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 Posted: Fri Sep 10, 2004 7:15 pm
He drew in a quick breath, and exhaled, smiling and blushing a deep red behind his skull ((which is hard, considering he -is- dark red...)). He stared decidedly down at his paws, too shy to look up at Essence...wait, what was this? Odd, being shy?
Usually charisma came easy to him. But now...his words got all choked up again, his tongue swelling in his mouth. He began, and stopped, and began, and stopped. It was so hard to talk...he just wanted to sit there with her, in silence, not ruin the moment.
He wanted to move things on, to make something more of it. He wanted to show her what she was really worth, dedicate his heart and soul to her and show how much he really cared for her. Before he had just had what seemed liked a silly crush. But now it seemed like more...He looked up at her for a moment, and then looked back down. Oh how he wanted...
...No. He really couldn't do it. So he leaned back, and murmured a small, "Thanks...You look great too," he said shyly. This was the first time he had seen her after she had grown. And...she was beautiful. Her coat shimmered with a vibrance and delight of many colors. It captured him, pulled him in. He could get lost in those swirling hues...But he shook his head inwardly.
Stoppit! No, he couldn't do it, not now! Keep your mouth shut, tell her she looks great, comfort her, but don't say it! Shut up and be a friend, and don't take advantage of this sad time! Thoughts raced through his mind; his head said no...his heart said yes. But his head won over, and he smiled gently ((*snorts* Like she could see it)).
"Essence, look...I know it's really hard right now...but promise me we'll stick together. I really...I couldn't bear it if I didn't get to see you anymore. Mum says we'll visit HQ every week..." he said, trailing off quietly. But it wasn't the same, and he may not be making it better. But he would be there. Always.
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Posted: Sat Sep 11, 2004 9:50 pm
He reached out, putting a paw gently on the cheek of her skull, turning her head slowly back so she was facing him. He smiled from beneath his skull, and shook his head.
"That wasn't a mistake, and I won't forget. No, Essence..." he paused, and took a deep breath. "I love you too. But it can't happen, not right now...not when things are so...hectic. You're just unhappy, and..." he trailed off. There was no way she felt the way he did. Truly, she was just confused by this time.
He picked up the little spoon, his eyes sparkling at the engraving, cherishing it, loving it. His tongue felt, once again, slowly. He tried to say his thanks, tell ehr how much he loved her...but...
"I don't want to take advantage of you," he blurted quickly, before he choked his words again. He felt tears welling up in his own eyes. "I know this is rough...and I love you, I truly do...but..." he fumbled, the words coming slowly and scraping his mouth like tin. How he wished to easily say "I love you too, Essence. I want to be together with you forever."
But...he could never do that to her. He took the spoon in his paws, turned it over and over again, reading the inscription what seemed like millions of times. He looked up at her again.
"I won't forget, Essence, because I love you too. We are not a mistake. I just don't want to take advantage of you..." he said, staring down at the spoon, with some fright. His stomach fluttered with butterflies, his heart beated in his ears, his body shook. He was out of words.
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Posted: Thu Sep 16, 2004 6:50 pm
Odd blinked, holding back the tears that were now once again rising in his eyes. This feeling couldn't be genuine...she was scared, confused, and he was her only friend, as was the same with him; how could this feeling be real if it was put on by depression? By sorrow? How could something like this last through a time of joy if it was created in a time of sadness? How could something like this work?
And there was always that burning thought in the back of his head...what if he lost her? Forever? What would Odd live for? Nothing...there would be nothing if he lost her. He was afraid...he had known her all his life, and...she meant too much to him to have even the slightest risk of doing this. He couldn't do it...he couldn't risk what they had.
"I want so bad to tell you that I love you, and that we'll be together forever..." he said, whispering through the tears...but the impact of those words was as though he had shouted them. His vision swam in the tears that had now welled up in his eyes. "I want to...but I can't," he sobbed, his voice small and staggered. "I can't do it, Essence...It's only because this is a bad time, and I'm a shoulder to cry on...we're both confused, and if this doesn't work..." he stopped, his head throbbing at the thought. He now cried freely, rivers making small trails down his cheeks, under his skull. His heart pounded in his ears, his heart screamed, 'No! NO! You LOVE her!'
