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 Posted: Fri Oct 06, 2006 10:51 pm
It...it was...warm...
So strange. Sosososo strange. His room was always so hot but Kiba was always so cold but now he was feeling maybesortofalmostkindof warm somehow inside because Yamagawa was warm and maybesomehow a teeny tiny smidge of that warmth couldhavemaybemighthave come to him because the embers were spreading and it wasn't a fire yet but it was better than it had been and even though it still didn't matter to Yamagawa it was fine because there was maybewarmth...
Making a soft fluttery sound in his throat, Kiba's eyes slid closed, his uncut hand dropping to settle lightly on the junction between Yamagawa's neck and shoulder, the other floating to perch carefullylightlyflutteryly on the redhead's knee as he tentativelyslwlysoftlygently pressed a second, carefulfullerbetter kiss against Yamagawa's lips. Because...
Because he wasn't so sure that he didn't like the warmth spreading somewhere belowburiedfarunder all the ashsootdirtyness because it meant that maybe he had been wrong all along and maybe there might be somethingsomewhere inside of him that was more than nothing. And...and he didn't know if he liked that or not because if there was possiblymaybesomething then he wouldn't have to go away but Yamagawa didn't want him anymore so he didn't know...
A-and Yamagawa wasn't responding so he had done the wrong thing and now that maybewarmth he didn't know exsisted was fading away again and he was going to be coldcoldcold again because he had done the wrong thing so...so now if he stayed he'd get in trouble because Yamagawa wasn't doing anything so... Whimpering slightly in apology, he began pulling back, the coldness coming back at the edges to try and smother the emberwarmth and he didn't like the coldness but he had done the wrong thing...
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Posted: Fri Oct 06, 2006 11:11 pm
The redhead almost didn't want to couldn't want to butmaybejustalittle believe this. It felt like ice and fire and burning and cold and warm and maybejustalittlebitmore than pleasantstrangegood, and his green eyes fluttered closed almost at the same time as the other pressed a second flutteringbitofkiss on his lips again, not even daring to breathe -- his lungs were flutteringjumpingstrange -- and head swimming and confused but not confused and just so so very much muddled with a whole barrage of different feelingstastesmelltouch and.. and.. Kiba-san waskissinghim and it was good.
It was good in a way that made his heart beat painfully and hard and just so so very loud inside his chest like hammer inside him, sending small jolts of shock through his body with every beat, and every one of those and every breath in his lungs felt so strange so weird so.. so very new like he had just just started to see everything feel everything all over again. He couldn't help but exhale softly -- when was he holding his breath back? -- when the softsoftfleetingkiss ended, lidded eyes opening partway and feeling oddweirdstabbing pain go through him as Kiba-san moved away awayfromhimforever and there was the creepingcoldemptiness again and he didn't want him to go.. His eyes searched out Kiba-san's face and his lips and the man's closed eyes and the delicate fluttering vein under the thin skin of the eyelids and.. and..
"Kiba," Yamagawa breathed out as he leant forward this time, almost a surpriseddesperatewondering sort of tinge to his voice, the glass shard dropping wetlyslickly from his hand with a soft tearing plop as he -- he was getting blood allover their gowns -- reached out towards the other male, softlyhesitantlybutsosososurely pressing his lips on over the other's again. He vaguely realised that he had dropped the suffix and would he.. would Kiba-san mind at all but everything was fading and warm and..and Yamagawa had never ever felt this ever before.
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Posted: Sat Oct 07, 2006 8:48 am
He needed to...to go. Because he'd done the wrong thing and now Yamagawa didn't want him even more and the one thing Kiba didn't think he'd be able to handle was Yamagawa not needing him because Yamagawa was the only one Kiba caredreallymuchlyliked about here because experiments and assisstants came and went but Yamagawa had always been there and Kiba wouldn't have been able to do it if he had cared for someone not there, but Yamagawa had been and now Yamagawa didn't want him aymore so--
--so why was Yamagawa kissing him again?
...kissing? Gold snapped open in shockstunnedscared to stare at Yamagawa who was kissing him. He didn't know if Yamagawa was playing with him or really meant it or was just trying to hurt him again but Kiba couldn't help it, this time he knew there was some ember stirring, knew that something was trying to burn inside of him again, and he was so scared because he didn't know if Yamagawa meant it or would just reel Kiba in and throw him away as soon as he was done and he was terrified that the redhead meant the latter but he didn't know so he didn't know if he should pull back or not because he kindoflikedit.
