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Damn you Hulu and your "Only americans" policy! Dx

... talk2hand

Ok so I was on a cruise all this week and Nanao and I were sining stuff from thiss all the time...

LOL!!! Out for 20.

And we used up every picture on the internet.

I stole this off Neuf. Neuf, don't ask me how I got it, I just did. It's about a long list of rules made especially for one soldier in the army. It's long but funny as hell:

1. Not allowed to play Halo when he's supposed to be working.

2. His proper military title is “Lt. O'Mally” not “Princess Anastasia”.

3. Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic.

4. Not allowed to challenge anyone’s disbelief of black magic by asking for hair.

5. Not allowed to get silicone breast implants.

6. Not allowed to play “Pulp Fiction” with a suction-cup dart pistol and any other officer.

7. Not allowed to add “In accordance with the prophesy” to the end of answers he gives to a question an officer asks him.

8. Not allowed to add pictures of officers he doesn't like to War Criminal posters.

9. Not allowed to title any product “Get Over it”.

10. Not allowed to purchase anyone’s soul on government time.

11. Not allowed to join the Communist Party.

12. Not allowed to join any militia.

13. Not allowed to form any militia.

14. Not allowed out of the office when the president visits.

15. Not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to “Sic Brass!”

16. Must get a haircut even if it tampers with his “Samson like powers”.

17. God may not contradict any of his orders.

18. May no longer perform his now (in)famous “Barbie Girl Dance” while on duty.

19. May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying, slime, even if He's right.

20. Must not taunt the French any more.

21. Must attempt to not antagonize SAS.

22. Must never call an SAS a “Wanker”.

23. Must never ask anyone who outranks him if they’ve been smoking crack.

24. Must not tell any officer that he is smarter than they are, especially if it’s true.

25. Never confuse a Dutch soldier for a French one.

26. Never tell a German soldier that “We kicked your a** in World War 2!”

27. Don’t tell Princess Di jokes in front of the paras.

28. Don’t take the batteries out of the army soldiers alarm clocks.

29. The Irish MPs are not after “Me frosted lucky charms”.

30. Not allowed to wake an Non-Commissioned Officer by repeatedly banging on the head with a bag of trash.

31. Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of his actions.

32. Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of his post.

33. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless he brought enough for everybody.

34. Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if he *did* bring enough for everybody.

35. Not allowed to sing “High Speed Dirt” by Megadeth during airborne operations. (“See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue sky, black death, I’m off to meet my maker”)

36. Can’t have flashbacks to wars he was not in.

37. Our medic is called “Sgt Larwasa”, not “Dr. Feelgood”.

38. Our supply Sgt is “Sgt Watkins” not “Sugar Daddy”.

39. Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once.

40. Caboose does not have super-powers.

41. “Keep on Trucking” is *not* a psychological warfare message.

42. Not allowed to attempt to appeal to mankind’s baser instincts in recruitment posters.

43. Camouflage body paint is not a uniform.

44. Caboose is not the atheist chaplain.

45. He is not allowed to “Go to Bragg boulevard and shake daddy’s little money maker for twenties stuffed into his undies”.

46. He is not authorized to fire officers in other branches.

47. Caboose is not a citizen of Texas, and those other, forty-nine, lesser states.

48. He may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a flaw in a command decision.

49. Not allowed to trade military equipment for “magic beans”.

50. Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty hours.

51. Not allowed to quote “Dr Seuss” on military operations.

52. Not allowed to yell “Take that Cobra” at the rifle range.

53. Not allowed to quote “Full Metal Jacket “ at the rifle range.

54. “Napalm sticks to kids” is *not* a motivational phrase.

55. An order to “Put Kiwi on his boots” does *not* involve fruit.

56. An order to “Make his Boots black and shiny” does not involve electrical tape.

57. The proper response to a lawful order is not “Why?”

58. The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all Marines are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell, we’ve all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to squid.

59. May not make posters depicting the leadership failings of the chain of command.

60. “The Giant Space Ants” are not at the top of the chain of command.

61. If one soldier has an Oak leaf on his uniform, and I have an 2nd Lieutenant Bar on mine It means he outranks Caboose. It does not mean “Caboose has been promoted three more times than him”.

