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 Posted: Mon Nov 27, 2006 11:56 am
Lidiya Kustov Sylan She's perfect and has no flaws, a born leader who is always dominant and loves making new friends to dominate! If she was a plain, disillusioned 30 something housewife who became a dominatrix to spice up her life, then I might be able to do more than laugh at the whole concept. Her only flaw is she's a terrible follower? Are you kidding me? There's no deep seated insecurity that makes her try and do these things? That would be rather amusing. I could consider that, but... Where did I say she was perfect? Will write more on personality soon. This idea keeps growing on me. Given the Russian females' most well known method of emigrating, who fancies a mail-order bride? lol
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Posted: Wed Nov 29, 2006 10:52 pm
Update: Considering more animals. Am I right in thinking that there is presently only one domestic cat?
Also, depending on peoples opinions of the current character I have up here (Lidiya), I may nuke the whole post and start over from scratch. What do people think?
Is she that bad, or?
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Posted: Thu Nov 30, 2006 2:36 pm
Hi, I'm not going to pretent I'm a crit or I know what I'm talking about lol and I never saw your original concept, but I thought I'd comment.
I like it so far smile I can see her appearence, but what colour is her skin, eyes, hair, ect (yes you have her avator but it isn't always accurate) does she dye her hair or is it natural? Can you get russian natural blondes? Hmm. Is 6 foot the average height for russian women? Also 196 isn't far off from her ideal weight if she has a large frame, it wouldn't be enough to class her as fat as 165 is average, give or take 10% either side.
http://www.annecollins.com/weight-loss/healthy-weight.htm
I like how she's tricked onto the island. Obviously her personality needs more work, it really just touches on it.
As she married an american, then devoriced him (after how many years? Did they have kids? Did she want some? Did he? What was push that made her leave?) would she still be legally allowed to stay? I remember hearing about some people are marrying natives to just get into their country. Sometimes they have to be married for a certain number of years or have to have test to prove they love each other, is it the same in America? Check the laws for immigrants and marrying into the country.
Regards the serum, you have to consider that the horse serums are very recent, the furthest one is still 50% I believe, so just take that into constiration, but I don't see why you couldn't have this serum unless the mods put a cap on it. Although there are pleanty of other hooved mammals avaliable, take a look at the idea dump in character developement thread, I posted a few links. And don't worry about a reason, I have none for my chosen serum.
That's all I can think of, good luck getting onto the island!
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Posted: Thu Nov 30, 2006 11:00 pm
sola84 Hi, I'm not going to pretent I'm a crit or I know what I'm talking about lol and I never saw your original concept, but I thought I'd comment. I like it so far smile I can see her appearence, but what colour is her skin, eyes, hair, ect (yes you have her avator but it isn't always accurate) does she dye her hair or is it natural? Can you get russian natural blondes? Hmm. Is 6 foot the average height for russian women? Also 196 isn't far off from her ideal weight if she has a large frame, it wouldn't be enough to class her as fat as 165 is average, give or take 10% either side. http://www.annecollins.com/weight-loss/healthy-weight.htm I like how she's tricked onto the island. Obviously her personality needs more work, it really just touches on it. As she married an american, then devoriced him (after how many years? Did they have kids? Did she want some? Did he? What was push that made her leave?) would she still be legally allowed to stay? I remember hearing about some people are marrying natives to just get into their country. Sometimes they have to be married for a certain number of years or have to have test to prove they love each other, is it the same in America? Check the laws for immigrants and marrying into the country. Regards the serum, you have to consider that the horse serums are very recent, the furthest one is still 50% I believe, so just take that into constiration, but I don't see why you couldn't have this serum unless the mods put a cap on it. Although there are pleanty of other hooved mammals avaliable, take a look at the idea dump in character developement thread, I posted a few links. And don't worry about a reason, I have none for my chosen serum. That's all I can think of, good luck getting onto the island! Blonde hair is found all over the US, Europe and Russia. mrgreen 6 feet is well above the average height for women in Russia. As for her weight, yes, it may be too low (I've suspected this for some time). I'll have a look at that. The length of marriage is there, but you're right, there could be more there about that, and I can see a few ways of expanding on things and weaving them into her personality perhaps. I'm aware of the slight horse-overload at present, so I have also considered a Russian Blue Cat. (No prizes for guessing why) Also, thanks for a helpful crit heart
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Posted: Fri Dec 01, 2006 11:10 am
Aw you're welcome!