A small, whispery unsure sound slipped forth, and he couldn't help his eyes from flicking desperatelyscaredlylongingly towards the piece of glass that now just sat there, thrown aside by Yamagawa and Kiba didn't want Yamagawa to do that to him too but he didn't know. And he sososoverymuch liked the warmth inside him, the embers trying to blaze again because it meant there was something and maybe if there was something Yamagawa wuldn't throw him away in the end because Yamagawa liked something and didn't like nothing, so if Kiba hadwasis something, then Yamagawa wouldn't not want him for being nothing, right?
Still terribly unsure --the anxiety clearly showing in his eyes, which was good because it was something-- he looked back over at Yamagawa's prettygreenness, tremblingly leaning softlygentlycarefully into the kiss. Because...because he didn't know if it was real but he so very muchly wanted it to be so he was willing maybe to try it and if he was wrongwrongwrong then the glass was just over there so it would be okay. Raising his shakingbleedinguncertain hand from the other's knee, he clutched rather desperately at the front of the other's gown, ignoringnotnoticinghating the blood that stained the whiteness, his blood, but he needed to hold on because he wasn't so sure if he could swim in the overwhelmingimpossibledrowningcrushing worryfear that not knowing was bringing him.
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Posted: Sat Oct 07, 2006 12:52 pm
The voice was gone.
That was the first thing that Yamagawa realised at the moment he shakilynervouslyunsurely pressed his lips against Kiba-san's, his blodytorndirty handarmfingers trembling in their grip on the other male's shoulder because this was wrong and it shouldn't ever feel right because theyheit said it was wrong but it was Kiba-san and they were kissing and it was Kiba and everything somehow felt right.
And this.. this frankly wasn't Yamagawa's first kiss nor his second because it was coldhere lonelyhere and everybody else was lonely so it just felt natural that sometimes it got too much for just them to handle it alone and nobody neither of whoever it was minded because it was cold. But this.. it felt nothing like what his first kiss had been because.. because he didn't ever want to remember it rememberthelaughingcryinghurtknifepain and.. and this wasn't like that last time because it wasn't hurting and even though he felt somewhatkindof scared like last time it was different kind of being scared even though Yamagawa had only known one kind and that was being nothing but this wasn't nothing.
And.. and the voice was gone and in its naggingcoldjittery place there was just a silentemptiness but a warm kind of empty and even though there was nothinglike void just like Yamagawa was sososoveryscared there would be, it didn't feel so much like a nothingness no-one nobodiness anymore, and it was an almost pleasant shiverly sort of tingly feeling that wasn't pain and wasn't hurt and wasn't anything he hatedfeareddidn'twant that shot up the redhead's spine and made him take a sharp intake of breath against the shorter male's lips, feelingbreathingtasting Kiba-san all around and and he was so so very scaredexcitedanticipatingnervous all at once..
The second thing that passed through his mind as Yamagawa desperatelywantinglyneedingly pulled the other closer by his shoulders was that he would have to cut down on drinking beer if he was going to pay for the cleaning bills.
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Posted: Sat Oct 07, 2006 5:47 pm
It was scary, not knowing. Unsureity was sososo scary. It was so much better to be sure than to not know, because nt knowing meant that anything could happen, and it was even worse when the unsureity was with people. With potions or poisons, unsureity wasn't so bad, because if they rejected him, he'd just reject them right back. But that co-rejection was so much harder with actual people because there was a different level of unsureity that was so much bigger and...and unsure.
And...and Kiba was still so veryveryvery unsure right now. Because...because Yamagawa didn't want him because he was nothing, but nw there was something growing and spreading so maybe Yamagawa might want him, but he might not too, and it was scary because he didn't know what Yamagawa would do. He usually would have been able to tell, but there was this...this other Yamagawa and Kiba didn't knw that Yamagawa and he still wasn't sure which Yamagawa the one infrontofhimkissinghimtouchinghim was anymore, because the two weren't so very similar but Kiba wasn't sure of anything anymore so he couldn't tell.
