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 Posted: Wed Oct 04, 2006 6:31 pm
No.
Yamagawa had to almostalmostsoveryclose bite down on his lips and instead closed his eyes and sucked in a quiet slow lungful of air because Kiba-san was lying again and digging deepdeepdarkprobing hole inside Yamagawa because that's what everyone wantedneededtoknowabouthim so they lied and probed and stuck holes into him but he couldn't let them so he hated lying and now Kiba-san was lying and that hurt.
It hurt more than the other prodding and probing but Yamagawa didn't know why it hurt more or how or where it hurt but what he knew he did and that was to stop Kiba-san lying to him because Yamagawa couldn't stand it. He would brush off everyone else's lying and digging and nudging and trying to get him to go just in their direction and he could handle that just fine, but just not Kiba-san's because.. Because he knew and Kiba-san knew and they both knew it wasn't true or right or anything but Kiba-san still did lie and.. and Yamagawa didn't understand..
The redhead's grip on the other's shoulder flexed and loosened just a tiny bit of a fraction, as a soft question forced itself out from between Yamagawa's lips. "--Why?" Why are you lying why does it hurt why do I care why should I why should you lie why do I like you just why.. It wasn't right, something wasn't right and Kiba-san didn't seem at all to want Yamagawa's help and he didn't want Yamagawa here and he didn't need Yamagawa and it hurt because.. because.. "...please.."
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Posted: Wed Oct 04, 2006 7:21 pm
Kiba closed his eyes, trying to block out everything in front of him and behind him and all around him. He just...he wanted to not feel anything because feeling was hurting so much and maybe if he was numb and everything was just far, far, far away then it wouldn't hurt so much because he'd be numb. It wasn't working, though, because even with his eyes closed he could feel Yamagawa's breath washing over his neck, could still feel that tingle of Yamagawa's hand in his chest. Even without looking he could just sense the other, and it was too distracting because Yamagawa was too close and he couldn't breath or think or close himself off because Yamagawa was inside him and his walls were supposed to keep people out who weren't in already...
"...stop..." It was a plea that barely sounded in the air, but he knew that Yamagawa heard it because Yamagawa's ear was so close to his mouth that it wouldn't have been possible for the redhead not to hear. Because Yamagawa was so close and inside him so he needed Yamagawa to go away and just stop tearing him apart like this even though it wasn't physical tearing but totally emotional tearing and it hurt.
He just wanted...everything to stop. Stop feeling, stop thinking, stop breathing, stop being so close and invaded...because Yamagawa was making him so confused and hurt and scared and he didn't know what to do so he wanted it to stop so he wouldn't hurt anymore and he couldn't... He wanted...so many things right now. For it all to stop, for Yamagawa to go away, for Yamagawa to stop toying with him, for...for just the whole wide world everywhere to stop and leave him in some sort of floating limbo where nothing moved forward and nothing moved back so there was nothing and that would be perfect but he couldn't because Yamagawa wasn't stopping...
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Posted: Wed Oct 04, 2006 7:42 pm
"...stop..."
Yamagawa had heard it. He had heard every gasp, every breath of air, every soft frantic low heartbeat of Kiba-san under his fingersskinbodyeyes and he likedlovedscaredIdon'tknow all the little bits he could pick up, because all those little bits somehow made up Kiba-san in a massive big sort of jigsaw puzzle and..and Yamagawa had to know everything everywhere anything about Kiba-san so that he could pick up the pieces afterwards and put him back together and he'll be back and perfect and not like this new Kiba-san who lied and hated and bit and wanted him to go away..
He had heard Kiba-san, heard and felt and memorized the soft puff of air past his ear and the slight shaking and anything and everything because.. because Yamagawa needed to know. He needed the barely-there warmth and the soft light and the pleasanttinglyeasy feeling he got with Kiba-san and he needed it as much as he needed air and breath and food because he needed someone and wanted someone around that.. who could make him feel even in a slightest of ways that wasn't hurting or cracking or digging, just.. just that weird warm feeling that he didn't know what but he knew he wanted it and Kiba-san had it and now it was gone..
