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 Posted: Mon Aug 21, 2006 12:39 pm
Wonderful...my pride is still intact.^^ The play went well..everyone remembered their lines...and fell in love with my bro.
Kidding....but not by much. He played the part of the very cool and handsome woodsmen...so he was very much adored.
Anyway..thanks for all the good luck guys.^^
And now it is time to pass on the luck to...Kage! I hope everything goes well for you. Just make sure that you get a lot of rest the last couple of days before heading to boot camp....you'll need it.
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Posted: Tue Sep 05, 2006 1:45 pm
Well I guess it's my turn.... I've run over how to say this in my mind dozens of times but I guess I'll just come out and say it....
I think my mother is dieing....
I don't know really what’s going on.... I think it might be a tumor or something serious like that... all I know is that by the end of this week or next she'll be heading into Boston or something and won't really be able to do much... I think she's getting a treatment and I can only hope that her crying is just because she's scared of what might happen during the treatment and not because she has a literal time limit now...
I don't really know what to do though... I mean all I can do is whenever I see her really sad is just give her a hug... but I don't want to talk about it and risk making her even sadder and I don't know enough to reassure her that it'll all be ok.... on top of that schools starting and I have to keep focused otherwise my grades will suffer...
I'm trying to talk to my dad about it, I can talk easier to him, but every time a good moment comes up I put it off.... I don't see my mom much anyways because she just stays up in my dads computer room playing everquest and when I do see her half the time she acts fine and the other half she’s crying.....
The worst part is I don't feel scared... sure I'm nervous but I can go off and do something to talk my mind off the matter easily enough... and I'm hoping, once again, that it's something that’s treatable.... maybe that’s why I'm so calm... that or that I'm a fairly detached person when it comes to matters like this....
anyway... I didn't want to tell any of my friends about this... its not their problem... but I just needed to let it out somewhere, ANYWHERE....
it's hard to figure out what to do....
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Posted: Tue Sep 05, 2006 7:44 pm
I know it is neither the time nor the place, and actually, it was part of the reason I was going to post in the first place, but...
Jan, I am hurt. You do not consider us friends?
Sorry... Every time something serious is being discussed I just feel this overwhelming need to make a joke, or do anything that would bring about laughter. Call it OCD or just plain insecurity, but I just do.
Nothing compared to a parent dying, but literally more personal.
On said topic of parental health failing, my father has something happening with his inner ear which no one can find out what is wrong with it. He has horrible dizziness and vertigo to the point where he cannot even drive anymore.
As if by some divine spite, my mother is wanting to hold me back a year from college because she has finally started enjoying my company. This is a double suck. I have gotten to the point where I honestly would be indifferent if my parents died. I just have nothing in common with them and they almost make a point of finding ways to make me loath them. Now I feel like an absolute monster for feeling the way I do which I cannot help and because of what they have done.
What makes all of this even worse is that I truly love them from the bottom of my heart. That makes my complete loathing of them hurt even more.
The part that makes me really bitter about these things are I cannot actually talk about them with my friends. They never take me seriously - partly I did in fact cause - and that just builds even more. Anytime you cannot openly talk with your "friends", something is terribly wrong.
Yeah, while on my second of shame, it truly and absolutely and uninhabitable sucks when everyone you know is finding true happiness with marriage and long term relationships and you are stuck in an all-boy school with no out side contact.
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Posted: Thu Sep 07, 2006 5:55 am
I know the feeling of that whole need to make a joke thing... when I found out about my mom I kinda chuckled and admitted that I had no clue what-so-ever about what to say....
Kind of made me feel like a total a*****e when my mom said that I shouldn't be laughing....
But then…. it made me also mad when I think about how I should react to situations like that... I mean nervous laughing, making a joke, or even just saying nothing... sure those aren't exactly the best things to say or do but come-on... I don't want to give my mom some kind of stereotypical response to such a situation.... I know she might die and I know it's not funny but that’s how I deal with it... and how other people do as well.... just because it's not tears and hugs, something I think would make my mom feel worse... I chose to smile and try my best to be happy. I mean I want to give my mom the feeling that I know this is serious but I'm not worried about it because I know she'll be ok and everything will work out....
The only problem is that because of that, my mom thinks I'm just not getting the seriousness of it through my head.... (Something that came about, back when I was a kid and my mom took everything I said WAY to seriously.... but don't get me started on that....)
And yes Sovi, I consider many of you my friends, but it doesn't change the fact that I haven't met you in RL, I have talked to in RL, or haven't even hung out with you in RL. True online friends lack a certain REAL LIFE aspect of it. (Real life being, knowing and interacting outside of a computer) But I take the good with the bad... sure I've never met any of you... but you guys are more likely to keep talking to me after I move... or graduate.... or any of those life changing events... many of which my RL friends stopped talking to me soon after.... due to the fact that we were only friends cuz we saw each other every day.... online allows me, no matter where I am, to stay in contact with many of you.
High school is not known for making friends that will truly be there though thick and thin....
And I know the feeling, everyone around me seems to always be enjoying life more then me. Hanging out with friends more.... having a b/f, g/f.... going to parties... all that stuff... and sometimes when I look at it and compare it to my life it all just makes me seem rather sad and pathetic...
