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 Posted: Fri Jul 06, 2007 10:10 am
Liran pushed the gate open and took several steps. He looked around at the few monks walking past him. A quick gust of wind lifted his gray cape of the ground and showed his plain leather clothing,and his bow,and quiver. His mind trailed of to the days when he lived monastery. He remembered running from his room on the second floor down to the courtyard, and then to the sanctuary. Another quick breezed brought him back. He walked up to the a giant wooden door,and looked up at the giant stained glass window. He pushed open the door and looked inside the sanctuary. He slowly walked up the center of the aisle .
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Posted: Fri Jul 06, 2007 10:57 am
((ah what the heck... you're obviously better in grammar and I'm always open for some critique!))
Valnea gently pushed the gate open all the way open and walked in. Her gaze drifted over the grounds and it's serene beauty. With a deep breath she smiled and turned to close the gate again. Her thoughts were calm but she still felt something nagging at the corner of her mind. Perhaps it was because the image of his eye when she told him she had to leave kept appearing every time she closed her eyes. Had it been the right thing to do to leave him behind? The 'clink' of the latch on the gate ripped her from her subconsciousness into reality. She let out a long sigh and began to walk further into the establishment.
It was very quiet even though she could see a few people wondering it's corridors. She managed to get a glimpse of a man entering a pair of large wooden doors and guessed it was where everyone's sleeping barracks were. The large pack on her pack did feel slightly heavy on her tired back but she wasn't ready to settle in quite yet, first she needed to clear her mind. She continued to walk straight, where she could see a few monks going into a temple to pray. Since she was after all in an abbey it would only be proper to give her respects.
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Posted: Fri Jul 06, 2007 10:58 am
Aeros Endeem ((Oh okay... that is like a bad habit.)) Aurak wasnt sure of the whole placement of the sleep quarters were, so he walked back downstairs with his things and tries to find someone that may know. Luckily he comes across a Monk, who just happens to walk by. "Excuse me, Sir?" He calls out to him. "Do you know if this place seperates the sleeping quarters by sexes?"
Lets see, known issues with this first sentence.Quote: Aurak wasnt sure of the whole placement of the sleep quarters were, so he walked back downstairs with his things and tries to find someone that may know.
Be sure to put your apostrophes in your words properly. Its not a huge problem, but it is annoying. Also, whole is unnecessary. It adds nothing to the sentence. Try reading your sentences out loud before deciding or not if you wish to keep them. If you can't speak it without it sounding funny, then there is probably something wrong with your writing. The opposite is not the case though. Just because something sounds good out loud doesn't mean that it will be all right written.
Larger issue: (bold)
Now the sentence itself isn't horrible. You change tenses though. This is a huge no no. We don't know if you're coming or going.definition Viewed in the strictest linguistic sense, English has only two tenses: nonpast tense and past tense, which are shown with the verb endings -Ø and -ed.
Quote: Aurak wasn't sure of the placement of the sleep quarters were, so he walks back downstairs with his things and tries to find someone that may know.
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Posted: Fri Jul 06, 2007 11:51 am
Squireof the son Liran pushed the gate open and took several steps. He looked around at the few monks walking past him. A quick gust of wind lifted his gray cape of the ground and showed his plain leather clothing,and his bow,and quiver. His mind trailed of to the days when he lived monastery. He remembered running from his room on the second floor down to the courtyard, and then to the sanctuary. Another quick breezed brought him back. He walked up to the a giant wooden door,and looked up at the giant stained glass window. He pushed open the door and looked inside the sanctuary. He slowly walked up the center of the aisle . Quote: Liran pushed the gate open and took several steps. He looked around at the few monks walking past him. Quote: Liran pushed the gate open and took several steps as a few monks walked past him. Quote: Liran pushed the gate open and took several steps. Looking around, he noticed a few monks clad in long robes walking by him.
Anyways, next.Quote: A quick gust of wind lifted his gray cape of the ground and showed his plain leather clothing,and his bow,and quiver.
thing 1, thing 2, thing 3 and thing 4
and so an example of this cleaned upQuote: A quick gust of wind lifted his gray cape off the ground showing his plain leather clothing, bow and quiver.
