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Not bad at all. I would add some description physically for the characters though, that would enhance their image in the reader's head and even have the side effect of making it longer.

I'm can't believe people other than my class liked it.

Muuuuuhaha!
A snip of a story I started..
And never finished.
.....
-swipes at Sparklers like a wound up kitten- >ooooo
Kind of a tear-jerker.
...
Kind of. >.o

~

Anna clutched onto her mother's yellow robe in fear. She hid her face in the soft clothing covering her mother's body, shielding the overwhealming smell of smoke and ash from her face. Her mother lovingly hugged her, crying silently. The firefighters moved quickly, and in about an hour, the fire was nothing more than smoldering rock. The house was a complete mess. Almost nothing was different than the black ash laying on the green grass. The only thing that remained was a few boards that had survived, and a lot of broken glass. It was depressing, but more saddening was to know that the girl's father was in that fire.

The few hours before this misshap were full of anger and hatred. Anna's father was packing his things; he and his wife had been fighting for far too long, he thought, and it was time to go. As her mother always did when she was upset or troubled, she would clean or cook. At that moment, as Anna slept, the tv in the livingroom unexpectedly(Is that a word? O.o) exploded. Sparks flew, smoke arose, and that was the very start of the fire. Anna's mother grabbed her from her room as soon as she smelled smoke. She didn't take any chances when it came to fire. Anna only held onto two toys that she loved dearly; A beautiful doll named Jenna, and a stuffed bear that seemed to have been very loved. The doll looked brand new, which was not true. Anna had owned Jenna for more than half of her six years, and had stopped atnothing to make sure she was taken care of. The bear, who had the simple name Teddy, was another story. She'd had him all of her life, and loved him the most. Jenna was too beautiful, in Anna's eyes, to get dirty and whatnot. But Teddy wasn't like that. He was basically her best friend, since no one at school liked her.

The firefighters soon found Anna's father. and of course, he was dead. It was sad, really, to see the little girl trying to get to her father, screaming, "No, don't take my daddy away! Mommy, he's just sleeping, isn't he?" And that's when her mother broke down in tears as she pulled her daughter away from her father and hugged her.
/End flashback/

".. And that's all I remember of him..."
Anna twirled her long black bangs on her finger, staring out a window as she spoke on the phone with her best friend, Lydia.
"Wow.. I'm sorry Anna. I had no idea that.."
"It's nothing. It happened almost ten years ago.. let's forget it.." Anna dropped her hand and quieted her voice toward the end of the sentance. It hurt to talk about him, and she just wanted to make Lydia stop prying so hard.
There was an awkward silence between them both as Anna fidgeted with her freshly painted nails, shaking them to try and dry them. She could hear Lydia rustling through what sounded like, papers? Why on earth was she doing that?
Lydia finally broke the silence with an obvious lie to get off the phone with Anna.
"Well, my mom wants to use the phone to call her brother, so I'll talk to you at school tomorrow, alright?"
"Yeah, whatever. Bye." Anna clicked the phone off and half dropped it on the dresser.
"Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with her..." Anna clicked her nails on the dresser quietly, then turned and fell onto her bed with a groan.
"Lydia's mom doesn't even have a brother." She grumbled, rolling her eyes. She guessed Lydia thought she was a gullable moron.
'Great,' she thought bitterly, 'I have a friend that lies to me, ditches me, steals my boyfriends, and calls me things behind my back. I'm way too forgiving.'

Since I got such nice feedback I'm going to write another. This one is complete, but I can't write it all now.

Beep...Beep...Beep! Click! "Is it time to get up already?" Sirenity asked herself as she got out of bed. She turned and looked at her alarm clock. "Ahhh! I'm gonna be late!" She jumping out of bed. It was 7:20 in the morning. She was going to be late for school. She threw on her school uniform and grabbed her bookbag.

"Siren-" Before her mother could finish she was out the door.

