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 Posted: Thu Dec 24, 2009 3:28 pm
Thanks, and Merry Christmas!! ^_^ After several months of writers block, I finally managed to advance with Haunting Heart's chapter 1 rewrite. Haunting Heart - Chapter 1 Rewrite A slight gust of wind blew across the evening primrose, which filled the desert air with a pleasant aroma. It was five hours past mid-day as the bantam locomotive eased its way through a small empty platform. Two vagrants hopped down from the trains side, while shrouding their presence from the conductors view. The train continued over the long stretch of track, gradually disappearing from the line of sight. On the platform, there stood a small group of abandon pineapple crates, hidden among these were the two cast-offs from the train. One of the two rose to a somewhat standing position and attempted to peer over the crudely stacked pile of boxes. He was a brown eyed; black haired boy in or around his late teens. His garments consisted of a light gray tee-shirt, partially concealed by a brown leather jacked, with a pair of dark bluish gray jean slacks, and leather hiking boots. When the boy saw that the train had in fact departed, he stretched out his arms and gave a sigh that expressed both relief and utter agony. ". . . That was close. . ." Said the boy; as he wiped the sweat from his brow. The other individual was a girl roughly a year or so younger then the boy. Both her hair and eyes were the same shade of emerald green, she wore a white t-shirt; brown shorts and a pair of leather shoes. The girl was resting against one of the large crates, still panting from the hard run. ". . . Ry. . . Ryou, Why were you in such a hurry?. . ." The girl asked while tilting her head up towards the boy. The boy, Ryou, glanced downward at her with an agitated expression. ". . . Don't start acting like you've forgotten. . . if you had just left the dinning car alone. . . we'd still be on board Felina!" Ryou responded to Felina's poor attempt at covering up. Felina's expression changed; to give off an outward appearance of innocents. "Ah, but I couldn't help it! the food smelled so good!!" Felina stated with an expression of joy, that had yet to be attained. "It smelled like raw fish!! . . . It Was raw fish!!" Ryou exclaimed in a somewhat 'annoyed' fashion. "Blah blah, I get it alright?!" A pause followed her response for quit some time, until it was eventually interrupted by the sound of Ryou's hunger. ". . . A. . . Anyway. . . Did you manage to pick up anything?" Ryou asked while covering his stomach with his hand. A grin passed over Felina's face, and she pulled a small loaf of bread out of her bag. As she started to break the loaf into two sections, the sound of a tin can rang out from around the corner! Startled by the noise, Felina jumped to her feet, dropping the bread on the ground, which crumbled into small pieces. Let me know how it sounds. ^_^
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Posted: Wed Dec 30, 2009 7:46 pm
Sorry for the late response! I got caught up with other things and now it's my birthday haha. 8D;
It's not bad so far~ it just needs a bit of polishing but beyond that, the progression is fairly well written. ='D
I would add a few more tips and constructive criticism, but I don't feel like it at the moment. Sorry. ^^; Also, it's up to you if you'd like more of my feedback (and examples on how to go about the basic editing for the passage) or not.
.. although, I'd like you to change the word "innocents" to "innocence."
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Posted: Wed Dec 30, 2009 10:46 pm
Ah, I can't believe I missed that! eek
Thanks for bringing it to my attention. ^_^
I'm planing to go over it again as soon as I get the chance.
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Posted: Sun Jan 24, 2010 11:31 am
Wow.. time goes by so fast! n__n;
At the moment, I'm trying to see if I can make not only more illustrations this year (hopefully with the zest that I enjoyed from late '05 and 07), but also flesh out many characters that had "existed" but never completely had an appearance to back it up. >__>;
Amongst the many characters I'm working on, I'm trying to finally work on my original reyvateils. ^^; The main issue is to adorn her in a way that makes her stand out enough not just for me, but also to onlookers. Uhh.. wait.. the one I'm working on is not really a reyvateil. D:
(I'll copy + paste this in my reyvateil thread later ahaha)
She's the older sister of one.. but due to some circumstances from her various jobs (to pay for her younger sister's diquility), she settled into one where she plays as the double of her reyvateil client.
