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 Posted: Fri Nov 16, 2007 6:33 am
I don't know how I missed this... d'oh! I must be getting old. smile *waits for snorts and giggles to die down* OK, let's see.
The extracts set a really good mood: there's mystery, and a kind of sinister aura to both the character and the situation. There is a magical feel to it all as well, but dark magic, the kind that makes it hard to turn the lights off at night. It makes me want to know more, to understand who this person is and what he's up to--and what he's done to have others after him such that they're willing to risk their lives for the hope of getting him.
In short, it's page-turner material. I would be hard-pressed to put this down if I had the whole thing in my hands.
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Posted: Fri Nov 16, 2007 12:06 pm
Good to hear that Jasta! smile
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Posted: Sun Nov 18, 2007 1:37 pm
DM_Melkhar As he walked up the tiers, Mrs. Maskell and Shey watched him heading toward the large graveyard where both civilians, naval officers and sailors rested. Suddenly both of them were overwhelmed. Shey bit down on his lower lip and Mrs. Maskell found that she had tears running down her cheeks. All knew what had happened. The tragedy had been witnessed, but no-one had ever known of his survival until his name had become known on the high seas.
“No survivors,” an elderly lady said to her granddaughter from somewhere in the crowd. “None save for him. The entire family were on board. He was your age when that happened.” At once the girl began to sob.
Almost the entire population of the city had become still as all cast their attention in his direction when he came to the gates of the cemetery. Nobody moved from where they stood. Even he himself was unsure of why everyone was allowing him passage through the city so easily. He was certain that the rest of his crew were thinking the same thing. Perhaps it was because they’d known and respected his family for so long, and that he, being a Savaldor, was the reason. It made him uncomfortable, because he knew that before a storm there was always the calm.
Overhead, the sky clouded over and a few small drops of rain hit the brim of his hat and shoulders. He looked through the bars of the iron gate in front of him where behind it lay friends and all of his family. Before he could open it though, a middle-aged woman’s voice screeched, “I’ll be damned if you’re going in there you traitorous scum!” He turned his head in her direction. It was none other than the sister of his aunt’s husband. When all of the family were pronounced dead, it was her who’d taken over the house. From what he knew of her, she was a hard and callous woman with an eye only for wealth. He’d never liked her as a child, and much less now.
Just as her hand was about to slap him across the face, he latched on to her arm and held it rigid in the air. There was no animosity in his expression though; only a well-concealed sadness.
“You’ve no right to stop me from payin’ my respects,” he said calmly, lifting his other hand to stay his comrade’s advancements. The woman jerked her arm away.
“All of the city knows what you are now,” she spat. “You’re a scoundrel and a wastrel. I’ve no doubts that your parents would’ve been ashamed. Their son turned pirate! If you were my son I’d have disowned you.”
He stood and regarded her with a look that cleverly held back his true feelings. He didn’t seem vexed at all. His two comrades both knew that this wasn’t the case though. It was a difficult time for him, and for him to lock up his emotions at such a time and place as this would be painful, they knew. The warrior stepped forward and held the woman aside whilst he turned away from her and passed through the gate into the graveyard.
In the centre there stood a tall monument dedicated to his family, where all around it grew the usually very rare blue rose that seemed to have little trouble growing and blooming around the meadows above. He noticed that even his own name was marked on the large, ornate stone tablet before him. As he approached it, he took off his hat and held it to his chest a few moments before putting it back on his head again. A single tear fell down one cheek, and then another followed it the other side. Before long, his willpower faded and he succumbed to his sorrow. Falling to his knees, he buried his face in his hands and wept.
Do note that this character is usually cheerful, charismatic and very flamboyant. What do you say to this side of him?
Mrs. Maskell and Shey are minor characters, hence why I left their names in there.
Analyse please. smile
Oh, and Jasta, if you want to you can add me to a messenger if you have one.
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Posted: Fri Nov 23, 2007 8:53 am
For goodness sake, I posted that message above at the beginning of the week! evil
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Posted: Tue Nov 27, 2007 9:54 am
I'm just not going to bother to post ANY of my writing anymore. It just gets ignored for goodness knows how long. I posted that message a week and a half ago now and NOBODY has replied. Nice.
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Posted: Wed Nov 28, 2007 3:19 pm
Don't be mad Mel, I posted a new story on my fanfiction.net account 2 weeks ago and nobody has submitted any reviews. Not even after I added a new chapter. My guess is people are just too busy or too lazy to read anymore; either that or they hardly have the time. Me, I... I suppose I don't have time to stroll by every single forum of my guilds but I try.