"..Where?" The redhead muttered, lips brushing against the paleflutterygreen hair and sosososoveryclose and he wanted the feeling back again but all he got was coldflathardwallness and the hate and fear and.. and Kiba-san wanted him to go away.. His hand was shaking faintly as he pressed the palm of his hand against the back of the other's ribcage, splayed fingers against the hardscratchy spine and the delicatelittle sticks of the ribs and pressingpinningstopping Kiba-san against the wall and Yamagawa wanted the feeling back so maybe if he crackedbrokedown the wall and everything then maybe it'll be there. "...where is it?"
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Posted: Thu Oct 05, 2006 6:18 am
He...it...tooclose! He felt the wall against his back, the floor under his feet, the warmth of the air, but it didn't matter because he couldn't breathe and Yamagawa was tootootootootooclose and if he tried to breathe he'd just breathe in Yamagawa's air and scent and essence and that wouldn't be good because then Yamagawa would be inside him even more than he already was and it hurthurthurthurthurt so much that he was sure his heart would burstbreakshattercrumbledie if Yamagawa didn't leave but Yamagawa wasn't leaving and it hurt that he was being violated like this by someone he had liked so much and still maybe even did and he couldn't do anything about it.
"Stop," Kiba whimpered, hating himself for the way his voice shook and hating Yamagawa for putting it there. Maybe Chou-chan was right. Maybe...maybe if he just concentrated hard enough he could pretend that nothing was happening and that this wasn't happening and that everything wasn't spinning out of his control because it wasn't fair that he couldn't control himself when Yamagawa was insidetooclosecan'tbreathe and it hurt so much and he didn't know why because he'd never hurt this much before, never had anyone close enough to hurt him this much before, even though he knew it wasn't totallycompletelyalltheway Yamagawa's fault, but if he blamed himself he'd just be proving howmuchithurt and that would only hurt more so he couldn't do that... "Stop..."
He kept his eyes shut, not wanting to seehearfeeltouchtastesmellsense Yamagawa anymore, because it hurt and everything hurt but he didn't know why anymore, maybe he'd never known why, but it didn't matter because Kiba didn't matter. Where did it hurt? Everywhere and nowhere at once, and he was weakvulnerabletrappedscared right now and he couldn't do anything about it. Maybe if he provoked Yamagawa the redhead would tear his heart out because maybe if he didn't have a heart then everything wouldn't hurt this bad only he didn't know what words would do that and what words would do something else and he didn't know what to say at all anymore and it hurt.
And maybe it would matter. Maybe he could tell everything to Yamagawa, everywhere it hurt even though it didn't hurt anywhere because Kiba wasn't anything. And maybe he could tell and Yamagawa would listen and care but maybe he wouldn't and would just throw everything back in Kiba's face and it was too risky, he couldn't chance that, even...even though...even though he could feel tears welling up under his eyelids and forcing their way down his cheeks because he was soafraid that Yamagawa would look inside him and see nothing because Kiba was nothing and would leave and that hurt sososososo much so he couldn't say anything...
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Posted: Thu Oct 05, 2006 1:09 pm
He felt more than heard something visibly crack inside Kiba-san as he ran his hands over down the length of the spine, shifting so that now his elbow was against the other male's shoulder and pushing back, back into the wall and pressing down on the delicate bone of the collarbone and it would be so easy to snap it right now. There was an unguarded, totally unexpected moment where a spark of warning burst out from behind inside Yamagawa's head and a surge of panicwhatishedoingtoKiba-sanstop, but he couldn't. He couldn't stop ever never ever because it wasn't going away the voice the hurt wasn't going away and Yamagawa needed it to go. He needed it to go so everything will be back to normal and Kiba-san wasn't scaredhurtbreakingangrycrying anymore and then maybe this weird feeling in Yamagawa would go away once Kiba-san was better again.
His other hand found Kiba-san's prettyprettylongapplegreen hair almost at the same moment as his prying fingers grasped one of the delicate thin soeasilybreakable bones of the ribcage, and he searched out for Kiba-san's face, because he needed to see, needed to know where it hurt.. Because, because.. the voice was talking to him again and he didn'twant couldnt'want the nastycoldness in his head because it was scaring him too maybe just a tiny bit and it was scaring Chou-chan and Kiba-san and just everyone and he scared everyone and..
