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 Posted: Fri Mar 18, 2005 10:46 pm
Miraclewhip Ninja Streaker Three little pigs walk into a bar and drink until 3am. then the first two pigs spend the rest of the night in the bathroom but the third pig goes home. when the third pig came back the next day the bartender asked why werent you in the bathroom with the other two little pigs? and the third little pig says "well im the pig that goes wee wee wee all the wya home!" xd lmao xd well im glad someone thinks my jokes are funny ^_^
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Posted: Fri Mar 18, 2005 10:52 pm
3 guys are driving on the highway and their car breaks down.
They're in front of a farm. They go ask for help.
The old man of the farm says "You can stay the night! But if I catch any one of you sleepin with my daughter, I'll blow your head off!"
So each of the guys foolishly sleeps with his daughter ane the old man catches them.
"Okay, i'll give ya one last chance before I blow your heads off! Go pick 100 of your favourite fruit!"
The first guy picks 100 apples and comes back
"Now shove every one of'em up your a** without flinchin at all!"
The guy got up to 67 and fell over in pain. The old man blew his head off.
The second guy saw what happened and started picking grapes.
He got back and started shoving them up his a**...
96...97...And then he burst out laughing.
The old man says "You were so close! Why did you start laughing?"
So the guy responds "The other guy is pickin Watermelons" xd
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Posted: Fri Mar 18, 2005 10:55 pm
Miraclewhip 3 guys are driving on the highway and their car breaks down. They're in front of a farm. They go ask for help. The old man of the farm says "You can stay the night! But if I catch any one of you sleepin with my daughter, I'll blow your head off!" So each of the guys foolishly sleeps with his daughter ane the old man catches them. "Okay, i'll give ya one last chance before I blow your heads off! Go pick 100 of your favourite fruit!" The first guy picks 100 apples and comes back "Now shove every one of'em up your a** without flinchin at all!" The guy got up to 67 and fell over in pain. The old man blew his head off. The second guy saw what happened and started picking grapes. He got back and started shoving them up his a**... 96...97...And then he burst out laughing. The old man says "You were so close! Why did you start laughing?" So the guy responds "The other guy is pickin Watermelons" xd lol thats a good one 3nodding
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Posted: Fri Mar 18, 2005 11:02 pm
What is black and white and red all over?
1. a newspaper
2. a nun falling down stairs
3. zeebra in a blender
4. a mime in a meat grinder
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Posted: Sat Mar 19, 2005 3:11 am
A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother, Have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?" The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again---but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs, he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?" The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
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Posted: Sat Mar 19, 2005 3:12 am
Creation Story
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the
Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red
vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and
Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"
And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some
sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that
Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and
sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.
So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented
Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side.
And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in
which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and
chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more
weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.
God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and
said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."
God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those
extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would
not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried
before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with
nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy
center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still
satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double
cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes!
And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into
cardiac arrest.
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Posted: Sat Mar 19, 2005 3:13 am
OK. this could be taken as a joke or not, not exactly sure...
The Truth about deh Toilets
My mother was a fanatic about public bathrooms. When I was a little girl, she'd take me into the stall, teach me to wad up toilet paper andwipe the seat.
Then, she'd carefully lay strips of toilet paper to cover the seat.
Finally, she'd instruct, "Never, NEVER sit on a public toilet seat. Then she'd demonstrate "The Stance," which consisted of balancing over the
toilet in a sitting position without actually letting any of your flesh make contact with the toilet seat.
By this time, I'd have wet down my leg and we'd have to go home to change my clothes.
That was a long time ago. Even now, in my more "mature years,"
"The Stance" is excruciatingly difficult to maintain, especially when one's bladder is full.
When you have to "go" in a public bathroom, you usually find a lineofwomen
that makes you think there's a half-price sale on Nelly's
underwear in there.
So, you wait and smile politely at all the other ladies, who are also crossing their legs and smiling politely.
You get closer and check for feet under the stall doors. Every one is occupied.
Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.
You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter.
The dispenser for the new fangled "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty.
You would hang your purse on the door hook if there were one
but there isn't -
so you carefully but quickly hang it around your neck (mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume
"The Stance."
Ahhhh relief. More relief.
But then your thighs begin to shake. You'd love to sit down but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold
"The Stance" as your thighs experience a quake that would register an eight on the Richter scale.
To take your mind off of your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser.
In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you would have tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!"
Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. That would have to do.
You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail. Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet.
dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle, and sliding down, directly onto the insidious toilet seat. You bolt up quickly; knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet
paper- not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly ashamed of you if she knew, because you're certain that her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toiletis so confused that it flushes, sending up a stream of water akin to a fountain that suddenly sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged off to China.
At that point, you give up - because you are soaked by the splashing water. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket, and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past a line of women, still waiting, cross-legged and, at this point, no longer able to smile politely. One kind soul at the very end of the line points out that you are trailing a piece of toilet paper on your shoe as long as the Mississippi River!
(Where was it when you NEEDED it??)
You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."
As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has since entered, used and exited the men's restroom and read a copy of War and Peace while waiting for you.
Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"
This is dedicated to women everywhere who have ever had to deal with a public restroom
(rest??? you've got to be kidding!!).
It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked question about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other woman can hold the door and hand you Kleenex under the door!