Her reyvateil client doesn't have much confidence in her voice and as a respected member in the society (well.. her parents are notably), she's often invited to sing for various occasions and parties. More than often, she's unable to refuse them because of her standing. However, due to a traumatic occasion where her singing was ridiculed (not directly.. but the aura wafted much gossip about it), she no longer possesses the will to craft and sing her own songs.
To her luck, she found someone that resembled her uncannily (er.. that's her vision anyway.. there's always slight differences since they're not twins), she immediately hired her. The older-sister-with-younger-sister-as-a-reyvateil was skeptical at first.. but the pay was good and enough to pay for the regular diquility for her younger sister. She also was offered lodgings, meals, and education (notably for hymmnos, mannerisms of the upper class, etc.). And so, she accepted the offer and became the double of a reyvateil. The only problem is that she's "human" (I'm wanting to make her as a reyvateil as well.. but that'd defeat the purpose of the placing difficulties for humans) and while she has a splendid singing voice, her human qualities aren't going to welcomed in the reyvateil sphere. In a sense, it's difficult to disguise the human girl as a reyvateil but, it worked for the most part due to the distance her reyvateil client had amongst the listeners in addition to the songs being non-combative or wholly passionate (those songs are likely to exhibit waves quite a bit.. I would think anyway).
Oh yeah. on a random note, the disguising of the human also included painting a (temporary?) tattoo of the install part for that rare, rare situation where her garments are unwillingly torn. It's just a safe precaution since there are likely to be many who "waste their time" trying to take down the upper class.
---
With that above.. I'm not sure what tower that story would set in. Sol Ciel won't work very well since there isn't a upper class reyvateil society (and just has 2 spheres of respect developed from the isolation of Platina and the lower world).. Sol Marta miight be viable except the upper class is more or less solely focused on the holy Maiden(s). The last one is new and with the reyvateil dominance.. it just night work. It only makes it worse for the human sister because of her species ranking and how an actual reyvateil wants her assistance. Also, humans face the issue of aging.. something reyvateils aren't really hampered with so the human sister might not be able to retain the job as long-term. Her "voice" is likely to remain valuable to the reyvateil client though.
---
Whew. That's a massive wall of text on my reyvateil plot/character development. Sorry. 8D;;
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Posted: Sun Jan 24, 2010 6:57 pm
Asashikka Wow.. time goes by so fast! n__n; At the moment, I'm trying to see if I can make not only more illustrations this year (hopefully with the zest that I enjoyed from late '05 and 07), but also flesh out many characters that had "existed" but never completely had an appearance to back it up. >__>; Amongst the many characters I'm working on, I'm trying to finally work on my original reyvateils. ^^; The main issue is to adorn her in a way that makes her stand out enough not just for me, but also to onlookers. Uhh.. wait.. the one I'm working on is not really a reyvateil. D: (I'll copy + paste this in my reyvateil thread later ahaha) She's the older sister of one.. but due to some circumstances from her various jobs (to pay for her younger sister's diquility), she settled into one where she plays as the double of her reyvateil client. Her reyvateil client doesn't have much confidence in her voice and as a respected member in the society (well.. her parents are notably), she's often invited to sing for various occasions and parties. More than often, she's unable to refuse them because of her standing. However, due to a traumatic occasion where her singing was ridiculed (not directly.. but the aura wafted much gossip about it), she no longer possesses the will to craft and sing her own songs. To her luck, she found someone that resembled her uncannily (er.. that's her vision anyway.. there's always slight differences since they're not twins), she immediately hired her. The older-sister-with-younger-sister-as-a-reyvateil was skeptical at first.. but the pay was good and enough to pay for the regular diquility for her younger sister. She also was offered lodgings, meals, and education (notably for hymmnos, mannerisms of the upper class, etc.). And so, she accepted the offer and became the double of a reyvateil. The only problem is that she's "human" (I'm wanting to make her as a reyvateil as well.. but that'd defeat the purpose of the placing difficulties for humans) and while she has a splendid singing voice, her human qualities aren't going to welcomed in the reyvateil sphere. In a sense, it's difficult to disguise the human girl as a reyvateil but, it worked for the most part due to the distance her reyvateil client had amongst the listeners in addition to the