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 Posted: Fri Oct 06, 2006 3:09 am
See? He had been right? Yamagawa wouldn't want him anymore. The realization glided dreamily through as Kiba crumpled down the wall to the floor, shaking and crying and still so very hurting. It didn't hurt any less now that Yamagawa had stopped. No, it hurt muchmuch more, because it left him knowing that he was useless nothing no one wanted, and that hurt. Knowing that people saw inside him and found nothing and wanted nothing so they didn't want him anymore, that hurt so badly it was a wonder his heart hadn't torn itself apart by now, it hurt so much. And even when Yamagawa had been holding it, even when he had been scared because he didn't know what the other Yamagawa would do, he hadn't fullyonehundredpercent minded because it meant that someone was trying to touch him, even though he was nothing, and that felt...almost happy.
A wry smile slipped over his lips as he slumped against the wall, staring down at the floor. He would have gotten up except...why bother? He really was Gama-Sen'nin, doomed to be alone forever and ever, never getting old and living forever to suffer in silence. A snake hermit, fit for nothing, that no one noticed nor cared nor wanted around. "How fitting," he whispered, soft enough that he couldn't tell if Yamagawa had heard it, coouldn't tell really if he had heard it, because maybe it was just an echo of the hurtinglaughingjeering letters scrolling across his eyes, proving everything he'd ever thought of himself was sosososoveryvery true. He was nothing a people didn't want nothing, they wanted something that he wasn't.
Something broke into a thousand million gazllion shards right then. Because if he and his nothingness didn't matter anymore, had never mattered, and it had been proven by the guy he --still, surprisingly-- liked, then what was the point in pretending anymore? If he pretended, people would see something, but if he didn't, he'd be nothing and people would see nothing and he'd fade away all alone just like he had always hoped and feared but it wouldn't matter because he was Gama-Sen'nin, and no one cared about the eternal snake hermit who was alone anyway.
This was why he should never have felt. This was why he should have locked his feelings away like the rest of his family, like everyone else was so good at doing. Because then it wouldn't hurt like this, this stabbingtearingdying pain inside as the last of his perfect little mock-up world turned to rubble. Snakes were suuposed to be cold-hearted bastards, so why had he ever thought he might want to be different? Letting out a small breath, Kiba looked up, faceeyesmouth blank and...empty, muchmuchmuch colder than he'd ever looked before, much...deader.
"If that's all, please go," he whispered, and this time he knew Yamagawa had heard, because he almost watched the words fly through the air to the other male. He didn't want Yamagawa to leave, had never wanted him to leave, just wanted him to stop but he'd stopped pretending because stopping was the equivilant of leaving anyway so what was the point? He'd just stop pretending feelings, and he bury all his hurt and fears and nothingness behind a wall where no one could touch, no one wanted to touch, and he'd be Gama-Sen'nin, because he didn't matter, and if he disappeared off the face of the earth and became a hermit, noone would care. Not even Yamagawa...especially nt Yamagawa, who didn't like nothing and didn't like Kiba.
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Posted: Fri Oct 06, 2006 3:52 am
It.. He.. They..
The nasty nagging sly dark voice had receded, even the echo of it swept away by the incredulousnumb sort of strange drained feeling he always got in aftermath to the voice, as if he was a spring or an elestic band being stretched then suddenly pulled loose and lying tangledbrokentwisted and usually all he would have wanted to do right now right this moment was to let himself be drawn sucked into the warmenvelopingdarkness --not the coldcoldharddeepscarydark-- but.. but he couldn't because he had done something disgustingstupidscaryfilthyinvading to Kiba-san and howwhywhat had he done and even though the voice and the light and the darknasty feelingtendrils were gone, there was instead heavy sort of rising wave of panic and fear and there was so much of it..
His vision darkened slightly and the wave finallyfearfullygratefully crashed down over him in a rolling sort of darkness, and he took a few more short staggers backwards before collapsing heavily onto the floor, handsfingersshoulders shaking and trying not to shake as Yamagawa gripped his forearms tightly, widelightflickeringpanicky green eyes staring at the form of Kiba just a few feet away from him. It was cold. It was cold and dark and he could still taste the nastyoilydark sort of bad feeling in the back of his mouth and he could tastesmellfeel Kiba-san on his lipshandsheadbodymind and.. and..
