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 Posted: Sat Mar 08, 2025 5:22 pm
Cassidy glanced at Riker as he spoke, thinking it would be too easy to miss one of his secret tells. He didn’t watch closely as he pulled out a pair of pajamas from his dresser. A pair of flannel pants and a matching t-shirt were good enough. He grabbed a pair of socks without looking because by then he was already shuffling towards the bed. He sank down into the mattress right next to Riker.
He ‘didn’t want to be alone’ might not have meant ‘I want you to sit right next to me’ but to Cassidy it was all the same.
He placed the clothes in his lap, smoothed them out, and then reached his hand over to take Riker’s, even if he felt like he had to pry his fingers out of his leg. “Give me your other hand, too. You want a pillow to scream into? That’s what I do.”
Well, that’s what he’d admit to doing but this wasn't about him.
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Posted: Sat Mar 08, 2025 5:22 pm
While he hadn’t meant for Cassidy to sit right next to him, he wasn’t going to complain. He reluctantly allowed him to pull his hand away to hold, but shifted so he could give Cassidy his other hand as well.
He eyed him skeptically, and maybe took a little too long to glance at the open part of his robe where his torso was exposed. Along with the scars from his accident.
“And get your dad to come and check on you? No thanks,” he grimaced, not thinking any kind of loud noises were a good idea at the moment.
Notably, there was no damage to Riker’s hands. At least not where there would be signs of using force. His knuckles weren’t bruised, although they had various scratches in various states of healing or just faint scars, but nothing that aligned with injuries that were self-inflicted. From throwing punches or otherwise.
The rest of his hands and arms weren’t in that great of shape, but there was a reason why Riker always insisted on wearing long sleeves and long pants, even in the sweltering heat of summer.
He was ashamed and embarrassed, and he didn’t want anyone to think even more poorly of him than they might already.
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Posted: Sat Mar 08, 2025 5:27 pm
Cassidy hummed a little laugh at Riker’s snark but his eyes never lifted from Riker’s hands. If it was a fight, he hadn’t defended himself. Cassidy wasn’t surprised.
“Oh, he’s probably got his headphones in,” Cassidy mused. He felt Riker’s eyes on him but he didn’t move or try to cover himself. What was the point? He’d showed off his scars already. Riker could look all he wanted.
Maybe he’d be less self conscious of his own scars.
Riker’s hands had both been offered to him so he didn’t waste the opportunity to examine them. He almost brushed his thumb over one of the bruises peeking out beneath Riker’s sleeve but stopped himself just before he made contact.
“Are you going to take off your shirt so I can see the rest of them?”
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Posted: Sat Mar 08, 2025 5:29 pm
The question made him tense, but he didn’t pull his hands away. In all the years Cassidy had known him, it had been very rare for him to change in the locker room before games. He usually already had clothes on, or hid away in a stall. People didn’t usually like him, so they didn’t seem to care that he made himself scarce. Usually when he did change in front of anyone, it was when the bruises weren’t so bad.
But it had been many years since then. And many years of self loathing building on top of itself. What else was he supposed to think when his own family hated him? And for what? Being born?
Yet here he was, wallowing over being abandoned, and yet hadn’t he abandoned Cassidy when he’d been hurt? Even if he was ashamed, if Cassidy wanted to think less of him, then that was what he deserved.
So he slowly pulled his hands away and shrugged off the blanket. He hesitated only a moment longer before tugging his arms out of the sleeves first, and then hissing as he peeled part of the fabric away from where it had been stuck to his skin.
There were countless scars and bruises over his torso and arms. Some old, some new. The wound he’d hissed in pain about was still weeping blood. A relatively shallow but wide scrape across his hip. But Riker was just so used to it all that it was easy to ignore.
“I didn’t do that,” he said quickly of the scar that went from his wrist to his elbow before Cassidy could assume anything. Amarynthos and Ephesus had done a wonderful job at patching him up. And he supposed he owed the Code for sending them to him and saving his life.
Another notable scar was the one from where he’d been stabbed before Halloween. Thankfully, it had healed pretty well.
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Posted: Sat Mar 08, 2025 5:34 pm
While Riker moved, Cassidy stayed still. He wanted Riker’s hands back in his own but it was his own fault that he’d lost them. He sat with his usual expression, perpetually fixed in lazy amusement. Except, he wasn’t smiling. At some point, he’d started to grit his teeth.
So few muscles moved on his face, but he didn’t take any pleasure in seeing Riker like this.
“So…were you just going to sit here and bleed out? Was I going to wake up with you passed out or, what–dead?–tomorrow morning? Don’t do that.” He gestured vaguely to Riker and then placed the clothes on the bed next to him so he could get up. For a split second, he looked like he wasn’t sure where to go or what to do, but he shook his head and went to the drawer by his bedside. He pulled out a first aid kit and set it on the bed. It was heavy enough that it sank into the mattress.
