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 Posted: Sat Oct 12, 2024 8:03 pm
The color returned to Yvoire’s cheeks.
He didn’t think he was clever, or smart. He didn’t think he was resourceful. He didn’t know how to be a good friend because no one had been a good friend to him until he became Yvoire and met the others. Now he had to learn how to be those things, but it was a slow process, full of guilt and unease and uncertainty. He always felt small and stupid and useless. He felt like a burden, kept around because the others were too nice to ditch him.
Then confusion set in. His brows furrowed. He opened his mouth to ask what Reims was talking about but couldn’t manage to get any words out before Reims was powering down.
Yvoire stiffened. Reims had already taken his hand away, but Yvoire’s still sat on the table where he left it. Yvoire snatched it back, fingers curling into the palm. His eyes widened, then glistened, then narrowed. His frown trembled. He looked at Reims as if he’d been betrayed.
Riker. He looked at Riker.
He’d known, of course, that there was a chance he and Reims knew one another. Some of the things Reims said and the way he acted, his familiarity with some of the others, it all seemed to point to the possibility that they knew him, and since Yvoire went to school with some of them he’d assumed he could be passing Reims in the halls without knowing it. He hadn’t let himself think about it much because Reims had always been so careful with his identity. After Ganymede had impressed upon him the importance of staying safe, Yvoire couldn’t blame Reims for actually doing so.
Now he knew.
He wished he didn’t.
“Did you know?” he said, voice barely higher than a whisper, thick with emotion. “When you made fun of me at school, did you already know who I was?”
Yvoire tried to think back, tried to piece together a timeline, tried to sort out when he’d met Reims versus when he’d learned to keep his distance from Riker, but he found that he couldn’t really think at all.
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Posted: Sat Oct 12, 2024 8:04 pm
“No!” Riker was quick to answer, shaking his head adamantly. “I had no idea who you were, I swear. The first time you met with the rest of us and you couldn’t power up. That’s when I found out. That was only earlier this year.”
In March or something. He remembered the general time because it was still cold. He’d been an a** to Énna at the beginning of that school year, but since Énna mostly avoided him, he didn’t get much chance to have multiple offenses. Thank goodness. He’d even tried apologizing during last year’s fair, right after the incident with his locker! But that didn’t really go as he would have liked.
“I’m not like that any more. Honest. I told you it’s easier to be myself when I don’t have to worry about things getting back to my brother. I was miserable and desperate and thought if I was a jerk like him, then maybe he’d respect me. Or at least not want to lace my pillowcase with coconut!”
He was desperate now. He knew he messed up. He knew Énna had every right to hate him, to be furious at him, to not want anything to do with him.
“I was stupid and wrong and regret what I did,” he said, resigned that he might have ruined everything now that Yvoire knew. But hadn’t he already ruined things by treating Énna poorly? “You deserved to know… I know it wasn’t fair that I was keeping that from you.”
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Posted: Sat Oct 12, 2024 8:05 pm
Yvoire inched a little further away on the bench. He stayed powered up because at least that way he was stronger, even if he still felt small and stupid and useless.
He wanted to believe Reims, but it was hard to believe Riker. Knowing they were the same person didn’t make it any easier to reconcile. Riker could be lying to him. He’d lied by omission already, hadn’t he? Maybe he was fudging the timeline, trying to trick Énna so he could… what? Make fun of him again? Riker had tried to apologize but Énna hadn’t wanted to hear it. He still didn’t want to hear it. The excuses were… Well, the excuses had seemed reasonable from Reims. From Riker, the excuses fell flat.
Yvoire turned away and stared down at the picnic table. He let his hair fall back into his face so Riker wouldn’t see the tears in his eyes.
“People at school already made fun of me and you made it worse,” he said. “They still make fun of me, and you think—” Yvoire paused to swallow the lump in his throat. “—you think apologizing changes anything? You think it’s enough?”