"If that's all, please go,"
Yamagawa couldn't help it; he flinched visibly and feltheardsaw something crack and shatter in Kiba-san and-- the redhead paled at the sudden sort of hardcold thought that smashed into the side of his head, his nails digging just that little bit more and shooting sharp pains up both his arms as he crouched forward, eyes closing tightly. He.. he had done this. He had wantedneededtofix Kiba-san because he needed him back and now Yamagawa couldn't and nothing was back and everything was so so very wrong.
He didn't want this. He hadn't and never had and didn't and wasn'tisn't wanting this because this wasn't him and this wasn't Kiba-san and it was all his fault because.. because Kiba-san was fine and maybe maybe he was just feeling not good but then Yamagawa had went and broken Kiba-san even though he hadn't wanted Yamagawa needed Yamagawa at all --moreflashingimagelaughterknifehurthurting-- and now everything was shattered and Yamagawa was shattered and he couldn't bring Kiba-san back even though he sodesperatelyneeded him..
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Posted: Fri Oct 06, 2006 4:28 am
Maybe...maybe when Yamagawa left --he was going to, Kiba knew it, because everyone left-- Kiba would just...turn the heat down in his room. Let it get colder and colder, let his blood get thicker and more chokingconstrictingbinding, and just...go numb. Number than he already was. And maybe, if he was really lucky, the cold might just pull him away, take him farfarfar away from this world so he wouldn't have to be Gama-Sen'nin, because that was such a scary lonely future it almost made him scared. But...but he wasn't feeling anything anymore, so the fear never flourished, just died in the spaceless vacuum inside him.
Sighing, he made a small, feeble attempt to pull himself off the ground using the wall as support, but he shouldn't have even bothered. His legs were still shakyunsupportive and wouldn't have been able to keep him upright with a pair of crutches, let alone his own weight. And...crawling was too much to be bothered with. Lidding his eyes partway --some attempt to blockoutblurrbanish YamagawaChoulightbrighteverything-- he leaned back against the wall, looking, for all intents and purposes, completely calm. If it weren't for the emptydeadcold radiating off him, no one would have given him a second look, because there was nothing to look at.
He wondered slightly why Yamagawa hadn't left yet, hadn't taken Chou-chan and gone already, but didn't dwell on it. There was a naggingstingingfullness in his hand, and very belatedly did he remember the glass in his palm. The blue had faded from the skin some time during the exchange between them, but the glass still remained. Promptly ignoring Yamagawa --not forgetting, just ignoring; Yamagawa had a presence that all people had, that he couldn't ignore-- he turned his gaze down to stare blankly at his hand, already digging at the flesh with his nails. If he got the glass out, maybe he could do something horriblyterriblyfinal like...slit his wrists or something, if the piece was sharp enough. Because if Gama-Sen'nin was his fate, he was going to fight it with all he had. He was not going to spend eternity alone, constantly shedding skin forever and ever. He'd rather die, even if by his own hand.
Besides, what was stopping him? Because he was nothing and people didn't give a damn about nothing, so no one would care if he died...
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Posted: Fri Oct 06, 2006 4:42 am
He couldn't think, he couldn't breathe, he couldn't see for the sudden strange blurring of his vision that just came over him and maybe it was him finally going blind after all these years just prolonging that process with glasses and now it was finally going blind now and.. and Yamagawa always used to think that it would be a littlebitalittle scary --while feeling annoyed at himself for feeling scared-- to go blind and never see anything ever ever again but now.. but now it was almost soverytotallywelcoming because the idea that he won't be able to see anything, the thought that he won't be able to see Kiba-san being brokenhurtshatteredcryingscareddead because of him was so very comforting and made nervous knots inside his stomach all at the same time because if he went blind then he won't be able to see Kiba-san at all.
That thought hurt more than anything everything else -- even more than the halfmemoryhalfnightmare of the throbbingpaincut shooting up his neck -- Yamagawa raised a hand, nails tinged faintred where they dug too hard into the skin and broke it, in a feeble attempt to somehow stop, stop the fuzzy darkness from creeping in and making him blind and not see Kiba-san at all ever not ever. Because maybe just maybe it was just his glasses and not his eyes and everything will be fine, right?
....that was just pure plain stupid and Yamagawa knew it, like those stories comfortingcalminghappy stories where everyone lived happily ever after and made you happy but this wasn't it and because of him everything wasn't going to be alright anymore not ever..
