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 Posted: Fri May 04, 2007 3:42 pm
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
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Posted: Fri May 04, 2007 3:46 pm
The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office. "How was work, dear?" his wife asks.
"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.
"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks nicely.
"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! All right! Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? Huh?"
At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.
Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month."
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Posted: Fri May 04, 2007 3:48 pm
Signs That You are Too Drunk
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Your job is interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alchohol stream.
Your career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
You sincerely believe alchohol is the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence? I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth.. - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
You can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
You fall off the floor..
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
At AA meetings you begin: 'Hi my name is.. uh..'
Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed.
The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in..
You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alchohol, and [Women or Men].
Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
Roseanne looks good.
Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
I'm as sober as a judge.
The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.
You wake up screaming 'TORO TORO TORO!' in the middle of the night.
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Posted: Fri May 04, 2007 3:49 pm
Sotally Tober
Starkle starkle little twink
who the hell you are I think
I'm not under what you call
the alcofluence of incohol
I'm just a little slort of sheep
I'm not drunk like tinkle peep
I don't know who is me yet
but the drunker I stand here
the longer I get
Just give me one more drink
to fill me cup
'cuz I got all day sober
to Sunday up.
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Posted: Sun May 06, 2007 5:28 am
xXx_Kingdom_Hearts_xXx Signs That You are Too Drunk
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Your job is interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alchohol stream.
Your career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
You sincerely believe alchohol is the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence? I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth.. - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
You can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
You fall off the floor..
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
At AA meetings you begin: 'Hi my name is.. uh..'
Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed.
The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in..
You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alchohol, and [Women or Men].
Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
Roseanne looks good.
Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
I'm as sober as a judge.
The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.
You wake up screaming 'TORO TORO TORO!' in the middle of the night. >> << I think I might have a problem. >>; XD
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Posted: Tue May 22, 2007 8:48 pm
You know you're in TN when you have to use the AC and Heater in one day.
Giggle at my funnies, bish.
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Posted: Tue May 22, 2007 9:41 pm
!!!***!!!OFFENSIVE CONTENT!!!***!!!
hitler was sitting at a bar
his second in command is beside him
a man walks in and asks hitler what his plans for the war are
hitler replies "I will kill 50 000 000 jews and one post man"
the man asks "why the postman?"
hitler turns to his second in command and says "you see no one cares about the jews"
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Posted: Wed May 23, 2007 1:15 am
That was horrible, rocker.
But I laughed. ._. so I feel bad now.
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Posted: Wed May 23, 2007 11:16 am
how many lawyers does it take to srew in a light bulb??
how many can yo afford!! lol
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Posted: Wed May 23, 2007 4:24 pm
Knock Knock
Whoses there?
Impatient cow.
Impatie---
MOO!
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Posted: Tue May 29, 2007 12:35 am
Adam Hills-On the Australian National Anthem:
It's just not the most inspiring anthem in the world is it? I mean, the words are alright: 'Australians all let us rejoice, for we are young and free', except for that last line 'our home is girt by sea.' 'Cos 'girt' means surrounded. How many of you have ever used the word 'girt' in a sentence in your life? Seriously, you never see a policeman and 4 police cars outside your house saying : 'Come out of there with your hands up, we have you girt.'
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Posted: Tue May 29, 2007 2:27 am
xXx_Kingdom_Hearts_xXx Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alchohol stream.
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Posted: Tue May 29, 2007 2:50 am
From some comedian that has been on Conan O'Brien a couple times:
"I've been thinking about getting tattoo just above the speedo. Just above the 'banana hammock'.
It'll read,
'Caution: Choking hazard.
Ages 21 and up.
May contain nuts.' "
Oh... And imagine that with a British accent.
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Posted: Wed Jun 20, 2007 8:36 pm
A man comes home from a long, exhusting day at work. When goes into the kitchen to get a drink of water, he hears his wife calling fo him so he goes upstairs looking for her.
"I'm in the bedroom, Sweetie,"She calls to him. As he walks in he sees her dressed in lingerie sprawled out on the bed. Around her are many kinky things such as whips, chain, rope, gags etc. She tells him he can do anything to her so long as it makes him happy.
"Anything?" He question. She repeats herself and says she doesn't care what her does so long as he is happy.
He smirks then binds and gags her to the bed. He then calls up his buddies to go pay golf. ^^
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Posted: Thu Jun 21, 2007 9:05 pm
Bob was so stupid that he failed recess
and kindergarden
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