Welcome to Gaia! ::

(( akay. I might be around if I get enough done on my textiles shizzle. Goodnight. biggrin ))


"Hmph, you're crazy," is all he says before he gets back to work. All the ragged mess slowly becomes less and less torn. There's really only so much he can do, though, with such open wounds. He gets to the point where they'll stop bleeding and reknit properly on their own, and then he lets her be. "Just keep it wrapped in something clean. Make sure to change your bandages. I'm sure you know all that if you're so used to a life of brutality." He sighs and sits back against the couch. Just a little blood is all it takes and the alcohol hits him... hard. Very hard. The room starts to spin, and his vision begins to blur, and then tilt very slowly from side to side. "Rrrrrrrr," he moans, clapping a hand akwardly over his mouth and one of his eyes.

"You demons and your fighting..... everyone... is that what the world is really about? Is that all we're really destined to do? To ********... slaughter and maime and hurt each other? I tell ya, LP... I'm losing faith. The only thing I still believe in is love. If only that could solve everything. If only I could use it... for.... for everyone." His hand slides off his face, down his chest, and ends up resting limply in his lap. "What do I do? What am I supposed to do? How can I redeem myself if when I get the chance, I fail? "

(( oh no, it looks like he's gotten to ranting drunkedly. razz Good luck! ))

"Oh, it's just everything," he slurs. "I can't do it. I don't know what I was thinking. How could I hope to sway another when I'm so twisted up myself? I'm no holy man in an ochre shawl. I have no wisdom or peace with which to influence anyone. We're all just so far, far behind. Me especially. When will we finally break free? When will this perpetuation of lies and harm release us into forever? We've got so so long.. we're still so much at the beginning. We're all running around in circles, bouncing off of each other at the beginning of the journey.... running into trees."

He runs his hand through his hair miserably and doubles over, threatening to roll right off the couch if he does so much further. "Oooooooohhh..... ooo, I'm not strong enough. Why did this have to happen now?" Like a falling timber, he slowly begins to tip over onto his side, until he hits the couch with a *thud*. He continues to mutter into the the cushions, "I'm talking about the world and how I fit in it. I wish I could throw all the fish back. It's impossible. Infuriatingly, depressingly, gut-wrenchingly impossible. And I am only a fish, drowning out of water along with all the others. I can't throw anyone back. I see them gasping out of the corner of my drying eye, all my fellow fish. I love them and I hate them, hate because I am hurting in the sun and poisionous air. They hate me. But neither love nor hate will bring us back. Love is so small and frail in my hands. So easily crushed. So quickly turned to a cloud of useless vapor by the heat of my rage and the burning, merciless sun. I want to learn peace to teach others. That's my problem... That's what I'm talking about.. I'm no holy man in an ochre shawl.."

(( ah, he makes sense when all the context behind what he's saying is understood. The problem is, he's not likely to explain it all XD ))

"Oh, the fish, you know? Haven't you ever heard that story? The story of the boy and the fish? I'll tell you. Once apon a time, a man was walking along the banks of a very large lake, and littered around his feet were the bodies of dying fish. You see, the lake had been drying, and left thousands of fish stranded on land. He walked on, and meeting him, came a boy. Every so often, the boy would stoop to pick up a fish and throw it in the water. The man asked him, 'boy, why do you even bother throwing back a few fish when there are thousands? What does it matter?' And the boy replied, 'it matters to the few I throw back.'"

"It is a good lesson. A meaningful lesson. But I can't be content with just throwing back a few fish. I want, I need to throw them all back. And I, being so poor, so lowly, only a dying fish myself in the great wheel, I can throw back none. I want to, but I can't."

(( that will most likely be the case XD ))

"You don't have enough time, LP. They'll die before you can get to them. Die, and then when the wheel turns, and the lake leaves the next lifetime's worth of fish stranded on its banks, it will be too many yet again. That's the lesson, don't you see? That it can't be done. It's the world. It's the way. The fish must save themselves by no longer being fish, but I can't escape. I've tried. I'm missing something. All the heat and swelter and poison and hurt holds me back when I should be going forward. When we all should be going forward. It's such a hard world. I had been saved from the absolute bottom by a holy spirit... I want to be that spirit, whose eyes can calm and touch can tame, but I'm too hard and I have claws that will never be clipped. They just grow back.... Go ahead, drink all you like." He waves a hand stupidly in the air and then flops it back down beside him.

"My race? Maybe." He gives out a little snort. "It's true that we are not much better than demons. I just got a rather stark reminder of that. I just.... I don't know. It's not just me. We're all in it. All of us until we can escape, even the holy people. But they are so much closer. We have so far to go. And I was talking about perverbial claws..."

He tries to sit back up, but his arms seem to slide out from under him and land him right back where he started. "Time doesn't matter so much in the long run. That's what I have to learn. It's just so hard. It's a hard thing to learn."

"er.. no, no, I'm good." He shuffles so that he's more comfortable, and then commits himself to his position. "Ah... that's right. Those who can't die. It's an unfair, unnatural state. One of the worst. I wonder often why I haven't killed myself to move on. I know the answer, though... I want to redeem the things I've done in this lifetime before I forget, and suffer so badly in the next."

"We're all meant to repeat hell over and over again until we can escape," he mumbles drowsily. "And we have to die to move on and out. It's the natural cycle. It's the way things need to be if we ever hope to escape. To trap someone in one life forever is the ultimate cruelty. It means they can never leave. I'm lucky in that I can still die."

"Who is it you're looking for, then? The girl you used to know? I told you once that if you loved her enough, you'd find each other again, but I have given up hope in anything like that happening," He says rather bitterly. "I used to think love is strong enough to cross the boundries of death, but it's not so. Maybe the lesson you need to learn is just to move on. Leave that life behind."