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 Posted: Tue Oct 03, 2006 9:39 pm
There had been times, many times growing up, when Kiba had wished he had been born a rattler. Then he could warn people when they needed to back off and leave him the hell alone because there wouldn't be any subtley to it. He'd begin to rattle and they'd just know to leave, and so many times he he regretted not having one. This was one of those times he needed a rattle. Because Yamagawa just didn't get it. Kiba didn't want him here --lie-- or need him here --another lie-- or ever want to see him here again --the biggest lie of all-- so Yamagawa just had to leave hin alone.
He pressed himself even tighter against the wall, still hissing his warning, every muscle tight and prepared to strike. And stupid --stupidstupidstupid-- Yamagawa just didn't get it. He was sosososo terribly afraid that Yamagawa would see inside him and he would have everything exposed and open like an ugly wound and Kiba knew that if he was opened like that, if he had every laid out bare with nothing covering, he'd never be able to heal himself again, never be able to make that openess go away. And he...he couldn't do that to himself, he couldn't betray himself like that. He wouldn't let Yamagawa do that to him either.
But...Yamagawa was...reaching for him...
Faster than it took to blink, he lashed out. In fact, it wuldn't have even look like he had moved, except for a slight blurring of his form that might have been mistaken for a trick of the eye. That and the now bright scratch on Yamagawa's wrist were the only evidence he had moved. He had been aiming for the big vein there, but had just barely grazed the skin, so he was pretty certain that he hadn't injected any poison into the redhead's bloodstream, which he was so terribly grateful for. He didn't want to kill Yamagawa --that would hurt so much worse than this was hurting now-- just wanted to warn him to back away and go.
Just leave me alone like always...
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Posted: Tue Oct 03, 2006 10:20 pm
It all happened so quickly that he did not even have time to blink, and the next minute Yamagawa was standing paused poised seemingly frozen on the spot, his eyes slowly trailing down the length of his arm, past the expanse of brightbrightwhite material of the gown and--and there was the cut. It hadn't felt like a cut -- or should he have said bite because it wasn't exactly cutting since Kiba-san had used his teethfangssharp and.. and even though it didn't hurt and it wasn't bleeding or anything -- just slightly grazed and bright and swelling slightly, reminding him somewhat vaguely of the dog bite he had gotten a long long time ago when he wasn't careful and slipped slightly.
And.. and maybe this was the same because Yamagawa had done the same slipping past the comfort zone and somehow made Kiba-san angry and even though Kiba-san wasn't a dog it might be almost the same because Kiba-san was a snake and.. and he was angry and hurt and broken and cracking and Yamagawa didn't want anything to be cracking in Kiba-san because.. because he wanted everything to be normal and this wasn't normal--
So he needed to fix Kiba-san up so that he was all better and not cracking and not hurt and just all better so Kiba-san was not angry at Yamagawa..
Yamagawa's hand -- the cut shining brightbrightly on the pale skin and looking absolutelybeautiful though Yamagawa wasn't sure why -- trembled slightly, the fingertips coldcoldhotwarmcold and wavering and-- The redhead saw all this as a sort of very, very slow kind of blurry watery strange sort of slow-motion, as he wrapped one hand tightly around the other male's shoulder -- the one he had touched before, just before Kiba-san cracked even more and pulled away and now bit him even though it wasn't proper biting so Kiba-san might not be that sick after all but he still needed to fix him -- and all rather too easily slipped the other hand -- fingers feeling hot and cold then all too easily sinking in to Kiba-san's neck and brushing softly against the muscle and the throat and wrapping themselves around -- gentlygentlyhotwarmcoldhot -- the verterbrae, an almost-caress that was tooclosetoohotcoldbutitwasgood because he was fixing Kiba-san..
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Posted: Wed Oct 04, 2006 3:49 am
Nonononononononononononononononono!
Even snakes knew when there was danger, and knew when to fight and when to cede defeat. This was...it was... He had never been on the recieving end of Yamagawa's ghosty whatever-it-was, but he had seen it enough --enough meaning once or twice, which was enough to convince him that he never wanted to be on the recieving end-- and it wasn't like Yamagawa's ability was any big secret, because no one could do what he could do and Kiba had always thought that there was a bit of jealousy among some of the other doctors sometimes at Yamagawa's ability. Not Kiba, because Kiba was proud of his own abilities, but just...some of the others.