62. It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to 2nd Lt Caboose.

63. Command decisions do *not* need to be ratified by a 2/3 majority.

64. Inflatable novelties do *not* entitle Caboose to BAQ or Separation pay.

65. There are no evil clowns living under his bed.

66. There is no “Anti-Mime” campaign in Bosnia.

67. Caboose is not the Psychological Warfare Mascot.

68. He may not line his helmet with tin foil to “Block out the space mind control lasers”.

69. May not pretend to be a fascist stormtrooper, while on duty.

70. Caboose is not authorized to prescribe any form of medication.

71. He must not flaunt his deviances in front of the chain of command.

72. May not wear gimp mask while on duty.

73. No military functions are to be performed “Skyclad”.

74. Woad is not camouflage makeup.

75. May not conduct psychological experiments on the chain of command.

76. “Teddy Bear, Teddy bear, turn around” is *not* a cadence.

77. The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so he should not tell them “You don’t need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for.”

78. May not call block the chain of command.

79. Caboose is neither the king nor queen of cheese.

80. Not allowed to wear a dress to any army functions.

81. May not bring a drag queen to the battalion formal dance.

82. May not form any press gangs.

83. Must not start any SITREP with “I recently had an experience I just had to write you about….”

84. Must not use military vehicles to “Squish” things.

85. Not allowed to make any Psychological Warfare products depicting the infamous Ft. Bragg sniper incident.

86. May not challenge anyone in the chain of command to the “field of honor”.

87. If the thought of something makes him giggle for longer than 15 seconds, assume that he is not allowed to do it.

88. Must not refer to Captain as “Mom”.

89. Must not refer to the Major as “Dad”.

90. Inflatable sheep do *not* need to be displayed during a room inspection.

91. Caboose is not authorized to initiate Jihad.

92. When asked to give a few words at a military ceremony “Romper Bomper Stomper Boo” is probably not appropriate.

93. Nerve gas is not funny.

94. Crucifixes do not ward off other officers, and he should not test that.

95. He is not in need of a more suitable host body.

96. “Redneck Zombies” is not a military training aid.

97. Gozer does not dwell in the refrigerator.

98. The proper response to a chemical weapon attack is not “Tell the chain of command what he really thinks about them, and then poke holes in their masks.”

99. A smiley face is not used to mark a minefield.


100. Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new airmen that they are.

101. He is not allowed to mount a bayonet on a sidewinder.

102. Rodents are not entitled to burial with full military honors, even if they are “casualties of war”.

103. The commander is not old enough to have fought in the civil war, and He should stop implying that he did.

104. Vodka, green food coloring, and a “Cool Mint” Listerine® bottle should not be used in combination.

105. He is not allowed to bum cigarettes off of anyone under twelve.

106. He may not trade his rifle for any of the following: Cigarettes, booze, sexual favors, Kalishnikovs, Soviet Armored vehicles, small children, or bootleg CD’s.

107. Must not mock command decisions in front of the press.

108. Should not taunt members of the press, even if they are really fat, exceptionally stupid, and working for UPI.

109. He is not authorized to change national policy in Eastern Europe.

110. He may never, ever, attempt to correct a Green Beret officer about anything.

111. He is not qualified to operate any US, German, Polish, or Russian Armored vehicles.

112. When saluting an army officer, an appropriate greeting is not “The Air Force leads the wa- oh…sorry sir”.

113. There is absolutely no need to emulate the people from “Full Monty” every time he hears the song “Hot Stuff”.

114. He cannot trade the CO to the Navy.

115. He should not speculate on the p***s size of anyone who outranks him.

116. Crucifying mice - bad idea.

117. Must not use government equipment to bootleg pornography.

118. Burn pits for classified material are not revel fires - therefore it is wrong to dance naked around them.

119. He cannot arrest children for being rude.

120. An EO briefing is probably not the best place to unveil the newest off color joke.

121. He should not use government resources to “waterproof” dirty magazines.

122. Radioactive material should not be stored in the barracks.

123. He should not teach other soldiers to say offensive and crude things in Albanian, under the guise of teaching them how to say potentially useful phrases.

124. Two drink limit does not mean first and last.

125. Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks.

126. Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as he likes.

127. “No Drinking Of Alcoholic Beverages” does not imply that a Jack Daniel’s ® IV is acceptable.

128. “Shpadoinkle” is not a real word.