Cassidy knew what he was looking for and he found them immediately. He was already opening a little square package that read ‘Antiseptic Wound Wipe’. “I shouldn’t have told you take off your shirt, I know how cold you are. Are you bleeding anywhere else? I’ve got a very gentle touch if you don’t move so sit still so I can take care of this. And tell me what happened. Or tell me you don’t want me to know. But don’t lie to me.”
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Posted: Sat Mar 08, 2025 5:55 pm
Again, Riker clamped his mouth shut. Cassidy certainly didn’t hold back on what he was thinking. It made him feel guilty knowing he was a disappointment.
“I wouldn’t have bled out,” he insisted, determined to hold still while Cassidy helped him out with his wound. He did his best not to shiver, but he couldn’t really stop himself without his shirt or blanket.
“I’ve had worse and didn’t bleed out,” he stupidly decided to share, seeming to realize that probably wasn’t something Cassidy would be relieved to know. Unable to look Cassidy in the eye, he shrugged. “I don’t think so.”
Bruises? Sure. He had plenty of those everywhere. Bleeding? He was probably only bleeding in that one spot. Currently.
He didn’t know if he wanted to tell Cassidy. He knew he should just tell him he didn’t want to talk about it. But then he remembered how terrified Cassidy must have been in that car.
“Mom gets mad. And she doesn’t control herself very well when she’s drunk,” he mumbled. And then hissed at the touch of antiseptic against his wound. “I’m used to it. I can usually calm her down. She just needs to take out her anger, that’s all.”
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Posted: Sat Mar 08, 2025 6:05 pm
“Riker,” Cassidy said, and paused to bite down on his lip, hard. Blood flecked the corner of his lips well before he tasted it. He licked it away because that was probably the least obvious way to get rid of it.
His touch remained gentle even when he decided to speak again. “That is so stupid of you.”
Riker tensed at his words, Cassidy felt the way his muscles stiffened, but he kept working and continued, “******** her, nobody likes her. She’s a mean old b***h. She’s awful and I hate her. And maybe you won’t say those things but they’re true.” He discarded one wipe to the floor but before he reached for another, he moved to the other side of the bed to fetch his heated blanket. He draped it over one of Riker’s shoulders but made sure it didn’t get in the way. When the blanket was in place, Cassidy opened a second pack and continued to clean up his side.
“The first time she hit you, you should have booked it. You’re supposed to tell someone, not let her take her anger out on you. You’re not supposed to just deal with it.”
He had so many bruises, so many scars. How many were from her? Sure, maybe some were from sports. Some were from the fights he picked. Maybe some were even from the monsters out in Destiny City.
But he blamed Riker’s mom for all of them.
“You’re more important than that, Riker. I don’t want to see you hurt. And she shouldn’t either. How do you talk such a big game and then let her do this to you? She doesn’t deserve you.”
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Posted: Sat Mar 08, 2025 6:23 pm
“I told you I feel like an idiot!” Riker choked out. He tried sitting still, he really did, but there were too many emotions flaring for him to just let Cassidy do whatever.
Cassidy wasn’t wrong. He wasn’t out of line. But how was Riker just supposed to forget a lifetime of conditioning?
So he pushed himself off the bed, away from the warmth of the heated blanket, away from Cassidy’s undeservingly gentle touch.
Not that there was anywhere for Riker to go. He paced awkwardly from one side of Cassidy’s room before turning to go to the otherside, his arms crossed stupidly over his chest as he shivered.
“Yeah? Well, where is a five-year-old supposed to go? Or do? Who was I supposed to tell? I wasn’t even in school yet--”
The last part was the only truth he knew for certain. As for the first time? He didn’t know. It felt as though it was his whole life. It was normal for him. And he was too ashamed to do much about it, especially now when he was bigger and stronger.
Cassidy said he was important. He didn’t feel important. He felt like a burden and waste of resources. It was what he’d always been told. He knew it was wrong. He knew his friends really cared about him, and that Cassidy could have easily told him to go home instead of letting him inside. Maybe he’d tell him to leave now.
“No one believed me, anyway. If I said anything, it was ‘boys will be boys,’ or how I got a little wild while playing. And then I’d really get it for opening my mouth, so I stopped saying anything and hid everything so no one would ask. The only reason I wasn’t killed by some stupid ******** allergy is because it was at school and they called an ambulance and a teacher had an epipen on them. But before that it was just normal for me to be itchy and uncomfortable because of course mom likes coconut scented everything. And then I’m only useful because I got her a paycheck every month.”
