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 Posted: Wed May 02, 2007 2:03 pm
Critique by Kaori_luv
History
I like how you defined what a billabong is for people who do not know what it is. The explanation of the dreamtime bunyip is very intriguing and I really felt you gave enough without giving too much, however when you describe the modern version the image that I got perceived of the dreamtime bunyip contradicted the image described for modern sightings. Doing so just confuses me as to what the actual creature is supposed to look like. Also the modern description contradicts the image you provided in the first post. This however is clarified as you read about the sighting, which provide wonderful visuals of the creature. I think you should clarify that the creature is classified into the dog-faced and long-necked bunyip, but say the other characteristics mention may still be and often are present. It was wonderful that you provided extra links to read up on the creature. All in all well done on the history.
Basic
Maybe it would be possible if you could to provide a pronunciation of the name? Make sure to mention which version you are going on, because the history mentions modern day time, view the bunyip as a vegetarian, even though it should be obvious this may confuse some. I think the clouded memory should be more to the effect of people seeing basically the same form, either dog-face or long neck, with varying other physical characteristics. Based on sightings, I would like to know, can she swim? If so can she swim well? The weaknesses are good, actually just really rounded out with her abilities.
Past Life
I enjoyed the story but found it hard to feel any sympathy for her. It just seemed like a she had it coming to her. It really didn’t seem like she was wrongfully killed, but instead punished for the many she killed. I think it was nice at first that you just made it seem like she was just a crocodile, but I think for the most part during the story it just seemed like you were telling a story about a crocodile who was killed for killing humans. I think maybe you should have human give more of her fight to have pulling on or hitting some of her distinct features, so that maybe you can describe her and get the crocodile view of the reader mind. Maybe those who kill her should celebrate her death and wear her fur or something. I just think you need move away from the crocodile view.
Personality
I think the personality is simple and to the point, which good. I think you once again give enough without giving too much. I think you need to add a reaction to her past as a teen which is when she would find out about her past life. I love how she is feral, then less feral, than more feral. It was also nice that you didn’t completely rid herself of the need for the company of others. Otherwise, once again well done, but again I wonder if she can swim.
Appearance
I loved her description. I think it as fine as is, but I didn’t like how you finally find out she is probably a good swimmer in this category. I think you should find out for sure much earlier.
Extras
Simple, basically a restatement of what was explained in the personality and that’s good.
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Posted: Fri May 18, 2007 10:16 am
Alright, I added a bit to her death story so that it makes more sense for her to be killed unfairly/horribly. I hope it works better. eek!
Thank you for your critique Kaori! I really appreciate it!
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