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Posted: Sat Mar 19, 2005 3:14 am
One Saturday morning a deer hunter gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the gun and goes to the
garage to warm up his truck and head down to his favorite hunting area.
He backs his truck out of the garage and discovers the rain is really pouring down. It is like a torrential downpour. There is also some
snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 MPH.
He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel.
He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so minutes later he puts his truck in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.
There he cuddles up to his wife' s back, now with a different anticipation,and whispers, "The weather out there is really terrible."
To which she sleepily replies,
"Can you believe my stupid a** Husband is out hunting in that s***?"
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Posted: Sat Mar 19, 2005 3:16 am
OK, this may not be liked for its...um...content. But I read it over and saw nothing that really stood out as 'bad'
'If I can catch you, I can have you'
A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks.
As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.
"Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself. But desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day/10 pound weight loss program.
The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old young lady dressed in nothing but Air Nike running shoes with a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!" Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business!" The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me." He's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. For the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20 lbs, as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years" The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,
"If I catch you, you're mine."
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Posted: Sat Mar 19, 2005 3:21 am
I like Monkeys
So, I was walking by the pet store one day, when I noticed they were having a sale on monkeys. one dollar a monkey. which I thought was kinda strange, because it's usually like..100 dollars a monkey. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth and bought 100 monkeys. Boy, was that ever a mistake, I didn't know what I was thinking. The first big problem I ran into was getting the monkeys home. I didn't have a car. I didn't want to walk them home one by one, and walking them home all at the same time didn't seem like such a good idea either. So I borrowed my friend's car.
So, I'm in a van, driving with one hunderd monkeys in the back. except George, he was sitting shotgun. Anyways, everything was going great. Except Jerry kept popping up behind me and covering my eyes. Yeah, the first few times it was cute, but after that, it just started getting annoying. Plus I almost crashed a few times. Some how I managed to get home.
I let the 100 monkeys lose into my apartment, and boy what a time it was. They were jumpin all over the place, climbing on the furniature. George was hanging from the ceiling fan, and got dizzy, jumped off onto the couch, and bounced over it right into the wall. it was pretty funny.
Anyways, the next day, I found out why they were so cheap. They all died. yup. all 100 of them. Dead. So now I had 100 dead monkeys. I had no idea what I was gonna do with them. At first, I figured I'd play it off like they were throw rugs. that worked for a while, but after three days, they started to decay. It didn't smell to good. So I get the idea of putting them in the freezer, y'know, to slow down the decomposition. that didn't work out very well. My freezer is kinda small, so there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time. I tried shifting them around every two hours, but that didn't leave me much time for important things... like working, and sleep.
Then I decided to try flushing one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. So now I had all these monkeys to deal with AND I couldn't use the bathroom. I needed to call a plumber.
Finally the most obvious solution came to me. I could just toss 'em in the dumpster. problem solved. or so I thought. A few hous later, the sanitation crew came to my apartment, and said that the public dumpster is not meant for dead animal carcasses. I told him I had a wet one in my toilet. he said he couldn't help me with that one either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.
Next, I tried burning them. y'know. turn them to ash. ashes are easier to dispose of. But, I forgot that most of my bedroom is flammable. I almost burned the whole place down. so now I had 1 wet monkey, 2 frozen monkeys, and 97 burnt monkeys. the smell was not getting any better.
I was at the end of my rope. I had no idea what I was going to do. Finally, it came to me. I started giving them out as christmas presents. Yeah, you shoulda seen the look on my friends' faces. They tried to play it off like they actually liked 'em, bUt I could tell they really didn't. Ungrateful bastards.
I guess the whole point of this story is... I love monkeys. Damn, I love monkeys.
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Posted: Sat Mar 19, 2005 3:25 am
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."
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Posted: Sat Mar 19, 2005 3:28 am
Grade Schoolers Tink Fast!
TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!
TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"
JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!
TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLIE: Me!
TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen..... Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."
TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
JOHNNY: "Because George still had the ax in his hand."
TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SAM: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
TEACHER: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
PUPIL: A teacher.
SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.
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Posted: Sat Mar 19, 2005 6:55 am
soadrocksk8er4life Grade Schoolers Tink Fast!
TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!
TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"
JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!
TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLIE: Me!
TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen..... Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."
TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
JOHNNY: "Because George still had the ax in his hand."
TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SAM: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
TEACHER: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
PUPIL: A teacher.
SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card. Daaaaaannnnggg....You have a lot of jokes there. whee
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Posted: Sat Mar 19, 2005 7:08 am
Good ones too as well. xd
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Posted: Sat Mar 19, 2005 9:40 am
Computer n00bs:
Customer: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
Customer: "I have a message on my screen that says: 'Disk Full'. What can that be?"
Tech Support: "Maybe your disk is full."
Customer: "Hmmm. OK."
Tech Support: "Ok, ma'am, I need you to do a ctrl-alt-del."
Customer: "How do I do that?"
Tech Support: "Push and hold 'ctrl' and 'alt' at the same time, and then hit 'delete'."
Customer: "Where are those?"
Tech Support: (explains the location of the keys)
Customer: "Nothing happened."
Tech Support: "Try again."
Customer: "Still nothing."
A minute or two later....
Customer: "Should I turn my computer on? Would that help?"
Tech Support: "Yeah, it might."
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