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 Posted: Wed Dec 29, 2010 6:45 pm
Haha don't worry about it. I fixed it and it's all good. mrgreen 'Sides, this makes it all the more interesting.
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Posted: Wed Dec 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Isa, I love how you wrote so drastically different for Martin than you did for Sierra, however, you used too much cursing. The best time for cursing to be used is in dialogue, and you can still make a vulgar character without using so much. Cursing is fine, but ales they're in a really really bad mood, no more than 3 curse words a post should do (I mean, you can use more of course, but it shouldn’t feel to the reader that they’re everywhere, all it takes is a little creativity and yay). These should never ever be in the same paragraph (ales its dialogue and they’re yelling at someone).
I understand how cursing is important, and if it helps develop your character by all means, use it. Just, no more than necessary. Basically, when you curse in a post, stop and ask yourself , if it works, is it too vulgar, and is it even necessary.
And Isa isn’t the only one, i saw some unnecessary cursing in a few people’s posts. I curse for Bridgett, so I am not saying you can’t curse. There are times where it works, but there are other times when it offends more than anything. Just be careful, all right.
Also, Dragon, in your post you basically forced Sierra to say yes, if I recall right, (point me out if I’m wrong), I don't think Sierra agreed to either go or stay and wasn't at the dorm to be treated. I can understand if you needed her to say yes for the post, but please ask her in advance. Otherwise, if it can be called godmodding.
Everyone, please always take precautions not to be unnecessarily vulgar or godmodd.
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Posted: Wed Dec 29, 2010 8:19 pm
Ahhh, I'm sorry. I understand and I promise to do better about it in the future. sweatdrop
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Posted: Wed Dec 29, 2010 8:23 pm
Sorry, I thought really hard about that post and tried to make is as non god-mody as possible. I didn't say where Sierra was in the room, I didn't say if she was there because she had been carried or if she was upset about it, and I didn't use her at all. I'm sorry if you felt like I was pushing you're characters around Isa, I will try to be more careful in the future. Please just let me know and I'll change anything.
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Posted: Wed Dec 29, 2010 8:29 pm
It's okay. Martin was planning on carrying her to her room regardless since that was where she wanted to be. Your post is fine as is. mrgreen I'll go back and edit my post with Martin so that it doesn't have as much cursing.
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Posted: Wed Dec 29, 2010 8:30 pm
Its completly fine, we all make mistakes. I'm not counting this as a strike against you or whatever mean mods do, i was just pointing it out so y'all could learn.
Dragon, i understand and i could see in the text you were trying to avoid the godmodding and there really wasnt much you could have done to avoid it. The thing that got me was how she was sitting on the bed when you went to treat her. This could have been easily avoiding by you at least warning her you were going to do that, giving her the time to object. Nonetheless, no worries.
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Posted: Thu Dec 30, 2010 9:03 pm
Sadness. But, whoever finds the secret message wins a prize. It shouldn't be hard now that you know there is one.
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Posted: Thu Dec 30, 2010 9:14 pm
I found the message! You have to highlight it! What do I win?
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Posted: Thu Dec 30, 2010 9:21 pm
Well it's easy, you win an opening. Andy's wishes shall be granted (at least the ones that do not involve sexual attacks).
The reason I'm having a bit of a cow about this (if you received a PM from me, you'll know what I'm talking about) is because this kind of writing is what my early poetry was like and I guess I'm a little self-conscious about it. However, self-conscious or not, I want feedback to improve my writing and this character so have at it.
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Posted: Thu Dec 30, 2010 9:30 pm
Crud! I already posted Polly... That would have worked better with Andy... LAME!
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Posted: Thu Dec 30, 2010 9:32 pm
Wait till you see my PM then ><
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Posted: Thu Dec 30, 2010 9:34 pm
actually, just leave it, I can work with this
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Posted: Thu Dec 30, 2010 9:54 pm
MWHA HA HA Haa haha ha... I've posted anyway.
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Posted: Thu Dec 30, 2010 10:34 pm
Dragonhealer, I want you to know that if Ryan existed, I would have hugged him at first meeting. xd He's adorable.
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Posted: Thu Dec 30, 2010 10:39 pm
Chris, I love you, remember that. But, I’m going to rip that post to pieces, in the nicest way possible. I’m hoping you take this in the learning way you always have.
Basically, it was a whole lot of emotions and no answers. He’s there, having a light conversation, then he has a seemingly random flashback, and then a break down….
I can see you’re a poet, all the bright flashing emotions are screaming just as they are in many poems. Sadly, when done like that, it doesn’t work in fiction. Now, it can be done, just with a little work.
When you want an emotional attack, it has to be realistic. If not, it draws people away from the text. Even in the very depth of make believe, things have to add up. When you talk to people, do they look in mirrors and cry? Now, the best way to do that would be slowly. Start with the conversation, have him look in the reflection, explain why looking at himself reminds him of his past. Go into the flashback, go out of the flashback and tell about it some, how it affects him. Then, have him run off, keep the flashback in his mind while he runs, have him crash, bang, and think more. Basically, I will scream this til the day I die, but add more details. Make it a story, not a flash going by so fast everyone is sitting there confused. This should have taken at the very least 6par, and not super short 6par. The worst way to do emotion is in a quick flash, because it makes the reader confused. You have to make things realistic, make them flow, and add enough details so that the reader is not confused.
Also, you wrote in present tense. Here’s something you need to always always always do, look for present tense in your post before you put it up.
And please, no more hidden messages. It was crafty, but we’re looking for your words and the art in your words, not you hiding things within. Please save your designing creativity for the design, not the actual text. Thank you.
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