Gee, I had no idea you broke up with Lazarus. Are you back together or planing to do so? Not that it's any of my business but you know what they say, those who care about you, ask. mrgreen
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Posted: Thu Nov 29, 2007 11:04 am
That was a long time ago Hypno. We're still friends.
I'd appreciate people replying about the extract though, but I don't hold out any hopes now and I certainly won't be posting about my writing again - at least not any time soon.
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Posted: Thu Nov 29, 2007 1:29 pm
I see... So, are you with anybody Jill... I mean, Mel? Sorry about that, I seem to have Resident Evil lines stuck in my head for some reason, he-he. sweatdrop
I haven't been able to read much of what you wrote but I'm getting there.
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Posted: Fri Nov 30, 2007 10:24 am
I'm sorry I haven't been around; things have gotten very complicated at work, and in my personal life as well. I wasn't ignoring your writing, Mel! Remember that a major holiday just happened in the States, and lots of folks probably got caught up in that--I know I did. I will look at the excerpt this afternoon, as soon as I am done with this meeting I'm having with my boss. (It's over the phone and I have the speaker on mute so I can type. *grins*)
Didn't mean to make you feel neglected... sad
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Posted: Fri Nov 30, 2007 1:26 pm
OK, this is an excellent extract! It has good mood, development, and everything it should have in terms of characterization. It's well-paced, well-written, and feels "right" based on other things you've posted or mentioned. The grammar is mostly good too, just a few comma problems and the like. I also note that you've gone to great lengths to avoid omniscient viewpoint, as we discussed last time. That's not easy to do--and yet it improves writing immeasurably. Good on you!
Now you need to start digging into details. There's still a little hyperbole: "Almost the entire population of the city had become still as all cast their attention in his direction when he came to the gates of the cemetery. Nobody moved from where they stood."
It's an excellent sentence and very dramatic, but think it through: is it possible a) for almost the entire population of a city to even know (or care) that he's home? Even if the tragedy has touched the community, there will be some who won't give a hoot--and in an age pre-dating instant access to news, many won't even realize the pirate captain has come home yet, much less that he's alive; and b) unless it's a small city and a big cemetery, I doubt they'd all be able to fit there.
A small cavil perhaps, but realism is important, especially with historical works. An entire crowd becoming still and not moving is a bit of a stretch, but plausible; certainly conversation would stop at first, then perhaps pick up in whispers, and "being still" of course doesn't mean being stock-still, it just means stopping in place and perhaps staring like gits. smile So it's not something I'd recommend taking out, just tweak it a bit.
I know that some of what is here is for our benefit to help set the scene, because you've probably already established some of the characters whose presence you're explaining here--for instance, the nasty relative. I hope he will fight her for the house, if appropriate--because a sister of a relative's wife doesn't deserve to have it--especially when she's so mean! (but that's my preferences showing; I have relatives like her. *shakes head*) However, when he raises his hand to still the forward motion of his comrades, that surprised me--there is earlier mention of the crew, but they don't seem to be "present in the moment" as it were.
If a character is there and is needed for any reason, a writer must make sure to give them their moment in the pin-spot--otherwise it potentially could look as if they were brought into the scene as needed. Not that this is what it looks like here, it was just a surprise. Maybe you could add in some description of how people fall back from them as the pirates march through the streets? Something like that? It's possible because of where you began the extract, we just missed that bit--in which case no issue. smile
The only part that gave me real pause was this: "...where all around it grew the usually very rare blue rose that seemed to have little trouble growing and blooming around the meadows above." The description makes it a little hard to quite picture how the rose is growing, and I'm a bit confused at the juxtaposition of "usually very rare" with "seemed to have little trouble..." I think you were going for the concept of this rare rose seeming to grow effortlessly to decorate this sad and desolate place... but it feels a little strange to me somehow as written. May I make a suggestion? (which you are free to jettison at will, of course! *g*) How about something like this?
"In the centre there stood a tall monument dedicated to his family. He paused before it, his expression guarded (or sad or thoughtful...). He was surprised and oddly touched to see how all around the monument there already grew a prolific, sweet-scented blue rose--one that in his experience was quite rare. He stared at it, pondering. Had someone not told him this rare rose was difficult to grow? And yet here it was, apparently having little trouble as it grew and bloomed all around and into the meadows above."
