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 Posted: Wed Sep 27, 2006 9:24 pm
"A quick look at my pitch black dreaming" <-- My favorite line.
Definitely something I'd give snaps to at a coffee house...being the beatnik that I am or wish I were.
The last stanza makes sense as the counterpart to the beginning, but I don't think it quite equals the quality. I agree with SilverMystic13's overview, but I'd add that you try to touch on too many issues. It might be better to focus on a particular emotion you want your reader to feel.
It's a bit too jumbled, so maybe you could use some of the material to create seperate poems and tweak this one? There are definitely a lot of ideas and material to work with.
Seriously though, if you could somehow elaborate on that one line (I even like how it is placed as the second line) I would really enjoy seeing your next creation.
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Posted: Thu Sep 28, 2006 1:25 pm
hehe ^^..... "A quick look at my pitch black dreaming", that means, even though as I sleep, or am awake, I'm oblivious to the world that I should know. Blocking out all emotions, blocking out all dreams. People view me from that state.
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Posted: Sun Oct 01, 2006 6:39 am
Schizophrenic Angel a never ending song of torture, a missing piece, is my soul's lecture. I got abstract with that ^^, yes you were right about the screams, but as for 'a missing piece, is my soul's lecture', well that means that I'm hiding a piece of me from everyone else, and my heart tells me, that I should just let them know, but I keep it in anyways. ^^..... ya most peoplewouldn't catch that... and sorry for the comma usage XD..... I'm not great with comma's and such, but I try my best... ish XD It's really good otherwise, hun. All it needs is a bit of tweaking, just like Silenus Slade said, and you'll have a phenomenal poem. ^__^
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