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"Yes, I was a guard. A soldier first, but then a guard." He was dwelling on the past, doing it deliberately. Picking at the old wound allowed him to avoid thinking of this new one. Perhaps that was the advantage of suffering. One could at least pick their pain.

Even so, he was hyperaware of his reptilian friends nearness. Especially the pressure of that tail against his arm. And it had to be the tail, of course, because it was the tail that really had the power to drive him nuts. There was such powerful grace to tails. He missed his tail.

Still, he listened. Listened because his friend was speaking, and was making excellent points. Kian usually did, he was learning. He could make a good leader, Autsu observed, distantly, even as his mind whirled and his skin buzzed with the thrill of contact.

His hand, the one not still wrapped around the ring he wore at his neck, was shaking. Shaking not with fear, but with the effort required just to keep himself from, almost automatically, reaching out to stroke the tail that rested so casually against his arm.

"I think Archie is trustworthy. I spoke with him, and he seems to care. Perhaps even he can be part of what we are attempting."

He licked his lips nervously.

"Yes. If we had a place to gather. And it would be easier, if we had such a place, to see to other needs."

Oh?

Oh.

Never mind the dizzy anxiety of the moment, Autsu was still listening. And so he able to find some sense in the other boy's words, was able to sort through bland statement beneath it meaning. Kian had been a rebel? He did not know if he was surprised. There had not been much in the way of rebellion, on his planet. War, yes, but not rebellion. The people were content with their place. Did not reach outside their class.

Except one stupid Di'.

"We will guard each other, now."

And, having said it, he realized it was true. There was something to fear there. He had not done in well in the past, playing the stony guardian. But it was something they both needed.

Alright, now this was starting to require a bit of readjustment. Having Kian so close was not simply distracting, it required a bit of a different pose than simply being crosslegged. After a moments consideration, he straightened his legs and put his hands behind him, one more behind Kian than himself, weight resting more on his arms now. He streached his wings out, then let them settle again, half open. It moved him into more comfortable closeness with the other, and while that was exactly what he didn't want, if Kian was going to be there, he was going to accomidate for him.

"I would like it to be all our own. More neutral, that way. But I am not sure how to do it. Perhaps Archie will know, or 'ther."

Unlike Kian, Autsu had never lived in a particularly physical environment. In Ex'Di'Ne, his childhood had been deliberately structured, deliberately cold. In the army, well, there'd been plenty of screwing, just to relieve the tension. But they hadn't been the sorts to cuddle. And on Gaia, well, both Kniene and Sethos were very loving. And some of that love was expressed through touch, ruffling hair, or a pat on the soldier. But mostly, it was expressed through smiles, nods, quiet moments of shared contemplation. It wasn't that they weren't warm people, but they all coped silently with their own private pain.

Only Narin had ever sat anything like this with him. Only Narin had been held in his arms, nuzzled or casually kissed. Narin who demanded warmth from him, and would accept nothing else.

And so, Kian's closeness was not only unusual, it was unavoidably reminicent of things both painful and sacred. And of course, it didn't help with the hormones either. To Autsu, close contact was almost invaribly connected to sex. And he knew Kian wasn't thinking that. Knew that Kian could not possibly have any idea what he was doing to him. Knowing it did not make it much either.

His breath hissed through his teeth, as he briefly lost his so carefully maintained control.

He couldn't do this. He couldn't. And Kian was talking, and he had to focus or he was going to do something he would seriously regret.

He managed to hear the words, picking them out individually then stringing them together to make sense of them. So he was a little late smiling at Kian's joke. The humor had to sink in past the fizzling in his brain first.

Still he smiled. "Only those from my world. I have been practicing hand to hand, some, with my brother. But I have no access to weapons."

He couldn't take it, he just couldn't. It was too much, and his blood was quite literally screaming in his veins. Take any thirteen year old boy. Put someone they are strongly attracted to practically in their lap. See how well they managed self control. All things considered, Autsu was doing rather well.

