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 Posted: Wed Dec 27, 2006 3:27 pm
"Vishrava warned Kaikesi that it was the wrong time and should she become with child then, the child would certainly be evil. Kaikesi agreed, and was soon with child."
Was Kaikesi looking to have an evil child, or did she go out and get knocked up by mistake, or was she intentionally ignoring her father's warnings? What did Sumali think of this? Did he even know?
"Ravana studied beneath his father who was an exemplary scholar, and he mastered the holy books and the ways of Kshatriyas."
Is he known by Ravana at this point in his life, or Dasagriva? The transition to this paragraph from the previous was a bit confusing. Maybe make it a little clearer that there are two names for the same character? Also, do you know how he aquired the second name?
"Advised by their father to give up the lands due to Ravana being undefeatable, Lanka was given over without a fuss and flourished beneath the rule of the new king."
This sentence sounds awkward. The first clause sounds like it is talking about Kubera, and then the second clause has Lanka as the subject of the sentence. You may want to break this up into two sentences, or at least reword it, so that the subject is clearer.
"... Ravana learned of who he angered... "
I think you can do without "of" here.
"Finally, he was released from bondage and, due to Shiva being impressed by his bravery and devotion, given further gifts of strength and a great, immensely powerful sword by the name of Chandrahas."
To be gramatically nitpicky, this sentence might sound better if you reworded it and wrote it in active voice. I'd say it's pretty important that these are gifts from Shiva, so you may want to make sure that's clear. There are several other places where you use passive voice; you may want to take a look through those sentences, too.
"He eventually became supreme overlord of all asuras in the three worlds...."
Maybe you could put in a bit about what specifically the three worlds are, for clarity? Are they the worlds of humans, of celestials, and of demons like you mentioned in the above paragraph?
"After conquering several kingdoms of the human world, he performed the suitable sacrifices and was crowned Emperor."
Just curious, who crowned him?
"Displeased with his brother's cruelty, Kuvera did the unthinkable and scolded him for what he had done. This severely angered Ravana and in that anger, he turned to the heavens to defeat the gods, singling out his brother to humiliate. By doing this, Ravana gained complete command over the gods, celestials, and serpent races."
Wait, so Ravana threw a tempter tantrum and kicked godly a**, and then somehow managed to pin it on his brother? I'd like more details here. Did the gods take Ravana's excuses that it was somehow his brother's fault, or did he coerce them into believing it? Also, you spell the name "Kubera" above; is it a typo here, or there? Also, you need a comma after "This severely angered Ravana".
"When a woman rejected his advances, Ravana would take them by force."
Change "them" to "her". In the first part of the sentence, you're just talking about "a woman".
"At the time of his advances, she was busy attempting to become the wife of Lord Vishnu, a very important god."
More details here, please. The wording sounds strange to me - was she courting him, or were Vedavati and Vishnu already making preparations for a wedding? Did Vishnu notice this going on, and if so, was he of a mood to do anything about it?
"Angered, Vedavati prophesized that she would return to the mortal world and be the cause of Ravana's death."
The word should be "prophesied".
"But his arrogance would be his fatal flaw. Vedavati made true on her promise, being reborn as Sita who eventually became Rama, or the reborn Lord Vishnu's, wife."
Just to clarify, was Ravana's arrogance that he did not believe Vedavati really would come back to get him, or was it that he did not believe she, as a lowly mortal, could do anything to harm him?
"Kuvera's son then cursed Ravana's heads to fall off, if ever he forced himself on any woman."
You don't need the comma here.
"SKIPPING AHEAD A FEW...OKAY A LOT OF YEARS:"
Maybe fill in a bit of detail here? Did Ravana go bonk more heads, or did he just kind of sit on his throne and gloat about all the heads he had already bonked? Did he end up losing any of his own heads to Kuvera's son's curse? XD Also, did any of your sources hint how much time passed before Sita's birth?
"Ravana, who eventually fell in either mad lust or mad love with Sita and had no idea that she was Vedavati, devised a plan to abduct her."
It might be clearer to those who aren't familiar with the Ramayana to introduce this section with a little bit about Sita and Rama, and who they are.
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Posted: Wed Dec 27, 2006 4:07 pm
"Vishrava warned Kaikesi that it was the wrong time and should she become with child then, the child would certainly be evil. Kaikesi agreed, and was soon with child."
Was Kaikesi looking to have an evil child, or did she go out and get knocked up by mistake, or was she intentionally ignoring her father's warnings? What did Sumali think of this? Did he even know?
I don't think that she cared. Her father wasn't the one who warned her, Vishrava did. However, I don't think Sumali was informed of the warning. I have not found reference to this.
"Ravana studied beneath his father who was an exemplary scholar, and he mastered the holy books and the ways of Kshatriyas."
Is he known by Ravana at this point in his life, or Dasagriva? The transition to this paragraph from the previous was a bit confusing. Maybe make it a little clearer that there are two names for the same character? Also, do you know how he aquired the second name?