But it wasn't. It wasn't blindness or darkness or anything like not being able to seefeelwatch Kiba-san anymore. Because when his fingertips -- shakycoldflutteringlynervousbloody -- touched tentatively around his eye, it was strangely wet and slick and was he bleeding but he wasn't. It.. He...
He had never ever cried before.
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Posted: Fri Oct 06, 2006 5:07 am
It was...it was icy. Normally, Kiba wouldn't have used that word, because his body just couldn't handle freezing tempuratures, so he wouldn't even be thinking a word like that because it was too cold, too slow, too dead like winter, but it was icy. He was numb and getting colder every second --if not tempurature wise, at least emotionally-- and he'd at least handled ice before for short amounts of time, so he knew what it felt like. And it felt...like...like this, this cold emptiness where nothing existed or lived so it was perfect for him because he was nothing.
Gold orbs slid upward once --just once-- at some sort of shuddering gaspchokesob, pausing in his attempt to scratchdigcarve the glass out. Had he felt anything, been more than ice, he would have been completely shockedstunnedstuptefied at seeing Yamagawa crying. It was so...out of character. Yamagawa was so cold and distant and composed that he never cried and had Kiba cared he wold have wondered why Yamagawa was crying now.
But...there was the crux. He didn't care. About anything, never ever again, because caring about things only hurt and tore stabbingtearing wounds in your chest that didn't bleed but hurt so much more than a pysical would ever coulddidhad. And if not caring about anything would stop the horriblejaggedtearingdying pain, then he wouldn't care, because it hurt so much and it shouldn't because ghosts didn't feel and he was a nothingghost, so he shouldn't feel but he didhadalways feel and it hurt so he simply wasn't going to anymore.
With one last wince --why was he wincing? He shouldn't be wincing, shouldn't be hurting, shouldn't be feeling-- he pulled the glass out of his palm, the piece dropping wetly on the floor with a dull tinkling sound. It was plenty sharp --wonder it adn't done more damage in his hand-- and it was all reddened from the blood now dripping from his hand, and it would be so easy to just cut that big vein in blue against his whitepalepalepale skin and all he had to do was reach out, and he'd never ever have to become Gama-Sen'nin ever, never have to be alone anymore, never have to be...
...just...reach out...
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Posted: Fri Oct 06, 2006 5:27 am
His fingertips felt cold and wet and shaky and it was soslightlyverymuch unnerving -- though stunned was more the right word -- because he had never, ever cried. At least he couldn't remember ever crying ever ever not even when 'he' had left because it had been a promise which turned out to be a lie and when Yamagawa realised that bit of hurtlietruth all the tears that could would maybe have been shed were all long long gone. He couldn't say it was much pleasant experience, this crying, though it wasn't quite so very painful either. Strange, he thought it would hurt sososo very much because it was coming out of you and it hurt when blood came out --even though it was sosobeautifulred-- so this should hurt too, right?
He raised his fingers up and took a dazed blurry moment to stare at the shinyglintingwetnessliquid on them, mind still frozen still numb still so disgusted with himself that it wasn't quite noticing the fact that he was crying, in all meanings of the word. There was water coming out of him and Yamagawa couldn't stop it from happening and maybe if he cried and cried and never stopped maybe he'd just fade away shrivel to nothing and just go away because he had screwed up he had broken shattered up Kiba-san and now he hated him and Kiba-san----
His eyes flickered, the redhead's gaze catching the other scientist's movement as he reached out for the lump of shinyclearbloodyglintysharp and caught the lookgleamlight in his eyesfaceeverything and it made Yamagawa slightly so very slightly scared with a surge of renewed panicky nervousness because Kiba-san seemed so cold and dead -- again, he had done this all of this -- and even through all that there was that light that look in Kiba-san's face that was somehow screaming out wrong and made warning lights flash inside behind Yamagawa's eyes, and.. and it was bad.
He wasn't ever quite sure why it was bad since Kiba-san was just going to pick it up but somehow something wasn't didn't seem so quite right because Kiba-san looked too much like 'him' and Yamagawa didn't want him to look like it because then it would be toomuchsamenesstoosimilar and.. and Yamagawa just wanted Kiba-san and noone else that took over Kiba-san because it was sosoverywrong. Maybe it was that wrongness that made Yamagawa uncurl and reach out and somehow pull back that shinyglitterybloodything --glasspiecesharp-- away from Kiba-san's hand, his fingerspalmhand catching the sharp edge and --in almost a slow-motion-- cutting open all the redness that spurted and dripped down Yamagawa's hand as he crouched there in front of Kiba-san almost on all fours, the piece held tightly in his hand and his heart somehowwhy shakingfluttering wildly.