But his head said otherwise. And for once, he listened to his head.
"If I lost you...I'd kill myself, Essence...there'd be nothing to live for..." he said, almost inaudibly between his sobs. His whole body felt cold, numb, as if he weren't there, but watching from a distance. "I can't take that chance..." he said, louder this time. He covered his skull with his paw, the tears soaking through his fur into his icy palms...Was it the right thing to do? Was it the right decision?
...He didn't know...
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Posted: Thu Sep 16, 2004 7:18 pm
"But what if things went wrong?" Odd said, regaining some strength in his voice with the same passion, flared up from inside his heart. "What if it didn't work out, if we broke up, huh? What then? We could never go back to being friends..." he paused, and sighed. "If I lost you, not in death, but simply if we broke up...I could never live with myself. Not having you in life wouldn't be living..." He wasn't angry, no, but scared. And fear often induced anger in his case.
"Essence...I'm not ready to take that chance. You might be ready, but...I'm not...I just can't risk our relationship. I have...nothing else. Don't you see? You're the only thing I live for. Losing you as a friend and seeing you at HQ...would break me in half. It'd be worse than you dying...it would mean that I had to see you every day, and never speak to you, never be with you, never tell you how much I love you...I can't go through with this if it means taking that risk..."
His eyes were stone, the tears having stopped. Odd meant every word he said. If they broke up...nothing would be worth anything anymore. Life would be filled with depression and sorrow, doubt of everything real, nothing there...Just an emptiness. People would try to console him, mum would try to be extra nice to him, but...Bird watching would be abandoned, journals burned, fascination with spoons long forgotten...It would be...empty. And he couldn't stand not being with Essence anymore.
"I can only love you as a friend," he whispered quietly, slowly, the words blistering his mouth. "If I could, in a second I'd take you in my arms and be with you...but I can't chance it. I can only love you as a friend..." he repeated.
"I have nothing more I can give."
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Posted: Thu Sep 16, 2004 7:43 pm
Odd watched after her with a swollen tongue, a throbbing head, and a slowing heart. His whole body felt like ice...his chest held a pain as if an arrow had lodged itself deep into it. He had done what he had feared to do...she was walking away. She would never forgive him. This couldn't be happening. No. No. No.
The mask had fallen away, and revealed what was inside; something so fragile, so breakable, it seemed almost impossible to be the true Odd. Such a being inside, with so much more depth than the mask. He collapsed dumbly, his face buried in the ground. "Coward," he mumbled angrily at himself, his voice now fierce with self hatred. "Idiot. Jerk. How could you make her feel that way? How could you!?" What would normally have been shouting was muffled by the ground. He gripped his skull with his now sweaty palms, shaking uncontrollably.
"You stupid b*****d, why did you do that to her?!" he shouted again and again, squeezing his eyes shut. His head answered his questions in the same manner he had answered Essences; what if things went wrong? He could lose their friendship forever. But there was a new sentence that he kept repeating in his head...
You lost her. You lost her. You lost her...
Over and over and over again it repeated, resounding off the walls of his mind. He covered his ears, his breathing harsh. What if it had worked? What if it was everything he had ever dreamed of? He had ruined it.
You lost her. You lost her. You lost her...
"Shut up," he murmured to himself, almost insanely. And insane he did look, as Essence walked away. Collapsed on the ground, face down in the floor and muttering at himself, tears leaking out of his eyes.
You lost her. You lost her. You lost her...
It grew louder. "Shut up," he said again, louder. His body was shivering again. It kept repeating. He rolled onto his back and covered his face with his paws, sobbing.
You lost her. You lost her. You lost her...
"...I lost her..."
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Posted: Thu Sep 16, 2004 8:03 pm
((Why do the posts not show up? stressed ))
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