But...even if...Yamagwa just wanted to...to use him, or...or throw him away...it...d-didn't matter...b-because Kiba didn't matter. Even though that something was grwing, that warmth was starting to spread, he was still so very full of nothingness and Yamagawa didn't like nothingness. S-so...so it'd be...f-fine if Yamagawa just used him b-because...because he was still so much nothing that it wouldn't matter...
Carefullyhesitantlyslowslowslow he leaned a littletinybit into the kiss, almost like a teenager with his first kiss, terribly afraid to cross that certain line but so very unsure of where that line exactly was. Even though this was by no means his first kiss, it had been so veryveryvery long since he'd let anyone close enough to kiss him that it could have been. Nearly a decade, if not a little longer, since he'd been that close to someone. So...so even though it wasn't, it pretty much was his first kiss, and...and he didn't know where that line was and he was so afraid of crossing it but he couldn't find it...
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Posted: Sat Oct 07, 2006 6:20 pm
He had always been afraidscaredsososoverymuch of nothingness.
He had never been scared of the dark, because he was dark and he knew he was dark and it was either get used to his darkness or.. or drown. So many of the others had, and Yamagawa had seen too many of the others drowning, and he wasn't scared of the dark but he was scared of the drowning because drowning meant nothing and once you were cold and white and dead and once they buried you -- or whatever they did with the bodies -- you were gone, gone into the sososoveryfeared nothingness and Yamagawa didn't want to die.. He was never scared of the darkness. It was what the darkness felt like that scared Yamagawa so much and he had spent his entire life just trying to get rid of escape run away from the nothingdarkness, just running and hiding and being sososo scared and too weak to block out the voices and the laughing..
But every single one of them faded and died and died right into the spreading strangenew warmth that flowed into him and put out the cold burning fear --whatifthisisn'trealplease-- and.. and Yamagawa didn't couldn't believe this was actually really positively happening because even though he could feel Kiba-san it felt so floaty and dreamy and.. and just not not very so very real. But he had to believe it. He had to.. He had to feel Kiba-san because this was sososovery new and not real and Kiba-santhisithe had to be real because this was the only thing he was never quite scared of even though it was scary.
Because it felt like burningicyhotfire under his skin and it was like he was falling downdowndown to nothing and he needed Kiba-san to keep him steady keep him focused keep him feeling because Yamagawa didn't want to ever ever die and be forgotten and just die and if he felt then he wouldn't feel so cold and dead and Kiba-san made him feel.. he made him feel.
His trembling fingers brushed softly, apologetically against the bruisingpurplegreenpain marks on Kiba-san's neck --hehaddonethishimitusyouhim-- and the redhead pulled closer against the other, his movement almost desperate and sosovery unsure and little bit morewaymore than afraid because right now Kiba-san was the onlythinganythingsomething keeping him afloat and not dying and not drowning and.. and he was scared that Kiba-san will go away because Yamagawa had nothing but Kiba-san and it was just so much pressure somuchtrust that Yamagawa had never ever given to anybodyelse ever..
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Posted: Sat Oct 07, 2006 7:02 pm
If...if Yamagawa...pretended to need him...then...then he wouldn't need to goawaydie because...because if he was needed j-just a little bit...even if it was a pretend need...th-then...then he wouldn't become Gama-Sen'nin...and...because...Gama-Sen'nin was...alone and being needed, even pretend...was...was not alone...s-so...
Longingneedingwantingcraving the other, he leaned closer, furthering the kiss as much as he dared. He still didn't see that line, the one he couldn't cross, and didn't know where it was or what he'd do to cross --because he was so veryveryvery sure he'd cross it-- but Kiba neededwantedhadtohave as much of this as he could before Yamagawa pushed hima way again, because this was...this was making his embers spark and glow and try to lite that fire again, and he hadn't had that happen in such a very long time that the feeling was a little scary but it was good so he wasn't exactly protesting it and...and he liked it...
Trembling more than he should have been, he felt something sparkglimmerslide down his body when Yamagawa touched the bitebruisemarks on his neck, and it wasn't exactly pain but it wasn't exactly good either. Sort of...like...brocolli and vanilla ice cream. It...it was bad because brocolli wasn't an ice cream flavor, but it was good because vanilla was. Like, the good and the bad canceled each other out and was neutral, but it still wasn't nothing because neutral was shades of greys, and nothing was...horribledarkcolorless. And...and he couldn'tdidn'twanttoneverwantedto let go of Yamagawa, because Yamagawa was making him something again, something he hadn't feltbeenknown for such a longlonglong time, and he wantedneeded to be something again, to be cherished again, even if it was just pretend...