129. The Microsoft ® “Dancing Paperclip” is not authorized to countermand any orders.

130. “I’m drunk” is a bad answer to any question posed by the commander.

131. No dancing in the gun turret. This especially applies in conjunction with rule #113.

132. The loudspeaker system is not a forum to voice his ideas.

133. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to replace the radio.

134. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to broadcast the soundtrack to a porno movie.

135. An order to put polish on his boots means the whole boot.

136. Shouting “Let’s do the village! Let’s do the whole ******** village!” while out on a mission is bad.

137. Should not show up at the front gate wearing part of a female nurse's uniform, messily drunk.

138. Even if the commander did it.

139. Must not teach interpreters how to make “MRE” bombs.

140. Caboose is not authorized to sell mineral rights.

141. Not allowed to use a rapier to disprove “The Pen is Mightier than the sword”.

142. “Calvin-Ball” is not authorized PT.

143. He does not need to keep a “range card” by his window.

144. “K-Pot, LBE, and a thin coat of Break-free” is not an authorized uniform.

145. He should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test.

146. Nor should he drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same.

147. He should not threaten suicide with pop rocks and Coke ®.

148. Putting red “Mike and Ike’s” ® into a prescription medicine bottle, and then eating them all in a formation is not funny.

149. Must not create new DOD forms, then insist they be filled out.

150. On Sports Day PT, a wedgie is not considered a legal tackle.

151. The proper way to report to the Commander is “Lieutenant O'Mally, reporting as ordered, Sir” not “You can’t prove a thing!”

152. The following items do not exist: Keys to the Drop Zone, A box of grid squares, blinker fluid, winter air for tires, canopy lights, or Chem-Light ® batteries.

153. He should not assign new airmen to “guard the flight line”.

154. Shouldn’t treat “piss-bottles” with extra-strength icy hot.

155. Teaching Albanian children to taunt other soldiers is not nice.

156. He will no longer perform “lap-dances” while in uniform.

157. If he takes the uniform off, in the course of the lap-dance, it still counts.

158. The revolution is not now.

159. When detained by MP’s, He does not have a right to a strip search.

160. No part of the military uniform is edible.

161. Body checking General officers is not a good idea.

162. Past lives have absolutely no effect on the chain of command.

163. He will take that hat off.

164. There is no such thing as a were-virgin.

165. Caboose does not get “that time of month”.

166. No, the pants are not optional, they're required.

167. Not allowed to operate a business out of the barracks.

168. Especially not a pornographic movie studio.

169. Not even if they *are* “especially patriotic films”

170. Not allowed to “defect” to OPFOR during training missions.

171. On training missions, Caboose will not attempt to shoot down the General’s helicopter.

172. “A full magazine and some privacy” is not the way to help a potential suicide.

173. He is not allowed to create new levels of security clearance.

174. Furby ® is not allowed into classified areas.

175. We do not “charge into battle, naked, like the Celts”.

176. Any device that can crawl across the table on medium, does not need to be brought into the office.

177. He is not to refer to a formation as “the boxy rectangle thingie”.

178. He is not “A lesbian trapped in a man’s body”.

179. On Air Force documents, his race is not “Other”.

180. Nor is it “Secretariat, in the third”.

181. Pokémon® trainer is not an MOS.

182. There is no FM for “wall-to-wall counseling”.

183. The chain of command has neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what he did with six boxes of Fruit Roll-Ups. ®

184. When operating a military vehicle He may *not* attempt something “he saw in a cartoon”.

185. His name is not a killing word.

186. He is not the Emperor of anything.

187. Must not taunt other officers in the throes of nicotine withdrawal, with cigarettes.

188. May not challenge other officers to “Meet him on the field of honor, at dawn”.

189. Do not dare SERE graduates to eat bugs. They will always do it.

190. Must not make s’mores while on guard duty.

191. Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot.

192. The proper response to a briefing is not “That’s what you think”.

193. The Masons, and Gray Aliens are not in our chain of command.

194. Shouldn’t take incriminating photos of the chain of command.

195. Shouldn’t use Photoshop ® to create incriminating photos of the chain of command.

196. Caboose is not allowed to give tattoos.

197. He is not allowed to sing “Henry the VIII I am” until verse 68 ever again.

198. Not allowed to lead a “Coup” during training missions.

199. He should not confess to crimes that took place before he was born.

200. The chain of command is not interested in why he “just happen” to have a kilt, an inflatable sheep, and a box of rubber bands in the back of his staff car.