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Posted: Fri Oct 06, 2006 6:09 am
Molasses...like the air had somehow thickened to the consistancy of molasses and now he had to push through the thickheavycrushing weight to get to the glass even though it was right there and he didn't want to fight that hard fr the stupid shard but he just wanted everything to stop. And the ice wasn't enough because under the ice it still hurt but if he wasn't being anymore it wouldn't hurt and to make the hurt go away he was willing to push through the molasses air because he didn't want it to hurt ever again and he wouldn't let himself become Gama-Sen'nin. And there were only a couple more centimeters to go so he could get there...
And his hand closed around air.
Almost disbelieving, he opened his hand again, looking down at the emptiness in his palm, the shard very clearly missing from his hand. And there was that pressingcrushingtearingstabbing pain again trying to break out of the ice and it hurt and he needed the glass to make it go away but it was gone and where did it go?
His eyes slowly trailed from his open palm to the other palepalered hand suddenly in view, and even though the hand was closed Kiba knew, just knew that the glass was there and faraway so he had to get it back...still slightly disbelieving, he let his gaze travel upward, to stare at Yamagawa with confusionhurtfeardesperationlongingice because he didn't understand why Yamagawa would take the glass, because Kiba was nothing and Yamagaw didn't like nothing which hurthurthurt so he had to make the pain go away...
But...maybe it was because Yamagawa didn't like nothing...? Maybe...Yamagawa took the glass...so that he could make the Kibanothing go awayfarfarawaynevercomeback? Still looking confusedhurtwanting, he held out his wrist as some sort of sacrifice to the glass and to Yamagawa, eyes never leaving Yamagawa's face, because he didn't understand why Yamagawa took the glass but he couldn't think of any other reason so Yamagawa must want to destroy him, right? Well...if that was the case...Kiba wasn't going to fight it. He'd do anything to have everything stop, even if it meant holding out his wrist so someone else could cut it.
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Posted: Fri Oct 06, 2006 6:28 am
He was shaking.
His shoulders were shaking and his fingershandarm was shaking because he was maybeperhapsnotyes clutching the shard too tightly because it was digging into the palm of his hand and the pads of his fingers and that should need stitching and his knuckles were probably turning white but Yamagawa didn't care. Mostly because his eyes were still fixed on the ground just in front of Kiba-san and he knew he was shaking because he could never ever look up ever to meet Kiba-san's faceeyeslook because he had hurt Kiba-san and he was disgustingfilthy so Kiba-san would never ever want Yamagawa to see him again ever right?
A sudden flash of realisation struck Yamagawa and he gasped softly, finally feeling something painhurtconfusedslow hot and burning and just so painful bursting somewhere inside him almost at the same time as the sharp burst of pain shot through his bloodydripping hand and up his arm straight into join the flooding out churning in his gut. Kiba didn't want to see him. It would have been better if he was just had just turned blind after all. Because there was no point in being scared of being blind because Kiba-san never wanted to see him again and what use were eyes if they couldn't look at Kiba-san?
Teeth gritted tightly --because he might scream and cry and Yamagawa wasn't sure why but he knew he should't make any noise because it was even more weakness and it cracked-- the redhead lifted his gaze so very slightly --because Kiba-san didn't likehimseehimneedhimanymore-- and blinked the falling watery tears away. Because.. because it was more that he wantedneededhadtomust see Kiba-san again because he hated him and Yamagawa was okay with it because he hated himself he hated the otherness the voice the tendrildarkheaviness and he should go away and never ever come back and---
His waveringwaterystupidfilthygaze met a pale white skin, and it took him a slow blink to figure out that it was indeed actually Kiba-san's wrist. Kiba's wrist with the paleprettyskin and the faint rivulvet line of blue vein redbluewarmth running just under the thinprettyskin. He.. Kiba-san... Yamagawa's hand slowly clenched tightly into a more firmer fist as he finally looked up to meet Kiba's eyes, green eyes fallingshiningconfusedmuddled with so many questionshurtapologyI'msosorry..
What does he want?