Because more often than not, pretend was sososo much better than reality...
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Posted: Sat Oct 07, 2006 7:37 pm
Yamagawa's eyelashes fluttered softly as he let out a small gaspingwhimpering noise, his fingers falling away from where they were tracing around the bruisebites like hot iron under his fingertips and instead working their way weaving into the softsoftsoft green locks of Kiba-san's hair. Because.. Because Yamagawa needed this, needed Kiba-san, in every sense of the word and more. Yamagawa neededwantedthis like he needed water and air and breath and warmth and somethingness because he didn't have anything and he had nothing and somehow kissing Kiba-san made him feel like he had something, and..and if he was something then he wouldn't ever die or be cold or forgotten or hear those voiceshatingvoices ever ever again.
And.. And his lungs were kind of burning in a hotfierywanting sort of way that was almost the same as the feeling pooling in his gut and his fingertips and driving away the darkcoldness, and Yamagawa wasn't quite sure --nothing was ever quite at this point right now-- why it was burning but.. but if he let go of Kiba-san then he might disappear and if Kiba-san disappearedlefthimalonedidn'tneedhim then Yamagawa didn't need himself anymore and what use is existing if you didn't need yourself? And...and if Kiba let go right right now.. then.. then all the strings would snap and Yamagawa wouldn't have anything to hold onto and he'll fall and break and it would hurt sososososomuch..
"--please," the word fell from the redhead's lips like a pleaprayermantracommandaskinghelp and Yamagawa tookinbreathedin a shallow, half-sobbing gasp before pressing his lips slightlyverynervously harder against the other male's, eyes closing tightly because he was sososcaredwhy that.. that Kiba-san will be gone and he'll stopfeelingstopexistingstopliving and he didn't want to die..
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Posted: Sat Oct 07, 2006 8:54 pm
Please? Please what? Kiba didn't know what Yamagawa wanted from him anymore. It had been about the potion, and then Yamagawa did the weirdcreepychange thing and it had been about his...his nothingness, and now Yamagawa wanted...what? What did Yamagawa want from him? Kiba was willing to give it if it meant he might feel something again, might not have to live with this burningcolddying emptiness anymore, but he didn't know what it was.
And he wasn't willingreadyprepared to break away to ask. Because he knew somewhere deep down that if he pulled away, if he broke apart, that Yamagawa would slip out of his fingers like smoke and Kiba would never get him back, and Kiba would really kill himself if that happened, because if he lost Yamagawa he'd lost that warmthemberglowing and he'd be left alonecolddarkempty and he wouldn't become Gama-Sen'nin ever.
The snake let out a soft whimpermoanthing, nipping gently at Yamagawa's lips but not breaking skin, because that'd be bad because he didn'twantcouldn'thave Yamagawa die but it felt goodniceokay to reaffirm with his teethtonguenoseeyesears that Yamagawa was indeed here and this wasn't some figment of his warpedscareddepressednothing mind. Because the worst thing in the world right now would be to wake up and find out it was all a dream and nothing had happened and he was still so alonedeaddying. He wouldn't have been able to take that.
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Posted: Sat Oct 07, 2006 10:21 pm
His lips opened partly at the gentle softslowsosososogood nippin feel of Kiba-san's teeth, a sort of unknown scarywarmgood sort of shivershuddering running through his body at the.. at the.. his brain clicked finally with a jolting electrical shock and Yamagawa gasped slightly, fingers tightening and tugging just a little at the softsilky strangslocks of Kiba-san's hair. They were.. they were so close Kiba-san was so close the tastesmellfeelsighttouchtouches and the teethfangtouch was sososososoclosegoodclose..
Making a sort of incredibly embarrassing --if he had still cared-- and half-loud --ditto-- whimpermoanplease, the redhead leant in againstclosertogether towards Kiba's form, drawingthempressingthem together with almost frantic needwantwarmth that sparked and welled up inside him and behind his eyelids with giant bursting sparks of something that hurt and didn't hurt at the same time.