songs being non-combative or wholly passionate (those songs are likely to exhibit waves quite a bit.. I would think anyway). Oh yeah. on a random note, the disguising of the human also included painting a (temporary?) tattoo of the install part for that rare, rare situation where her garments are unwillingly torn. It's just a safe precaution since there are likely to be many who "waste their time" trying to take down the upper class. --- With that above.. I'm not sure what tower that story would set in. Sol Ciel won't work very well since there isn't a upper class reyvateil society (and just has 2 spheres of respect developed from the isolation of Platina and the lower world).. Sol Marta miight be viable except the upper class is more or less solely focused on the holy Maiden(s). The last one is new and with the reyvateil dominance.. it just night work. It only makes it worse for the human sister because of her species ranking and how an actual reyvateil wants her assistance. Also, humans face the issue of aging.. something reyvateils aren't really hampered with so the human sister might not be able to retain the job as long-term. Her "voice" is likely to remain valuable to the reyvateil client though. --- Whew. That's a massive wall of text on my reyvateil plot/character development. Sorry. 8D;; That's an interesting idea, based on the plot, I think that Ar tonelico III's location would work out for the best, for reasons that you already mentioned. One question, what exactly would the relationship between the Reyvateil and her Human double be? Would she treat her kindly, cruelly, equally, lowly? etc. Since the human double attends outings in her place, perhaps the Reyvateil would hold a slight resentment towards her?
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Posted: Sun Jan 24, 2010 10:08 pm
Palsa-San Asashikka Wow.. time goes by so fast! n__n; At the moment, I'm trying to see if I can make not only more illustrations this year (hopefully with the zest that I enjoyed from late '05 and 07), but also flesh out many characters that had "existed" but never completely had an appearance to back it up. >__>; Amongst the many characters I'm working on, I'm trying to finally work on my original reyvateils. ^^; The main issue is to adorn her in a way that makes her stand out enough not just for me, but also to onlookers. Uhh.. wait.. the one I'm working on is not really a reyvateil. D: (I'll copy + paste this in my reyvateil thread later ahaha) She's the older sister of one.. but due to some circumstances from her various jobs (to pay for her younger sister's diquility), she settled into one where she plays as the double of her reyvateil client. Her reyvateil client doesn't have much confidence in her voice and as a respected member in the society (well.. her parents are notably), she's often invited to sing for various occasions and parties. More than often, she's unable to refuse them because of her standing. However, due to a traumatic occasion where her singing was ridiculed (not directly.. but the aura wafted much gossip about it), she no longer possesses the will to craft and sing her own songs. To her luck, she found someone that resembled her uncannily (er.. that's her vision anyway.. there's always slight differences since they're not twins), she immediately hired her. The older-sister-with-younger-sister-as-a-reyvateil was skeptical at first.. but the pay was good and enough to pay for the regular diquility for her younger sister. She also was offered lodgings, meals, and education (notably for hymmnos, mannerisms of the upper class, etc.). And so, she accepted the offer and became the double of a reyvateil. The only problem is that she's "human" (I'm wanting to make her as a reyvateil as well.. but that'd defeat the purpose of the placing difficulties for humans) and while she has a splendid singing voice, her human qualities aren't going to welcomed in the reyvateil sphere. In a sense, it's difficult to disguise the human girl as a reyvateil but, it worked for the most part due to the distance her reyvateil client had amongst the listeners in addition to the songs being non-combative or wholly passionate (those songs are likely to exhibit waves quite a bit.. I would think anyway). Oh yeah. on a random note, the disguising of the human also included painting a (temporary?) tattoo of the install part for that rare, rare situation where her garments are unwillingly torn. It's just a safe precaution since there are likely to be many who "waste their time" trying to take down the upper class. --- With that above.. I'm not sure what tower that story would set in. Sol Ciel won't work very well since there isn't a upper class reyvateil society (and just has 2 spheres of respect developed from the isolation of Platina and the lower world).. Sol Marta miight be viable except the upper class is more or less solely focused on the holy Maiden(s). The last one is new and with the reyvateil dominance.. it just might work. It only makes it worse for the human sister because of her species ranking and how an actual reyvateil wants her assistance. Also, humans face the issue of aging.. something reyvateils aren't really hampered with so the human sister might not be able to retain the job as long-term. Her "voice" is likely to remain valuable to the reyvateil client though. --- Whew. That's a massive wall of text on my reyvateil plot/character development. Sorry. 