Welcome to Gaia! ::

You're easily amused....I've actually had the privilege of squeezing a**l glands. The animal was definitely NOT amused nor cooperative, but my family and friends found it quite entertaining. It seems at the time we couldn't afford veterinary fees and since I'm a nurse, I figured, it couldn't be all that hard... stressed

Now for some more random entertainment!
Here are some 100% real yet incredibley stupid state laws.
Here are California's stupid state laws:
arrow 1.Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.
arrow 2.Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.
arrow 3.Bathhouses are against the law.
arrow 4.It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.
arrow 5.Women may not drive in a house coat.
arrow 6.No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.


What with #4!! When did whales grow legs and start hanging out by the sides of roads and freeways! "Im just driving down the freeway in the middle of the desert, hey look! a whale! Its coming right for us!*bang bang*" rolleyes
...And the cops can have fun trying to pull over the car going 150 on the freeway with no driver...

I have been studying chinese culture and mandarin chinese language for some time now. Don't know if anyone is interested, but here's my collection. There are some jokes at the end, if you want to skip the real ones. These lose a lot in the translation; they’re amazing in the original.

Chinese Proverbs:


It’s easy to get a thousand prescriptions, but hard to find a cure.

Time is like an arrow; once gone it never returns.

Do all that is possible within human limits and leave the rest to Heaven’s will.

Quality goods are not cheap and cheap goods are not high quality.

Kind words are hard to get, while harsh words are easy to give.

When a thing is done don’t talk about it; spilt water cannot be gathered up—it’s too late.

Death and life have their determined appointments; riches and honors depend upon Heaven.

He who sits in a well to obseerve the sky does not see very much.

Choose only good neighbors; associate with worthy friends.

A dog catching rats—is meddling in unimportant matters. (I don’t get this one)

When the guests arrive, to sweep the floor; after the thieves leave, to lock the doors—it’s too late.

Have no recollection of kind deeds bestowed; do not forget favors received.

One generation plants the tree, the next sits in the shade.

Friends while good dinners last; husband and wife while fuel and food remain.

A good reputation is hard to establish; while news of evil deeds is easily circulated.

Mere talk is empty; a written statement is concrete.

Man proposes; Heaven disposes.

Blessings seldom come in pairs, while troubles never come alone.

One hurtful word wounds like a sharp knife.

Making something out of nothing is like adding legs to a snake in a painting.

If you suspect a man, do not employ him. If you employ a man, do not suspect him.

Rear sons for old age; store up grain against famine.

The peony flower is beautiful, but it needs the green leaves to enhance it’s beauty.

Saving one man’s life is better than building a seven storied temple.

Digging a well to quench a thirst, embracing Buddha’s feet when in distress—it’s too late.

As a flower does not retain its color for a hundred days, so man does not always remain in good luck (or health).

Man does not live to a hundred years but he worries enough for a thousand.

It is easier to catch a tiger in the hills than to ask favors from people.

A man at seventy is like frost on a roof tile; a man at eighty is like a candle before the wind.

When a trifling present is sent a long distance; the gift may be light but the intention is weighty.

If one does not exert himself in youth, there will be only griefs in old age.

The ancient people valued time like gold; a great man’s ambition should be as wide as the four seas.

Do not spend your good days in idleness, for your youth does not come again.

As white wine reddens a man’s face, so yellow gold blacken’s mankind’s heart.

Do not pull up your shoes in somebody’s melon field nor adjust your hat under a plum tree (to avoid suspicion).

A man may be fine at home a thousand days, but when he goes abroad he meets hardship.

If you honor your parents at home, why go afar to burn incense (to pray for their health)?

With unanimity, even a mountain could be made into jade; with cooperation, even dirt could be made into gold.

The old crow laughing at the pig for being black, and not realizing his own ugliness.

He who has goods to sell need not worry of being poor, just as true gold is not afraid of being tested by fire.

He who receives favors from a small-minded man has to repay them for life. (!!)

He who goes out and does not spend money is not welcomed by others.

Like a clay-baked idol crossing a river—he can’t even take care of himself.