"Please.." Yamagawa was only half-aware of what was going on around him. He wasn't sure what he was askingbeggingpleadingfor and most of all he wasn't sure why he was beging, but it didn't matter because Kiba-san didn'tlikehim and hated him and itwouldn't be of any use even if he said--- His bleedingtorndirtyhand rose up to cup the backof Kiba-san's head lightly, two half-formed words falling from his lips against Kiba-san's as Yamagawa tentativelyunsurely trailed his tongue ver the lower lip of the other male's. "--don't go.."
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Posted: Sat Oct 07, 2006 10:44 pm
Kiba didn't answer, couldn't answer, hoping that his actions would convey enough of an answer as he arched up against Yamagawa's body and trying sososo very desperately not to let go, because he couldn't drown ever never or he'd never find his way back. He had forgotten that anyone else was still in the room, forgotten that anything else mattered, because there was only nowhereperfectwarm and everything else was stupid pointless necessities that weren't needed right now because Kiba had everything he needed right here, everything that was making those embers glow inside of him, and Yamagawa was doing it so well.
He knew that this right now didn't matter either, because he wasn't enough of a something for Yamagawa to care about, was just a...a release or something, but he didn't mind, because being used was better than being ignored or forgotten or thrown aside. And the embers were good too, so he didn't mindcareworryabout next or forward or anything because there was now and it was good and it was making him feel even if it wasn't making Yamagawa feel anything.
Making a whisperymoanypurry sort of sound as Yamagawa's tongue ran over his lip, Kiba parted his lips, allowing entry because he saw no reason to deny it, his one hand clutching Yamagawa's shirt --when had he let go of the coat and grabbed the shirt underneath?-- the other twining upward into Yamagawa's prettypretty red hair, scratching lightly at the other's scalp. He didn't make any protest against his hair being pulled because this time it didn't hurt, not like before, and the tuggingnaggingpulling just seemed to enhance everything, somehow, surpercharge all the lights and colors and sounds so it was more and better and warm...
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Posted: Sat Oct 07, 2006 11:01 pm
Everything and anything flew right out the window of Yamagawa's mind -- the blood, the hurt, the voices, the angersadnessfearhurt everything -- and there only remained a few bright bursting lights which he couldn't give a reason for --but it didn't matter-- and the gaspypleadingwanting noises --those didn't so much matter either-- as the redhead felt.. he felt a surge of desperateneedingwantingness from inside him and from inside Kiba and he almost gasped out loud as his lipstongue the burningsortoffeelingwetsososogood cavern of the other male's mouth, hands tightening in an almost a death-grip on Kiba's hair and his shoulder and itmighthurt but that thought was fading out already.
Please, he wanted to say, except that the sound died along with sososomany of those unnecessary stupid useless scary things that he didn't ever ever need couldn't feel he would ever ever need because Kiba was here and they were here and nothing else mattered ever ever ever for ever and everything was going to change and disappear into the swirly lightdarkness..
Because he didn't ever want this to end. Yamagawa didn't want this to end because if it ended then it meant they were all back and Yamagawa sososodesperately never wanted them back never wanted the laughingdarkcoldnessemptiness back ever again, and Kiba-san and the touchtastesmellfeel of Kiba and the feel of Kiba's fingershandlipsmouthbody and the kiss this kiss was the only thing keeping everything back like a paper-thin wall, and Yamagawa wasn't sure if he wouldn't crackdrowndie if the kiss ended and everything flowed back in and smothered him right back up again..
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Posted: Sat Oct 07, 2006 11:34 pm
It didn't matter, this didn't matter, he knew that, knew it deepdeepdeep down, but it was so hard to believe when Yamagawa seemedfeltmoved so desperatelyneedinglywantingly. Like...like he wanted something else, something more from Kiba, which he had n qualms about giving because it didn't matter and he knew it despite how longingdesperateright it felt right this second.