Something like that maybe? It seemed like a good thing, since you mentioned such a neat, interesting touch, to call attention to it somehow so that it is marked as an intentional anomaly to capture attention.
Anyway, there's my thoughts! I'm sorry I took so long to get back to you!
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Posted: Fri Nov 30, 2007 1:40 pm
DM_Melkhar Oh, and Jasta, if you want to you can add me to a messenger if you have one.
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Posted: Sat Dec 01, 2007 2:54 pm
JastaElf OK, this is an excellent extract! It has good mood, development, and everything it should have in terms of characterization. It's well-paced, well-written, and feels "right" based on other things you've posted or mentioned. The grammar is mostly good too, just a few comma problems and the like. I also note that you've gone to great lengths to avoid omniscient viewpoint, as we discussed last time. That's not easy to do--and yet it improves writing immeasurably. Good on you!
Now you need to start digging into details. There's still a little hyperbole: "Almost the entire population of the city had become still as all cast their attention in his direction when he came to the gates of the cemetery. Nobody moved from where they stood."
It's an excellent sentence and very dramatic, but think it through: is it possible a) for almost the entire population of a city to even know (or care) that he's home? Even if the tragedy has touched the community, there will be some who won't give a hoot--and in an age pre-dating instant access to news, many won't even realize the pirate captain has come home yet, much less that he's alive; and b) unless it's a small city and a big cemetery, I doubt they'd all be able to fit there.
A small cavil perhaps, but realism is important, especially with historical works. An entire crowd becoming still and not moving is a bit of a stretch, but plausible; certainly conversation would stop at first, then perhaps pick up in whispers, and "being still" of course doesn't mean being stock-still, it just means stopping in place and perhaps staring like gits. smile So it's not something I'd recommend taking out, just tweak it a bit.
I know that some of what is here is for our benefit to help set the scene, because you've probably already established some of the characters whose presence you're explaining here--for instance, the nasty relative. I hope he will fight her for the house, if appropriate--because a sister of a relative's wife doesn't deserve to have it--especially when she's so mean! (but that's my preferences showing; I have relatives like her. *shakes head*) However, when he raises his hand to still the forward motion of his comrades, that surprised me--there is earlier mention of the crew, but they don't seem to be "present in the moment" as it were.
If a character is there and is needed for any reason, a writer must make sure to give them their moment in the pin-spot--otherwise it potentially could look as if they were brought into the scene as needed. Not that this is what it looks like here, it was just a surprise. Maybe you could add in some description of how people fall back from them as the pirates march through the streets? Something like that? It's possible because of where you began the extract, we just missed that bit--in which case no issue. smile
The only part that gave me real pause was this: "...where all around it grew the usually very rare blue rose that seemed to have little trouble growing and blooming around the meadows above." The description makes it a little hard to quite picture how the rose is growing, and I'm a bit confused at the juxtaposition of "usually very rare" with "seemed to have little trouble..." I think you were going for the concept of this rare rose seeming to grow effortlessly to decorate this sad and desolate place... but it feels a little strange to me somehow as written. May I make a suggestion? (which you are free to jettison at will, of course! *g*) How about something like this?
"In the centre there stood a tall monument dedicated to his family. He paused before it, his expression guarded (or sad or thoughtful...). He was surprised and oddly touched to see how all around the monument there already grew a prolific, sweet-scented blue rose--one that in his experience was quite rare. He stared at it, pondering. Had someone not told him this rare rose was difficult to grow? And yet here it was, apparently having little trouble as it grew and bloomed all around and into the meadows above."
Something like that maybe? It seemed like a good thing, since you mentioned such a neat, interesting touch, to call attention to it somehow so that it is marked as an intentional anomaly to capture attention.
Anyway, there's my thoughts! I'm sorry I took so long to get back to you!
1.) In reference to commas, I've done English Language and Literature at A-level, and commas can be used in all the contexts I've used them in. Sometimes they are not needed to make a sentence work, but can still be used anyway. It usually depends on how the author wants the work to be read. Semi-colons tend to be a little more tricky though. One must discern whether one would fit and read right or not.
2.) Almost the entire population of the city, refers to about 70-80%. The city is large, but it's not massive. It's a naval port, and is pretty much my world's version of Portsmouth. There will be watchmen everywhere, and the ship coming in was once a commissioned ship-of-the-line. Upon seeing that, there's extreme excitement and uncertainty, causing a huge ruckus.
