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 Posted: Sun Oct 26, 2025 8:22 am
“Oh–I don’t know,” Julian answered quickly. “I think–your answer was good, I liked that. I think it was much better than anything I could come up with.”
He answered too quickly, not because he hadn’t thought about it, but because he’d thought too much about it, and still found his answer lacking. He’d turned to look at Riker again, not just because he felt his eyes on him, but because an important answer like that deserved his full attention.
Julian was always looking for something. He looked deeply, but never intrusively. Now, his inquisitiveness was laced with something gentle, something understanding.
Maybe he understood. Or maybe he just wanted to.
Julian wasn’t always easy to read. But for now, under the slightly anxious shell–either a relic of his earlier guilt, or because they were skirting such a heavy subject–he seemed satisfied.
“I wish I had a better answer.” His words were heavy, but honest. Guilty, in the way he seemed to be when he thought he thought he wasn’t measuring up. He’d asked the question, after all–why shouldn’t he be expected to have an answer? It was an intrusive curiosity, anyway. He didn’t have anything to trade for Riker’s answer. “I’ll think about it some, though. I just–I hear it said a lot. I think it means different things to different people. I think…”
His brows knitted together, and despite his best efforts, his gaze slid off to the floor again, like if he could just look deeply enough he could bore through the floor and find the perfect answer there. When he continued, it was in a wistful, distant voice. “Well, I think I like what it means to you. I used to think it was–well,” he shook his head. “I don’t know. I didn’t think it was ever supposed to be easy, I guess. I mean–not for everyone. Some people are really good at it.”
And some people weren’t.
Something gross and clawing scraped against his insides, twisting sharply in his stomach. Julian grimaced, but even that was short-lived, and morphed into a quick, unhappy smile. He couldn’t quite relax his brows but if he had another few seconds he could train his face back into something more relaxed. It would have been easier if he and Riker weren’t facing each other, watching intently.
“Sorry, I think I have a stomachache.”
And it was love when it wasn’t easy, and when you wanted to be gentle, and when someone’s worst wasn’t enough to chase you away, and when you put their needs above your own, and because that was supposed to make you happy, and because it was important to breathe, and because you need to survive–
Oh. But it was when you could mess up without wanting to disappear. When you didn’t have to change. When you could just be you, whoever that was, and you could just be there. And you didn’t have to prove that you belonged there. When it felt safe to be there. Safe? When you weren’t afraid. But shouldn’t you be afraid? What if you messed up something so important?
Or–no, it was when you didn’t have to be afraid of that. But how did you just turn that off?
How were you supposed to tell how much was too much, where was the line? And what if you missed it, what if you crossed it, what if you ruined it–
Julian’s eyes crinkled slightly when he smiled but his brows stayed knitted together. “I might have eaten something bad earlier.” Briefly, his eyes darted to the drawer, to his medicine, but he didn’t get up.
“Do you want to lay down? I can help.” Someone had to turn the lights out, and he felt bad for making Riker sit up for so long already when he was hurt. “Do you need me to grab anything for you?”
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Posted: Sun Oct 26, 2025 8:22 am
Riker almost smiled again when Julian apologized, but there was something behind it that made his chest ache. And it had nothing to do with being used as a pincushion. He didn’t push. He’d learned that sometimes the kindest thing you could do for someone was to not make them explain what they weren’t ready to say.
“Hey,” he said softly. “You don’t have to have an answer,” he said, letting his hand rest against Julian’s shoulder again, just something warm and grounding.
“It’s not a test, you know? There’s no right version of it. I think it’s just something you start to recognize, one piece at a time. Usually when you’re not even looking for it. Honestly, I didn’t even know what to call the feeling until Evan put a word to it. It just… made sense after that. But I think you can feel it before you ever say it. Like when you can breathe easier around someone, or when you stop thinking about what you’re supposed to be and just… exist,” he said quietly, his thumb brushing lightly across Julian’s shoulder, hoping the simple motion would anchor rather than disrupt.
“That’s what it feels like to me, at least. You don’t have to say the word to know it’s there.”
He tilted his head slightly, catching Julian’s eyes before he could look away again. “You don’t have to be good at it. You just have to let yourself keep learning what it feels like.”
The offer to help made something tighten in his chest, but he smiled anyway, soft and genuine.
“You don’t have to grab me anything, Jules. Let’s just get everything ready for bed and rest with me for a little, okay? That’s enough.”
Then after a moment, quieter, “You make it easy to want to stay.”