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Posted: Fri Oct 06, 2006 12:56 pm
Impationately, he met Yamagawa's gaze, eyes still radiating confusionneedhurt even though everything else about him was calm, calmer than calm, much too calm. Then, without expression, he dropped his eyes down to his wrist, the pale, unmarked canvas threaded with blue. Carefully, he drew a thin, straight line with his nail, the blood from his palm trailingmarringflawing the paleness with its stark contrast. For a long second, he stared at the line, thinking it as some sort of...of instruction manual. Cut here. Then he looked back up, once more offering his wrist to the redhead.
"Either do it, or give it back," he whispered emotionlessly, though his eyes still flickered with those feelings he couldn't quite contain. Strange how the thin little line felt almost acidic on his skin, too hot, searing a line permanantly in his flesh, even though he knew that if he wiped it away, the skin would be just as unmarked as before. But...it was just...he was so coldnumbemtpydead and the blood was hotburningredsizzling and it hurt even though it shouldn't because all it was doing was touching his skin, which shouldn't hurt at all. But...it did, the pain almost rating right up there with the bite marks on his neck that were just beginning to color --he could feel it-- that Yamagawa had given him. And those bite marks had hurthurthurt so much because they were from Yamagawa and they meant nothing and the burningsearing line was hurting almost as much, even though the more rational part of his mind was saying that it was all in his head.
But wasn't everything just in his head? All his feelings, his fearsdreamsthoughtswords, they were only in his head, and they got so easily sucked up in the nothingness before they ever left him that what other people sawheardfelt from him was useless and pointless because he couldn't say or do anything real. And if none of those thoughtswordsactions ever escaped him, then it didn't matter if they became nothing because they had never existed in the first place anyway and he didn't understand why Yamagawa was hesitating because Yamagawa wanted this, right? Yamagawa wanted the nothingness to go away because he didn't like the nothingness.
"I'll do it myself," he offered, still in that tonelessimpersonal voice, wrist still outstretched, giving a small shrug like it was no big deal. And it wasn't, he was sure of it, because any fire that might have lived inside of him had died long ago, and if there were any embers left, they were buried under so much ash and soot they'd be impossible to find, and besides, who would want to stoke the embers and make that fire burn again, make him live again? Because Yamagawa didn't want him and everyone only needed him because he was good at what he did, and nobody needed Kiba because he was Kiba, and he would never allow himself to become Gama-Sen'nin. Never ever ever.
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Posted: Fri Oct 06, 2006 1:40 pm
Yamagawa closed his eyes and took a deeppanickyshudderingdon'tpanic breath, feeling that suddenly it was so very hard to suck in air through his seemingly frozen lungs pressing hard against his ribcage and cracking.. Maybe he should stop breathing. Maybe he could stop breathing because breathing hurt and if he stopped breathing and if he went away then maybe it would stop hurting and stop hurting Kiba-san because it was all his fault that Kiba-san was hurtbleedingsadcolddeadnothing and it was all because of Yamagawa.
He really truly wanted for Kiba-san to get his something back because he needed that biggapingempty nothingness inside him to go away. He wanted the nothingness to go away, but not like this. Because Kiba-san wasn't nothing and he was something and it was because he was something that Yamagawa needed him so sososososomuch and why can't he see thatwhywhywhy?
He wants me to.. The thought occurred to the redhead as he mutely dumbly watched the line of red forming itself blooming blossoming over on the pale thin sososo vulnerable sort of skin of Kiba-san's inner wrist, his gaze following up the arm to his shoulder and involuntarily flinching at the purplegreenredvivid marks on Kiba-san's neck before meeting his goldenbeautifullyslitted eyes again, trying so desperately to breathe and stop shaking and memorize everything about Kiba-san's face because he didn't need him so Yamagawa had to go away..
"No," Yamagawa gasped out with just as much spare air he could muster because his lungs were tighter than ever before and there was a lump in his throat that he could only take shallow gasps of forced breath, and everything hurt and didn't hurt because because Kiba-san was hurting sososoverymuch more than he was because he had killed Kiba-san. That was the only word he could think up that would be fitting the extent of what he possibly ever could and did. It wasn't broken or sad or angry or anything and it was sosososoverycoldanddead so Yamagawa had killed Kiba-san.
"No," he said it again, just because that was almost the only thingonlysound he could make apart from crying heaving sobs that were building up in his stomach and he couldn't wouldn't cry because this wasn't time. He.. he had to.. --had to what? he couldn't bring back somebodies from being dead-- For once, Yamagawa was stuck for any sort of idea on.. on how to bring Kiba-san back because he was dead and Yamagawa had never ever managed to bring anyone back from being dead and it wasn't right but.. but he had to and he would, even if it meant that Kiba-san would hate him even more afterwards, because he needed Kiba-san to be around. As long as Kiba-san was around then Yamagawa didn'tcaredidn'tmindmaybealittle if he never ever got to see him again ever but as long as he was would be has to be back..
