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(24 July 2004, Wisconsin) Barbara, 26, must have listened too many times to the old song "High Hopes" and its verse about a perky little fish: "And she swam, and she swam right over the dam." But Barbara needed more than willpower to fulfill her high hopes, when she decided to take the shortest route between the Upper Dells and the Lower Dells.
She piloted a personal watercraft at high speed past numerous signs warning craft to slow down because of the imminent danger. She wove through the support posts of two separate bridges, one for trains, and one for cars. She ignored the screaming pleas of her 24-year-old passenger, who finally jumped off at the last minute. And she did it--she soared over that dam like a flying fish.

Then she crash-landed on the concrete spillway, dying instantly from massive head injuries.

Nearby residents told police that Barbara had been speeding like a maniac at high speeds in no-wake zones near the shore, despite the many posted warnings. Blood tests showed she had also been drinking like a fish. When asked to comment on her demise, the Police Chief said, "It kind of speaks for itself."

(3 October 2004, Galati, Romania) Constantin, 67, lived in a formerly peaceful village near Galati. But lately Constantin couldn't get any sleep, all because of a single noisy chicken. Night after night he dreamed of wringing its neck, or even better, chopping its head off and eating it. One night, he finally had enough. He roused himself from bed and headed out to the yard in his underwear, determined to bring silence to his home.
The sleep-deprived villager grabbed that chicken by the neck and chopped its head right off. Only then did he realize that he had confused his own p***s for the chicken's neck. While Constantin stood stunned by his folly, his dog rushed over and gobbled up the treat.

He was rushed to the hospital, bleeding heavily. Doctors sewed up the wound and pronounced him out of danger. He is also in no danger of reproducing.

(20 January 2004, Ventnor, New Jersey) A high school student accidentally dropped his cell phone from the Dorset Avenue Bridge. Fortunately the river had frozen over, so the phone landed on the ice, apparently intact. To a dedicated cell phone user, losing one's phone is like losing an appendage. And what loyal friend would not try to retrieve your arm or leg if it had somehow fallen off a bridge and landed on thin ice? The survival of our species depends on mutual support.
Two days later, Bruce, 17, volunteered to fetch the phone. He figured the ice, which was only an inch thick in places, was strong enough to hold him for the rescue mission. Another friend urged Bruce to give up and go back to shore. "I can do it," Bruce insisted.

A bridge attendant also warned him to stay off the ice, but, as his mother explained, "It's just something Bruce would have done." The attendant rushed to his post to call the police. He was on the phone when a bystander told him that someone had fallen in. An officer arrived at the scene moments later to find Bruce partially submerged in the 35-degree water. The officer dashed to his car for a rescue buoy. When he returned, Bruce had already gone under. His body was recovered the next morning.

Bruce did not die in vain. The cell phone was recovered.

(10 February 2004, New York) Exactly three weeks later, 18-year-old Lina, of Queens, jumped onto the subway tracks to retrieve her new cell phone just as the V train was rounding the corner into the Grand Avenue station. She apparently expected to hop right back up onto the platform, five feet above the tracks, but after two attempts, she was still stuck. As the lights of the oncoming train shone in the tunnel, two men tried to pull her up, but she was knocked out of their hands as the train rushed into the station, emergency brakes squealing. She died along with her cell phone.

Reader Comments:
"Let the cell phone go!"
"And we think our cell phone bills are high!"
"Proof that using a cell phone causes brain damage?"

(22 April 2004, Georgia) At a Cave Springs "convenience dump" where local residents could drop off waste for later delivery to the main county dump, monitors were paid to ensure that residents deposited only allowed waste. One keen-eyed inspector noticed a bottle in the trash compactor that looked suspiciously like homemade wine. He fished the bottle out of the compactor. At this point you may be thinking this is a "man crushed by compactor" story--but no!
After safely retrieving the bottle, the gentleman in question and another local man proceeded to drink the "wine". Apparently, neither of them took a clue from the fact that the bottle had been thrown away in a dump, leading to the reasonable conclusion that its contents were undrinkable. This particular vintage was antifreeze. Both men were poisoned, and one died.



Ironically, if the men had actually been drinking wine along with their antifreeze, both might have lived. Ethanol is sometimes used in hospitals to counteract the deadly effects of antifreeze poisoning. Antifreeze is not toxic until the ethylene glycol is converted to oxalic acid, which crystallizes and damages the kidneys. Since the enzyme alcohol dehydrogenase is the first step in forming oxalic acid, the reaction is inhibited by administering a dose of ethanol, which competes for the enzyme."

I love the Darwin Awards! xd