Ah, theres other things though, but because you made a decent sized post I can't go through all the sentences without making some sort of epic post and spending more time on you than the other students. I like keeping it fair so lets make a few ground rules you'll be able to call back to for your next post.
1. Do not use the same word to start out two sentences in a row. Its boring and bad form.
2. Do not use the same descriptive word such as giant two times in the same post. http://thesaurus.reference.com/ is your friend, use it well, use it often.
3.Make sure to write your posts up in word and review them. You mean to say "off" a lot and then instead write "of".
4. Try to combine sentences together. You seem to like a lot of short punches that read like
stop read this stop read this stop read this
By combining them together you won't be a choppy.
There is some good though. You have a brilliant view of how your character sees the world. The descriptions are lovely. I really look forward to reading more of how your character interacts with everyone else.
Like with everyone else, questions? comments? complaints? voice them.
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Posted: Fri Jul 06, 2007 12:53 pm
-Valnea- ((ah what the heck... you're obviously better in grammar and I'm always open for some critique!))
Valnea gently pushed the gate open all the way open and walked in. Her gaze drifted over the grounds and it's serene beauty. With a deep breath she smiled and turned to close the gate again. Her thoughts were calm but she still felt something nagging at the corner of her mind. Perhaps it was because the image of his eye when she told him she had to leave kept appearing every time she closed her eyes. Had it been the right thing to do to leave him behind? The 'clink' of the latch on the gate ripped her from her subconsciousness into reality. She let out a long sigh and began to walk further into the establishment.
It was very quiet even though she could see a few people wondering it's corridors. She managed to get a glimpse of a man entering a pair of large wooden doors and guessed it was where everyone's sleeping barracks were. The large pack on her pack did feel slightly heavy on her tired back but she wasn't ready to settle in quite yet, first she needed to clear her mind. She continued to walk straight, where she could see a few monks going into a temple to pray. Since she was after all in an abbey it would only be proper to give her respects.
Well I'm honored that you think so, but it looks as if you're probably par with me.
= @ @ =
So if I put anything down its going to be very small.
Notes
-Commas before the word butQuote: Perhaps it was because the image of his eye when she told him she had to leave kept appearing every time she closed her eyes. Quote: It was very quiet even though she could see a few people wondering it's corridors it's corridors. Quote: where everyone's sleeping barracks were definition 2. any large, plain building in which many people are lodged. Quote: where the sleeping barracks were
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Posted: Fri Jul 06, 2007 1:45 pm
Liran looks around,and sees a huge extravagant cross on the far wall. The light from the stained glass windows create a glare in front of it, making it more glorious. His stomach growls,and at that, quickly leaves the sanctuary. He sees a young boy in rather old clothing take off towards a building. Liran takes off, and follows him towards the dining hall. "Hungry too?" Liran yells.
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Posted: Fri Jul 06, 2007 8:42 pm
((okay i guess i'll retry that last post... starting from when he walks into the building...))
Aurak, Being a Dragon-Kin, had never been to a monastery before. He has always wondered what these buildings looked like from the inside, he looks behind himself, back at the large wooden doors, and then looks right of himself, to see one set of stairs. He looks to his left, to see another set of stairs. His brown and green scales emit a small gleam from the light coming in from outside. Aurak's wings felt crampt from being clamped to his body for so long, so he opens his large wings and sees his shadow below, the wings on his shadow, had a little brown tint from the sunlight coming in from outside. He also noticed how the shadow messes with his head, though he does have a dragon head, the shadow made it look like that he has just a triangle with horns. After his wings felt better, he collapses them onto his body. He goes up the left set of stairs with his things and sees a sleeping quarters. Does this place keep the sleeping quarters apart by sexes? He was amazed at how these beds were, they lined up in two rows, one on each wall, stretching out for a good, what he thought was thirty to fifty feet. He walks up to one of the beds and places his hand down on it and pushes a little, the beds were nice, and soft. Though they looked small from this angle, these beds were probably either twin or full size beds.
He wasn't sure about the way the sleeping quarters were set, he walks back downstairs with his things and tries to find someone that may know.
Luckily, he comes across a monk, who just happens to walk by.
He waves his hand at the monk. "Excuse me, sir?"
"Do you know if this monastery seperates the sleeping quarters by sexes?"