He knew he was rambling, and pacing awkwardly, and shivering stupidly, and ruining all of Cassidy’s work on his side. But he was afraid if he stayed still, he wouldn’t be able to stop himself from crying, and that was even more embarrassing.
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Posted: Sat Mar 08, 2025 6:30 pm
For a moment, Cassidy let him pace. He let him work out his stress and try to sort through his emotions. He stood by the side of the bed and waited for Riker to calm down, or realize he was cold, or hurting.
When Riker didn’t even seem to realize the fresh blood blooming on his side, Cassidy decided he had to intervene.
“Okay, I get it! But come sit back down, Riker! Get back under this blanket and let me finish taking care of you. Look, you’re bleeding again. No, don’t look, just come sit down and let me get it bandaged up before you freeze. You can tell me about how shitty your mom is but do it here.”
He patted the bed insistently, but he didn’t let his guard down. He wasn’t sure if Riker wouldn’t try to run off so he had to be ready to chase after him.
“You should have said something to someone earlier, though. Coach would have done something. The Reids would have done something! I would have done something.” He tried not to sound too frustrated, tried not to stomp his foot in childish exasperation.
Everybody suspected it, didn’t they? But Riker was so stubborn! Nobody liked his mother! She was always acting out. Of course she’d be an actual, total piece of s**t! Cassidy felt no satisfaction in knowing; he’d have much rather been wrong than know his friend had been some punching bag she wasn’t even trying to take care of.
“Just–let me do something now, okay? Sit down. You’re safe here. Let me take care of you. Please.”
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Posted: Sat Mar 08, 2025 7:10 pm
Every fiber of his being begged him to listen to Cassidy. To let him take care of him. To be his friend and someone he could trust and depend on. He wanted to put his head on Cassidy’s shoulder and cry, because he knew that Cassidy wouldn’t judge him for that. He knew Cassidy was sincere when he said he was safe.
It was as though something that lingered and festered in his memories physically held him back. Stupid. Useless. Pathetic.
“Of course they would have done something,” he agreed, his voice cracking as he tried to catch his breath. His heart was racing as he continued to pace. But more than just walking back and forth, it seemed as though he was trying to hide as he awkwardly stepped from one side of the room to the other, as though seeking out the farthest place from Cassidy. A cornered, injured animal with nothing to lose, but was desperate to survive for whatever reason.
“Of course they would have tried to help. And you know what would happen? CPS would be called. There would be an investigation. Mom would sweet talk her way out of it. Prove that I’m hurting myself when questioned. And then, when nothing comes up conclusive, do you think she’d decide to change her ways?”
Something in the way he spoke suggested the scenario he offered was not hypothetical.
He felt like he couldn’t breathe. It didn’t help that he knew Cassidy must think he was crazy. He heard him say something about bleeding, but it was fine. If he was hurting then maybe it would atone for a little bit of whatever he did. Like how he hurt people he didn’t realize he would care deeply about. Or abandon teammates who would have never abandoned him if he was in the same situation.
His eyes felt hot, but he couldn’t even think about it. At least not beyond trying to figure out a means of escape. If anything, he didn’t want Cassidy to have to deal with him being like this.
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Posted: Sat Mar 08, 2025 7:17 pm
Riker wasn’t listening. Maybe he had been but he wasn’t now. Something had changed in his expression, like he wasn’t even totally there.
What was that, was he zoning out? No, he was being too animated. Was it a panic attack?
Cassidy wanted to yell at him for that too but he was smart enough to recognize that it was only because he was starting to panic. Okay–yes, Riker had some good points. Obviously this was a sensitive topic. Cassidy was mad at his mother, not at Riker.
Well, a little mad at Riker, who was still hurting himself and that was stressing Cassidy out, but that wasn’t anything they couldn’t fix. If he would just sit still and stop moving.
Riker wouldn’t go out through the window, he knew there were too many shrubs out there. The door was still an option, but it was locked. That might buy him a second.
No–what? Riker wasn’t going to run. Cassidy moved in front of the door just in case. If Riker wanted to get around him, he’d have to go over the bed, but that would be an awkward climb. Cassidy could cut him off before he could leave.
“Riker,” he tried again, this time with no bite. It hadn’t escaped him that Riker had retreated to the furthest corner away from him. Maybe Julian would have handled this better. Maybe he’d have started crying by now. Maybe that would have shaken Riker out of this panic.
Cassidy wondered if he should try.
“I’m sorry.”
He wasn’t sure if he was. He still couldn’t imagine that alcoholic b***h composing herself well enough to pull the wool over everyone’s eyes.