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Posted: Sun Oct 26, 2025 8:22 am
At first, Julian only shrugged. It wasn’t dismissive, but it felt like a good placeholder while he collected his thoughts. He might have floated away with his thoughts, or let them settle like dust in his mind, if not for RIker’s hand on his shoulder.
When he smiled again, it was a little more genuine, but he still had too many thoughts, and even his smile wasn’t even convincing right now. He nodded just before raising his hands and rubbing his face. Gently. He wasn’t trying to scrub away his features–just get some blood circulating. Remind the muscles how to work. Maybe hide for a second, too.
“I want you to stay, Riker.”
That was an easy truth, at least. There was no hidden meaning behind it. He meant it in all its forms.
When he sat up straight and returned his hands to his lap, he needed only a second to compose himself. “I like hearing you talk about it. It’s nice. I have a few things to finish before bed–um, it’s not much,” he said, and very reluctantly stood up. “I’ll be fast,” he promised.
And, he was.
Julian had a bedtime ritual and he jumped into it very quickly. He stood, already regretting the distance between himself and Riker, and turned on the television. It was already set to low volume, already on a good channel. One thing done. He went to his drawer, where Riker had returned the medicine. He took out two bottles and poured out a few pills, swallowing them dry as he put the bottles away again. He moved fluidly, like this was a practiced performance, and he’d perfected it. If you weren’t looking closely enough, you’d miss him doing it at all.
He turned out the lights next, and then paced around the room briefly to check that everything was in place. Phone, by the bed. Water bottle, by the bed. What else did he need?
–Oh, just to make sure Riker was comfortable.
Back by the bedside, he peeled back the blanket back so Riker could get under it. Julian always slept between Riker and the wall but he wasn’t going to get in bed until he knew Riker was situated.
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Posted: Sun Oct 26, 2025 8:26 am
“You don’t have to rush,” Riker said softly, although he knew Julian would anyway. He saw no need to stop the quiet ritual Julian had crafted for himself. Anything for him to feel at ease in his own room. After all, it wasn’t just a ritual at this point. It was how Julian kept the world from fraying like old cloth.
Riker watched him move, each small and deliberate action, as if doing each thing perfectly in the right order meant everything else would remain carefully pieced together.
He never interrupted him, only quietly waited and stayed out of the way.
By the time Julian came back, Riker had shifted just enough to be further on the edge of the bed. He let Julian pull the blanket down, but didn’t move right away. His body ached, but he didn’t want to make it about that. Not when Julian was already hovering like he was afraid to break something.
“Hey,” Riker said softly, catching the hem of Julian’s shirt before he could retreat again. The touch was light -- more like a question than trying to keep him restrained.
“You’ve done enough. Come here,” he requested as he finally eased back onto the mattress. He held his breath as he moved, like it was practiced. Experience let him know when to pause to take a breath and when to move a little more. Once he was settled, he looked up at Julian again with a small grin tugging at the corner of his mouth.
“See? Not falling apart. You did good.”
When Julian finally lay down, Riker shifted just enough to let the blanket fall over both of them. He let his hand rest between them for a few moments, not quite touching, just… there… before sliding it closer until his fingers brushed against Julian’s wrist.
“Thanks,” he hummed quietly. But it felt heavier than it probably should have. “For taking care of me.” He paused, then added in almost a whisper, “You don’t always have to be the one holding everything together, you know. You can let go for a bit. I’ll still be here when you wake up.”
He smiled again, and although it was faint and tired, it was genuine.
“That’s the whole point, right? You don’t have to ask for it. You just… stay.”
He didn’t say the word love, but it was there anyway. Gently folded into the stillness that settled around them.
“Get some sleep, Jules,” he mumbled with a quiet yawn. “I’ll be right here.”
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Posted: Sun Oct 26, 2025 8:27 am
Julian had nights where he either settled immediately in the bed, nearly corpselike in his stillness. He had nights where he tossed and turned, like he couldn’t figure the exact angle his body needed to be in to shut down for the night.
Tonight, he’d been something in-between.
He’d moved, but like a human. Settled, like a living, breathing thing. There was a softness in the way he shifted. Maybe it was for Riker’s sake–more gentle, just to make sure he didn’t wind up jostled or hurting.
Or, maybe Riker had just shaken something loose.
When they were laying there, shoulder to shoulder, he turned his head.
“I know,” he said. It wasn’t confident, but it was certain.
He watched Riker, not in observation, but contemplation. Riker’s eyes were already closed but his face was relaxed.
A moment passed. Whatever Julian was looking for, he found. He relaxed, too.
And then, he smiled, and pressed his wrist to Riker’s before easing back into his pillow.
“Good night, Riker. I’ll see you in the morning.”
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