"Anne--" What the hell was he supposed to say? Anne if you get any closer I am not responsible for my actions? Anne, I'm still in love with that b*****d that didn't even say goodbye, so I'd rather not be attracted to you? Anne, let me help you out of those hot clothes? "I--"

A sound at the door, and Autsu's head jerked around, his posture straightened, his eyes glared. Maybe it made him look guilty. But Autsu was a soldier, a guard, and the entrance was unexpected.

When he realized the intruder was one of Kian's family, he shot him a look of utter gratitude, a look that lasted just about as long as it took Iamel to talk. No, please. Someone, Father's goddess perhaps, should just strike him dead where he sat.

Why was he doomed to have people always finding him in situations such as this? When he had a house, he would put in locks, everywhere.

"It is only that we were speaking, and he became concerned about my health." He explained, sounding less shaken than he was. He at least didn't sound guilty. He was honest, usually, and expected to be treated as honest. "I would not--" He searched his still somewhat limited vocabulary for an appropriate word, "shame Anne. We are allies."

He would not, had not done anything. And he would not be blamed for something that it had taken all his self control to avoid.

Autsu was silent as he listened to Iamel speak. He remained silent as Kian spoke in confusion, and as the Bird threw out his lovely closing remark. Silent. His expression utterly unreadable because if there was one look he could manage, it was one of stoic patience. Silent until the door closed, and then he turned to Kian, taking advantage of the resultant confusion to scoot and twist so that he once again faced Kian.

Reaching out, he took one of the sodas and took a drink from it, enjoying how it seemed almost overpoweringly sweet. 'ther did not buy soda.

"Ally... you ask complicated questions." Surely, fate was laughing at him. First, make him desire sex, and then, make him explain it? As if that wouldn't make this whole situation all the worse. Guns, why couldn't they speak of guns?

"Your brother is crude. I was crude, once." He thought he might like Iamel, despite disliking the situation he found himself in.

"It must have been different, where you come from. But on my planet, 'mating' was primarily recreational, and it is so, here. Procreation is an optional side effect."

Maybe that would be enough. Maybe Kian would forget about the shame bit.

Autsu winced, as perhaps any male of any age would wince at Kian's explination. Ouch. Well, perhaps it was a blessing to be reborn then? At least Kian had probably gotten all his parts back. Or maybe he hadn't lost them? Kian had said he was a rebel, and he'd just said that the rebels mate.

All right, that was enough time spent contemplating the current and past state of Kian's genetalia.

Besides, Kian was drinking now, and that was rather distracting in its own right.

"We were born without, and developed gender as we aged." It seemed somehow, that Kian's openess demanded a return. That he had to say something of his own past. "We changed much, as we aged. It is why the classes, the traditions, were so important."

He took another drink from his soda before even attempting to approach the boy's other question. He couldn't mean it, could he? But of course he did. Kian was not the sort to joke, at least, not outside his one attempt.

"Sex between males is not uncommon on my planet. Or sex between females. Only sex between the classes is not done."

Still no explination of his use of shame. But he was at least offering some explinations.

It must be noted, here, that Autsu had a unique relationship with words. It came from his brother Sethos. Sethos, who had not spoken for months after his arrival, by choice, had taught him of the power of words. Had taught him the nuance of meaning. So if Autsu was occasionally blunt, it was because he chose to be. If he occasionally groped for a word, it was usually placed elegantly when he found it.

And so, when Kian spoke, asked, he did not flounder as much as he might have, otherwise. Nor did he blush, black skin hid a multitude of sins, as his scales once had.

"I did not mean to avoid your question, ally." He said, sincerely, almost calm now that the minefield had become all the more difficult to navigate. But Kian's regard was on the line, and he did not intend to lose his one true friend. Did not intend to lose anything, in this life. He had lost too much in the past. And in truth he was afraid, very afraid, of being abandoned again. Presented with the danger of loss, he was ready to be more transparent than he really wanted to be.

"I was not speaking of desire, when I said that." He paused, picking words carefully, doing his best to reveal without going to far into the past, the dark. "I spoke of past sins. I am here because-- I made poor choices, of who to love."

This was all true. He had not been thinking of his desire for Kian when he spoke of shaming him. He had meant that Kian was a leader figure. The class awareness in Autsu's mind did not allow for relations between them.

It hadn't gone well, the last time.