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Posted: Fri Oct 06, 2006 5:33 pm
He wasn't going to do it.
The realization hit Kiba with the force of a hundred bricks slamming into his chest. All the air just whooshed out of him, shoulders slumping almost dejectedly, even though that wasn't one of the emotions flickering across his eyes. Yamaga wasn't going to do it...which Kiba didn't at all understand because wasn't this what Yamagawa wanted? For the nothingness to go away? Then why was he so hesitant to actually make him go away?
"No?" No word slipped quietly from his mouth as though it were a foreign idea, something he'd never heard of nor explored before. Like Kiba was a little child wh'd found out that along with 'yes' came 'no' and was now trying to abdorb the idea that he couldn't get everything he wanted. It was strange, being denied something so strangely simple like this, because it was so simple and smallly insignificant, so what was the problem? No one's lives would be majorly impacted if he died; they'd go 'Oh, Kiba, he's dead? Okay,' and they'd go about their day. So...so what was the problem?
"No," Kiba repeated, somehow trying to confirm the word's exsistance. He gave Yamagawa a purply puzzled look, tilting his head to one side like a different angle make make the situation clearerbettereasiertounderstand. "I see." Without taking his eyes from Yamagawa's, he blinked, feeling something almost akin to nervousness rising up in his throat because if Yamagawa wasn't ging to do iit, then that meant that Yamagawa wanted him to do it but he couldn'tdidn'twantto understand the tears will dropping down Yamagawa's face because they made him nervous and uncertain and hurt and he couldn't be any of those because he had to be clearheaded to do this if Yamagawa wasn't going to and...
"...why...?" Because he needed an answer even though he was so afraid of getting one, and he didn't know howwherewhen to find one on his own because al the answers were so far when he was on his own. Still wearing a shade of puzzlement, he slowly drew his hand back into his lap, resisting the burningachingneedydesireurge to rub the blood line off his wrist, because it hurt and if he was so baduselesspointless that everyone wanted him to die then he deserved the pain, deserved every bit of it. He just wantedneededcraved everything to stop, to just have everything fade away into nothing with no past or present or future or anything so he wouldn't always be left alone like he had been and was and even though Yamagawa was still right here he was still so alone because Yamagawa didn't want him and had pushed him away because Yamagawa had seen his uglydarkdeepdeepdeep emptiness, and if Yamagawa didn't want Kiba's emptiness then no one else would but he wouldn't become Gama-Sen'nin, he wouldn't!
Trembling more than he would have liked --he had to be calm and cool and trembling wasn't either-- Kiba leaned over, supporting himself with one arm while the other hand reached out, fingertips brushing the paleclenchedwhite knuckles of Yamagawa's fisted hand. "Then give it back," he murmured softsoftsoftly, face turned away from Yamagawa's, head hovering just under the other's chin. If he didn't look, didn't see Yamagawa's face, maybe the unexplained nervousness would go away and he'd be calmcoolicy again and it'd be fine because he could do this and all he needed was the glass... "...just give it back..."
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Posted: Fri Oct 06, 2006 6:56 pm
silentserene [ [ ooc: hellllooooo~ Benadryl & lunatic! and everyone else~!! i'm sooooo sorry that i haven't RPed in like... forever! crying i have too much hw and projects and currently have 7 commissions and a big library volunteering project where i make a murder mystery! i thought it'll be really fun and cool so i'm writing all the scripe and the story and everything and have absolutely no time to roleplay with you guys. The only time would probably be during a break or something.
To the new members, THANK YOU FOR JOINING and i really hope you'll have the best time RPing in my roleplay! :3
if you guys need me please PM me as i check my mail once or twice a week. thank you sooooooooo much~!! heart ] ] [[OOC: I know the feeling! Class has been hectic to say the least! Did Bluenightengale ever reply? If so, please repost!]]
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Posted: Fri Oct 06, 2006 7:11 pm
"...why...?"