And he should have remembered. He should have remembered what Yamagawa could do. Because he had seen it, and the infrequent days he ventured out of his office, sometimes people talked about it with him, because they had the funny idea that he was somehow closer to Yamagawa which was just silly because he wasn't close to anyone, especially not Yamagawa, no matter how much the idea hurt, and...he should have remembered but he had been so angry and scared and terribly terribly jealous and that blue smoke was trying to eat away at his mind and he had just forgotten so now...he...
He was being raped.
It was the only word he could think of. Even though there was nothing sexual about the situation, Yamagawa was inside of him, and Kiba didn't want it but could do absolutely nothing about it which tantamunted to rape. And...and even though it didn't hurt at all --just a creepy tinglyness as something strange passed through corporal flesh and muscle-- it was still wrong and now he was absolutely powerless because Yamagawa was inside of him.
Eyes flashing, he glared at the redhead, holding back his hissing out of sheer necessity. Because Yamagawa had a weirdcreepybizzare look in his eye and Kiba wasn't sure what he would do if provoked any more, and it would be all too easy for the taller man too snap his neck from where he was at. Hands clenching and unclenching at his side, body literally strumming with nervous energy, he could do nothing but stand there because he knew he was in danger and he could do nothing about it.
"Get out," he whispered, tone flat with anger and fear. Get out of my body and my mind and my everything... "Just go." Because Yamagawa was --tooclosecan'tbreatheinsideofme-- doing the one thing he had never allowed anyone to get close enough to do --figuratively or physically-- and he was sososo scared he'd just break down, shatter everywhere and he'd never be able to fix himself again.
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Posted: Wed Oct 04, 2006 4:15 am
"...Why should I?" The redhead whispered softly, the tone almost almost bordering in between genuine childish innocent curiosity and.. and something else that was colder and flatter and indestructibly hard because there was that creepingsecretquietnasty voice again because it was whispering inside Yamagawa's head and why should I ever listen to you? Because there was something very so very wrong with Kiba-san and nothing should ever be wrong with Kiba-san ever because it gave him the same sort of weird funny tingly hurting kind of feeling just like it did when the otherChou came out and.. and maybe if he fixed Kiba-san then it would go away because... Kiba-san wasn't broken anymore.. right?
"...Why?" He repeated it again, the voice almost lost in the strange badgoodnicevelvety buzzing whispering inside his head, slipping his fingers down down and gently tracing the bumps and curves of the vertebrae -- because it was fragile and trembling and just so so delicate and it could shatter right now if he just let go a little and slip up into the waiting dark tendril foggyness.. and there would be red and it would be pretty because.. because Kiba-san had such pale skin and the pretty green hair and red would go really nicely with green, because he had red and green and so it would be really cool and awesome if Kiba-san had some red on him too, right?
It was always a curious sensation to pass your hand through someone else's body. You can feel the tendons and the muscles and every shifting of those soft flesh and under it, brushing just against your fingertips, would be the harddenserough greyness of the bones. You could feel he blood rushing past, the air being sucked in, if you concentrated. "Does it hurt?" He breathed against Kiba-san's prettyprettyhair -- because.. he liked green as much as pink and Kiba-san's hair was as pretty as Chou-chan's and they were both pink and green so.. so Yamagawa liked his hair -- and let go of Kiba-san's neck, the muscles and organs and al the other squishysoftwarmbits passing like ghostly half-solid touches as he softly knocked the back of his knuckles against the insides of the ribs.
Because.. if it still hurt, if Kiba-san was still wrong or cracking or broken or already snappingshatteredgone, then Yamagawa would and wanted to fix him. Because.. because then everything would be normal and Kiba-san will be happy because he was un-shattered and un-cracking anymore and he will fill all the crumbling shattering cracks because.. because then it'll all be fine..
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Posted: Wed Oct 04, 2006 4:41 am
Yamagawa's not letting go.
The realization hit with a sense of terror so strong he couldn't quite keep it from flashing through his eyes. Yamagawa wasn't letting go and Kiba couldn't stop it because he was suddenly so veryveryvery frightened of this Yamagawa he had never seen before, who was so willingly invading him because of some twisted justification only he knew about. And the fear was trying to choke him, layering his throat so that all he could do was gasp shallow breaths, but there was a strange sense of anticipation coating his tongue too, even though he didn't know what he was waiting for or even why he was waiting for it.
"Because," he murmured, in answer to the first question. Can't think, can't breathe, can't move... He was powerless and now all he had was his words, because he wasn't willing to move and subject himself to the Yamagawa who delighted in causing pain on the operating table. "Because I need you to." It was a poor argument that had little to no backing to it, but it was the only one he had, because he was scared and he just wanted to be left alone...