Ah, yes I couldn't remember which countries sported blonde hair lol and as a short arse I always expect the average to be around my height lol [size7]'I'm not short' emo *in denial* Those questions were for me really as I didn't know lol
Haha Rb cats are gorgous, yeah there's only one domestic cat (unless Richard is one? abit with tenticles and a pair of extra legs) but loads of wild felines.... and canines, and fish... lol It'll be funny if she didn't turn into something sexy and slender, but big and still acted like she was sexy ^^
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Posted: Mon Dec 04, 2006 6:48 pm
Well, you are asking for Crits, so here you go. Quote: Character Appearance:: In terms of appearance, Lidiya is your typical ‘rubenesque’ plus size woman. Big and curvy. She’s a big girl, tall and ‘thick’ Fat but not too fat. Well… that depends on your opinion of course. Some would call her fat, but she prefers the terms ‘voluptuous’ and ‘cuddly’. She has a large bust, and yes, before you ask, it is sometimes painful when she is active. Alright, first off, describing the basics of body shape (not exactly elegantly) does not explain appearance. Does she have a round face? Angular jaw? Does she have freckles? Is her skin yellow tinted? Does she have a particular expression usually? Is her hair thick, thin, frayed, perfectly sculpted? She's 35, so does she have crow’s feet? What about big feet? All you've given us as far as negative appearance is that some people might consider her fat, but then you've given us that she isn't fat at all, just hour-glass. We don't know if she's pretty, ugly, average looking, if she seems like a mothering type, or if she looks like a total b***h. Nothing. I mean, when my crit on it is longer then the actual description of appearance? Quote: Language skills:: Lidya's understanding of English pretty much spot on, unless you talk to quickly or keep changing topics. Her written English is grammatically sound, and though she does not have the vocabulary she would like, nobody can really complain - she's not trying to be a novellist. Her spoken English is not so perfect, butchered by a thick accent which some may find difficult to understand, and often spoken somewhat slowly as she thinks about her words. Not believable. Sorry. When you're absorbed into a culture, and you have to adapt, especially on your own, you learn a language fast. Really fast. By the time a year is over you'd have the language skills you described her having after nearly 10 years. An accent is fine (although that thick is a little unbelievable still). Also, her vocabulary would probably be about the same as any average Americans, she has been there for 8 years. People don't talk to her like she's a dog, do they? Quote: Character Personality:: Bubbly and playful, loud and giggly, Lidiya is fun-loving and jolly, and at times, something of a slight tom-boy. She sometimes has a rather dark sense of humour, and while not quick to anger, is rather unpleasant when she is. This is by far the worst bit. Personality should be the most important part of a character. You should always leave room for development, but at 35 years old she's going to have quite a settled personality. As for what you HAVE included, it's incredibly stereotypical. She’s fun, and giggly (girly basically, since guys don't giggle) but also a tom-boy. She's morbid despite this, and has a FIREY temper. Wow. Okay, let’s shove any anime female into this... Yep, fits her perfect. Seriously, when is she happy? When is she sad? Is she really so conflicting (darkly humored but bubbly)? She's a cardboard cut out of a person. For someone with so much s**t in her life she's awful dull. Quote: Character Background:: Lidiya was born on February 12, 1971 in St.Petersburg, Russia (Then known as Leningrad, USSR) to her Parents Nikolai and Tatiana. She has an older sister, Natalia. She grew up in the city and received a relatively good education due to the then communist nation’s all-out drive to beat the west on as many frontiers as it could. In 1998, aged 27, she emigrated to marry an American computer geek whom she met over the internet, and lived with him in Miami, Florida for their four-and-a-half-year marriage. Eventually bored and disillusioned with her husband due to his tendancy to pay more attention to his computer than he did to her, she left him to live by herself and promptly hit the bars and clubs to celebrate being single again. She made a collection of friends who opened her eyes