Why? Why what? Why can't Yamagawa do it? Why couldn't he feel? Why did he kill Kiba-san? Why was he crying? Why what? Because Yamagawa didn't know the answer to any of those questions, whichever one that Kiba-san could possibly have meant, and he had always known an answer any answer to anything any kind of question but now he couldn't answer why and Yamagawa was all of a sudden so veryverycoldchilledshiveryscared because it was not knowing all over again and he was back to when he was a no-one --but he wasn't back because he still was will be forever a no-one-- and it was so so incrediblycolddarkdeepcold and he didn't know why..
"--I don't know." Because he honestly, genuinely didn't know and because Yamagawa couldn't lie ever ever for the heaviness dragging him down thedarkdeepemptygapinghole and even though he so desperately wanted to lie --he hadn't ever wanted to lie so badly before, not since the dark room alonewaitingwaitingforeverhepromised-- and even though he wanted the notknowingness the darkness emptiness to go away he couldn't lie about it..
And it was getting so very hard to concentrate and talk and trying to answer the question which he didn't know the answer for and keep breathing because it felt hotheavydarkcrashingdownpressure and it was even harder trying to keep the cryingscreamingtearsbreakingtearing and Kiba-san was looking at him like that and it was even harder so Kiba-san shouldn't look at him like that shouldn't look so dead and cold. It made the emptydarksmokyfoggy tendrils rise inside the redhead and choking him killing him eating away nagging laughing jeering crying athimwithhim and.. and it was just too much like what he was like just before and Yamagawa didn't want him didn't want it back in him didn't want it to ever come back ever because it killed Kiba-san and he killed Kiba-san because it was him.
But, the voice said and Yamagawa couldn't help but hear it because it was him and it was sososoveryloudechoing and he couldn't stop it even if he screamed so loud because it was inside him inside everywhere anywhere, he wouldn't be able to look at you like that if you take away those pretty eyes of his.
Kiba-san's coldcoldsoftpale fingertips brushed his knuckle and Yamagawa involuntarily flinched, feeling the brushing touch like a cracking of whip across his skin and it hurt and.. and.. and Kiba san shouldn't couldn't do this to ushimyouit. Because.. because he was looking looking at him like that again and he was he wasn't wantinghimneedlinghim at all like whathowwhy Yamagawa was wanting Kiba and it wasn't never ever fair. Yamagawa heard the childishcolddemanding voice echoing fading growing inside the gaping hole in him, and he slowly tightened his hand around the glass, almost relishing the sharp stinging bursts of pain because it was sososomuchless than what Kiba-san what he was feeling..
"---can't," it was like he wasn't himself Yamagawa wasn't himself anymore because there was that cold pitcellhole openingupsuckinghimin and spewing out the darkness wrapping around his handarmslegsmoutheyessoulmind and he couldn't stop wouldn't stop and he wanted to stop Kiba-san from looking at him with those deaddeadcolddead eyes and it would be so easy to take them away right? "--I-" his hand was shaking he was shaking and Kiba-san was so close comecloserdon'tcomecloser and Kiba-san shouldn'tcouldn'tcan'tnotever because Yamagawa was not Yamagawa anymore and it hurtsosososomuch and he never wanted Kiba-san to be this hurt..
The redhead couldn't stop wantedittostopwantedhimtostop his arm jerking upwards and clutching almost for dear life at Kiba-san's shoulder, almost like he was going to drown he was drowning and heneededwantedKiba to be here --nodon'tgoawaygetawayIcan't-- and he needed Kiba-san's eyescoldeyesgazedeadness to go away nohecouldn't.. Yamagawa let out a small confused pained sort of whimper, his entire form shiveringshudderingshakinghurt.. "I can't.."
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Posted: Fri Oct 06, 2006 9:50 pm
Can't.
Can'tcan'tcan'tcan'twon't...
Kiba let himself be pulled back, hands falling limply to his side, not bothering to resist the grip on his shoulder. Why resist, when it wouldn't matter? Yamagawa was just pushing him away again, just like everyonealwaysallthetime so it didn't matter and he shouldn't try to fight the inevitable and he'd always be alone but not for long because if he couldn't get the glass Yamagawa had he had lots of beakers and the floor was hard so it wouldn't be too hard to get a hundred little sharp shards. And making poisons was his hobby. He had the toxins stockpiled, it wouldn't be too hard to down one of them in orange juice or something.