"Does it hurt?"
Yes. Yes, it hurt. Not the hand-in-chest part --like he said, that was just a strange tingle-- but the other part, the part deep and intangible that Yamagawa couldn't touch, could never touch because not even Kiba knew if he could reach that part of himself and he didn't really want to try because he was terrified that he would find some sort of ugliness that would destroy him from the inside out. He wanted to answer no, to make Yamagawa go away and the word was on the tip of his tongue but the lie wouldn't pass his lips and....
"Does it hurt?"
"...yes..."
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Posted: Wed Oct 04, 2006 5:01 am
Because I need you to.
The voice in Yamagawa's head paused, the green eyes half-closed behind the reading glasses and just staring blankdistantcolddarkflickering at some point right where Kiba-san's hair met and splayed against the wall because his hand was still in Kiba-san's chest and the other hand was on his shoulder and now the colddarksmokyfoggyness was taking over and he couldn't stop it rising up and breathing it in and it was filling him and now he couldn't stop even if he wanted to..
But.. but he knew Kiba-san was scared because he could feelitsmellittasteit, the dark rolling trembling sort of fear that was just tumbling out of the shorter male and.. and even though he so very much wanted to fix Kiba-san because he was broken, Kiba-san was scared.. Except the reason for this dark deep sudden fear was quite unknown to the redhead, it was so very intense that he could almost taste it in his mouth. His poised fingers gingerly resumed their aimless searching --butforwhat?-- meandering down, brushing past rather disinterestedly but still slow and wondering and memorizing, across the thicker but still soverydelicate spinal cord and.. and so very easily tracing the very tip of his forefinger against the artery of the heart, feeling the organ tremble under his finger.
"...why?" Why does it hurt? What hurts? How? Locks of hair tumbled softly down across his forehead as Yamagawa leant it against the other's shoulder, eyes closing softly. Why? Yamagawa wanted needed to know why it hurt, where it hurt, how it hurt, so he could fix Kiba-san up all better and good and not.. not like what he is now because Yamagawa wasn't sure if he liked the new Kiba -- like he wasn't sure if he liked the otherChou -- and.. and he wanted to bring the old Kiba-san back because.. because it was better..
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Posted: Wed Oct 04, 2006 5:22 am
Why?
Why what? Why did it hurt? I don't know. Why was he scared? Because. Why he so frightened about the thought of opening his soul to anyone? I just am. He couldn't think right, didn't know what the right answer was, and coldn't lie, not to Yamagawa, because Yamagawa was forcing himself inside of Kiba and raping him looking for something --he could tell Yamagawa was looking for something, he just didn't knoe what-- and he was still so powerless which he more than hated because he wantedneededcraved everything in his life under his control, because then he knew how everything fit together and worked and there would be any unpleasant surprises like Yamagawa...or himself.
"..." Something, anything there had to be something he could say. Something that wasn't necessarily the truth --because he didn't know the truth-- but wasn't a lie either. Wasn't...wasn't something that would inriminate him and destroy him. He needed...some sort of word to flow, because if he said the right thing he might pacify Yamagawa and the redhead might pull back out of Kiba and leave him alone just like he wanted but was so afraid of gaining. Only he didn't know what that 'right word' was because he didn't know what Yamagawa was looking for. If he knew that then he could show Yamagawa what he wanted so he'd go away, but...but he didn't know what Yamagawa was searching for...and he was a little worriedfrightenedscared of finding out because what if it was something he couldn't give, didn't have? What if Yamagawa was searching for some part of his soul and Kiba couldn't give it because he wasn't quite sure he had a soul? Because...you have to believe in something to have a soul, and Kiba didn't believe in anything. Because...faith will only fail in the end...it always did...
"...I don't know."
Safe enough, truthful enough...and yet so completely a lie. Because...he knew what was making him hurt. Chou-chan, and Yamagawa, and himself, and everything he had and was which he was pretty sure wasn't much because he didn't matter and never had and never would but it...it was all hurting. He just...didn't know why it was...
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Posted: Wed Oct 04, 2006 5:39 am
Not knowing.