"Does it hurt, inside?" Yamagawa was only half-aware of the words falling from his lips, just as he was aware of the hint of tears on Kiba-san's cheeks and why was he crying when he was fixing him? "...Because it hurts me too, here." His fingers --sodangerouslyhardpressuregrippingsnappingtheribs-- found the pattering beat of the heart again, the warm slickness and the almost panicky wave of all that blood and the heat and.. and the life inside it. Yamagawa was breathing in steadily, memorizing Kiba-san's smelltouchtaste because he had to remake reconstruct Kiba-san and it would be good because Kiba-san was all fixed..
"It hurts.." He scared everyone. He scared even himself, and it was all the more frightening becaus he couldn't stop and those eyes those stares, they were all more layers of heavyheavythickness that piled up inside him and dragging him down even more into the darkcolddepths where there was nothing but the hurt and the voice and hedidn'tlikethevoice..
....why?
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Posted: Thu Oct 05, 2006 3:30 pm
It felt like there was some sort of pressure, inside his chest forcing the air out of his lungs, so that only the briefest gasps of air kept him from passing out completely. Like...like someone had tied a stone or something to his chest, keeping him from drawing a full, deep breath and keeping him in a constant state of lightheaded dizziness, but still conscios enough to know exactly what was going on in front of and around him. Which didn't, Kiba mused surprisingly clear-headedly, make much sense, because there was only Yamagawa in front of him and Yamagawa wasn't even pressing down on his chest.
But...but maybe it was Yamagawa. Maybe not the actual person, but that creepyweirdbizzare thing that changed Yamagawa and now seemed to be rolling out of him in oily waves. Maybe it was that thing that was keeping him from breathing and thinking clearly, because if he was able to get a few good breaths in and clear his head of the dizziness, then he could maybepossiblyprobablynot think of a way out of this so that Yamagawa would go back to normal and everything would be fine again. But...but he couldn't because it was so hard to breathe so he couldn't think and all he could do was try to not make Yamagawa too angry because he didn't want to hurt anymore than it was and...
"Can't..."
The word slipped out quite unintentionally, he hadn't meant for it to come out when it flashed in front of his eyes, but it had so now he had to elaborate, or he was sure something would happen because this other Yamagawa was so...unpredictable and everything could send him off on a bone-breaking tangent, for all Kiba knew. And the last thing he wanted for for Yamagawa to start getting bone-snapping-happy while he was still inside Kiba.
"You can't," he whispered, opening his eyes just partly to peer at Yamagawa through his lashes, the other Yamagawa who made it so he couldn't breathe, "fix," because it was, it was those oily waves that swamped his nose and mouth and pressed down on his chest and kept the air from getting to him fully, "me." He gasped out the last word, shuddering, then shut his eyes again, tears still falling down his cheeks, not wanting to see how this would make Yamagawa react. He was sure he'd feel it, whatever the reaction was.
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Posted: Thu Oct 05, 2006 4:00 pm
"Why not?" The redhead gritted his teeth and the strange redyellowwhitestrange light flickered flared inside his head inside his mindbodyeverywhere, the grip on Kiba-san's hair tightening almost painfully. It was almos a childish question why can't I do what I want to do and even though it was Yamagawa speaking but at the same time it wasn't because this was the Yamagawa now and it was eating away at his mind and he wasn't sure if he could bring the otherbetterhappier himselfYamagawa back because everything was this voice, he was this voice, and it wasn't letting him go not ever even though it scared him and it scared Kiba-san and he didn't want Kiba to be scaredcrying but he couldn't stop it..
"Why?" His hands were shaking and his shoulders were shaking and Yamagawa couldn't help but let that small tremor travel down his arm down his fingers and he clutched down on the sleekhotness beating of Kiba-san's heart because why can't I fix you I have to.. He leant forwardclosermuchmore and leant his cheek against the other male's, feeling the hotcoldwarm trickle of tears against his own skin and watching his breath stir the pretty locks of hair and wondering vaguely confusedly shakily just why was Kiba-san crying because he is only trying to help Kiba-san but why..?
Why can't I make it better?