The first generation plants the bamboo; the next generation enjoys its blessings.

A single filament does not make a thread, nor does a solitary tree make a forest.

Better die ten years earlier than spend old age in poverty.

Walk three hundred paces after meals and you will keep the doctor away.

He who rides the tiger finds it hard to dismount.

When alone, think of your own shortcomings; when in company, do not discuss the faults of others.

There are two dangers in this world: a dangerous river and a dangerous heart, but the latter is even more so.

There are two thin things in this world: spring’s ice is thin, but man’s feelings are thinner.

One eyewitness is worth a hundred hearsays.

It is better to have a spacious mind than a spacious house.

Ivory does not come from a rat’s mouth.

Distant water cannot put out a fire at hand.

Like carrying a lute into a mill, or playing music to an ox—useless activity.

The fortunes of men are as uncertain as the weather.

A true gentleman seeks to perfect the admirable qualities of men, and does not seek to develop their faults.

One who is willing to restrain a moment’s anger will avoid a hundred days’ sorrow.

Water far away will not quench a fire that is nearby; relatives far away are not as good as neighbors close to you.

Diligence is a priceless treasure, a prudence is a protective charm.

Better prevent than cure disease; better diminish than add to trouble.

Small earnings and heavy expenses mean a life of ceaseless activity.

A man without a smiling face should not open a store.

The two words “in peace” are worth a thousand pieces of gold.

Fame and Gain have been the cause of many troubles.

Asking a favor is like swallowing a three foot sword.

Better be a master of one trade than start a hundred trades.

One has to raise children before he realizes gratitude for his mother.

He is truly a gentleman who can watch a game of chess in silence.

Even the most clear minded judge finds it hard to decide a family squabble.

Make your whole year’s plan in the Spring, and your day’s early in the morning.

A bad man may be feared by his fellow men but not by Heaven; a good man may be insulted by his fellow men but not by Heaven.

Heaven does not produce a useless man just as earth does not grow grasses without roots.

There is a road to Heaven but no one goes there; there is no door to Hell but men knock there.

A mind enlightened is Heaven; a mind darkened is Hell.

Let every man sweep the snow off his front doorstep and not bother about the frost on his neighbor’s rooftop.

Guard your speech and do not discuss others’ shortcomings, for when have you yourself talked to others of your own faults?

Like the year already past mid-autumn or the moon already on the wane, a man who is getting old can never regain his youth.

Just as flowers bloom and wither year by year, men can never regain their youth.

When you have food and wine, friends are many; when you are in need, friends you won’t find any.

A man who has a clear conscience is not frightened by a midnight knock at his door.

When trouble comes near it is too late to regret, just as when a boat reaches mid-stream it is too late to mend the leak.

You may sketch a tiger’s skin but find it hard to sketch his bones; you may know a man’s face but not know his heart.

Fake Chinese Proverbs (don’t believe it when people tell you Confucius really said these):

Confucius say: Man who eat too many jelly beans poo in living color.

Confucius say: Man who go to bed with itchy bum wake up with stinky finger.

Those are cool, I know a few Confucius say ones.
Confucius say: Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
Confucius say: Man who go through airport metal detector sideways going to Bangcock.

Ontario-
Roosters may not crow in the city limits.

Pacific Grove-
It is illegal to molest butterflies.

Palm Springs-
It is illegal to walk a camel down Palm Canyon Drive between the hours of four and six PM.

Pasadena-
It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss.

Prunedale-
Two bathtubs may not be installed in the same house.

Redlands-
Motor vehicles may not drive on city streets unless a man with a lantern is wallking ahead of it.

Riverside-
One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o'clock.

San Diego-
*It is illegal to shoot jackrabbits from the back of a streetcar.
*The owners of houses with Christmas lights on them past February second may be fined up to $250.