Yamagawa didn't like not knowing. Not knowing meant an unknown and a giant big red 'X' and cold and hard and heavy and didn't never ever budge no matter how hard you pushed at it because he needed to know what was insidebehindjustbeyond the thinthickinvisiblelooming wall and Yamagawa hated not knowing because that meant he didn't know the answer to it and if he didn't know and other people did then it was a cracking weakness in him which he didn't like--
"Can.. Can I fix you?" The redhead's voice wavered and died and it was no more than a hoarse whisper but Kiba-san should have heard it because now they were so close together and Yamagawa needed to find what was hurting Kiba-san because.. because he somehow liked Kiba-san. Even though he hadn't thought much about it before, Yamagawa felt -- albeit vaguely and hazy and foggy -- that this weird tingly strange freezing feeling was almostalmostmaybeexactly the same as what he felt with Chou-chan and so it meant that he liked Kiba-san as well but Kiba-san didn't like him at all like a darksilentcold wall and.. and now he didn't like Yamagawa more and there was something wrong with the more-hating thing and he needed to get rid of it because he liked Kiba-san and if he got rid of it, then Kiba-san will like him too, right?
"I'll make it better.." And Yamagawa had to make it better because.. because Kiba-san was someone and experiments were not someones -- even though Chou was, a little -- and you were not at all allowed to make mistakes with someones because you couldn't get them back if they died, and Yamagawa wanted Kiba-san back all happy and nice and notangryatYamagawa so.. so he's not going to do anything badhurtingredness and he sososoreally wanted to make it better..
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Posted: Wed Oct 04, 2006 6:11 am
No...
If...if Yamagawa saw what was inside, then...nothing would matter, because Kiba was nothing, he was so sure of it. Because Kiba always felt empty, and things that were empty had nothing inside of them, and it was the kind of emptiness that was so big and dark and deep that nothing could fill it, and he didn't want to really leave but he wasn't ready to drag someone else down with him, especially not Yamagawa who he liked a lot but even that didn't matter because...because Kiba didn't matter and he knew it and everyone should know it because it was so glaringly obvious...
"There's nothing to fix," he said softly, too softly, and he wasn't lying because even though he wasn't fine, he wasn't broken either because he wasn't anything. And even though he reallyreallyreally wanted to believe that Yamagawa really could make it better --whatever it was-- he couldn't because belief needed faith and trust and Kiba had neither because to trust someone else you needed to trust yourself, and Kiba couldn'tdidn'thadn't trust himself in a long time --maybe even never. And he couldn'twouldn'tshouldn't drag Yamagawa down with him into that empty darkness, no matter how much he wanted to hold on and never ever let go so he'd never be empty and alone again.
And even if it meant that he'd be absolutelyterriblycompletelyforever alone the rest of his life, he'd neverevereverever drag Yamagawa down with him. And...he was pretty sure there wasn't anything long enough to bring him back. Because...there was nothing to bring back...no matter what else he wanted to believe...
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Posted: Wed Oct 04, 2006 11:26 am
His green eyes flickered again, the strange light in them crawling back out from the dark blackness that was tumblingrisingtwisting inside him. He.. It.. Kiba.. The hand, which had paused slightly and just tracing the spine while.. while before, flexed a little and came to wrap itself around the burninghotthrobbinggood warmth of the other's heart, feeling the brightbrightlightspark of life inside it and giving it a half-harsh jerk. "--Liar."
Lying.
Everyone always so always lied to him. They shouldn't lie because Yamagawa could't lie and if they lied to him then they were just taking advantage of him not-being-able-to-lie-ness and that would be bad because they'll lie and probe and dig inside him and that was a weakness so Yamagawa couldn'tdidn'twon't like people who lied.. He had never ever told this to anyone else's face before, not even when it was so glaringly obvious and not-so-subtle digging at Yamagawa's inside and..and even though this lying wasn't as bad as that numerousdarksilken lies, it was Kiba-san lying and.. and..
And it was too much like 'him' for Yamagawa to ever be entirely comfortable, so he went into the darkness to avoid the weird darksickscaredsadness and he liked it and he didn't mind that it sometimes overflowed like now and took over because.. because it was him. He had been with this for a longlonglongtoolong time, this sly snide whispering youarebetterthanothers and..and even though --onlysometimesverylittlesomuchredness-- sometimes Yamagawa got scared of this himself, it ws okay because he was trying to fix people, right? So.. so it was justified, right?
Besides, nobody ever had nothing to fix. There was always something that ate away at everyone's insides just like it was doing to him right this moment and--and so Kiba-san should have that same kind of something because Kiba-san said it hurt and something hurt inside him that Yamagawa should fix.. Nothing can't hurt. There should be a something..