((there! ^_^ is that better? smile ))
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Posted: Sat Jul 07, 2007 4:25 am
Squireof the son Liran looks around,and sees a huge extravagant cross on the far wall. The light from the stained glass windows create a glare in front of it, making it more glorious. His stomach growls,and at that, quickly leaves the sanctuary. He sees a young boy in rather old clothing take off towards a building. Liran takes off, and follows him towards the dining hall. "Hungry too?" Liran yells.
Okay, first sentence is passable, but you do not need a comma before 'and', heres why:definition #3 The comma is often used to separate two independent clauses (a group of words that can function as a sentence) that are joined by a co-ordinating conjunction (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, and so, when they are used to connect; the acronym FANBOYS can be used as a memory aid). Some people feel this is obligatory, while others prefer to use the comma only when not doing so would lead to a different reading. * I passed the test, but he failed. (comma) — I passed the test and He failed can function as separate sentences * I walked home and left shortly after. (no comma) — Although I walked home is independent, left shortly after is dependent on the first part of the sentence link to full definition
Now for your second sentence,Quote: The light from the stained glass windows create a glare in front of it, making it more glorious.
Secondly, the word more.
Now, you can take it out and make the sentence Quote: The light from the stained glass windows created a glare in front of it making it glorious.
Again with the third sentence, a comma after and is not needed. I also believe instead of "at that" you wanted "with that" at that does refer to that point in time, but with that refers to with that particular event happening. The event is your stomach growling and with it happening you leave.Quote: His stomach growls,and at that, quickly leaves the sanctuary. Quote: His stomach growls and with that he quickly leaves the sanctuary. Quote: "Hungry too?" Liran yells.
As always, questions? comments? limericks perhaps even?
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Posted: Sat Jul 07, 2007 8:16 am
When he heared the voice call behind him he spun around, "Wha-Oof!" Unfortunately, he'd forgotten to stop running and stumbled, falling flat on his back. He slid wildly for several yards in the dry, dusty dirt trail before hitting a wall and stopping. He sat up and sneezed viciously. He then shook his head, which was several shades lighter due to all the dirt, and sneezed more as a result. He stood up stiffly and looked down at his shirt. "Aww... crap! How am I going to clean it now?" he sighed and started to pat his shirt, trying to get the dust off.
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Posted: Sat Jul 07, 2007 11:13 am
Aeros Endeem ((okay i guess i'll retry that last post... starting from when he walks into the building...)) Aurak, Being a Dragon-Kin, had never been to a monastery before. He has always wondered what these buildings looked like from the inside, he looks behind himself, back at the large wooden doors, and then looks right of himself, to see one set of stairs. He looks to his left, to see another set of stairs. His brown and green scales emit a small gleam from the light coming in from outside. Aurak's wings felt crampt from being clamped to his body for so long, so he opens his large wings and sees his shadow below, the wings on his shadow, had a little brown tint from the sunlight coming in from outside. He also noticed how the shadow messes with his head, though he does have a dragon head, the shadow made it look like that he has just a triangle with horns. After his wings felt better, he collapses them onto his body. He goes up the left set of stairs with his things and sees a sleeping quarters. Does this place keep the sleeping quarters apart by sexes? He was amazed at how these beds were, they lined up in two rows, one on each wall, stretching out for a good, what he thought was thirty to fifty feet. He walks up to one of the beds and places his hand down on it and pushes a little, the beds were nice, and soft. Though they looked small from this angle, these beds were probably either twin or full size beds. He wasn't sure about the way the sleeping quarters were set, he walks back downstairs with his things and tries to find someone that may know. Luckily, he comes across a monk, who just happens to walk by. He waves his hand at the monk. "Excuse me, sir?" "Do you know if this monastery seperates the sleeping quarters by sexes?" ((there! ^_^ is that better? smile )) Quote: Aurak, Being a Dragon-Kin, had never been to a monastery before.
Try this insteadQuote: Aurak, a dragon-kin, had never been to a monastery before.
Then we go back to run-on-sentence-itis.Quote: He has always wondered what these buildings looked like from the inside, he looks behind himself, back at the large wooden doors, and then looks right of himself, to see one set of stairs. Quote: He had always wondered what these buildings looked like from the inside. Taking a look behind himself, back at the large wooden doors, then to the right, he spies a set of stairs.