A sort of hollow cold hard emptyness seemed to open up deep inside Yamagawa and cracking along his bodymindsoul and the redhead whimpered unintentionally, his hand tightening around Kiba-san's hair and clutching almost desperately because he was going to drown and he couldn't because all he could see was deep deep deep darkness and he would go down and never come back up and he had to stay here so he could fix Kiba-san.. "I need you," The redhead half-sobbed out as he drew closer to Kiba-san, eyes closed tightly and shoulders shaking because he needed stay afloat and right now all he could feel was Kiba and Kiba needed to keep him afloat and Yamagawa didn't want to disappear.. "I need you to be normal again."
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Posted: Thu Oct 05, 2006 5:03 pm
The pain flared up in his chest again, making him convulsively clutch at Yamagawa's arm so he wouldn't collapse while the white lights danced in his eyes, and Kiba knew he had said something terribly horribly wrong but he didn't know what because he had only said the truth. Because Yamagawa couldn't fix him because there was nothing to fix because Kiba was nothing. But maybe Yamagawa didn't want to hear truth he had to offer, because god-knew Kiba didn't want to hear his own truth, so why should Yamagawa want to? His truth was icky and dark and empty and maybe nobody would ever want to hear it because nobody wanted the burden of that emptiness and Kiba wouldn't ever subject it onto anyone ever, not if he could help it.
He didn't mind the tuggingnaggingpulling at his hair. It took his mind off the hurting everywhere else. Because...Yamagawa's voice sounded so...so broken and Kiba really wanted to fix it because he liked Yamagawa and never ever wanted to see him like this again and would have gone back to himself from Before if he could have, but he couldn't because he was so empty and Yamagawa was so terribly close to him that he'd never be able to hide from the redhead ever never again.
The rational, we're-going-to-die-so-why-fight-it part of his mind calmly thought out, in big, bold typewriter letters that darted and wove across his vision in dizzying waves, Let's go away. He would have, gone far far away so he wouldn't have to burden anyone with his emptiness, maybe go and become some sort of snake hermit --Gama-Sen'nin-- doomed forever to be alone and alive. He would have, except Yamagawa was still holding his heart and body hostage and he couldn't very well leave without those two very two vital parts. Had he a death wish, he might have tried bolting before, but he was empty, not suicidal, and he knew how easily Yamagawa could 'slip up' and hurt something vital, being inside him like this.
"Be...cause," he managed to gasp, blinking back white spots and trying to focus, "there's...not..." focus beyond the suddenly blinding whiteness of Yamagawa's doctor coat because he was so sure that white spots weren't good to see at a time like this, "thing...in..." one last word, then he could stop everything, "...me..." Let it go he prayed, even though he didn't believe in any sort of god or higher diety. Maybe he was praying to the other Yamagawa, the one he knew, not this scaryoilydark Yamagawa. The other one, who had to be inside the darkness somewhere. Let me go...
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Posted: Thu Oct 05, 2006 5:33 pm
They were so very close, Yamagawa could feel -- what he could feel -- every single thing everything anything all of Kiba and he needed this he wanted this he had to feel Kiba-san because he was all and the only thing keeping the slynastyvoice away and he was the only thing keeping Yamagawa from sinking and drowning and everything hurt and Kiba-san was making it so so so very difficult because Kiba-san was hurting Yamagawa and it was so very hard to concentrate when you're shattering..
And there shouldn't not be anything because Yamagawa had something and everyone had something so Kiba-san definitely had to have something and nobody could have nothing especially not Kiba-san because Yamagawa needed him to have something. "There's something," Yamagawa's lungs felt tight and hot and it was so very all of a sudden really hard to breath in here, and his eyes closed as a soft puff of breath escaped from between his lips to stirwash against the other scientist's jaw and ear and the tears felt wetcoldsticky against his skin. A sudden forcible darkcoldslipperyness seemed to well up and threaten to burst out of him and Yamagawa tensed slightly, teeth clenched tightly and grip tightening outsideinside Kiba because he was sosososoveryscaredbutwhy?
