Hok! The asspirating I promised! =D I am borrowing Arri's critiquing rubric, because it is so awesome.
Background:As I've said in the stamping, this looks pretty awesome. Some minor nitpicks: "Magheriña was nearly forgotten. But would not be scorned again." That should just be one sentence.
"She was a priestess, and the gods were on her side! Even as Fogohome took his dying breath, she sent her brother to join the mboitatá in death." Wow, this is incredibly interesting.
Were the gods really on her side? (It might be interesting if, for instance, one of the gods pleaded for either her or her brother to kill the Boitatá...) Was it because she had the blessings of the gods/some god that she had the strength to kill him, or was it merely one of this instinctual things going into overdrive?
Even though it's really interesting as it is now -- if I had read only this and nothing else I would've thought that your Fa'e would've been Magheriña reincarnated, especially near the end. If you could put more emphasis on the Boitata (I am too lazy to do the accents anymore
sad ) -- for example, playing up the Boitata's death scene so it's obvious he's the focal point, what the ramifications of his death were (was Magherina regarded as a great hero afterwards for 'slaying' him? Was she cursed or blessed as a direct result of killing the Boitata?)
Also, I am interested in the creation of the Boitata... One of the references you quote says that some people believed it was the soul of an unlucky person, the other reference says it was a great serpent that survived a deluge... Which of these creation theories are you using?
After spending some time thinking about it, I've decided that I really like the "Let me tell you a story" nature of your background. You could write lots of little more legends, like one devoted to the creation/birth of the Boitata, another one detailing it tricking and misleading a person to its death, and then of course the one you have now about the boitata's death... Well, it'd probably take much less effort to include all that in your current legend, but it's just a thought. XD
After Rebirth:Hmm, you don't have this section, but I think it's something you could do a lot of interesting things with. Where is Guelmy reborn, what's the culture of his people like, what beliefs and morals was he taught, ect?
Appearance:You have some really weird grammatical structures in this section. XD; "Girls, at least the crazily religious ones of his villiage; love the green of his eyes though, bright as the foliage on the tropical trees of the Amazon rainforest he lives in." That semicolon in the middle of the sentence should be another comma though, and why do girls like the color of his eyes? You imply some religious reason -- which could be really interesting -- but don't explain what it is...
Two other nitpicks: "An oversized head? No way!" This confuses me -- what would make anyone think his head is oversized when, um, it's not (at least that's what I think you're getting at D: )? Is it the size of his eyes?
The slitting of his tongue thing is interesting too -- was it a ritual thing? Why did his guardian do it? (...DIDN'T IT HURT?? D: )
"He's human...but you can't tell by looking at him." From the rest of the physical description, he seems very humanoid -- he doesn't have a tail, or horns -- the only "Whuuu?" thing seems to be the scales, and some of the structures that the scales form, but nothing so drastic as to make people go "THAT'S OBVIOUSLY NOT HUMAN." Maybe a
weird, perhaps even deformed kind of human, but still human.
What color is his skin?
"There are small fires, seemingly coming from nowhere, to look like small fin ridges on his forearms." Fires? Literal fires?
The entire "From the Feet Up" section seems to be redundant -- while we do need to know that from the waist down he's pretty much normal, there's no need to hit your visitors over the head with it. XD (I mean, of course we know he has feet.)
You may want to find some way to play up his snake-y-heritage some more... Scales are a good start -- what about the patterns on the scales? Obviously another naga would be dubious, but what about making him completely double-jointed so that he can at least move and bend like a snake could? Are his teeth normal, or does he have fangs (and can he inject venom? How did the Boitata kill its victims before?) Does he have ears (snakes don't)?
Perhaps he cannot see well at ALL in the daytime, but could sense things as snakes can -- by movement. The only time he truly 'sees' is at night.
Also, from what little I could understand of the Spanish websites I've browsed for more information about the Boitata (located
here and
here, the Boitata protected the plains/bushes/forest (I couldn't figure out which of these exactly) from those wanting to set them on fire/those who disrespected them... And that it was a deeply ravenous creature; the only way of saving yourself after encountering it was to close your eyes and remain completely emotionless, not even daring to breathe.
Personality:Yaay, my favorite part! Ok, some things you could expand upon: how was he educated? I guess I would understand this better once you've described his village a bit more. When I went to the Amazon a few years ago, the village there had a single schoolhouse that took donations from researchers and visitors (like me! I brought them Dr. Seuss books 8D; ) Does he have any contact with modern Peru? Also, what kind of gods does he worship?
OH MAN FISHING. That reminds me, this one young boy was fishing and caught........ a baby alligator. (SORRY I know I am going on and on but this makes me so nostalgic, the Amazon was gorgeous, sighhh
sad ) He was gonna keep it in his bathtub! Those crazy Amazonian people goiurhoier
I like that the others regard him as some kind of sign! Why is it that he is nervous, though? Do they expect him to perform miracles, or plan to sacrifice him? (Does he get well with outsiders because they don't put as much pressure on him?)
"This probably stems from his interactions with the outsider traders, who are dishonest men by profession" <--- I think you'll have to expand on this, because I don't understand how they are dishonest
sad Unless you mean they hunt animals for their fur or whatever and trade them?
AbilitiesOH WOW HE'S LITERALLY ON FIRE HAHA THAT'S AWESOME
Sorry, the mental picture just pleases me ;A;
Firewhips!!!!
Ok, more serious now.
I think the recharge ability is interesting too, though I think maybe you should make its connection to his mythbase more explicit -- explain that it was a ravenous hungry creature, blahblahblah. Does he
need to do this to survive? As in, if he doesn't steal enough heat (because snakes are cold-blooded and need to stay warm to be healthy, right? I don't know this for certain.) he'll die? Especially since Gaia is probably a
much colder environment than he's used to, and winter might pose a huge problem to him...
Guardian:She sounds interesting. Not too much to say about her, just some questions -- what goddess does she serve, and how is her being a religious fanatic a weakness? XD (Do you mean she's bound to be very stern and disproving of anything that goes against her beliefs? What
are her beliefs, by the way?)
Ok, I think that's it! Sorry it's so long.
sad Let me know if you have any questions, I hope this helped!
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