to some of the more ‘out there’ sources of fun, and soon decided that she quite liked one of them in particular. In early 2005, she began offering her services as a dominatrix to fellow patrons of her favourite clubs, and then slowly but surely expanded her range wider as she grew more confident. When she is not at ‘work’, she lives in quiet anonymity in a pleasant, suburban house – keeping her work life behind closed doors, for obvious reasons. Okay, now, it may just be me, but where is she getting this computer to meet this tech guy? Russia may not be in the dark ages, but most countries, even heavily developed ones, don't have a computer in every household. What did she DO in Russia? Twiddle her thumbs? Did she have a career? If so, why is she a Dom now? How the hell did she afford this entire club-hopping post breakup? Not to mention that classical Russian values are in no way represented in her at all up to yet. Also, don't you think one of her nosey neighbors would notice her work schedule and figure something out? Quote: Why she is chosen and how she is tricked:: Lidiya is chosen by Dr. Moreau because she is physically and mentally healthy, and above all, easy to get hold of. Her height and build also make her an ideal candidate for the serum he has in mind: The Shire horse. Getting Lidiya to the island is easy - a simple case of contacting her and hiring her dominatrix services, then telling the world that the helicopter crashed into the sea to become another victim of the Bermuda triangle. As such, she comes dressed in dressed for the job she thought she'd be here to do, only to be kidnapped and be put on the missing presumed dead list. Bad bad bad wrongity mcwrongson. Okay, so, she's easy to get a hold of? Even though she has a house, patrons, and neighbors? There are many, many people out there MORE accessible. Think of something better (perhaps a former patron works at Feral now?). And Moreau rarely ever picks the serums. Lab techs do. And most of the time it's an arbitrary hat-pick. A crash in the Bermuda triangle would lead to investigations, conspiracy theorists, and reporters zooming around near the Island, which isn't exactly totally awesome cool for Moreau. Statistically people go down near the Bermuda only about as much as they do anywhere else. And, the flight would be a long one, excuse me, if my main attire for work was skintight pleather I would change when I got there. I mean, really, helicopters are cold. Also, is she really so popular she' sassed to patrons FLYING her places in HELLOCOPTORS? Quote: Wearing on arrival:: A 3-quarter length leather trench coat Black Lingerie. Shades. High-heeled, thigh thigh-high platform boots. ... Really. Okay, Dom's usually show a good amount of skin, so the trench is retarded. As for the lingerie? Lingerie is for taking off. Dom's aren't hookers, they dress more elaborately and deadlier. Quote: In her bag:: Four pairs of handcuffs. A stethoscope. One leather whip. make-up kit. Several changes of clothes, ranging from the more practical shirts and pants, to the more exotic corsets and a PVC nurses uniform. Another pair of boots - minus the heels. Four? Okay, fine, whatever. But the rest of this kit is pretty lame for a dom. Where's the candles? Where are the paddles? Where's the electical tape? The slave costume? The leash? The riding crop? Also, if she' got a change of clothes WHY is she wearing Lingerie on the freaking helicopter? That's all for that. Although I think you might want to spell check, too. Edit: Also, I you write her description in such a way it's easy to tell you're a guy, so what do you think role play would look like?
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Posted: Mon Dec 04, 2006 7:10 pm
Hey hey!
Just wanted to add a little crit since you're asking for one. smile I really recommend you take some time and really read about being a dominatrix. There is a lot more to it then just whips and chains! Also, sex doesn't even have to factor in to dominating a person to their satisfaction. Like Beat said, Doms would NEVER wear lingerie. That just....totally ruins their dom effect. It's too passive!
I highly recommend you do some hardcore research on Doms to find out more about them. If she IS a dom it's going to be essential that she have the personality to suit it. It's not just something they do, it's a very powerful part of their personality. If she's a dom then she will be a very confident self-possessed woman. Her personality doesn't reflect that at all right now.