"You have to have something.." Because he needed Kiba to have something and if he could prove that Kiba-san had something then it would justify everything everyhurteverytoucheverydarkwavesicknesstearseverything because he was doing all this all the pain all the hurt just for Kiba-san and he needed to know that Yamagawa was doing all this for him because.. because he was all of a sudden so very very scared that maybe it was true and Kiba-san wasn't lying and maybe there was nothing but it wasn't so very true since there was maybesoverylittleyes something inside Kiba-san. Yamagawa had to believe that something was in Kiba-san because.. because he couldn't stop being so close to Kiba-san and the only reason he could think up for it is because something was wrong and the only reason Yamagawa was this close to other somebodies was because they were hurt and broken and cracking and his stomach churned dangerouslysickdarkfeeling and.. and he had never felt like this before and so Kiba-san must be reallyreally hurt, right? "I need you to have something.."
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Posted: Thu Oct 05, 2006 6:33 pm
Another pained gasp floated from Kiba as the stars burst behind his eyelids again, collapsing his knees and making him stumble against Yamagawa, the force of the other's arm on his collarbone and shoulder the onlyonly thing keeping him upright. He didn't know what to do anymore because he so definately didn't want this to go on, this collapsyburninghttwisty pain snaking through his blood, driving daggers into his heartmindeverything. He couldn't tell if it was physical hurt or emotinal hurt but it hurt so much and he couldn't make it stop. But even though he didn't want this to keep going, wanted Yamagawa to let go, he couldn't lie anymore because Yamagawa was inside him and they were too close and Yamagawa would be able to immediately spot a lie that came from him if he tried.
"Nothing."
The word slid by in an icy sort of fog, trailing across his eyes in darkdarkdarkerthanblack color that contrasted so deeplynicely against the blinding white lights he was feeling, and it was only very belatedly that he realized it hadn't been just a thought, that he had actually spoken it out loud, because he couldn't hear that faint echo in his ears he always heard when he thought something. His eyes snapped open at the realization, because he'd said it twice so far and it had hurt and Yamagawa had hurt him, and this Yamagawa was so unpredictable and scary that he didn't know what would happen nw, because three strikes and you're out, and he was so deeplyscaredterrified that this would be the last chance, even though he didn't know if Yamagawa would actually do something stupid like kill him, because murdered scientists were so much harder to clean up after than murdered experiments.
That strangely calm part wondered, at quite the wrong time, why he had ever though Yamagawa normaler than everyone else. Because even though Yamagawa was happy and bright and loved pink, it was Metamorphoses, and everyone was strangedifferentalittleoff here, because otherwise no one would be able to survive. So he should have figured there was something off with Yamagawa too, should have known there'd be something, but he hadn't and now it was coming out and it was too unpredictable that he didn't know what to do anymore...and he was so deeply scared right now because Yamagawa's oilydarkcreepyscary darkness was taking over and it wasn't Yamagawa anymore...
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Posted: Thu Oct 05, 2006 7:09 pm
Something broke and shattered inside and even though it was strangely frozenly numb and painless, the next second everything seemed to explode all the painhurtshatteringness crashing down wash over away Yamagawa and couldn't Kiba-san hear it because it was so so very loud inside his head and they were so so very close so Kiba-san must be able to hear it since it's too loud for him to handle and he was sinking..
"You," a pained gasp slid itself out from the redhead's mouth as he staggered slightly before pusing Kiba back against the wall again, feeling the sharp pain shoot up from behind his eyelids and his stomach lurched and he felt like being sick but could't because something was lodged down his throat and he couldn't breathe couldn'ttalkdonothing around it, "can," and because it hurt and Yamagawa had never liked being hurt and 'he' had promised to not hurt him then he left and even though Yamagawa told himself he didn't care shouldn't care but it still hurt more because it was hadbeen shouldhavebeen a promise.
His fingers curled and tightened desperately against the hair Kiba-san's hair the beautifulprettyness seemingly chokingwrappingholdingtyinghim and the redhead could'tseecouldn'tbreathe and the black darkness was rising up like a huge huge wave inside and it was going to crash down and drag him down and he won't be able to breath ever never again and it hurt.. "--feel."
Kiba-san should be able to feel this because Yamagawa could feel the frantic pulse beat under the skin of Kiba-san's neck under his lipstongueteeth just likethesameness thudding of the heart his fingers were wrapped around on and he should be able to feel this because Kiba-san was scaredinpainfrightened before so he did feel pain and this was pain. Because Kiba-san didn't wantneedhave Yamagawa and that hurt so Yamagawa wanted Kiba-san to feel as much hurt as he was right now so that he would know how much Yamagawa was hurting and it would mean that Kiba-san would feel..
