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I suppose I should tell about something that happened to me awhile ago. I was just out of high school, and I was starting to become independant (going to the junior college) when an old ex-bf (and still pretty good friend at the time, even though, because of our class conflicts, we hadn't talked in awhile) asked me to come over because he had been "cleaning his room" and had found something of mine.

I went over to his house on my bike, and I guess that his parents weren't home, so I was kind of nervous. But he was always so shy, I didn't really think he was capable of doing anything, so I was fine with going in. He insisted on having me bring my bike into the house, even though I could have locked it up. He said it would be extra safe, so I brought it in and parked it inside.

Then he took me up to his room, where he said the thing was, and proceeded to start talking with me. Eventually, he was a bit touchie-feelie, which I said that I wasn't ok with, so he was all "ok" but kept doing it. I should have left right then and there, but considering that he hadn't given me back the supposed thing that he had called me over in the first place for, I kept trying to ask him about it, but he kept being evasive.

Then, he started touching me under my clothing in sexual ways, and I froze. Normally I am a really strong person, and I am good at defending myself, but just the fact that I was being touched like this by someone who I had been good friends with, someone who was my ex-boyfriend, was confusing.

When I was a child, my mother used to describe in graphic ways how men raped young girls, and that coupled with her "you're fat and ugly" talks and her admonitions that I should starve myself a little bit so that boys would like me led me to believe that no one would want to have sex with me or do anything with me unless it was rape.

I guess that when he touched me like that, I froze from both fear, confusion, and a long-rooted dysfunctional belief of what I "deserved."

He then proceeded to do all kinds of sexual things with me, which I don't really want to talk about, but he never actually penetrated me. When he was finished, he led me down stairs, but I felt like I was really small and far away, like I was looking out at everything from far inside of me, and I felt that everything was a dream. Once I was downstairs, he was treating me normally again, and did not touch me in any way as though it had never happened.

It confused the hell out of me, but also made me feel horrible and afraid. He kept asking me over after that, and I only came over one other time, when he said his parents were there, but he had ended up lying about that. He did the same thing again, but at the end, when I was riding my bike away from his house, I swore that I would never go back there, no matter what he said.
Remember, though, I was only 17-18 and very sexually inexperienced/no one really paid much attention to me or treated me like I was worth anything, so I had a lot of self-hatred and self-loathing that only intensified after these events. From time to time, I was in relationships after that, but most of them took advantage of my sexual inexperience and convinced me to do things that I did not really want to do, but then, I had no better ideas, so it was better just to act out porn or whatever so that I would be loved and therefore worth something.

Now, however, I am with someone who treats me well, and who pays attention to what I want, while also being honest about his needs. I am happy because he's helped me overcome my hatred of myself, and finally, to banish the majority of my insecurity and fear of sex and sexuality.

I would have to say, though, that even the molestation that I endured through those previous events was nothing compared to the horrible brainwashing that my mother (maybe unintentionally) destructively unleashed upon me.

I have made a promise to myself that I will never let my children (if I have any) believe or grow up to believe themselves worthless, even if they do not fit the ideas of society's perfection.

I never want anyone to have to go through what I did. I want to be able to kick the asses of anyone who would dare to molest or rape, regardless of who they are or where or what gender. People who take away our choices and take away our bodies for their own selfish usage need to be killed slowly. But that's just my personal opinion.

sweatdrop
ANOTHER SAD STORY OF HOW SICK MEN HAVE TACKEN ADVANTIDGE OF THEIR SLIGHTY MUSCUILAR BUILD

I AM HORRIFIED AT THE FACT THAT GUYS CAN GET SO DESPERATE AS TO DO THAT TO SOME ONE

I REALLY HOPE YOU TOLD THE POLICE ABOUT THIS PROBLEM
IT IS UP TO YOU HOW MUCH DETAIL YOU GO INTO
BUT I THINK IF ANYONE IS RAPED BY A PARTNER
THEN THEY NEED TO CHANGE SOME THING IN THEIR LIFE

I seriously don't think that strength has as much to do with it as the gender roles and the brainwashing that we absorb of our gender roles in relationships that does it. A lot of women are taught that they are worthless and bad, while men are taught that they are "superior" in a lot of ways in our society. I think that this must be the reason for a lot of abusive relationships; the current gender roles set us up so well for abusive relationships.

No I didn't...as I said I was too afraid. I told about the first guy...but no one believed me and I was put in a mental hospital so there was no way I was doing that again.

I agree...It's easier for me to defend myself against a big violent stranger then a manipulative controlling boyfriend... xp