What do you know?! I'm back here! Again...

Now my problem is that for some reason I've slipped into depression of a sort. Whenever I'm at school I'm seriously laughing and happy around my friends and my boyfriend. However, once I get home I feel like I do when I've got a decision to make that could cost big: that weird, guilty squirming in your stomach. I've had no inspiration whatsoever to do the things I love to do, I'm getting really PO'd at one of my friends who doesn't do anything in particular other than his pervertedness, I'm getting fed up with my friend who apparently has seperation anxiety when it comes to her boyfriend (who she runs away from constantly, mind you), another friend's depression because she says she'll never get married and what not like that, and whenever my boyfriend calls I don't feel like talking to him.

My boyfriend is seriously funny, but I do find myself faking laughs. (Who doesn't these days?) I can't find much to talk about when we're on the phone 'cause I don't do much. Plus, since he's two years older than me, he's probably got some expectations of me French kissing him. Which I won't do because I can tell already he's not the one to have my first with. Also, he's the ex of one of my best friends. She has since stopped talking to me. At one point, I tried to see if I could break up with him to fix that friendship, but once I saw how depressed my boyfriend was after I told him compared to how happy he usually is, I had to take him back. And whenever I'm with him, I feel like I'm taking time and attention away from my friends.

On top of that, I'm a teenager (obviously). I'm supposed to be exploring things to see what I want to be and all that stuff, but instead I look at my friends and end up copying them. (Ex: Two of my craziest friends are semi-goth and wear lots of large bracelets, neckalces, and earrings. After a few days of hanging out with them I got a few large bracelets of my own.) I don't like copying others because I enjoy doing my own thing. However, if what they do is similar to what I want to do, is it really copying?

It's like with my brother; he started writing stories before I did. So once I started to write, he accused me of copying him and trying to be like him. Why is it that when someone can't see inside your head to see the reasons, they assume they are right?

And then I've got my own ideas of how I would like to act, but that would be somewhat hard to do. I used to be a b***h when I was in elementary school. In middle school, I developed into a more depressed, violent person. Now in high school, I've succeeded in making myself happy at the smallest things. Around certain people I become violent because they annoy me. But I do that to look tough. To tell the truth, I'm afraid because I know I'm all bark and no bite. I try to be more honest, but sometimes I slip back into a more twisted attitude where I physically hurt people. It bothers me so much. But hey, I guess that's part of being a teen.