The townspeople all know the ship and they all know the family this young man belongs to. They've all heard stories and rumours about him, so most of them are interested in what's going on.
3.) Refer back to point 2 for this one.
4.) Please note, this is just a small extract I plucked out. Whispers are included here and there. The conversation doesn't really happen because EVERYONE knows about the tragedy, and many of them don't know how to react seeing as the sole survivor of the family has just returned.
5.) The woman does not deserve the house, no. However, the whole family was believed to be dead. She was the next candidate to take over it, and did so. At this stage, he can't be bothered to fight for it. He's a pirate now, and is much happier living on the high seas and at their hideout. Again, note this is JUST a small extract from the beginning of a chapter. There are two men with him, his best friend, and his quartermaster. He doesn't want to cause trouble, because it is a naval port and violent actions could get him hanged by the authorities. He doesn't care about the woman, but he's not bloodthirsty enough to want to kill someone like her. He's generally an easy-going, cheerful character, and doesn't kill for the sake of killing.
6.) When he makes his way up to the cemetery, they actually do fall back if you look carefully. If it's not there, then it's not in this extract. The blue roses are usually rare, yes. They are rare across the world, but they're more common in this particular place in the world. They grow in the meadows around the back of the city (note - just an extract again) sporadically. They were planted around the monument because his mother loved them, and they grow around it. I hope that makes sense.
He knows about the blue roses anyway, he did live in the city until the tragedy.
No offence Jasta, but you seem to assume that I haven't done something when all you're looking at is a very small portion of what I've written. I'd rather you ask questions if you're thinking these things other than assuming I've simply not done them. I am just adding random bits of pieces of my work to see what you think and what kind of feeling you get from it.
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Posted: Sat Dec 01, 2007 3:18 pm
DM_Melkhar No offence Jasta, but you seem to assume that I haven't done something when all you're looking at is a very small portion of what I've written. I'd rather you ask questions if you're thinking these things other than assuming I've simply not done them. I am just adding random bits of pieces of my work to see what you think and what kind of feeling you get from it.
But I stand by the fact that I liked it.
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Posted: Sun Dec 02, 2007 2:09 pm
I'm not offended. I'm just perhaps a little unsure of myself with my writing, and just felt that you weren't looking outside of the piece I'd shown you.
Unfortunately, I can't post the whole thing. I'm not partial to letting people read my work with the names of my characters in, because I've had ideas stolen from me in the past in role-playing, and there's no saying that people wouldn't do it with my writing either. My characters mean a lot to me.
When I speak to you over an instant messenger (you said you have AOL and I'll add you when I get around to it - many things happening right now), I may tell you a bit more. Please forgive me, I can be sceptical of anyone and everyone, even the friends who are close to me sometimes.
Could you tell me what you actually get from that piece of writing though? I know you did give a fair few thoughts before, but what about the character himself? I've not shown you his true personality really, but that's when he ends up at his lowest ebb (at least at this point in the book).
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Posted: Sun Dec 02, 2007 4:18 pm
Well, I'm glad and relieved that I didn't offend you!
I completely understand not wanting to post everything, because you're right... unfortunately there are a lot of lazy people out there who have no moral compunction about stealing and plagiarising. It's very sad, but I think you're right to be cautious. I had it happen to me in fanfiction, and because the person was posting her stuff in an archive run by her friends, they voted in her favour and let her get away with it. I simply stopped posting anything there... but it still hurts and makes me angry when I think about it.
I look forward to speaking with you on AIM! smile
Anyway, on to the character: I like him. He's the kind of character I generally like to read about, for one thing: a person with a complicated past, plenty of brooding angst going on, and yet it is clear he inspires both deep loyalty in others, and deep hatred. That makes for a very well-rounded character, with whom you can do all kinds of neat things. smile
What you've posted really whets my appetite--I look forward someday to reading more about him, to find out what has led to the decision to become a pirate... what others around him think of him... why his crew people joined him and why they remain, why those who hate him have chosen to do so. In my opinion, a good character is one that I like just as is--the way he or she is presented--but also offers all kinds of interesting glimpses into their past, how and why they are who they are, and some idea of what might happen to them in the future. This character is that kind of character. Since your job as the writer is to make people want to see more... I'd say you're doing your job. And I like your writing style.
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