And he knew, knewknewknewknewknew that if he pulledbackdrewawaystopped he'd shatter and crumble and all those embers would snuff out and die and never come back ever again no matter what because it'd be so much better to not come back if he shattered again so he had to stay close kissingtouchingtastingfeeling Yamagawa so he wouldn't shatter. Even though Yamagawa was just using him, because even that didn't matter when it stoked those embers and made them glow and try and flare up int something which he'd not had in so very long that being something hurt but felt better than good that the same time. And he wasn't quite yet prepared to lose that wonderful perfect feeling of something quite yet, so he had to stay closecloseclose by Yamagawa and keep doing this, this kissing and touching and being near so he didn't fade away again.
He didn't even notive the tuggingpullingtight grip on his hair or the harsh grip on his shoulder anymore because if he did he'd lose what was going on and he'd make Yamagawa leave which he couldn't because he didn't want to shatter ever again because it hurt so much that he didn't think he'd be able to do it again. Shakingmoaningwhimperingneeding, Kiba scooched forward, arching his torso against the other's, his hand slipping under the coat --but over the shirt because he wasn't that bold yet or ever-- to wrap around Yamagawa's side, bringing them closerwarmerbetternearer to each other which meant more than anything that he wasn't alone and that was the only thing he needed right now. Truthfully, Kiba probably would have, at this point, settled for anyone, but he was sososoverymuchlyso glad that it was Yamagawa kissingtouchingholdingusing him.
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Posted: Sat Oct 07, 2006 11:54 pm
If he closed his eyes and didn't breathe didn'tthink then it was much much easier to pretend that this was real, that Kiba-san actually was feelingkissingtouchingneeding him just as much as Yamagawa was needing the touchfeeltasteheat of the other and if he believed it, if he just made some incoherent sound at the closecloserarchingbodyfeel against him and drew closertighterfuller against Kiba and just believed, this felttastedsmeltfelt almost so painfully real.
Yamagawa could almostmaybeactually feel alive again, because this touchingkissingfeelingneeding was the only thing that felt even remotedly alive to him and at this right this moment Yamagawa was sosoverymuch wanting this wanting Kiba-san so much because he was so so very scared and he had never been this scared ever before because all of a sudden he could see he could hear the rush of screaminglaughingcrying of pieces of himself parts of him floatingcrackingdrowning away in the darkdark depths of the endless emptiness and he didn't wasn't wasnoyes so scared..
He didn't want to crumble. He didn't want to be lost again to be cold again not ever never ever because he had already lost so much lost so much thingspeoplehimself in the cold dark emptynothingblackwaters that crept in through the cracks that he so sosoverymuch tried to keep out keep away because it hurt and Yamagawa needed this to go on for ever and ever so that the darkness would never come and he would feel and maybe just a little bit more like normal and feeling and.. and happy because he had never known ever how those felt like.
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Posted: Sun Oct 08, 2006 7:11 am
If...if Kiba gave himself...all of himself...to Yamagawa...would he stay? If Kiba gave everything he hadwasiscouldeverbe, would that make any ifference? Would it keep Yamagawa here, not for forever by any means, but for a longlonglong time? Because Kiba...Kiba was sososo very uncertain about if he'd be able to livebreathefeelexsist anymore if he was left all alone, if Yamagawa left him all so very alone. He didn't know if he'd be able to put himself back together again f Yamagawa left.
Because even though it didn't matter, even though the kissingtouchingfeelingnearness didn't matter to Yamagawa, it felt real enough to Kiba that he was willing to pretendfakebeleive it actually maybe might mean something special, something worth living for, worth burning for. If he pretended it matteredmeantsomethinghadtruth then he could pretend that Yamagawa really did want this, did want Kiba who was uselessworthlesspointlessstpid and he wouldn't be alone, because was really so very good at pretending and he was still so veryvery needing this, this not being alone.
And even though there was that fear, that bone deep chill that even if he gave everything, even if Yamagawa took everything, he'd be left all alone --like last time-- he was still so very willing to try it because he had nothing left to lose anymore, was worth nothing to anyone so it wouldn't be a problem if he broke again, just an inconvenience. Practically in Yamagawa's lap by now, his one hand snaking up Yamagawa's shirted back, the other tangling in Yamagawa's hair in some desperate attempt to bring then even closer together. He needed this, needed Yamagawa, needed the closeness to the other even if it wasn't real, because if he didn't have it, he'd wither away into smoke, and he couldn't let that happen, not again, because if it did, he wouldn't be able to go on anymore, he just wouldn't be able to.
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