But then I shrug.... I could say something about me having the better life after I graduate and have an executive job and them serving fries, but I know that that’s not always the case... many of them will most likely have a great life after they get done partying and straighten up.... I'm better then that... much better I know that the stuff they do I probly wouldn't like anyways.... they live fast and party hard... while I'm content with having online friends and hanging out at my local hobby store....
'the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence'
Don’t worry about everyone else, you’re not them and you never will be. Be happy with what you have and enjoy life as it comes to you, I'm not going to say there's someone out there for everyone and you just have to find her.... or him razz
I'm going to say stop giving a damn, if it makes you feel crappy to see that, stop looking... your not doing yourself or your REAL friends any good getting all mopey and depressed cuz other people look happier then you...
and sovi... about your parents... you have to get away sometime... it happens to all of us, especially if the parents are total A-holes.... but the fact is you do love them... you care, and your worried and that’s a good thing.... so don't worry about likening them, I hate my parents too sometimes, especially my mom.... but that doesn’t mean I don't love her...
To illiterate... a quote from family guy...
Da Pope:
"Peter... the lord said to honor thy father and thy mother.... but he didn't say a thing about liken them!"
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Posted: Thu Sep 07, 2006 1:58 pm
Jan, thanks for the intention, though you missed the target completely.
I have lived like that my entire life. I am exactly the way I wanted to be when I was very little.
I have some wonderful friends, but they do not take me seriously in the sense that when I am trying to talk about a problem or something that needs actual advice or backing, they think I am joking. I excepted long ago that I am selfish beyond description and see nothing wrong with it, only that when my friends should be there for me, they are not.
Being fair, I cannot blame them.
Oh, and the other people happier part.
I could care less if my brothers/cousins/friends were all in wonderful relationships. The point is that I would love to be in one too, but I cannot because of circumstances out of my control.
As an example of how removed from the opposite sex I am, the only time I have ever had an actual conversation with a woman was when I was talking with my brothers' girlfriends. I have no issues of confidence or anything wrong with my end of things. I just never, EVER, and I mean EVER in the sense that death is permanent, EVER see girls outside of family gatherings.
As for the parents...
My parents are deeply religious. By deeply, I mean that they have told us that they care more about God than my brothers and me. Personally, I am an Atheist.
See where trouble gets brewing?
I have always been an Atheist in the same absolutist sense that I never see girls. For all of my life, my parents have been forcing me to church, forcing me to bible study groups and forcing me to all sorts of fun, church relating things. With guys. I do not even see girls when I am forced to do things I loath more than starvation.
Because of this, I hate my parents so deeply that I will absolutely never forgive them, less I have a divine rebirth, which shouldn’t happen. I cannot honor them and am more inclined to do the opposite if their religion tells me to.
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Posted: Fri Sep 08, 2006 7:25 am
Ahh well I didnt know many of the details of your previous rant so I had to work with what I had *shrugs*
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Posted: Fri Sep 08, 2006 6:43 pm
Thank everything on this sweet planet..I am at least part normal. Normal in the sense that I am somewhat like you two, you two being other people on this earth.
I get that really big urge to joke too...like at a funeral. It's not good when you can't seem to think of anything serious to say.
My mom's been going through some health problems lately too...though it's not suposed to be real serious or anything. Actually..I guess it is serious...just not...fatal.
On the subject of friends, my online friends are the only ones I ever talk to every day...and so really....you're practically my only friends.
Unlike you though Sovi..I actually don't get to interact with people other than my family everyday.
I don't even have any people I know from church..because we don't go.
Funny really....my parents have told me before who they love in order....I understood why though..and just said it was the same for them. God always comes first.
I mean honestly...of God were a person, and he loved you since before you could ever return that love, he's gotta be first.
Sovi, you do realize that highschool relationships rarely last...right? You might as well wait until college.
But, if you really want to get out of a boy's only school setting, you gotta debate. Propose reasons why that setting is not good for a wholesome outcome, etc.
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Posted: Fri Sep 08, 2006 8:19 pm
I can certainly see where you are coming from Sovi, concerning the issue of your parents and controlling behavior.
It is all too often that my parents put their beliefs and views ahead of the thoughts and opinions of my sister and myself. An example of this is that my mom basically forced me into entering into a Businesses major at college, and I knew from the beginning that it was the last major I would ever choose for myself. But for three weeks I decided to give it a try and perhaps make her happy...but just a few days ago I had a nervous breakdown at work when I had been helping someone with an accounting class problem. (At the current time I had been in Accounting as well.) And I simply could not understand the problem that the student was asking me to help her with, (this not being the first time I became frustrated with Accounting class). Then I began to think, Can I really see myself at a desk doing office work for the next decade or two?. I wanted to please my parents and wanted to get a degree that would enable me to get a job with enough income to support my sister when she graduates. (My sister has type 1 diabetes and it is difficult for anyone with the condition to get good insurance or a decent job.)
But then I realized that I was not cut out for office work...I would be absolutely miserable no matter what reason I needed to have the job for.