“Please stop,” he said, trying to sound as calm and diplomatic as Elliot would have said it. It felt wrong coming from his lips. “You’re bleeding again. And I’m worried about you. You don’t have to sit down, but can I please come hug you at least? I need you to stop running all over the place.”
Before he ‘ran into’ something and gave himself another bruise.
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Posted: Sat Mar 08, 2025 7:21 pm
He was shivering, but he didn’t know what to do. What he wanted to do and what his body physically did were completely separate. He wanted to calm down, to pull the heated blanket around both of them, to apologize for being crazy, to promise that he was okay while letting Cassidy tend to him like he’d asked.
But he couldn’t breathe. He felt like he was gasping for air and he once again absently dug his fingers into his thigh, nails ripping at the fabric of his worn jeans as though he could pull them apart thread by thread.
Please stop, Cassidy had asked. He was worried about him. He was apologizing. For what? He didn’t say anything wrong. He didn’t do anything except offer Riker kindness that he wasn’t used to. More now than he’d ever received before, and even after a year, almost two, he still didn’t always know what to do with the kindness that he actually recognized as kindness, rather than kindness he thought was really just cruelty and mocking.
Riker could see how Cassidy had placed himself in the path to the door. He didn’t really want to leave. He’d been truthful when he said he didn’t want to be alone. But he knew it was difficult to deal with him when he was like this.
He took another step back, but this time it was just so he could lean with his back against the wall, as though to ground himself and force himself to stop moving. He had his face in his hands then, embarrassed and ashamed and still trying to breathe, but not denying Cassidy’s request.
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Posted: Sat Mar 08, 2025 7:35 pm
No, he was doing that thing with his hands again! Riker!
He wasn’t trying to run away though, and Cassidy wasn’t the sort to miss an opening. He wasn’t going to drag his feet when Riker was giving him a shot. He’d seen what Riker was doing to his legs so of course he now that his hands were on his face he was worried he was going to accidentally gouge out his eyes or something.
There wasn’t much space between them, and then there wasn’t any.
Cassidy wrapped his arms around Riker before he could change his mind, and it didn’t matter if his shoulder had locked up, he wasn’t planning on breaking the embrace any time soon. He was more careful now than before because he knew Riker was hurt. The wall was cold so he wanted to get him away from it and he hoped the warmth of a hug would lure him away.
“Thank you, Riker,” he said, trying not to outright sigh in relief. “It’s okay to freak out if you need to. I can still get you that pillow if you change your mind about screaming. You don’t have to say anything, we can just stand here for as long as you want.” Now that he had Riker in his arms he was less worried about him getting too energetic or hurting himself, or freezing to death.
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Posted: Sat Mar 08, 2025 7:36 pm
He let Cassidy embrace him, but Riker was stiff. Desperately building up walls to protect himself, even though he knew he didn’t have to do that with Cassidy. He didn’t have to do that with any of his friends, but this was what he’d been conditioned to do for so long that he couldn’t help it.
He was pliable, though. Cassidy wanted to coax him away from the wall, so Riker took a step away from it with him. He still had his hands covering his face as he pressed it against Cassidy’s shoulder. His good one! He was still conscious of what he was doing, even if it was difficult to get his body to actually do it.
“I’m so stupid,” he groaned, his voice thick with emotions that he was barely keeping at bay. “I had such a good day. I thought maybe I’d get lucky or--” he let out a miserable sob.
It had been the best day he’d had in a long time. Maybe ever. He’d clearly been so elated that he deluded himself into thinking that his mom would actually be happy to see him. Fantasies of being given a cake and presents. Or even a hug.
“I’m sorry,” he whimpered, feeling even more embarrassed that he couldn’t even look cool in front of Cassidy. Not that he thought he was cool, but he was trying not to be such a loser.
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Posted: Sat Mar 08, 2025 7:47 pm
Cassidy felt bad about saying it was stupid of him. It was true! But he felt bad about it. A part of him panicked. He felt ice in his blood and it wasn’t because it was cold. Guilt prickled at him, and his stomach was twisting in knots. He’d expected Riker to hit something, or scream, or insult him and lash out, or–
It was okay that he was crying. Really!
“When I said you were being stupid it wasn’t because of that, Riker,” he muttered. He was taking slow steps backwards to guide him from the wall but he never moved away from him. “...I don’t think what you just said is stupid. So don’t say sorry. I wanted you to have a good day. We were all really excited to get to spend it with you. And I’m glad we got to, I wouldn’t change a second of it. I wish I’d convinced you to just come back home with me instead of letting you go home to her. She’s never been good to you.”
She’d never been good to anyone he’d known.
“Don’t let her ruin today, Riker. It’s not her day. It’s yours. You’re not stupid, she is.”
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