"Can't?" he questioned softly, letting his eyes slip shut so it wouldn't hurt to see hurtingcryingdying Yamagawa. "Or won't?" There was a difference. Because 'can't' meant that Yamagawa had some...some moral obligation not to give him the glass back, and 'won't' just meant that Yamagawa didn't want to do it himself. Which was fine. Kiba knew exactly where to trace --he was a doctor, he knew these things-- and he knew how deep and about how long he'd have before he passed out and all he needed was the glass so he had to get it back from Yamagawa or else he didn't think he'd be able to despite all his resources because that glass piece had been inside him just like Yamagawa had so it was allowed to hurt him because Yamagawa had so they were the same and were allowed to do the same thing to him because they were the same, they'd both been inside Kiba, and it had hurt so they were the same.
He still didn't understand why Yamagawa was being so hesitant. Yamagawa wanted him to go away, right? Because he was nothing, and nothing was baaad, so he had to go away because he was nothing and was hurting Yamagawa. And the last thing he'd wanted to do was hurt Yamagawa, because Kiba still somehow liked him and it hurt to like someone so much but it was okay because in a little while all the hurt would go away and it wouldn't matter ever ever again because nothing would ever be able to touch him ever again because he'd just...fade away, fade into the nothingness he'd always been and it would be okay. He just...he needed the glass that had been inside of him so he could take the hurt out because he was almostprettycertain that if he tried with anything else it simply wouldn't work, it was just a funny feeling he had that he didn't understand but was willing to follow if the hurting would stop.
And...and if the hurt didn't matter, then nothing mattered, so it was okay to do whatever because it didn't matter, right? Because...because even if it had something behind it, it wouldn't matter because all of his something was nothing so whatever he did would have nothing behind it and he was going to die anyway soon right? So it'd be okay to do anything because it wouldn't matter because it'd have nothing behind it because he was nothing.
This in mind, he slid his eyes back open, his cleannotcutnotbleeding hand coming up to hover less than a centimeter from Yamagawa's cheek, moving and flowing the curve of the skin without actually touching it. A little dreamily, feeling soveryfarfarfaraway like he was watching a movie or something, he felt himself lean forward, brushing their lips together, the touch so faint it was more a whisp of breath than an actual touch, but the kiss, faint as it was, was still there.
And it didn't matter. It didn't matter that he had just kindofmaybekissed Yamagawa, and it didn't matter that maybesomehowsomewhere one of those hidden burieddeepdeepdeepdown embers had stirred and possibly moved and lighted up one of the other deaddying coals around it so that maybe there were more little embers. It didn't matter because nothing mattered because he was doomed to be Gama-Sen'nin and he wasn't allowed to have anyone close which was why it was okay because no matter how much he wanted it to it didn't matter.
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Posted: Fri Oct 06, 2006 10:13 pm
Can'twon'tcan'twon'tdon'teverdothatcan'tdoitwon'tdoitIcan't..
"--can't," The redhead gasped out, another one of the stupidlittlestupidhotwarm trickle of tears overflowingspillingdown his cheek and his lungs were now doing some sort of convulsingshakingseizingup inside his chest and it was so sososo hard to breathe and why did he even bother breathing when it hurt so much and Yamagawa wanted to just stop breathing stop hurting stop existing at all because if he existed than he hurt Kiba-san and he already had hurtkilledscared Kiba-san and he never ever wanted to be close enough to Kiba-san ever again so that he would never ever be able to hurt him killhim because he could't stop him from breaking Kiba-san because it was sosososomehowsomuchstronger..
"--won't." Because Yamagawa couldn't hurt Kiba-san because he didn't ever want to touch Kiba-san see Kiba-san feel Kiba-san ever again so that he would never hurt him and he didn't want to have even the possibility of him killing Kiba-san again ever. And he wouldn't ever hurt Kiba-san if he could ever help it and he would help it because rightrightrightafterthis after Kiba-san was backbacktonormal --how?-- then Yamagawa was going to go gogogoout of here out of Kiba-san out of himself and it would all be better so so so much better because then it won't hurt this much he wouldn't hurt anyone and--
The rest of the thoughstearsfeelings died and faded and shrivelled away into nothingemptyness -- but a different sort of darkemptiness because it was somehow warmdarkness -- as the redhead felt somethingwindbreathlipsKibasofttouch on his lips, the tearstreakedfacegreen eyes shooting up surprisedpainedconfused to meet Kiba-san's slitted goldenyellow. The voice died and everything died and faded and got sucked into a void of warmnothingness as the redhead gulped, his grip still tight on Kiba's shoulder and the glass shard and it was sososoconfusing..
[[gah! parents!]]
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