8D;; That's an interesting idea, based on the plot, I think that Ar tonelico III's location would work out for the best, for reasons that you already mentioned. One question, what exactly would the relationship between the Reyvateil and her Human double be? Would she treat her kindly, cruelly, equally, lowly? etc. Since the human double attends outings in her place, perhaps the Reyvateil would hold a slight resentment towards her? She might harbor those feelings, although those won't be acknowledged outright because she did hire a double (who happens to be a human) in the first place. That doesn't mean those feelings aren't unheard- I think her future diver (if she permits him) might see those personally in her cosmosphere. o3o Perhaps, the reyvateil client would like to appreciate her human double for her efforts.. but she'd unthinkably would still address her human double's inferiority to beta types due to the norms of society. she'd probably say/mention it jokingly.. but her human double's more or less putting up with the "verbal harassment" for her sister's sake.. who too is looked down for being a third generation reyvateil dependent on diquility to survive. If the human double WAS a reyvateil.. her cosmosphere will be a interesting sight to see. 8D; Oh yeah, I decided to make the older sister a human because I thought that a hymmnos song duet with her little sister would be touching. The little sister possesses a inferiority complex as a third generation and a reyvateil who can't sing. It doesn't help that she idolizes her human sister's capabilities for singing and why she wasn't born a reyvateil. Ahaha.. I should figure out names soon.. I'm tired of identifying them with their labels ahaha.
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Posted: Mon Jan 25, 2010 10:48 am
Asashikka Palsa-San Asashikka Wow.. time goes by so fast! n__n; At the moment, I'm trying to see if I can make not only more illustrations this year (hopefully with the zest that I enjoyed from late '05 and 07), but also flesh out many characters that had "existed" but never completely had an appearance to back it up. >__>; Amongst the many characters I'm working on, I'm trying to finally work on my original reyvateils. ^^; The main issue is to adorn her in a way that makes her stand out enough not just for me, but also to onlookers. Uhh.. wait.. the one I'm working on is not really a reyvateil. D: (I'll copy + paste this in my reyvateil thread later ahaha) She's the older sister of one.. but due to some circumstances from her various jobs (to pay for her younger sister's diquility), she settled into one where she plays as the double of her reyvateil client. Her reyvateil client doesn't have much confidence in her voice and as a respected member in the society (well.. her parents are notably), she's often invited to sing for various occasions and parties. More than often, she's unable to refuse them because of her standing. However, due to a traumatic occasion where her singing was ridiculed (not directly.. but the aura wafted much gossip about it), she no longer possesses the will to craft and sing her own songs. To her luck, she found someone that resembled her uncannily (er.. that's her vision anyway.. there's always slight differences since they're not twins), she immediately hired her. The older-sister-with-younger-sister-as-a-reyvateil was skeptical at first.. but the pay was good and enough to pay for the regular diquility for her younger sister. She also was offered lodgings, meals, and education (notably for hymmnos, mannerisms of the upper class, etc.). And so, she accepted the offer and became the double of a reyvateil. The only problem is that she's "human" (I'm wanting to make her as a reyvateil as well.. but that'd defeat the purpose of the placing difficulties for humans) and while she has a splendid singing voice, her human qualities aren't going to welcomed in the reyvateil sphere. In a sense, it's difficult to disguise the human girl as a reyvateil but, it worked for the most part due to the distance her reyvateil client had amongst the listeners in addition to the songs being non-combative or wholly passionate (those songs are likely to exhibit waves quite a bit.. I would think anyway). Oh yeah. on a random note, the disguising of the human also included painting a (temporary?) tattoo of the install part for that rare, rare situation where her garments are unwillingly torn. It's just a safe precaution since there are likely to be many who "waste their time" trying to take down the upper class. --- With that above.. I'm not sure what tower that story would set in. Sol Ciel won't work very well since there isn't a upper class reyvateil society (and just has 2 spheres of respect developed from the isolation of Platina and the lower world).. Sol Marta miight be viable except the upper class is more or less solely focused on the holy Maiden(s). The last one is new and with the reyvateil dominance.. it just might work. It only makes it worse for the human sister because of her species ranking and how an actual reyvateil wants her assistance. Also, humans face the issue of aging.. something reyvateils aren't really hampered with so the human sister might not be able to retain the job as long-term. Her "voice" is likely to remain valuable to the reyvateil client though. --- Whew. That's a massive wall of text on my reyvateil plot/character development. Sorry. 