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 Posted: Thu Jul 20, 2006 5:30 pm
To make things clear. SmexyPanda or now Hunter Of Bishie is my mule account Fear me! And i will be posting more soon. 3nodding
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Posted: Sat Jul 22, 2006 9:33 am
This story has really caught my interest. I can hardly contain my enticement, and anticipation for the continuation of the story. Please, update/nextpage!
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Posted: Sat Jul 22, 2006 9:47 am
I am at this very moment heart
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Posted: Sat Jul 22, 2006 9:59 am
You made my heart skip a beat, lol. :]
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Posted: Sat Jul 22, 2006 10:27 am
I am actually making a cover art for it too. 3nodding
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Posted: Sat Jul 22, 2006 3:58 pm
An artist and a writer, I'm impressed.
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Posted: Wed Jul 26, 2006 3:29 pm
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Posted: Thu Jul 27, 2006 8:18 am
for the content:
really great.... definitely makes me wanna know how it goes on.
the characters are build up well and you describe each's way of thinking, their own little worlds very good!
you also built up suspense nicely, even if there wasn't actually happening anything yet
i definitely am looking forward to the next part!
for the form:
for i found small things... like that you tend to mix up "then" with "than", small typos, and in some cases i woudln't be sure about the commas.... sometimes the changes of tense felt strange, too, but i would have to look more closely for really being sure about that now...
but it's hard for a writer to notice all that alone, i know.
in the end:
for the form a beta reader can help... and it's nothing that really disturbs anyway because the content really is great!!!!! please update soon! XD
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Posted: Wed Aug 09, 2006 6:56 pm
OMG Updated Woot sorry it's not as long as the beginning. Gah Marching band sweatdrop
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Posted: Thu Aug 10, 2006 12:41 pm
YAY UPDATES!!! Yeah WOOOOO
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Posted: Sun Aug 13, 2006 7:23 am
I really like the story, your characters are interesting. Jess seems really hot. I hope you update it often, as I am curious about the development of the two characters. You built the plot really good, and flowing nicely. I was cought in it from the first few sentences. I also really like how the characters thoughts flow. It's kind of funny. As for the writing itself, there are quite a few gramar mistakes and punctuation. Also some of the sentences don't seem to make sense, as if there are words missing. You could proof read it, or get a beta as sugested before. Keep up the good work! biggrin
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Posted: Mon Aug 14, 2006 6:18 pm
Yaya I know Jessie is the best, and eventually he will have to put that to work on poor rich boy Kylie who is also hot but like blonde guys hot. They are everywhere so they like... are common hotness. But Jessie. Jessie has his own level. xd
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Posted: Wed Sep 06, 2006 7:07 pm
Hmmmmmmmmmmm... Intriguing. Do post soon-- you've piqued my interest. (Oh, and are you planning on posting the cover art you mentioned? I'd love to see it.)
((Oh, and one more thing: two different people don't speak in the same paragraph. It shouldn't do this, for example:
". . . Diaru froze and turned around to see his father leaning in the doorway with a cigarette in his mouth. His long, greasy black hair fell into his eyes and overshadowed his once-handsome features, but the bright red rings remained visible. 'So Ashuramaru just upped and left, huh?' Ryosuke asked his youngest son. 'Guess he was just scared of me. Wouldn’t be surprised, though. Everyone’s scared of me.'
‘I’m scared of me,’ he mentally added.
'Too bad,' he continued. 'I thought he was stronger than–' 'Shut up!' Diaru snarled. 'He’s not scared of you! He’s not scared of anything! And he’ll come back! I know it!'
Ryosuke gazed steadily at Diaru through long strands of hair, his face expressionless. Then a slight smirk crossed his face, but it was different from all of the smirks that Diaru had seen his father give: it was not in anyway sadistic, but… proud. It showed in his eyes, too. A look of fatherly pride glittered in his dark, broken eyes as he walked across the room to his son. In the single moment of affection Diaru would ever receive from his father, Ryosuke crouched down so they were at eye-level, placed his bony hand atop his son’s head, and whispered gently, 'Diaru, I know he’ll come back for you… he cares too much about you to leave you behind. It’s touching to see how much faith you have in him.' His expression saddened. 'But people aren’t as strong as you think…'. . ."
Diaru's interruption shouldn't be in the same paragraph as Ryosuke's words. See?))
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