"I'm late, I'm late, I'm late!" She said as she ran. Sirenity went to a prestigious private school, so tardyness wasn't tolerated. She decided to run threw the park since the school was on the other side. She kept running, failing to see the person coming out from between the trees. BAM! Sirenity fell with a thud. "Awww! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! See I wasn't paying attention to where I was going and-" She stopped dead in her sentence. She had bumped cutest boy she had ever layed eyes on.

"Um, excuse me. Are you o.k?" The boy asked, moving his hand infront of her eyes. Sirenity relized she was staring and snapped out of it.

"Oh, I'm sorry. It's just you're so-" Sirenity stopped again. She couldn't just say he was the hottest guy she ever met. So she decided to change the subject instead. "Hi, I'm Sirenity. What's your name?

"Oh, I'm-" Ding-Dong! The school bell stopped the boy from answering.

Kei, that is so cliche and unoriginal.... bah....

Its well written, I'll give you that, but lacks all personality. Again, this has to do with the cliche thing. You should have twisted the scene, then it would be better.

I've read this over and over... you aren't the first to write that idea down....

I'm sorry if it's cliche. It was my first time writing something like that.

An exerpt from chapter 2 of my Gundam Fanfiction - MSG SEED: Repent. 3 of our current 6 chapters can be found at my deviant, and I cut out a lot of excess in here to reduce the length. I also couldn't do much about the spacing at the beggining of paragraphs....very sorry it's so long. sweatdrop