Now for a few facts:
arrow In ancient Japan, it was thought that somewhere on the tail of a cat there was a single hair that would restore life to a dying person. Relatives would sometimes bring a cat to the dying person, letting them pluck a hair to try their luck. So they'd die anyway, but with a cat swatting their face with their claws...

arrow Jerome Rodale, who founded The Rodale Press publishing house, was taping an interview on the d**k Cavett Talk show. He was bragging about how he was so healthy he'd live to be 100 when he slumped over, dead from a heart attack. The show was never broadcast to the public because it'd be kinda funny.

arrow Cosmic Irony - The person who wrote the famous song, "Keep the Home Fires Burning" burnt to death when their home caught fire.

arrow In 1970, television newsmanChris Hubbock announced, "In keeping with Channel 40's policy of always bringing you the latest in gore and guts in living color, you're about to see another first - an attempted suicide". Then she pulled out a gun and fatally shot herself in the head.

arrow Eric II, King of Denmark, died in 1104. He was known as Eric the Memorable. No one remembers why

arrow Napoleon killed over a thousand people with a cough. In 1799 he was deciding whether to release 1,200 Turkish prisoners of war when he coughed and said, "Ma sacré toux!" (my darned cough) which sounded to officers like "Massacrez tous!" (Kill them all!). So they did.

arrow Mummies were so plentiful when first discovered that they were ground up and sold as fertilizer and put into medicines

arrow A few months before he got killed in a car accident, James Dean made a driver's safety TV ad in which he said, "Drive safely; the life you save may be mine".

arrow Crematoria ovens heat typically to 1,100-1,300 F and will burn up a 180 lb. man in about an hour and a half. There's always bones and chunks left; everything is then ground up and those are the 'ashes' you get back.

arrow The word 'mausoleum' comes from the memorial tomb of Mausolus, ruler of Caria, who died in 353 B.C. When he died his wife had him cremated, mixed his ashes with water, and drank him. Cheers!

arrow In 1355, when King Pedro of Portugal was crowned, he dug up his mistress to have her properly honored as queen. Loyal subjects bowed before the decorated corpse and had to kiss her hand.

arrow By law, all executed criminals in the U.S. have to have an autopsy to determine cause of death. I guess "He was executed by lethal injection" isn't good enough...

arrow Last words of Thomas Grasso, executed in 1995: "I did not get my Spaghetti-O's, I got spaghetti. I want the press to know this". Oh, quit whining and have a seat.

arrow The first recorded means of execution is stoning. It was usually a public participation sport, and it was considered bad form to hit the victim in the head. The preferred method was to keep the victim conscious and suffering for as long as possible from internal injuries and broken bones. Think that's horrible? They still do this in some countries. To women. Only.

arrow When the Bozo Show's Mr. Ned died, they cremated him and put him in bucket #6.
Hahahahahah!! I made that up! They didn't. Really. I just thought that was damn clever of me.

arrow William Kemmler was the first person to be executed in the electric chair in 1890, at Auburn Prison in New York. It was a disaster. The executioner had to administer several rounds of juice while Kemmler kicked, seared, smoked, thrashed and convulsed, finally dying after 8 minutes. An autopsy showed he literally cooked to death, from the inside out.

arrow Lethal injection was first used in 1982. Three separate drugs are used, starting with a barbiturate which knocks the victim out. I'm told by someone who works in a Texas prison and who has witnessed this up close that the recipient is not aware that they are "dying" in any way and that, physically at least, it is a painless procedure.

arrow Singer Steve Goodman had his ashes buried under the home plate in Chicago's Wrigley Field.

arrow An eternal flame lamp at the tomb of a Buddhist priest in Nara, Japan has been tended to and kept burning for 1,127 years (2003)

arrow The first drive-in mortuary was opened in Atlanta in 1968 by Hirschel Thornton. While the deceased rested behind a glass wall, those wanting to pay last respects could drive by without having to get out of their cars. There's "caring' for you, huh? Wonder if they'll have burgers to go, next...

arrow From the 1850s to the 1880s, the most common reason for death among cowboys in the American West was being dragged by a horse while their foot was still caught in the stirrups. Then I guess someone noticed this and said, "Hey! We ought to be more careful!" So it stopped.