I'm not quite sure how Ravana changed his name from Dasagriva. I've looked, but I've yet to find. I think it has something to do with his advisors telling him he should change it, but I used Ravana to be consistant - just letting the reader know that he was, originally, called Dasagriva.
"He eventually became supreme overlord of all asuras in the three worlds...."
Maybe you could put in a bit about what specifically the three worlds are, for clarity? Are they the worlds of humans, of celestials, and of demons like you mentioned in the above paragraph?
Heaven, Earth, and the Netherworld. *Will make a note of it*
"After conquering several kingdoms of the human world, he performed the suitable sacrifices and was crowned Emperor."
Just curious, who crowned him?
I....don't know. I'm guessing Brahma. But I haven't found a for-sure text on it.
"Displeased with his brother's cruelty, Kuvera did the unthinkable and scolded him for what he had done. This severely angered Ravana and in that anger, he turned to the heavens to defeat the gods, singling out his brother to humiliate. By doing this, Ravana gained complete command over the gods, celestials, and serpent races."
Wait, so Ravana threw a tempter tantrum and kicked godly a**, and then somehow managed to pin it on his brother? I'd like more details here. Did the gods take Ravana's excuses that it was somehow his brother's fault, or did he coerce them into believing it? Also, you spell the name "Kubera" above; is it a typo here, or there? Also, you need a comma after "This severely angered Ravana".
Yes, Typo xD Will fix that. My source is ambiguous about what Ravana did to humilate him, and I'm unsure if he was pinning it on him (I don't think he would, since he would want credit for it being the a*****e that he was) or just toyed with his brother and brought him humiliation through other means. I believe the last one is more plausible considering Ravana's personality.
"At the time of his advances, she was busy attempting to become the wife of Lord Vishnu, a very important god."
More details here, please. The wording sounds strange to me - was she courting him, or were Vedavati and Vishnu already making preparations for a wedding? Did Vishnu notice this going on, and if so, was he of a mood to do anything about it?
Vedavati had been performing penance with the intention of winning Lord Vishnu for a husband. Ravana met her at her hermitage. Will clarify!
"But his arrogance would be his fatal flaw. Vedavati made true on her promise, being reborn as Sita who eventually became Rama, or the reborn Lord Vishnu's, wife."
Just to clarify, was Ravana's arrogance that he did not believe Vedavati really would come back to get him, or was it that he did not believe she, as a lowly mortal, could do anything to harm him?
Did not believe she would be able to harm him.
"SKIPPING AHEAD A FEW...OKAY A LOT OF YEARS:"
Maybe fill in a bit of detail here? Did Ravana go bonk more heads, or did he just kind of sit on his throne and gloat about all the heads he had already bonked? Did he end up losing any of his own heads to Kuvera's son's curse? XD Also, did any of your sources hint how much time passed before Sita's birth?
I honestly don't know what happened in between. My sources, as many as I've read, did not tell me what lead up to what happened in the Ramayana epic. He didn't lose any of his heads, that much I know - he was unable to force Sita for she kept her purity and when he abucted her, he still had all ten heads. No idea how much time passed @_@ But I'm guessing quite a few since Sita was a young woman by the time everything happened
"Ravana, who eventually fell in either mad lust or mad love with Sita and had no idea that she was Vedavati, devised a plan to abduct her."
It might be clearer to those who aren't familiar with the Ramayana to introduce this section with a little bit about Sita and Rama, and who they are.
These will be NPCs and will eventually be introduced in the NPC area in more detail as to not distract from Ravana in his history.
*will also fix the grammar stuff* ^_^ Thanks Kumoloff.
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Posted: Wed Dec 27, 2006 4:16 pm
Henceforth, I reserve this post in in the name of teh Sheepcat and her critique (which is coming... srsly).
