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 Posted: Sat Oct 12, 2024 8:17 pm
A part of Énna didn’t want to accept the hug because he hated feeling so pathetic. Logically, he knew Atticus wouldn’t have done it if he didn’t want to, but Énna couldn’t convince himself that he deserved it either. He was being stupid, and he hadn’t been all that welcoming, and he thought awful things about his friends sometimes. He liked them but he didn’t always trust them, even if they never actually gave him a reason to doubt them.
Énna shook his head but didn’t pull away. Atticus shouldn’t have to apologize. He only ever did what he thought was best. Even if Énna still thought Atticus should’ve told him about Reims, he knew Atticus hadn’t kept it secret for the wrong reasons. Atticus hadn’t been trying to hurt or humiliate him.
But he was hurt. He was humiliated. No matter what Atticus said or did to comfort him, Énna still felt stupid. He wanted to crawl into a hole somewhere and die.
Which was over-dramatic and made him feel even more stupid. The guilt made it so much worse.
Énna clamped his mouth shut and breathed deeply. A few tears slipped free, but he managed to control the rest. Swallowing several times ended up loosening his throat. He was still equal parts tense and shaky, but he didn’t think he’d fall apart. He didn’t want to. He didn’t deserve to.
“Sorry,” he said. He sniffled once and pulled away, eyes still a bit wet over a stubborn frown. “We don’t have to talk about it. I told him I had to think, so… that’s what I’ve been doing. And… I’ll figure it out. I just can’t do it right away.”
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Posted: Sat Oct 12, 2024 8:17 pm
“That’s very noble of you,” Atticus frowned sadly in return as Énna pulled away. He stayed close, his hand hovering to try and maybe rub Énna’s back, or place on his arm, or anything that would show him that he was physically there.
“I don’t know if he deserves that grace, but if he is serious about making things right, then I’m sure it brought him some relief.”
Not that Atticus knew for sure. He didn’t know how Riker worked. Elliot was closer to him, and seemed to know him better. If Atticus was being honest, he still felt weird around Riker. But not Reims. So he could understand why Énna was frustrated with liking Reims but being mad at Riker.
“You should take all the time you need to figure things out. I’m always here if you want to talk. We don’t have to talk now, but if you do…”
Atticus thought he’d done a very good job of not crying the whole time Énna was struggling. Did he feel like crying? Absolutely. But Énna was the one suffering the most, and tears from him would just make things worse, probably. He would cry later when he was at home.
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Posted: Sat Oct 12, 2024 8:17 pm
Énna wiped the rest of the tears off on his sleeve. He hadn’t cried too much, or for very long; maybe he’d managed to stop his face from getting too splotchy.
He tried to smile appreciatively, but it wobbled out of place within seconds. He didn’t want to talk. Or maybe it was that he didn’t know how. If he could barely even get his thoughts in order, how was he supposed to articulate them? He might end up saying something wrong. He might end up doing something he’d regret. He didn’t want to make Atticus feel worse. He didn’t want to make Reims feel worse either, even if a part of him wanted to punch Riker in the face.
Maybe he should have. Maybe he would have been able to get over it faster if he did.
Énna sniffled one more time, then picked up his discarded donut to take another bite—if only to prove that he could function even if he wasn’t alright.
“Thank you,” he said. He still wasn’t able to make eye contact, but he didn’t move away. “For checking on me. I’m sorry I’m so—”
Énna stopped himself. He swallowed down another wave of emotion.
“Um… did you maybe want… I mean, I should probably fix my nails. Would you like to play around with some of it?”
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Posted: Sat Oct 12, 2024 8:18 pm
Atticus understood. He’d been there. He’d gotten to points where he couldn’t stop crying, and every thought in his head was negative, especially about himself. How Elliot would eventually realize he wasn’t worth keeping as a boyfriend, or how he would get tired of him being so emotional. Or how he was a burden on his parents, who didn’t even have kids until they adopted him.
His own smile wibbled a bit, but thankfully Énna wasn’t really looking directly at him, so maybe it went unnoticed. Atticus wanted to hug him again, but when Énna offered to play with some of his nail polish, he felt himself swell up.
“Thank you. I would really like that,” he said as calmly as possible, wanting to keep everything soothing for Énna as possible. He knew it sucked, and Riker made so much trouble for everyone with what he’d done. But maybe he really had changed his ways and would make up for it.
FIN
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