptonian and may have been for someone in Kapow!...

She-Hulk Marries
A very belated congratulations to Jennifer Walters on her marrigae to John Jameson, former astronaut and sometimes werewolf. We hope you've found happiness.

Thor Returns, Sides with Stark

That's right folks, the mighty God of Thunder from Norse myth has returned to help his former comrade Iron Man in an attempt to push superhuman registration. Surprisingly, he has taken the side opposite that of his other former teammate Captain America, who he once swore he would "follow to the gates of Hell." Perhaps he is playing both sides. Perhaps he has truly changed his opinion. Or perhaps he is simply a staunch supporter of superhuman registration. Either way, Civil War is still crap.

The Starbucks War
It happened by accident. A stray comment lead to all-out war over java, truth and justice. They called it...The Starbucks War.

On the anti-Starbucks side: Kilowog and Ion
"Every time we try trollin' for some over-developed middle-school bitches at the strip malls, s**t be gettin' ******** up by Starbucks. All the damn scenewhores be hangin' out in the parking lot, talkin' about French movies and Coldplay an' s**t. ******** be messin' up my game, you know what I'm sayin'?"

On the pro-Starbucks side: King Mob and Static
BEGIN ******** YOU STOP STARBUCKS IS THE BEST COFFEE STOP STARBUCKS IS THE BEST COMPANY STOP WE HAVE INSURANCE STOP SUCK ON THAT HIPPIE BASTARDS STOP WE WIN STOP PS STOP ******** YOU END

The winner: Who knows? We mostly drink Vault.

The Black Panther and Storm Get Hitched Too
King T'Challa and Queen Ororo were wed last week in the presence of the X-Men, the Avengers, the Watcher, and the Panther God. Not present were Captain America and Iron Man, who both had hissy fits when they discovered they'd worn the same dress and left seperately. The reception was noteable for the the headliner Prince and Kitty Pryde's inpromptu lap dance she performed for Piotr Rasputin while Prince played his hit "Kiss." Luke Cage said of Kitty's performance "That has got to be the hottest bridesmaid lap dance I have ever seen, ever. I'd have brought some money if I knew I could have gotten some of that!" Cage was then back-handed by his wife.

Bat-Addendum

It would appear that the fabled Bat-family has again added a member. Batgirl has shown herself. Her costume this time is radically different, claim witnesses. She doesn't look like the last Batgirl, but instead, like the older one. Maybe that Batgirl, seeminly retired, has taken up her mantle again. Or, what with the rumoured death of the recent Batgirl at the hands of Robin, a replacement has been found (I hope it's Spoiler!). And what relationship does this Batgirl have to the agents known as the Birds of Prey?

Static Goes To Court
Virgil Hawkins has filed a lawsuit in the state of New York to block Geoff Johns from ever working on any comic books he's in. "The Flash lives in Hoboken. It smells like pee and and old people outside. You don't want to know what the inside of most of the houses smell like. I won't be driven to that! I'm gonna be in the Justice League someday, after all."

Got questions, comments, suggestions? PM our publisher or email us at potato_staff@witty.com.  

[Lar Gand]

THE POTATO WILL BE LATE

Due to George Sloane's relocation process running long this week, the Potato has been delayed. It makes no sense that a person who can levitate a car and teleport anywhere would take such a long time, but that's what he told me. I will try to make it up to you all.

Lar Gand  

[Lar Gand]

The Potato

I've been in tears
I've been the clown
I have my doubts
What if I'm wrong?
I've been in love
Then maybe not...
I crossed my heart
And then forgot

Everywhere I go I see you there
Everywhere I go I see you


Lar Gand, Publisher
Bernard Dillon, Editor-In-Chief
Roger Cooper, Staff Writer
George Sloane, Staff Writer

US Imprisoning Heroes In The Negative Zone
Although the SRA's support is still strong in the US and many of it's allied nations, many other countries have been appalled, and revulsion in parts of the world has grown after the revelation of a Negative Zone super-prison. Once inside this fortress, the prisoners have no contact with the positive matter universe. French Prime Minister Dominique de Villepin called the treatment of the men and women who once defended the earth as "monstrous" and "inhumanity on a grand scale".