8D;; That's an interesting idea, based on the plot, I think that Ar tonelico III's location would work out for the best, for reasons that you already mentioned. One question, what exactly would the relationship between the Reyvateil and her Human double be? Would she treat her kindly, cruelly, equally, lowly? etc. Since the human double attends outings in her place, perhaps the Reyvateil would hold a slight resentment towards her? She might harbor those feelings, although those won't be acknowledged outright because she did hire a double (who happens to be a human) in the first place. That doesn't mean those feelings aren't unheard- I think her future diver (if she permits him) might see those personally in her cosmosphere. o3o Perhaps, the reyvateil client would like to appreciate her human double for her efforts.. but she'd unthinkably would still address her human double's inferiority to beta types due to the norms of society. she'd probably say/mention it jokingly.. but her human double's more or less putting up with the "verbal harassment" for her sister's sake.. who too is looked down for being a third generation reyvateil dependent on diquility to survive. If the human double WAS a reyvateil.. her cosmosphere will be a interesting sight to see. 8D; Oh yeah, I decided to make the older sister a human because I thought that a hymmnos song duet with her little sister would be touching. The little sister possesses a inferiority complex as a third generation and a reyvateil who can't sing. It doesn't help that she idolizes her human sister's capabilities for singing and why she wasn't born a reyvateil. Ahaha.. I should figure out names soon.. I'm tired of identifying them with their labels ahaha. For names, I have two suggestions, one is to look through the Hymmnos wiki under Lexicon: http://conlang.wikia.com/wiki/Conlang:Hymmnos It's pretty easy to create an name based on mix matching words. Second is to post your idea in A Reyvateil's Melody: http://artonelico.isisview.org/index.php?sid=0655cfc89114db7ba34883443ffe6958 A lot of people there can actually speak the language, so they might be able to help you with finding appropriate names.
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Posted: Mon Jan 25, 2010 2:56 pm
Thank you for the links~
I actually had an account in "A Reyvateil's Melody" for a while. I set one up just in case I'd want to respond directly to the forum.
I decided to repost everything from here to there.. but responses might be scarce because at the moment.. it's more or less a huge wall of text concerning the creation/development of my characters. :'D
Even so.. I hope I can hear some respones soon.
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Posted: Mon Jan 25, 2010 9:38 pm
Which forum did you post it in?
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Posted: Mon Jan 25, 2010 9:48 pm
Palsa-San Which forum did you post it in? I posted it in the Silver Horn. It seemed to be the most appropriate since it's fanwork and although not a fanfiction.. it's still created stories (although still in development). ^^;
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Posted: Tue Jan 26, 2010 12:32 pm
Found it, I'll leave a better post there later. ^_^
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Posted: Sun Feb 14, 2010 5:36 pm
I haven't posted in awhile, how is everyone?
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Posted: Mon Feb 15, 2010 12:39 am
It's been pretty quiet~ owo
I've been doing OK.. but I sometimes wish that I use my time to get more things done than my usual way of killing time (unintentionally). xD;
I have too many character development projects. =|
It's difficult to get a steady amount of established works done for each~
Recently, I've been translating some Japanese (at the moment, a series I'm devoted to) songs into English. :'D
It's great practice for me~ although, I'm highly reliant on previously established text online as I rely on online dictionaries and the like.
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Posted: Mon Feb 15, 2010 1:17 pm
Yeah, I spend a lot of time on character development myself. sweatdrop
Hope the translation goes well. ^_^
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Posted: Mon Feb 15, 2010 1:32 pm
I translated a few already. :'D
It's fulfilling to be able to understand what the song's really saying/implying. Now I'm scouting for other lyrics though... some are very difficult to find unfortunately. =|
How about you?
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