Many men have this pre-conceived notion of what doms are. It's very glossed over by PlayBoy and trendy goth girls in pleather! If you really want to read more about the Dominatrix, try this link. smile
http://www.femdomale.com/dominatrix-story.html
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Posted: Mon Dec 04, 2006 11:14 pm
Beat Fu Alright, first off, describing the basics of body shape (not exactly elegantly) does not explain appearance. Does she have a round face? Angular jaw? Does she have freckles? Is her skin yellow tinted? Does she have a particular expression usually? Is her hair thick, thin, frayed, perfectly sculpted? She's 35, so does she have crow’s feet? What about big feet? All you've given us as far as negative appearance is that some people might consider her fat, but then you've given us that she isn't fat at all, just hour-glass. We don't know if she's pretty, ugly, average looking, if she seems like a mothering type, or if she looks like a total b***h. Nothing. I mean, when my crit on it is longer then the actual description of appearance? This would be so much easier if my ability to draw wasn't so... sporadic. Will add facial appearance and other aspects to description. Quote: Not believable. Sorry. When you're absorbed into a culture, and you have to adapt, especially on your own, you learn a language fast. Really fast. By the time a year is over you'd have the language skills you described her having after nearly 10 years. An accent is fine (although that thick is a little unbelievable still). Also, her vocabulary would probably be about the same as any average Americans, she has been there for 8 years. People don't talk to her like she's a dog, do they? This is a fair point to some extent, but honestly, I took this from the huge, huge quantities of Indian, Pakistani, Polish and Ukranian people whom I live and work alongside. I'll see what I can do with it, perhaps. Quote: This is by far the worst bit. Personality should be the most important part of a character. You should always leave room for development, but at 35 years old she's going to have quite a settled personality. As for what you HAVE included, it's incredibly stereotypical. She’s fun, and giggly (girly basically, since guys don't giggle) but also a tom-boy. She's morbid despite this, and has a FIREY temper. Wow. Okay, let’s shove any anime female into this... Yep, fits her perfect. Seriously, when is she happy? When is she sad? Is she really so conflicting (darkly humored but bubbly)? She's a cardboard cut out of a person. For someone with so much s**t in her life she's awful dull. Hey, I giggle like an idiot at times and my humour is as dark as you can get. (It offends tons of people without me even trying) Will work on it. Quote: Okay, now, it may just be me, but where is she getting this computer to meet this tech guy? Russia may not be in the dark ages, but most countries, even heavily developed ones, don't have a computer in every household. What did she DO in Russia? Twiddle her thumbs? Did she have a career? If so, why is she a Dom now? How the hell did she afford this entire club-hopping post breakup? Not to mention that classical Russian values are in no way represented in her at all up to yet. Also, don't you think one of her nosey neighbors would notice her work schedule and figure something out? Will change. Quote: Bad bad bad wrongity mcwrongson. Okay, so, she's easy to get a hold of? Even though she has a house, patrons, and neighbors? There are many, many people out there MORE accessible. Think of something better (perhaps a former patron works at Feral now?). And Moreau rarely ever picks the serums. Lab techs do. And most of the time it's an arbitrary hat-pick. A crash in the Bermuda triangle would lead to investigations, conspiracy theorists, and reporters zooming around near the Island, which isn't exactly totally awesome cool for Moreau. Statistically people go down near the Bermuda only about as much as they do anywhere else. And, the flight would be a long one, excuse me, if my main attire for work was skintight pleather I would change when I got there. I mean, really, helicopters are cold. Also, is she really so popular she' sassed to patrons FLYING her places in HELLOCOPTORS? You'd be surprised how much such a person will travel if you pay their expenses. The clothing thing will change. Again. Will also ask a certain local woman about her life. Quote: Really. Okay, Dom's usually show a good amount of skin, so the trench is retarded. As for the lingerie? Lingerie is for taking off. Dom's aren't hookers, they dress more elaborately and deadlier. She was originally going to be dressed 'more elaborately and deadlier', but Kitara informed me that one wouldn't be wearing a catsuit in a tropical climate - so I wimped out and went for Lingerie. The trench coat is simply worn over her clothing while travelling. She isn't going to walk down the street with her domme-gear on show. She takes the coat off when she gets to wherever her client has requested her, for those that aren't visiting her. Open to suggestions for clothing again. Quote: Four? Okay, fine, whatever. But the rest of this kit is pretty lame for a dom. Where's the candles? Where are the paddles? Where's the electical tape? The slave costume? The leash? The riding crop? Also, if she' got a change of clothes WHY is she wearing Lingerie on the freaking helicopter? Four. One for each limb, of course. The kit, indeed, is pretty lame - mainly because I didn't want to scare people away with it and have them think I just want my character to have tonnes of kinky sex. I honestly don't give a damn if she gets any 'action' or not. She's dressed for the job on the chopper because she expects to meet her client within minutes of getting off. No time to change, and she wouldn't want to kill the fantasy by turning up in a stained T-shirt and faded old jeans, would she? Add more kit? More than happy to do so if people agree. Quote: That's all for that. Although I think you might want to spell check, too. Firefox found four errors. Quote: Edit: Also, I you write her description in such a way it's easy to tell you're a guy, so what do you think role play would look like? I can post some if you like.