201. Must not valiantly push officers onto hand grenades to save the squad.

202. Despite the confusing similarity in the names, the “Safety Dance” and the “Safety Briefing” are never to be combined.

203. “To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys” is a bad long term goal to give the re-enlistment CO.

204. NEVER nail a stuffed bunny to a cross and put it up in front of the Battalion Headquarters sign as an “Easter Desecration.”

205. Don’t write up false gigs on an F-16. (”Broken clutch pedal”, “Number three turbine has frequent flame-outs”, “flux capacitor emits loud whine when engaged”)

206. Not allowed to get shot.

207. The Chicken and Rice MRE is *not* a personal lubricant.

208. Not allowed to play into the deluded fantasies of the civilians who are “hearing conversations” from the NSA, FBI, CIA and KGB due to the microchip the aliens implanted in their brain.

209. An airsickness bag is to be used for airsickness *only*.

210. Must not make T-shirts up depicting a pig with the writing “Eat Pork or Die” in Arabic to bring as civilian attire when preparing to deploy to a primarily Muslim country.

211. Don’t ask LTC Steele to sign his copy of Blackhawk Down.

212. Must not go on nine deployments in six years that require a security clearance that he doesn’t have, even if the Air Force tells him repeatedly that he has one and has no reason to question them.

213. Do not convince NCO’s that their razorbumps are the result of microscopic parasites.

Did you just use SKIPPY'S LIST AGAINST ME?!!

Find then...

Things Dan Can’t Do While Climbing With Summer Youth Program Students

1 Throw students off cliffs

2 Even if they are tied off

3 Even if they are tied off and want to try it

4 Bring a banjo to play during the out door climbing session….it makes the city kids nervous.

5 When the instructor in charge (IIC) says to bring all my usual climbing gear, that does not included my .44 magnum, a playboy and 3 cans of chewing tobacco….its scares the city kids.

6 Tie the students into the belay line with a hangman’s noose….

7 Even if I promise to tie the noose through the harness and not around their necks

8 Even if the noose is a stronger knot than the figure 8

9 When the IIC gives permission to ride my motorcycle to the climb instead of in the vans with the students that does not imply that I get to ride lead, motorcade style….

10 Especially if I plan to get to the lead position by passing the vans at over 100 miles per hour….in a wheelie.

11 Throwing large pebbles off the cliff is not an acceptable way of enforcing the no P.D.A. rule….especially if the offender is the IIC and his significant other.

12 The IIC’s admonishment to “Be sure to rig strong anchors” does not imply the need to rig 150′ of tubular nylon on a single anchor point.

13 When the IIC requests you to “tie off” a particularly clumsy student, 15′ feet of tubular nylon, a pair of locking ‘biners and a rock bolt anchor is sufficient….no need to “Spiderman” the student to a tree with 50′ of tubular webbing….

14 Even if it is “for their own good”.

15 Its considered “unsportsmanlike” to occasionally add rocks to other instructors packs through out the day….even if it’s funny to see the look on their faces when their pack that started at 20lbs, weighs 45lbs at the end of the day.

16 If an idea makes me giggle for more than 5 seconds, consider it banned.

17 If an idea makes me smile, think it through again before trying it.

18 Replacing the standard climber/belaying communication phrases with other phrases containing double meanings is not allowed.

19 When instructed to “keep it PG”, that does not mean I go surf the web for the dirtiest PG movie ever and then watch it to see what I can get way with.

20 Its not funny to place small rare earth magnets under the IIC’c compass and inside his GPS battery compartment in order to make him look like a jackass.

21 Just ’cause the IIC made me hump the 5 gallon water cooler around, as a form of punishment, does not mean I get to call myself “the water b***h”.

22 Its considered impolite to challenge the IIC to an uphill race while I’m humping the water cooler….especially if I beat him.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D3rNBAMt-kg&NR=1

Yeah. Mine (*cough*) was better.