So after an nervous collapse sweatdrop and a very long cry on the drive back home, I came to the conclusion that incentive and need are far below purpose and reason. You can't live your life for anyone else, your life is your own...and you only get one chance at it.
So as of Monday I am changing my major from Business to Psychology in hopes of becoming a criminal profiler. heart
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Posted: Sat Sep 09, 2006 7:11 am
Wow, Crow, that is what I was planning. Creeepy... Even down to the business WAIT psychology and criminals.
I know that high school romances never last, though they have for one of my brothers and both of my cousins (one of which is now married, happily, and the other engaged.)
The point of getting into a relationship in high school is simply to get used to it. It might be rather heartless, but I think of it as practice. I want to know what I am doing before I get into a serious relationship.
As for the schooling, that is a much longer story than I would prefer to go into, as it is the other reason I hate and am completely indebted to my parents. I have only this year before I have good wiggle room on my education.
And as for church, that has stopped very recently. They realized that all of that was hurting my view of religion as a whole and have now backed off completely. Unfortunately, we can never interact because there is that tension that they made. Technically I had a part in it, but it happened because of them forcing their views onto me.
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Posted: Sat Sep 09, 2006 11:34 am
SovietSnowball Wow, Crow, that is what I was planning. Creeepy... Even down to the business WAIT psychology and criminals. I know that high school romances never last, though they have for one of my brothers and both of my cousins (one of which is now married, happily, and the other engaged.) The point of getting into a relationship in high school is simply to get used to it. It might be rather heartless, but I think of it as practice. I want to know what I am doing before I get into a serious relationship. As for the schooling, that is a much longer story than I would prefer to go into, as it is the other reason I hate and am completely indebted to my parents. I have only this year before I have good wiggle room on my education. And as for church, that has stopped very recently. They realized that all of that was hurting my view of religion as a whole and have now backed off completely. Unfortunately, we can never interact because there is that tension that they made. Technically I had a part in it, but it happened because of them forcing their views onto me. Of course the relationship is going to fail if you come in with that kind of attitude gonk
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Posted: Sat Sep 09, 2006 11:56 am
SovietSnowball Wow, Crow, that is what I was planning. Creeepy... Even down to the business WAIT psychology and criminals.
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Posted: Sat Sep 09, 2006 4:05 pm
Gourou Bandai SovietSnowball Wow, Crow, that is what I was planning. Creeepy... Even down to the business WAIT psychology and criminals. I know that high school romances never last, though they have for one of my brothers and both of my cousins (one of which is now married, happily, and the other engaged.) The point of getting into a relationship in high school is simply to get used to it. It might be rather heartless, but I think of it as practice. I want to know what I am doing before I get into a serious relationship. As for the schooling, that is a much longer story than I would prefer to go into, as it is the other reason I hate and am completely indebted to my parents. I have only this year before I have good wiggle room on my education. And as for church, that has stopped very recently. They realized that all of that was hurting my view of religion as a whole and have now backed off completely. Unfortunately, we can never interact because there is that tension that they made. Technically I had a part in it, but it happened because of them forcing their views onto me. Of course the relationship is going to fail if you come in with that kind of attitude gonk That had better have been a sarcastic comment, Gourou. They are the reasons I hate them. I would love being around them if they did not always want to trying and reiterate what they have always said and then try and guilt me into agreeing with them. I am perfectly fine with them believing what ever thing they want, but they had better damn well not stick it on me.
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Posted: Sat Sep 09, 2006 4:35 pm
SovietSnowball Gourou Bandai SovietSnowball Wow, Crow, that is what I was planning. Creeepy... Even down to the business WAIT psychology and criminals. I know that high school romances never last, though they have for one of my brothers and both of my cousins (one of which is now married, happily, and the other engaged.) The point of getting into a relationship in high school is simply to get used to it. It might be rather heartless, but I think of it as practice. I want to know what I am doing before I get into a serious relationship. As for the schooling, that is a much longer story than I would prefer to go into, as it is the other reason I hate and am completely indebted to my parents. I have only this year before I have good wiggle room on my education. And as for church, that has stopped very recently. They realized that all of that was hurting my view of religion as a whole and have now backed off completely. Unfortunately, we can never interact because there is that tension that they made. Technically I had a part in it, but it happened because of them forcing their views onto me. Of course the relationship is going to fail if you come in with that kind of attitude gonk That had better have been a sarcastic comment, Gourou. They are the reasons I hate them. I would love being around them if they did not always want to trying and reiterate what they have always said and then try and guilt me into agreeing with them. I am perfectly fine with them believing what ever thing they want, but they had better damn well not stick it on me. I was talking about the dating in highschool part sovi.
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Posted: Sat Sep 09, 2006 5:07 pm
Oh...
Well, I am not expecting the relationship to workout in the first place, but can you blame me for wanting to be used to the opposite sex? Practice for when I actually would be in the situation for an actual relationship.
So of course with an outlook like that the relationship will not succeed.
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Posted: Sat Sep 09, 2006 5:24 pm
I'm just saying it could work if you gave it a chance, but it's admittedly a slim chance. It depends if you're scared of being hurt or not.
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