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Posted: Wed Oct 04, 2006 4:06 pm
Kiba gasped and choked simaltaniously as white spots flared in front of his eyes from the sudden burst of pain in his chest, his hand spazzing upward to grab at Yamagawa's elbow. He could just barely see over the redhead's shulder Chou-chan, huddled under the window with his eyes shut tight and his hands clapped over his ears, as though everything would go away, if he just didn't see or hear it, and for a second Kiba wished he could be that innocent again, that naiive, that pure where nothing could hurt if he wasn't looking.
Shaking, he brought his eyes back to the green ones of his collegue's, that strangeweirdcreepybizzarescary light still flickering within them. He had said something wrong, so wrong, because he knew that Yamagawa had done something to make that pain spark only he didn't know what and he didn't know why and it was scary because he didn't know what Yamagawa wanted from him anymore. It had always been about that potion before, or maybe a little a little banter between two relatively close people --as close as people could be in a place like that-- and something had changed so horriblyterriblydrastically only Kiba didn't know what and now Yamagawa wanted to fix him but there was nothing to fix because he was nothing...
"I don't," he hissed through his teeth, "need," trying not to feel so very frightened, "to be," because this was Yamagawa, who he had always felt comfortable around and more-than-liked so he shouldn't be scared, "fixed." Even though he already was, could feel fear running through his body, pounding in his ears --or maybe that was just his own heartbeat he was hearing-- and he shouldn't be but he was so very afraid right now. Because he had always been so good at keeping people from coming inside of him, from getting too close, too connected, too attracted, and now Yamagawa held Kiba's heart in his hands --quite literally-- and was so much closer than anyone had ever been and it was just too much and...he wanted to just go back to the way it was before. When it didn't matter if he was broken or not because no one cared. B-because...because then...
...then Yamagawa wouldn't be so close.
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Posted: Wed Oct 04, 2006 4:36 pm
"--Did that hurt?" Yamagawa leant in closer as he whispered, almost shoulder-to-shoulder and sososoveryclose and..and if Yamagawa was normal again and if the naggingnastycold voice was gone right now then the redhead would somewhatmaybealittlealot be enjoying being this close to Kiba-san, but.. but he wasn't because the darkness was wrapping around him and eating at his mask and tearing away the walls and veils and..and all those things that he wantedneededhadtohave to stay normal..
His eyes didn't leave Kiba-san's yellowgoldenshiningslittedpretty eyes as the redhead slowly let go of the pulsingtremblingwarm heart and curled one of his fingers in around the artery, the other digits just resting patientlytremblingshakybutwaiting on the slick wet dark warm surface of the organ. He could feel the blood rushing past inside the vein, the soverywarmhot beautiful redness that would really look nice blossoming against Kiba-san's white gown and pale skin and the greenprettyapple hair, and.. and it would just be sososoverybeautiful..
And.. and he needed to know if it hurt because if it hurt then there was something in Kiba-san and.. and that's why people always felt because there was the same something inside them and.. and if Kiba-san hadn't had that something then it wouldn't have hurt and Kiba-san wouldn't be lying and he was lying.
"Because.." The green eyes flickered and closed and Yamagawa's hand slipped just so very ever so slightly slipped, the nails -- strangeghostlywhitefaintbutstillthere -- scraping lightly against the other male's heart before stopping abruptly. Because.. he needed someone to feel for him, because he couldn'tdidn'thadn't ever wanted to feel ever since 'he' went away and the darknessstrangescaryvoice came and.. and he didn't want to feel because it hurt and.. and he needed Kiba-san to feel for him because.. because he liked Kiba-san and he didn't like Kiba-san at the same time because Yamagawa wasn't sure.. He wasn't sure if he liked this scaredfrightenedbitingcoldflat Kiba-san, and.. and.. "Because.."
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Posted: Wed Oct 04, 2006 5:14 pm
Yamagawa was toying with him.
That was how Kiba figured it. Because if Yamagawa wasn't, he wouldn't have did the thing with his heart on purpose --because a person with his hand in someone's chest didn't just accidentally hurt someone like that-- and then asked if it hurt. Like he didn't know. But he wasn't going to do it, he wasn't going to rise to any sort of bait and be jerked around. Kiba was his own and no one's toy, not even Yamagawa's, and he wouldn't do it, he wouldn't say what Yamagawa wanted him to say.
Did that hurt? Yes, it had hurt, but he wasn't going to say it, because that was exactly what Yamagawa wanted him to say, and he wouldn't say it because he wasn't going to let anyone ever toy with him as he was so very certain Yamagawa was.
