Okay, this is a critique working top to bottom. Like most of the critiques I do, I'm going to be touching on the character aspects more than technical aspects such as writing form, grammar, etc.,. unless it's utterly confusing. I'm not going to worry overly much on improper punctuation of anything like that; I'm not a proof reader. I can, however, point out character things that need to be worked on, logic flaws, etc.,. I don't try to be cruel but I'm not going to sugarcoat anything I say because, frankly, I've never found fluffy critique to be helpful myself and I don't know why anyone else would
want one if they really want to improve their concept. Anyway, that said, on with the critique!
Introductory Comments:I'm going to state that right up front I don't really understand why you would want to go for this particular concept. Vicare, as per wikipedia, is the Etruscan version of Icarus. It is NOT a different character. It's
derived from the Greek mythological figure (
source). Furthermore, there is nothing remotely magical about the character Icarus (or, in this case Vicare). Yes, the story revolves around wax wings that somehow worked, but they weren't even constructed by Icarus (Vicare). As far as I know Icarus (Vicare) was a human being who got a stroke of luck and stupidly took advantage of it. He was not magical.
As is, it really seems like you're kind of trying to make a loophole for a rule (No Greek myths) that was set in place because there were already heaps of mythologies drawn from that culture in use. I'm just confused why you'd pigeonhole yourself into such a questionable concept in the first place. You're a good writer, you develop fairly interesting characters, I just don't see this working because the mythbase is so flimsy and frankly when I look at it I think 'Huh, this person just wants this Greek myth so they reworked it sneakily so it would get approved.'
Now, about your sources. I understand that there's not a lot to work with in terms of the Etruscans. However, you shouldn't limit yourself to just working off the myth. Did you consider looking into the cultural aspects of the civilization? The religious beliefs? (Which, there's not much and honestly a LOT of it is combined with Greek and Roman stuff which kind of invalidates the quest further). Why not include that in your source material? Just doing some wikipediaing I found some interesting cultural stuff on the Etruscans.
Just because the myth itself has limited text doesn't mean you can't branch out. My Fa'e's mythbase (Cathleen Ni'Houlihan) had all of two mentions and maybe a paragraph of information. So what did I do? I dug into the culture surrounding the mythbase, dug into the HISTORY and worked from there. I'd highly encourage taking a look at all that if you want to give your quest something to actually stand on.
History:Well written, fairly interesting. The 'in character' version doesn't have much feeling in it though. While we're viewing it from Vicare's point of view while he's FALLING TO HIS DEATH, it reads extremely dryly. There should be emotion there. The guy's careening to the sea where he will doubtlessly drown and die after being imprisoned for who knows how long. There should be frustration, fear, SOMETHING reflected in the narrative, even if it is Vicare thinking about past events for much of passage.
Also, I just want to repeat the fact that it seems shady when this is essentially the Greek version of the myth with a bunch of names changed. I'm aware you can't find the 'Etruscan version' but did you ever consider the possibility that there might not have BEEN an Etruscan version? The civilization itself was pretty much absorbed by the Greek culture, therefore it could very well be exactly the same thing - practically Greek. Again, just expressing my frustration with the mythbase in general and the possibility of it not technically sitting comfortably within the rules.
Anyway, back to the actual history. Generally speaking it's well written and informative and does all the things a history section should do. My only real suggestion other than the aforementioned would be to scrap the concept of 'In character' and 'out of character.' I'd go one or the other. Otherwise this section starts to feel boring and repetitive when you could just write it once and be done with it. I realize you want to give insight to Vicare's personality through the 'in character' section, but it just comes off as overkill.
Lastly, just repeating the fact that Vicare is a derivative of the Greek character Icarus. There's nothing to suggest one came before the other or that they were not, in fact, the exact same 'people.' I'm trying to think of an analogy for this and all that I'm coming up with is Santa Claus. The character may be called 'Santa Claus' in the United States and 'Father Christmas' in the United Kingdoms, but that doesn't mean its two different characters.
Future:Why exactly is Astro a cruel nickname? It's not exactly 'buttface' or anything.
I'm curious why you'd describe Astor as having traits thought of as being 'autistic.' Do you intend to do anything with this autism? Have you done any research? Or were you just using it in place of an adjective? If he's not actually autistic, why mention it? Just because a person is socially awkward doesn't mean they necessarily have a medical problem. Furthermore, how is being single-minded and distant to people a reflection of his mythbase's hubris? This kind of sounds like taking two plus two and getting ten.