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Posted: Mon Dec 04, 2006 11:31 pm
Tuari Hey hey! Just wanted to add a little crit since you're asking for one. smile I really recommend you take some time and really read about being a dominatrix. There is a lot more to it then just whips and chains! Also, sex doesn't even have to factor in to dominating a person to their satisfaction. I know. I originally had a much more accurate description of her profession, but I have since removed it as I felt it was distracting people, who felt that a typical lifestyle dom/ LFA pratitioner was 'unrealistic'. Quote: Like Beat said, Doms would NEVER wear lingerie. That just....totally ruins their dom effect. It's too passive! Yep, it made me cry too. I toned it down to keep others happy, basically. I'll dress her more appropriately and ignore them. heart Quote: I highly recommend you do some hardcore research on Doms to find out more about them. If she IS a dom it's going to be essential that she have the personality to suit it. It's not just something they do, it's a very powerful part of their personality. If she's a dom then she will be a very confident self-possessed woman. Her personality doesn't reflect that at all right now. God, you're making me cry! The original build of this character was pretty much what you just said - but that was disliked for being 'unrealistic' 'perfect' and 'boring'! You almost tempt me to change it back, honestly. Nice to see you know what a dominatrix is. Quote: Many men have this pre-conceived notion of what doms are. It's very glossed over by PlayBoy and trendy goth girls in pleather! If you really want to read more about the Dominatrix, try this link. smile http://www.femdomale.com/dominatrix-story.html I don't have that pre-conceived notion smile I simply watered it down for the tastes of others. I originally had a better description, but some people didn't like it. Thanks for a helpful crit, even if you've contradicted the first one and made me wonder why I changed it.
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Posted: Tue Dec 05, 2006 10:54 am
No really it's getting better! :[ You just need to mesh what you've done now with the dom concept. (ie DON'T CHANGE IT BACK!!!! )This can be done but seriously....you have to be SO careful with how you design and play a character who has such a close relation to fetish and sexual things.
Unless it's handled right the character will come off as cheap, tawdry and as a TOTALLY unrealistic gary-mary-sue. D: I really admire that you're taking on such a monumental challenge but it's going to take a great deal of effort to pull her off well.
I say keep her history as it is. Take the time to redo her description. WORK ON HER PERSONALITY.
What are her fears? What makes her happy, what makes her irritated. What is she happy with about herself?
She is a dom so she will love to have control and BE in control of situations. Maybe she was a mouse before and finally 'came out' and finally took control of her life? Anyways those are some ideas.
Beat made some excellent points. smile
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Posted: Tue Dec 05, 2006 6:54 pm
You don't need artistic skills to describe appearance, and it should be descriptive to the point that if I know what kind of girl my character likes, I'd be able to tell if he'd be attracted to her, and on what level if he was.
I deal with a fair amount of Russian and Ukrainian kids, we actually have a couple of kids from Africa in class as well, and they all speak well and understand me perfectly. I have a broad (apparently) vocabulary and they seem to understand me pretty well. They've only been here for max four years, and they have families who they can rely on to speak their mother tongue with them, so they aren't even as pressed as a person who moved to another country on their own would be.
Personality, still. She's not dominant at all? Despite the fact she's a professional dominatrix? She doesn't hate particular people? She doesn't cry at silly things? Does she hit people when she's joking? I mean, most Russian girls I know aren’t' shy, but they're very polite and they aren't exactly hugely sexual either, did something cause her to be a club-goer out of nowhere?
Full cat suits would be too warm, but there are warm weather Dom's too. And if she has a change of clothes I assume she expects a room. A Dom, I think, does not show up in something she's not comfortable in after along flight. I mean, she might not be wearing a t-shirt and sweats, but she also wouldn't accept not being given a place to prepare for the even either. In fact, showing up and DEMANDING things are one of a Dom's deals, eh?
As for the kit, please, if you don't want to change it or say it is lost and she only has a few personal affects in her bag or something.
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