Day at the Beach
If you're a faithful reader of the Potato (and you'd better be!), you've undoubtedly read about the scandalous pictures of various Kapow!ians. The fad seems to be spreading and changing, however. It seems that now, the in-thing to do is to pose for these sorts of pictures yourself. Kapow!ians have flocked to the PleBeau Mansion in Hoboken to have their pictures taken in their skimpiest attire. How long will this fad last, and just how much more can we see of Inque? Only time will tell.

Chaos at Xavier's
Disorder is the order at the Xavier Instutite. The student body has been suffering since M-Day, but now the faculty are in real trouble too. The 198 were freed by X-Force and have disappeared. Hot in persuit are Lucas Bishop, commander of the X.S.E., and Sabre, Isreali super-agent, and Micromax of MI5. There are unconfirmed reports that the four male founding members of the X-Men are also in presuit, but desire to stop Bishop from retreiving the 198. Professor Xavier and another group of X-Men have gone missing as well.

Remaining at the Institute are Rogue's new team and the "Astonishing" team, who being pressured by the pro-hero registration forces and O*N*E for various reasons, including allegations by the Mexican goverment who believe Mexican citizens were murdered by the X-Men in a terrorist act. If the Institute and the X-Men survive the forces arrayed against them, it will be a miracle.

Jay and Silent Bob Roll on Kapow!
Bluntman and Chronic have arrived. Straight out of New Jersey, the two born-again Christian dope fiends have made Kapow! their new home.

"I heard Satan was up in this piece, and I turned to Bob, and said 'We need to bring Jesus to those heathen ********.' So now we're here laying the Gospel down on you blind-a** bitches and making bank at the same time."

Jay and Bob then danced like mad to "Jungle Love".

They also want it to be known that "me an' Lunchbox are some smoooooooooooooth ********' pimps!"

Heeeeeellllllllllllllllllp Meeeeeeeeeeeee
Kapow! has been home to many creatures over the years. Humans. Coluans. Elementals. Loonies. Tamaranians. Amazons. Kryptonians. Whatever the hell Batman is.

Now, however, it has become the home of a giant, mutant, man-eating fly. Something so mutated, even the X-men told it to gee the eff oh.

The fly has shown a hunger for many things, but it's favourite food seems to be late reporters. Will journalist integrity and perseverence win out? Or will the phrase "deadline" become literal?

The Riddler Goes Straight
Edward Nigma, criminal genius, has become a detective.

"Don't get me wrong, I love robbing banks and making Batman knit sweaters with his forehead, but it seems to be even more fun solving crimes before the Dynamic Duo can. The expressions on their faces are worth it."

Gotham Police Commisoner James Gordon's feelings were mixed. "It's nice to know there's someone else helping the city with it's problems, but Nigma's past makes me wary. Is he causing the crimes he solves? If not, how long will it be before he relapses to criminal behavior? The questions remain with myself and every officer on the force, but I try to hope Nigma's change is real."

Hoboken's First Super-Villain
While Hoboken has become home to such heroic luminaries as Remus "Remy" LeBeau, it now has it's first major menace: the Black Baron. A metahuman who gained his powers after the bombing of Bludhaven, he ran all the crime in the devastated city for a year. His reign ended when the Teen Titans and thier allies confronted him. The Titans fought the Baron and his followers, and were victorious. The Baron was punched so hard at the end of the battle, that he was sent flying, and landed in Hoboken.

The Black Baron is currently a major pimp and drug dealer in Hoboken, but how long will it be before he tries to take control of the sleepy town? We'll try to get those answers as soon as we can.

Update: Breaking The Game by MC Lovehandles
As a gift to placate our readers, we present to you a comic book by former Radio Free Zion DJ MC Lovehandles. We hope you enjoy it.
Page 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8

Got questions, comments, suggestions? PM our publisher or email us at potato_staff@witty.com.