I had a massive thread like this in the GD a year or so ago, so I'll fetch a few:

Funny things to do in Walmart.
1, Draw a white square in chalk and shout: "This is my PERSONAL space!" at someone.
2, Slap your head and shout: "All of you, just shut up!"
3, Stand in the corner, facing the wall, and don't get off.
4, Face someone and stare at them, breathing heavily.
5, Wait for it to be completly full and shout as loud as you can "Oh no, not motion sickness!"
6, Every time the doors open, spray outside with silly string shouting: "You'll never take me alive!!"
7, Jump up and down repeatedly, chanting "Drop, drop, drop!"
8, Walk in and start shouting "Bridge!" like you're in Star Trek.
9, When there's only one other person in the elvator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
10, Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
11, Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
12, Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor your on.
13, Hold the doors open and say your waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"
14, Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"
15, Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
16, Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an apointment.
17, Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.
18, Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.
19, Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
20, Ask, "Did you feel that?"
21, Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
22, When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!"
23, Swat at flies that don't exist.
24, Tell people that you can see their aura.
25, Call out, "Group Hug!"and then enforce it.
26, Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"
27, Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "Your one of THEM!" and back away slowly.
28, Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
29, Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
30, Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
31, Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce, "I have new socks on".
32, Press random buttons repeatedly while saying "Full power to the forward shields! Fire the proton torpedoes!"
33, Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
34, Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
35, Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
36, Sell Girl Scout cookies.
37, On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
38, Shave.
39, Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
40, When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
41, Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
42, Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
43, One word: Flatulence!
44, On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
45, Do Tai Chi exercises.
46, Give religious tracts to each passenger.
47, Meow occasionally.
48, Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
49, Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
50, Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
51, Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
52, Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
53, Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
54, Leave a box between the doors.
55, Start a sing-along.
56, When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
57, Play the harmonica.
58, Shadow box.
59, Say "Ding!" at each floor.
60, Lean against the button panel.
61, Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
62, Bring a chair along.
63, Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
64, Blow spit bubbles.
65, Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
65, Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
66, Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
67, Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at the passengers.
68, Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
69, If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
70, Bring a water pistol. Soak everyone's shoes.
71, Start brushing off invisible bugs from your arms, screaming "Aaughh! Get them off!"
72, Challenge your neighbor to a "Tic-Tac-Toe" tournament.
73, Laugh hysterically for five seconds, stop, and glare at the other passengers like they are crazy.
74, Charge into the elevator dripping wet, holding a towel and wearing only a bath robe. Mutter something about how husbands/wives always come home early just when it's getting to the good part.
75, Innocently cellotape the doors together, saying: I think there's enough people in here.
76, Hold down any floor button and start announcing things such as: "Clean up in aisle 3" or "They've broken through our shields, Captain!"
77, Play with Ping Pong paddle and ball, constantly dropping it.
78, Shout on your cell phone saying "Can you hear me now."
79, Have your headphones on your neck and turn your CD player up as loud as it goes listening to Death Metal.
80, Sing the Fresh Prince of Bell Air theme song.
81, Tug on a strangers' coat saying "Are you my new Mommy/Daddy."
82, Keep bumping into people saying genuinely "Oops, sorry.." or "Excuse me.."
83, Ask if anybody has any gum.
84, Scream "RAGE CAGE" and start moshing.
85, Tap somebody on the head and yell "BOOM HEADSHOT".
86, Say "Hey guy" over and over until they say "What" in irritation and say "Oh, well nevermind then."
87, Lean to somebodies ear and say "You got a perty mouth".
88, Itch your genitals saying "Damn hookers.."
89, Rock out to your Air Guitar.
90, Go "WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" in a high pitched voice when you go down.
91, When the elevator gets crowded say "This orgy is off to a slow start."
92, Lean over to somebody and say "Don't look now, but that guy/girl over there is cross-eyed as a fish.." loud enough for the other person to hear.
93, Ask "Do you smell gunpowder?"
94, When alone on elevator and the doors open RUN out and say "PRAISE ALLAH!!!"
95, Beat box (horribly) persistantly.
96, Give people getting on a blank stupified stare.
97, Call somebody on your cell and say "Somebody on the elevator smells like a Llama"
98, When somebody presses a button say "Oh no, not the (?) floor."
99, Walk in, turn to the doors and right after they close smack them saying "I'M IN AN ELEVATOR OF EMOTION!"