As for the mute thing, you are going to have to do some heavy duty interesting things between him and his guardian in the beginning stage. Any infant, I don't care if it's a reborn spirit or autistic, will recognize the fact that when they make a noise their respective parent will go CRAZY and start cooing back at them. Having Astor not speak because he doesn't perceive people will respond to him doesn't make a whole heap of sense. If you're attached to the mute idea, okay, but find a reason a little more meaningful for making him that way.
The part where you say 'he's easily distracted when not really focusing' doesn't make sense in the context of the fact that you said earlier he was extremely focused. I get the sentiment you're trying to convey, but try rewording it because right now it just reads as contradictory.
What is Astor's condition that improves as he ages? His personality? The fact that he's mute? Would that really be considered a 'condition' or just character flaws? Furthermore, what causes him to withdraw as a toddler if he's a normal infant? People don't just light switch like that. There has to be some sort of internal or external motivation for the change.
Generally speaking, I like the concept you've developed for his appearance. My only real issue is that wings of that design totally wouldn't be functional. A bird needs it's primaries to fly and if Astor's wings taper at the wrists like you describe them to, he wouldn't be able to use them. That said, this is a fantasy setting so I guess you could fanwank the possibility that they're magic wings and therefore work despite being physically impossible otherwise.
In terms of powers, one thing that really stands out to me is Astor's inability to fight while flying. I know his arms are a little occupied given the whole wings thing, but why couldn't he fight with his feet? Did you ever consider giving him sharp spurs like the kind roosters are fitted with while c**k fighting? That would be totally badass, haha. Personally, I think having wings on his arms is so much cooler than having them sprout from his back. It makes more sense, physically, and just is so much more interesting than having yet ANOTHER character with wings coming out of their back. There are definite physical limitations, but that's interesting! It forces you to be creative with how you play him and how he functions on a day to day basis (like what kind of clothes does he wear if he can't shove his wings through arm holes of a shirt? Could he still learn to do things like drive a car? Work certain jobs? Come on, that's interesting!)
I'm a little confused at to what exactly Astor's power of Belief actually does. I assume this derives from the fact that because he ‘believed!’ in the mythbase that he could fly on wax wings, he did, but how does this translate into the mind-over-matter stuff now? If anything, I'd think it WAS, to an extent, bending reality, but that might step on the Fa'e Sofi's toes a little given her cartoon logic powers. Describe this better, make it easier to understand.
That said, I do like the counter balance you've set up for the power. Kudos on that.
Nice details on the rest of it. They relate to what you've outlined previously well, so no complaints on the rest of this section.
Ideas:Really, my problem with the whole Vicare versus Icarus thing still stands. You can say they're not the same person all day long and I'll still see Vicare as a derivative of Icarus. They're the same person. It's pretty much a Greek myth. You saying they're actually different people simply by going off 'because I say so' logic doesn't help to convince me. If you (or any archaeologist) could give me solid proof that the Etruscan version of the myth predated the Greek one, then I'd buy it. As is, it could have spawned at the same exact time or the Greek myth could have pre-dated the Etruscan one. There was a strong Etruscan culture in Greek/Rome, so they very well could have borrowed the Icarus myth along with other aspects of their religion.
Your justification for his past powers is interesting, but again I want to say that Vicare was a human with no abilities. In this instance, it makes far more sense that the power of belief would be imbued in the WAX WINGS THEMSELVES. Vicare did not believe HE could fly. He believed that the wings his father had crafted would ALLOW him to fly. There is a key difference there. It was not him saying 'Oh hey, I'm going to jump out this window and take off!' it was him saying 'Okay, these wings my father gave me will work to I can be free.' It's not belief in himself. It's belief in the wings. Vicare (or Icarus. Or whatever) was a normal human being in a fantastical setting. The only thing that allowed him to fly was a belief in the wings' ability to work, not his ability to MAKE them work.
Guardian:Generally speaking, I don't usually have a whole lot to say on guardians. I will say though that Eshaa reads interesting but I want to know if her alien heritage has any affect on her life. As is, she reads like a normal average every day human. Did her alien race ancestors have any long standing cultural beliefs that might affect how she lives now? Otherwise, guardian bases covered. Blahblahblahfishcakes.
Overview:While well written and extremely thought out, the biggest problem is that I'm just am not comfortable with is the mythbase itself. I know you're attached to the concept and I know you've put an extremely huge amount of thought and work into this but in all frankness? It has a weak base. You can't build a mansion on a foundation of sand and expect it to hold together. If you want true and utter honesty, I'm going to recommend you look into a different mythbase. I know that probably sounds cruel and unusual, but there are just SO MANY awesome myths out there that don't have a) a questionable main character that may or may not be magical, and b) possibly taking advantage of a loophole in the rules.
Reply