She smiled. “Well tell God I’m sorry for scaring him.” She fiddled with the price tag on the dress. “Hey, call Mark and see where they are while I go pay for this, will you?”
Rob shrugged. “Sure.” He said reaching for his phone. They had only gone down a few stores, but it didn’t hurt to call.
He dialed Marks number, and watched Rachel as the phone rang. It rang 5 times, and then went to voice mail. Odd. He thought. Rob dialed again; still no answer. “Hey, Rachel,” he called to her. “I’m going to step out and try calling.” Maybe I’m just not getting good reception.
“Ok, I’ll be there in a second!” She called back.
Rob walked and dialed for the third time with still no answer. Outside the store, he stopped by one of the many couches set around the mall. He dialed a fourth, and this time he got an answer.
“Hello.” The voice sounded deep and older. Defiantly not Mark.
“Who are you?”
“Ah, but you know who I am.” The voice stated.
Rob was aware briefly of Rachel dropping down to the couch behind him to watch. Suddenly, he did not want to let her out of his sight. “What’s the meaning of this? Where’s Mark?”
The voice laughed. “The meaning of this? For a blue and pure world, my friend. All for the preservation of our blue and pure world.” A click as the voice hung up.
Robs eyes went wide. For a blue and pure world? Did I hear correctly? s**t! He turned to Rachel. She stood up worriedly, asking what was wrong.
“We have to go.”
“What?” Her voice had a hint of fear in it.
“We have to go now,” Rob said putting his phone away and taking Rachel’s arm at the same time.
Rachel pulled her arm back and stood her ground. “Rob what’s going on?”
Then there was an extremely laud sound, a horn of some kind, so loud it made them cover their ears involuntarily. Rachel dropped her bag and staggered into Rob, who held her close regardless of the pounding in his head.
It stopped as abruptly as it began. Rob looked around, confused and trying to ignore the tremendous ringing in his ears. Clerks and shopkeepers had come out to see what was happening. Rachel, too, had lifted her head from Rob’s chest to look. People began to gather in groups and mutter quietly. Rachel took his hand and moved as close to him as possible. Rob didn’t resist; he was scared, but she was terrified and lost. He felt a strong need to protect her at all costs.
Then, quite suddenly, the ceiling began collapsing. Rachel screamed and threw herself into Rob, throwing them both on the ground. Out of the corner of his eye, Rob caught something large and metallic silver that he knew wasn’t there before as he hit the ground hard. Rachel came down on him, screaming and going into frenzy.
“Rachel!” He called. “Rachel stop!” He took both her hands and rolled himself over, putting himself on top of her to shield her body with his. “Rachel!!” He yelled in her face.
She stopped fighting and looked at him. Rob released her after she had calmed down. Pieces of the ceiling above them fell around the two. People were running frantically for safety, screaming and crying. Rob flinched as a chunk of cement from the second floor fell a foot away from them. Christ. He thought sharply. We have to get out of here.
To the left of them there was a loud bang, followed by the screams of people. Rachel screeched and threw her arms around Rob’s neck, pulling him down. He grunted, pulling her off his neck then dragged her to her feet with him. He took her hand in his and pulled her with him as they ran towards the nearest exit. She began sobbing, he heard, and he felt sorry she was in the middle of this.
Up ahead, he saw an exit where a clerk was herding people out. Rob became aware of the alarm and wondered when it had sounded. He shook his head, ignoring it and concerning himself with Rachel’s safety. He sped up his sprint a little.
Then there was a gunshot, and not a second later did the bullet ricochet off the ground in front of him. Rachel screeched and hid behind Robs back. “Robbie!! Oh my god, we were just shot at!”
Rob ignored her as she clung to his shirt. Off to the left, where the first bang had come from, he saw a figure. The pilot. He thought. Rob turned to face him, making sure he pushed Rachel behind him. The man was dressed in a gray and black pilots suit, walking towards them with a pistol trained on Rob. Dammit, he thought. If I make any sudden moves, he’d just shoot us.
Though he might do that anyway. Rob thought grimly. He was annoyed the pilot still wore his helmet with the tinted facemask and he couldn’t identify the man.
Rachel was trembling and sobbing behind him. He risked taking his eyes off the approaching gunman and turned to comfort her.
“Rachel, please, you’re going to be ok. Calm yourself down, alright?” He told her in a soft voice.
Rachel nodded and began to say something, but another voice cut her off. “You, boy. Turn around and come here.”
The voice was deep and booming, very powerful sounding. Rachel flinched at the command and reached for Rob. He shook his head no and smiled at her, then turned around and walked to the gunman. He was getting close now; maybe ten foots distance. If only he could get close enough to disarm the man..
No, don’t do that. He’s a terrorist, that’s exactly what he wants.
“Come here.” The gunman said, nodding to the area in front of him. Rob obeyed reluctantly.
“That’s fine there.” The gunman said, stopping Rob just out of arms reach.
“Do not hurt her.” Rob said, glaring darkly at the man.
The man laughed a little. “I have no interest in her, Rob Schneider.” A look of surprise crossed Robs face. “That’s right, I know who you are.”
Robs mind raced. Who the hell would come looking for me? Then it clicked.
“Don.” Rob said with a hint of hatred.
“I’m happy you remember who I am.”
Robs eyes narrowed. “Here to kill me? Just like you did my father?” Rachel whimpered.
“Here to make you an offer.” Rob looked a little surprised. “Join me, Rob. Join me and we will put an end to the war.”
Rob didn’t hesitate. “Not a chance in hell Don.”
“Need I remind you of the situation you’re in right now? Right now, Schneider, you have a gun pointed at your head, and a terrorist to pull the trigger. Die right in front of your girlfriend, is that what you want? Your family has been killed, by the way, and I could just choose to move the mobile suit and let the building fall on top of you. I’m being pretty generous, if you ask me.”
Rob noticed for the first time that the building had stopped falling around them. A giant hand was now above them, possibly the same one he saw as he fell. He also noticed that none of Cyrus 8’s mobile suit defense team was trying to take control of Wulf Project. Something Don said bothered him. “My family..?”
“That’s right. All dead. I enjoyed killing them. No resistance whatsoever. They just took their bulled to the head as if it were a shot at the doctors office.”
Rage, fear, and sorrow hit Rob all at once. They’re dead, they’re all dead. He kept telling himself over and over. His mind created its own version of how they had died.
“Know what else, Rob? Your father was a fun victim. God now how fun that was. I shot his body until it was no longer recognizable. You damn coordinators don’t deserve to exist!”
Rob’s mind went blank. Before he knew it, he was charging at Don with a fist aimed for his face. He heard Rachel cry “No!” and for a second wondered what he was doing. As if in slow motion, a bolt of pain went through his chest, followed by a bang. The gunshot. Oh my god, he just shot me.