100. Laugh uncontrolably for no reason, and when people look at you and smile say "What's so damn funny?"
101. Walk on in an Easter Bunny costume.
102. Walk into the crowded elevator and put up a "Found" poster of a hundred dollar bill.
103. Talk on the phone, and after every sentence say "Moo".
104. Ask people their position on the subject of "a** to mouth".
105. Tell people on their Cell Phones about how they're going to contract brain tumors.
106. Around old people gossip about how the magnetic force of the Elevator interrupts Pace-Makers.
107. Randomly shout "The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire!"
108. You and a friend have a random Kung-Fu match in the elevator.
109. Talk to the elevator.
110. Throw a bunch of marbles on the floor and say "It's a booby trap..."
111. Run in with a Ski Mask on and frantically press the button to your floor. Look at the passengers and say "They'll never catch me.."
112. Open an umbrella big enough to loom over everybody in the elevator.
113. Wear a Sombrero and fake mustache with normal clothes.
114. Wheel in a fruit stand and start haggling.
115. Do a handstand in a corner of the elevator.
116. Put a book on your head and balance it. Accidentally bump into somebody and drop the book on the floor saying "WHAT THE HELL MAN! NOW I HAVE TO START OVER!"
117. Stop whoever is getting off and say "You don't want to do that sir/ma'am."
118. In a Tuxedo with a headset and black sunglasses on walk in and behind somebody and say "It's okay mister president, they'll never take us alive."
119. Take one water, spill over crotch area, and walk in grinning inanely.
120. Exercise with weights, preferable with a friend screaming; "Harder! Pump it, baby! One more set and we can hit the showers!" Pour water over head and armpits to increase effect if neccesary.
121. Petend to get your leg stuck in the door as it closes
122.Without letting anyone see, press the emergency stop button. Act surprised and start talking to yourself "its ok, it wasnt your fault you killed your family. It was SATAN, damm you SATAN! DAMN YOU!!!" Then press the stop button again and act as if nothing has happened.
123. Set out a pinic set on the floor and suggest to the other passengers to join you in afternoon tea
124. Break wind and blame it on the person next to you
125. Pretend your are a repair man here to fix the lift. Wait untill its busy and tell everyone to get out of the lift. You get in, get your paper out and sit and relax
126. Offer to polish their shoes. When they say no, tell them you need the money to feed your ten starving children back home in Estonia
127. Hand out leaflets - "what to do when the lift cable breaks. The ten tips that will keep your body in one pice (although these tips will not save your life, it will make the rescue a bit cleaner, and we wont have to spend ages cleaning the blood of the walls) Hope you will live to do it again!"
128. Say you have just won the lottery and you are on your way to collect your winnings. See how many people are listening to you
129. Paint the walls of the lift.
130. Pretend to be the pilot of the lift, speach into a headset "this is lift number 1, ready for decent to 1st floor. Waiting for permission to depart, over"
131.Serve tea and coffee
132. Act like the sergent of the lift. Order people around. Tell them to get in line.
134.Suggest to the other people that your should play musical statues. Bring a tape recorder along too
135. Teach the people french. Dont let them leave till they get it right
136. As you are coming to the end of the journey, get enmotional and have a group hug. Tell them that you will never forget them.
137. Insist, the lift ride costs £2.50
138. Challenge the guy stood next to you to a "thumb war".
139. Explain your ideas of world domination to the wall.
140. Pretend to see a spider, repeatedly and violently stamp on the floor while screaming "Die you b*****d, die DIIEEE!"
141. While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, "Hide it...quick!" then whistle innocently.
142. Re-enact scenes from a movie where someone climbs out through the roof.
143. Tell people their clothes are stuck in the lift door, when the look round and see it isn't, apologise, then 5 seconds later say it again in exactly the same tone of voice.
144. Point a fire extinguisher at the door as it opens and a passenger tries to enter, ready, aim, and bend the nozzle round and cover yourself with foam.
145. Take in a tent, and set it up. Place some underwear, a t-shirt, some socks and a pair of jeans around the lift in view. Whenever someone enter, pop ONLY your head out and invite them to a sleepover.
146. Greet people in another language (preferably made up), and get them to repeat it. When they do repeat it, hug them and don't let go for an uncomfortable amount of time.
147. Cover your wrists with ketchup and rock back and forth whispering loudly: "Sweet release... sweet release..."
148. As soon as the door close keep saying "Are we there yet?"