"N-" The rest of the little word died in a shuddery gasp at the feel of Yamagawa's nails scraping where the shouldn't be scraping. His grip in the redhead's elbw tightened reflexively as he closed his eyes, not wanting to look back into those murky green depths that weren't Yamagawa's anymore, but something else's that was just playing with him.
Because he had maybenothated the feeling, and he didn't like that at all, because it meant nothing and was nothing and he just wanted it to stop because it was hurting and not hurting all at once and it was getting so hard to breathe somehow with Yamagawa so close, much too much too close. Kiba's words weren't even reaching his mouth, just flashing across his eyes in a streamed jumble of can'ts and won'ts and shouldn'ts and he was so utterly powerless right now and it was more than horrible because he couldn't do anything except let Yamagawa toy with him because there was nothing else he could do...
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Posted: Wed Oct 04, 2006 5:38 pm
The.. It.. He.. Yamagawa couldn't remember what he was going to say, and it had been something important and about not hurting and something and he had most definitely felt that tightening and rapid fluttery beatingbreathing and the grip on his elbow and everything seemed to happen so fast but slow all at the same time at once going all around him and crowding his mind, and it knew. It knew that Kiba-san felt everything and everything Yamagawa did and even though the last time it had been more of an accident because he slipped and fell just a bit more into the darkdeepblacksuckinghole and.. and a part of him knew that whatever he was doing it hurt Kiba-san and he didn't want to hurt Kiba-san but he couldn't stop because to get fixed back up and happynewgoodbetter again, you have to get hurt, and that last time it most definitely did hurt.
"--no?" Their faces were sososososomuchvery close and Yamagawa had never really been this close with someone before and.. and this time too, the experiments didn't count because they were no-ones and Kiba-san was most definitely a someone and.. and Yamagawa hadn't ever been this close to Kiba-san which was somehow scary but fun and tingly and whywasheafraid all at once.. The green eyes flickered a little unsurely and the light shimmered and wentcameback and the taller male rested his forehead on the other's shoulder, breathing in the nicecoolwarm sort of strange Kiba-san-ness that was just green and hot and cool and.. and just Kiba-san.
"Liar." The one word, a single cold hard flat sound fell from his lips as he tightened his other hand's grip on the shoulder-forearm of the shorter man, though the other touch inside the chest -- he never knew how warm people'sKiba-san's insides were until he actuallyfinally cut up his first one; he never knew its name and he didn't care because it was a noone -- remained still and silent and unnervingly poised, his pulse beating to the same beat of Kiba-san's heart in his hand.
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Posted: Wed Oct 04, 2006 6:12 pm
He...had...to...to breathe even though Yamagawa was so close and was sucking up his air --he was, because Yamagawa was too close and Kiba couldn't breathe Yamagawa's air-- and he had to...try not to do or say or maybe even think the wrong thing because who knew whether or not Yamagawa could read minds? And even if he couldn't he was afraid that with Yamagawa being this close and this...this inside of him, he would let everything thought flicker across his face so he had to keep the wrong thoughts out of his head so Yamagawa wouldn't do anything else to him.
But...but he didn't know what the wrong thing was. He didn't know and he couldn't ask and he certainly couldn't just figure it out by looking at Yamagawa because Yamagawa was so chillycreepyscarydistant and wasn't revealing anything at all through his eyes or face or anything. So Kiba didn't know what he should or shouldn't say but he knew he had to say something because he didn't know what to do and Yamagawa was being so unrevealing...
He winced, not at the tight grip on his arm, but at the way the accusation dropped from Yamagawa's lips like a rock. The word just plummeted straight to Kiba's stomach and settled heavily, leaving a bitter taste in his throat because he knew it was true, sosotrue and he knew it and Yamagawa knew it so he couldn't deny it and he wasn't even sure if he should because he didn't know what Yamagawa wanted anymore.
"No," he whispered, though he wasn't sure if he was lying to Yamagawa or to himself. He was lying, he knew it even as the word slipped past his tongue, but he didn't know to who, and he wasn't sure he wanted to know. He didn't understand why this was happening, but even though he didn't want to say the totally wrong thing and be hurt anymore because he couldn't be numb he couldn't help but lie because he didn't understand why Yamagawa was worrying so much because Kiba was nothing and Yamagawa shouldn't care about nothing. And Kiba lied when he didn't understand something --to himself or to other people, he lied.
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