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Posted: Thu Oct 05, 2006 7:50 pm
It was wrong he was wrong everything was wrong because Yamagawa shouldn't be acting like this and Kiba shouldn't be acting like this either and they should both be like before when it wasn't like this but they weren't and it was wronger than wrong and he wanted it to stop but it wasn't going to because Kiba didn't know the words to make Yamagawa stop even though it hurt sosososo much.
And it did hurt. He wasn't denying that. He'd never denied that. He'd only lied about it, never said it wasn't hurting. And Yamagawa's teeth sinking into his neck did hurt, hurt more than anything else Yamagawa had as of yet done to him, even though he couldn't tell if Yamagawa had broken skin or not. But even if he hadn't, even if there was no blood right now, it still hurt sososo much and he couldn't stop the pained yell that slipped from his mouth, he couldn't stop it even if he had wanted to because it hurt so much.
He didn't know why it was such a problem, being empty, why being empty meant to Yamagawa that he couldn't feel. He did, he did feel everything, and everything hurt so much, even things that shouldn't because there were things that were good, but the good things always hurt because they never lasted long enough to be good. And he wantedwantedwanted everything to stop hurting, but Yamagawa didn't seem to understand that being empty didn't mean he didn't feel anything because he did. It all just hurt so he pretended so very much that nothing mattered or hurt or anything because being a hurting emptiness hurt more than anything else ever could. And it hurt moremoremore because it was Yamagawa doing it, it hurt so much that more tears slid out out of his eyes and he couldn't stop them didn't want tos top them, because maybe somehow if he cried, then maybe some of the hurt would go away and he might maybe somehow stop being so empty someday if the hurt went away...
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Posted: Thu Oct 05, 2006 8:26 pm
Kiba-san didn't get it. Kiba-san didn't get why Yamagawa wanted him to feel wanted him to see why he just had to have something inside that could feel and filled you. He didn't get why Yamagawa so so desperately needed Kiba-san to feel and make him feel, he didn't get why Yamagawa was pressingholdingontohim and he didn't get why he neededmusthaveto make Kiba-san feel just as much as he was right now because he was scared the darkness will eat his bodysoulmind and drag him down to the nothingness again and it was so empty and cold and nothing and Yamagawa knew that if he was stucktrapped down there again then he will die because he would be a noone again.
Because Yamagawa was and had always forever for eternity been a noone always trying to be someone and Kiba-san had never ever been a noone before so he couldn't possibly ever know having nothing and feeling nothing inside you and he so desperately wanted to feel because if you felt nothing then you were nothing and nobody cared about you and so he needed to be something because then he would people would need him just like he needed Kiba-san. Kiba-san had always been a someone and he mattered because someones could feel sosososomuchmore and Yamagawa didn't get why Kiba-san wanted to be a noone because noone was nothing..
"You have to," The redhead gasped because his head was swimming and he had definitely felt something even though he wasn't sure if it was hurtingpainbad or something else that was sparksbitterburning down his throat and pooling in the pit of his stomach but it was a feeling and Yamagawa needed to feel and fill the emptyness because being empty was being a nobody and noone and you were as good as being dead. Sometimes Yamagawa wondered if he could do what he could do because he was a nobody and nothing and so everything was nothing to him so that he could just slip his hands in and they wouldn't care because he was noone and nothing like a ghost or a wisp of smoke or something that faded away and it made Yamagawa scared because it made him think about whether he would wake up sometime someday latersoonmaybenoyes and he wouldn't be here. His knuckles were turning white where they were clutching almost desperatelyhelplesslyangrilybecauseKibadidn'tunderstand--and Yamagawa laid another sort of sharp stinging biting thing on the paleprettyskin, eyes closed tightly. "You can't ever ever be like me--"
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Posted: Thu Oct 05, 2006 11:00 pm
He hated this. Hated himself, hated Yamagawa and Chou-chan and everyone and everything. But most especially, he hated this Yamagawa, thse other person who was biting him and sending shards of burning white-hot light dancing painfully through his veins. And he hated himself, for being weak, for not being able to keep back the pained cry as Yamagawa's teeth met his skin a second time, for collapsing like that as his legs gave way, Yamagawa's tight grip on him the honest-to-god only thing keeping him up, hated himself for maybekindof liking it because it meant that he wasn't nothing because people didn't care this frantically and desperately about nothing.