Its a question of flow. Remember, every comma is read as a pause. Quote: He looks to his left, to see another set of stairs. Quote: He looks to the left, seeing another set of stairs. Quote: He looks to the left and sees another set of stairs
That is about where I'm going to stop with this post because it tends to have the same mistakes over and over again. Again, good show on content amount, but I was really looking for about half of that or a third. So lets move on, create a new post with half the sentences and try to incorporate what I've mentioned here. Speak your sentences out loud before committing yourself to them. Don't be afraid to delete something you think is not quite right and try something totally different.
To note though, some of your best sentences don't have commas at all in them, so perhaps thats something to think about.
As always, questions, comments, complaints? Go ahead and say them.
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Posted: Sat Jul 07, 2007 8:55 pm
Omirao When he heared the voice call behind him he spun around, "Wha-Oof!" Unfortunately, he'd forgotten to stop running and stumbled, falling flat on his back. He slid wildly for several yards in the dry, dusty dirt trail before hitting a wall and stopping. He sat up and sneezed viciously. He then shook his head, which was several shades lighter due to all the dirt, and sneezed more as a result. He stood up stiffly and looked down at his shirt. "Aww... crap! How am I going to clean it now?" he sighed and started to pat his shirt, trying to get the dust off. Quote: When he heared the voice call behind him he spun around Quote: When he heard the voice call from behind him, Raoden spun around.
Otherwise, I really love this post I really do. Its so full of action and character. I really enjoy how charming and endearing your character is portrayed as. One note though. You start every sentence with he. It might take some digging but you really need to move your sentences around so you don't always start with that he.
Quote: He sat up and sneezed viciously. Quote: Then, he sat up and sneezed viciously.
-A moment later
-Then
-Suddenly
-While
-At that moment
-Also
:3
Try some of those out for size. There are others, but I think they'll come to you.
Otherwise, you're doing wonderfully. Here you started out with some blaring problems and you've reduced them to some very small things you can change easily.
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Posted: Sat Jul 07, 2007 9:58 pm
I knight you my grammar nazi.
Holy Moly, seriously, thank you.
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Posted: Sat Jul 07, 2007 11:04 pm
OOc : =<<= Lulz thank you Penden. I am the nazi of grammar! WORSHIP ME AS THE GOD I AM....
=>>=
You didn't hear that...any of you.
_________________________________________________________
::As she approaches the abbey, night now firmly settled into the sky, Aniur hears shouts echoing across its walls. Obviously the new students had arrived and were currently running amuck up and down the shrine's stone stairways. Raising her hand to her temple and shaking her head, she gives a small sigh.::
~It always happens like this doesn't it? Well, don't let it surprise you too much now. They'll fall into line soon enough.~
: razz lacing her right hand in its customary spot on her hilt, she pushes the heavy wooden doors to the abbey open with her left and walks into the room. At exactly six pm, she enters the dinning room at the far end of the hall and takes her place at the head of the table. Her scabbard scraps against the rough stone flooring softly as she straightens her posture and waits to be served by the monastery staff.::
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Posted: Sun Jul 08, 2007 3:30 pm
Aurak hears the first bell toll from above. He looks up in the direction of the toll. Wasn't i supposed to be somewhere?
"OH DRACK! IT IS 6! I NEED TO GET TO THE DINING ROOM!"
Aurak rushes down the halls to find the dining room
--2nd toll--
Aurak got into a different room with pews, kinda like a normal church would be. But he didnt stay, he rushed back out.
--3rd toll--
He rushes by the restrooms and other rooms in a long hallway, he can see the dining room ahead.
--4th toll--
He keeps running to the dining room and finally reaches the door.
--5th toll--
He walks in, panting from all that running, he walks to a nearby empty chair and pulls it out, and stands there.
--6th toll--
Whew! i made it... now do i sit down or what?
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Posted: Mon Jul 09, 2007 8:32 am
Liran winced as he sees the young boy slam into the wall. “That had to hurt. You okay?!”, Liran walks over to him. “Hi. I’m Liran. Nice to meet you. I’m sure the monks around here can give you a shirt. Come on. We’re almost to the dining hall ,and it’s already six.”
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