arrow Direct Dialing inspired by death - Almon Strowger was one of two undertakers who worked in Kansas City in the 1800s. When a dear friend died, he thought it was pretty strange he hadn't been called by the family to take care of the funeral arrangements. It just so happened that the only telephone operator in Kansas City, who received and directed all the city's phone calls, was the other undertaker's wife. Hmmm.... Strowger didn't get mad, he got even. He invented the world's first automatic telephone exchange system (and the first dial phone) making it possible for people to dial numbers directly and not have to use operators.

arrow When Anne Boleyn was beheaded, so was her dog, Urian. Guess that showed her.

arrow It's estimated that in one hour, Genghis Khan's army killed 1,748,000 people. Each of his men was ordered to kill as many people as they could until they dropped from exhaustion, and bring the ears of the victims to the officers for proof.

arrow Elephants have been known to die of broken hearts if a mate dies. They refuse to eat and will lay down, shedding tears until they starve to death. They refuse all human help.

arrow Armadillos and humans are the only animals that get leprosy.

arrow It would take more than 2.5 minutes to fall from the top of Mt. Everest. Then you'd go --->S P L A T <---

arrow It's a myth that there's a "curse of King Tut's tomb" and 'most ' of the people who were present at the opening of the tomb died swift, horrible deaths. Of the 22 present at it's opening, 21 were alive 10 years later.


all these came from: http://www.anomalies-unlimited.com/Death_Trivia.html

Will you get caught out by these trick questions ??
1: You are competing in a race, and overtake the runner in second place.
In which position are you now?

Answer:

If you answered that you're now coming first then you're completely wrong. You overtook the second runner and took their place, therefore you're coming second.

If you overtake the last runner, what position are you now in?

Answer:

If you answered second-last, once again you're completely wrong. Think about it...How can you over take the person coming last? If you're behind them then they can't be last. The answer is impossible!!

DO NOT I REPEAT DO NOT TAKE NOTES OR USE A CALCULATOR OR THIS QUESTION WILL NOT WORK
3 : Take 1000. Add 40. Add another 1000. Add 30. 1000 again. Plus 20. Plus 1000. And plus 10. What is the total ?

Answer:

5000??? Wrong again!!!!
The correct answer is 4100. Try again with a good calculator.

For Jack Bauer fans...

Hey, did you hear Jack Bauer shot Helen Keller in the knee to make her talk?

If Jack Bauer was on Brokeback Mountain, there would be no gay cowboys, just dead ones.

Jack Bauer knows the wrong way to eat a Reese's.

Jack Bauer was once shot. The bullet was killed on impact.

When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.

Jack Bauer is the reason Hitler committed suicide.

Jack Bauer doesn't wash his clothes. He tortures them until they're clean.

Jack Bauer would win the World Series of Poker because nobody bluffs Jack Bauer.

Chuck Norris is a Texas ranger only because Jack Bauer wont allow him to be a federal agent.

Jack Bauer voted for Pedro.

When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.

GI Joe plays with a Jack Bauer action figure.

You don't want to know what Jack Bauer do for a Klondike bar.

Even Jedi Mind Tricks cannot phase Jack Bauer.

Everybody makes mistakes. Except Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer won a game of pictionary without drawing anything.

When Jack Bauer was 5 he tried to buy a balloon at the carnival. They ran out of balloons. Jack still got a balloon.

Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.

Screw Bob Marley - Jack Bauer shot the sheriff.

When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer hates lemonade.

Only reason Chuck Norris is alive is because Jack Bauer needs someone to make fun of.

If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.

Jack Bauer can get The Cosby Mysteries back on TV.

If Jack Bauer was Irish, England would be called Bauerland.

Jack Bauer can speak Braille.

Only Jack Bauer knows if Tupac is really dead or alive.

Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.

Jack Bauer can do the minute waltz in 3 seconds.

Jack Bauer can kill Ganon without the Master Sword.

Your attraction to Jack Bauer in no way affects your sexual preference.

Jack Bauer doesn't like Sara Lee.

Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

Chuck Norris told Jack Bauer that he only killed 15 people cause he ran out of bullets. Jack told him he only killed 93 people cause he ran out of people.

People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.

When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.

Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's beef.

1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

MC Hammer was wrong. Jack CAN touch this.

Jack Bauer says there's a spoon.