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Tae decides that that is a good question. "Uh...Well...It would depend on what kind of "secretary" you want. If you want a literal secretary, I'd telegraph the head penguin from Brazil, for whom I worked for all summer. If you're talking about a different sort of "secretary", I'd ask the head penguin's human assistant JoeBob. I'm highly reccomended."

Mie sneaks sneakily into the headmaster's office. She is now wearing another jacket with the words "SECURITY" scribbled over them multiple times in different hands, as if the person with the silver sharpie were trying to find a new handwriting. This jacket wasn't the puffy black of before. No, it was a form-fitting, special-ordered flaking pink jacket with detachable lases all over it. She was wearing glasses, but they were horn-rimmed and pink. She looked formidable and utterly stupid. She hid behind the Ben Stein person and began mumbling in a believable impression of his voice incoherently.

Mie doesn't take the bait because she knows there is no such thing going on. Her private person who does dirty work for her (a.k.a. Jimmy the hamster- not Mr. Gerbil ninja ) was patroling the halls and would have told her immidiately if hot emo boys were having sex. Besides, she had better things to do. Mie suddenly wondered why she was babbling this aloud in a passable impression of Ben Stein.

And the Oscar goes to...*opens letter* Bore.

Episode 2: ????

Bore pats himself on the back, pleased with his ability to find such a hawt secretary in such a short amount of time. Very pleased indeed. That poses a quandry. Bore doesn't actually remember putting up a request for a secretary. That means that one of four other people did it: Mie, who is seemingly becoming Ben Stein's number one fangirl; Hiroku, who seemingly has a fetish for pieces of paper nailed to the wall; Jameta, who seemingly wishes to make a lovenest with Darc in headMASTER Bore's office; or Whoopi Goldberg, who's infinitely large v****a is now doing it's best to creep across Bore's desk and steal his prized Hot Dog Eating Contest Award for halfway participation. Bore cannot have that now, can he? "Take that, you evil monster!", cries Bore in his best Reegis Philbin impersonation. With that, he wacks Whoopi's evil v****a of doom with a nearby piece of stationary, which reads at the top: "The only object in the whole world that hasn't seen Paris Hilton's sex tape". Bore fondles the stationary fondly as the frightened v****a squeals and runs off to join it's dreadlocked-diva owner. Now, on to business. Bore realizes that he is starting to get used to the Ben Stein-ish fellow in the corner, and pats him fondly on the head before turning to Tae. "So, new secretary with a fabulous a**, your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to find the person who put the secretary request on the bulletin board. These are the suspects with a few handy dandy pull-out files." Bore hands them to Tae. "I'll be under my desk reading a tasteless romance novel. Later."

The profiles:

Hiroku: A total headcase. Was seen nailing pieces of paper to a cardboard cut-out of Francine and gasping with delight. In early 20's. Secretly wants the headMASTER.

Mie: God knows how old Mie is. She's taken to hanging around this Ben Stein fellow, so perhaps is his tool to infiltrate the office more thoroughly. He and that awful Verne Troyer. Secretly wants the headMASTER.

Jameta: Has a fetish for making lovenests in stolen places of power. Former mod. Would be extremely dangerous, but has too big of an obsession with wear tight-fitting undergarments to be a real threat. Secretly wants the headMASTER.

Whoopi: Ted Danza's ex. The dirty, dirty girl. Her v****a will try to thwart you at every turn, so proceed with extreme caution. Secretly wants Donald Trump's wife.

Bore makes a mental note to have Hiroku, Mie and Ben Stein all flayed, later. Because he isn't the main character of this episode.

Bore makes another mental note to give Tae a good spanking as punishment for not doing his job.

*slowly enters headMASTER's office* H-hello. I'm a new student here. Do you know where the Drama teacher is? sweatdrop