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Posted: Wed Dec 27, 2006 11:18 pm
Everything looks GREAT so far, but the only thing preventing me from stamping this for approval is this power: Quote: Light Manipulation: Ravana had the ability to control the rising and setting of the sun. While Ghytere isn't that powerful, he can manipulate the sun's light for as long as it's out. At night, he can create minimal amounts of light that look like a miniature sun in the palm of his hand. It will never give off too much light, though it can give off heat. Naolin is an Aztec Sun God and his primary power lies in controlling the sun. GRANTED, it would be interesting to have two characters fighting over one sun, AND the power is not reserved as XBear hasn't filled out the form yet, but I would feel better if you talked to her and got some kind of yay/nay (I'M SORRY TO KEEP MAKING YOU DO THIS AS FAR AS POWERS ARE CONCERNED T^T) on it. I don't know if she actually has a power resembling that, but you know, just to cover all of our bases and keep everything on the downlow. I do really like the poison ability, and if you decide to get rid of the sun thing you could probably easily make this the primary ability instead: he could learn how to make all sorts of poisons, perhaps even alter his own innate poison somehow (DEPENDING ON MOOD? 8D IT ONLY GIVES YOU A BRAINFREEZE IF HE LIKES YOU?!); if the poison lies in his claws, anything that comes into contact with it can shrivel and die (the speed of which depending on the potency of the poison, of course.) AND, to tie it in, perhaps the curse is some kind of poison inherent in his blood? IF ANYONE COMES IN CONTACT WITH IT, THEY GET POISONED TOO. AND ARE NEVER ALLOWED TO TOUCH A WOMAN EVER AGAIN. THE END. I think, given the amount and number of powers you have otherwise, that you could get rid of the sun thing if you wanted to without underpowering him anyway. Also, you don't mention the voices much or give much info on them, even though they seem to be a pretty major trait! I know only one of them is named, but the rest -- well, why is Ghytere the only voice to surpass the others and make up most of his psyche? What triggers the voices? What purpose do they have? What kinds of things do they say? Why are they there, why didn't they integrate into the rest of him when he decidedly only has one head? What are they? Separate personalities? Nine other pieces of him (neatly separated into things like Anger, Sadness, blahblahblah -- the only problem with this is that Ghytere himself, then being only 1/10th of a real person, would only be 1/10ths as powerful himself. Maybe as he grows, he integrates more and more of the voices, until there's only one -- the one named -- left? Something like that.) I hope that makes sense. Anyway, the rest of it looks great <3
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Posted: Thu Dec 28, 2006 12:35 am
I can take that out with no problem, Cere. I really like that poison thing.
As for the head - Ukuna is the strongest voice. He was the 'advisor' voice. Each of the heads had their own personalities, and should they be pushed together as one, well, it would be less stable than it is now. Since they could ALL live independantly, they couldn't all mingle together...Oh man I'm so tired I can barely type coherantly. Does that make sense at all? XD I'll just take that out and explain the heads tomorrow, at some point XD *Goes to edit*
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Posted: Thu Dec 28, 2006 3:35 am
Hahaha, another paranoid, shiny-hungry demon who wants to rule everything xd
Roth: ... I either like you or I hate you >.> ... You're plotting against me, aren't you? b*****d, I'll get you back...
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Posted: Thu Dec 28, 2006 10:59 am
THEN I SHALL PRESENT YOU WITH THIS STAMP
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Posted: Thu Dec 28, 2006 12:22 pm
Ghytere: And I'll either hate you or try to murder you. Either one. You're the one plotting against ME. The voices tell me so. Watch your back, bud.
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Posted: Thu Dec 28, 2006 1:25 pm
Added more information about the nine voices n.n TO APPEASE YOU CERE.
Now, for a better explanation of the whole personality bits!
Ravana was the "Head Cheese" so to say. He had control over everything he did, for the most part - at least in my little fantasy land. The other 9 heads had very distinct personalities and could, should they have their own body, live independant from Ravana's body. At least, if they weren't attatched to his soul.
When Ravana was killed, and since the other nine voices were ATTATCHED to his soul, they died with him. Being unable to simply pass on because of this, they were dragged with Ravana becoming a Fa'e.
If all ten heads were squished together as one (considering their wide range of personalities), Ghytere would be a walking paradox. Instead, they retained their personalities and remained as voices in the back of the "Boss" head.
o________o if that makes any sense to anyone other than myself XD
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Posted: Thu Dec 28, 2006 4:19 pm
YAAAAAAY I AM APPEASED
Except now I'm curious as to what all of their personalities are, what their ambitions... Obviously they don't agree with what Ghytere does/is doing all the time (though some might?) and probably not even with EACH OTHER. Man, it'd be really annoying if I had like nine brothers and sisters in my head sad
...and I don't think I could ever use the bathroom ever again
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Posted: Sat Jan 13, 2007 5:23 pm
Sample journal entry, written in Amphrell:  01.13.07 Dear journal, I think I’m going crazy. The voices in my head, they’re eating at me, little by little, day by day, moment by moment. I just can’t stop them. I fight them, I do, but they don’t let me go. This is one of the rare moments that Ukuna has quelled them. I do not know how much longer I can take it. I do not know how much more my mind can withstand being torn in so many pieces. This new place, it does not help. This new place, it makes it that much harder. Even if that Airi chick is pretty nice to look at, I don’t know if I can stay here. I long for Meiyestallia again. -Ghytere
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Posted: Mon Jan 15, 2007 10:26 am
i h8 ur konsept it sux
Actually, I'm intrigued by the font. Is that actual computer font?
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Posted: Mon Jan 15, 2007 8:12 pm
My fiancee made the font. Amphrell is a language she created n.n *Also knows how to handwrite it all but bothered girlie to make the font so she didn't have to all the time*
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Posted: Tue Jan 16, 2007 6:49 pm
I am extremely impressed. Can't say how much.
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Posted: Wed Jan 17, 2007 1:16 pm
Ghytere's name handwritten in Amphrell n.n
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