And he hated that everything was out of control, falling apart in front of him. His perfect little world of wax was melting before his eyes because Yamagawa was toohottooclosetoointense and Kiba couldn't do a thing to stop it, wasn't sure if he really wanted to stop it, and that terrified him deeper than anything else so far had terrified him yet, because if he wasn't wanting this to stop even though it hurt so much, that meant that he wanted everything to be burned away, that he wanted to be laid open and exposed for Yamagawa, which he couldn't want because he was nothing and Yamagawa so clearly didn't like nothing, didn't like him, so it hurt and he could never let Yamagawa tear him open and see what was inside because there was nothing inside of him, he had looked so hard and he had found nothing.
"No," he beggedmoanedwhimpered, hating how pathetic his voice sounded ringing in his ears and how feeble the word really was, because it wouldn't stop Yamagawa. Kiba wasn't trying to say he didn't want to feel, even though he really didn't and that was more than the truth, he just wanted Yamagawa to stop because despite what Yamagawa thought, Kiba didn't need him like this this scary other Yamagawa who felt okay with digging around his insides and biting him into complete submission like this. He knew what the word meant, he just wasn't so very certain that Yamagawa could tell, because everything was happening too fast and it was so hard to explain anything and besides, it was the only word that seemed to fit around the pressure in his throat, choking him to death but keeping him so very much alive to just hurt more, and even though he didn't want to because he was so worriedscareddesperate about Yamagawa's reaction, he couldn't help but say it again and again, even though he knew it wouldn't do any good, wouldn't make Yamagawa go away and get out of him.
"No, no, no..."
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Posted: Fri Oct 06, 2006 12:26 am
No.
The whimpered word brushed past his ear but instead of fading lost harmlessly into the air it dove digging deep deep dark inside Yamagawa inside him and the redhead breathed in sharply at both the sharp cutting sort of sensation and the sound, the word at first only a faint spark but growing louder and louder and echoing as it seemingly reverberated multiplyingmagnifyingitself inside the great big dark emptiness gaping scar down inside himself and it was so loud he couldn't.. it.. he..
Yamagawa opened his eyes and saw himself. Or rather, an image of himself somehow blurring and fitting together with the tear-streaked painedscaredscaredofhim face of Kiba-san and the two couldn't look any different but as he watched they blurred and overlapped atop each other and he couldn't stand it. Because he was a noone and Kiba-san was someone and those two were not never ever the same thing because you couldn't be both something and nothing all at once because that meant that you existed but not exist, felt but not felt, alive but not alive and they were so so very different like two sides of a coin or black and white and that's why Yamagawa had been trying to feel because if you felt then you were someone and Yamagawa sosoverydesperatelyneeded to be someone.
But right now Yamagawa couldn't help see the gaping empty nothingness inside him blur with Kiba-san's something and everything was wrong and it shouldn't be couldn'tbe like this ever becaue it wasn't right didn'tmakeanysense. He saw the white steelybrightflash of scalpel and heard the voicesthelaughingcryingtalking again and the pale thin voice his voice beggingpleadingwhimpering no and the voices weren't stopping and he wanted them to stop because he didn'twantcouldn'tletthemhurthim but they weren't stopping and Yamagawa hated them needed to getridofthemhurtthemkillthem..
"No," Yamagawa let out a soft, breathlesspanickedsososoveryscared whimper and literally threw himself back as if burned away from Kiba-san, stumbling backwards and catching his side painfully in the corner of the desk but he didn'tstopcouldn'tstop because he had suddenlyabruptly seen himself and he was just like them just as disgustinghorrifyingdirtydarkbadhated and he didn't want this, couldn't and he couldn't live with himself anymore because he was just like them and he hurt Kiba-san. He hurthimscaredhimhurtKiba-san and now he hatedhim and Yamagawa hated himself and.. and..
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