His fingers twitched, thumbnails picking at each other, scraping a flake of polish off. As soon as Yvoire noticed what he was doing, he dropped his hands into his lap beneath the table, hiding the polish from view.
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Posted: Sat Oct 12, 2024 8:06 pm
“I don’t think it’s enough,” Riker said quietly, watching as Yvoire moved away from him. He pushed himself away as well, just to give him more space. He didn’t want Yvoire to feel crowded.
His heart ached. It felt like there were daggers digging into him. Deserved, of course.
“What can I do? I know nothing I say can take away the pain I’ve caused. But you really are important to me. I was afraid of losing you, so I kept my identity hidden. I want to be around you and--”
He was just rambling at this point. Like maybe if he talked enough, Yvoire might not disappear.
“I… I won’t be around when the others get together,” he said. It wasn’t an offer. It was something he’d already decided if things went south with Yvoire. He’d already voiced his concerns with being around when Énna was invited to things with Julian, explaining how it would be better if he wasn’t there.
“I’m the one who caused problems, not you. You deserve to be able to spend time with the people who care about you, without having to worry about the jerk who hurt you being there. So, uh… you don’t have to worry about that.”
Maybe one day Yvoire could forgive him enough to at least tolerate him being around. If it meant taking a step back from their group of friends, then he would just have to do that.
“And I won’t bother you if I do end up on Ganymede for a while. I’ll just stay at my Wonder or-- uh… figure something else out if that would make you uncomfortable.”
He wanted to reach out to Yvoire. To wrap his arms around him and hold him close. To tell him he was sorry--
But he’d already tried apologizing. And Yvoire had already jerked away from him.
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Posted: Sat Oct 12, 2024 8:06 pm
Yvoire shook his head.
Now he didn’t know what to believe. Reims had lied to him. Riker had been cruel. Who was to say the others weren’t lying to him, too? What if they talked about him and made fun of him behind his back? What if they only let him hang around because they felt bad for him?
He never felt like he fit in. For a while he’d managed to convince himself that it was all in his head, that he was letting anxiety get the best of him, that he was messed up from grief and only assumed the worst because the worst had already happened to him. But what if that wasn’t true? What if he was right to start with, and he didn’t fit in, and everyone was either laughing at him or pitying him, and no one really cared?
“I don’t… I don’t want to talk right now,” he said.
If he talked, he would say something defensive and mean. A part of him wanted to say something mean, wanted to fight back and make Riker feel as awful as he felt. But another part of him remembered all the things Reims had said, how no one wanted him, and Yvoire felt sick to his stomach thinking he might make Reims feel the same way.
You’re wanted, Yvoire had said.
He still wanted Reims. He still resented Riker.
Yvoire didn’t know how to make peace with either.
He rose from the bench, stumbling a bit in his haste. He stepped around it, his movements jerky and uncoordinated. He didn’t want to talk. He didn’t want to look at Riker. He didn’t want to feel anything, but he couldn’t shut his feelings off. They swirled in his head and raged in his gut and made his heart ache, made his eyes sting and his throat close up.
“I have to go,” he said.
Yvoire jerked to a stop before he could. He stood stiffly, hands balled into fists at his sides, conflicted.
He didn’t want to hurt Reims.
“I have to think for a while,” he explained, voice tight. “I can’t do that here.”
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Posted: Sat Oct 12, 2024 8:07 pm
Riker remained where he was. He nodded with understanding when Yvoire said he didn’t want to talk. That was definitely reasonable.
His heart ached. He wanted to do something -- say something -- that would make Yvoire feel better, or make sure he knew he wouldn’t try to bother him or… he didn’t know. There was no good solution to any of this.
When Yvoire got up, and when he stumbled, Riker had to do his best not to jump up and try to help him. He’d moved slightly, but kept himself where he was.
He felt like throwing up as Yvoire turned to leave. But then he paused.
With the way his hands were balled up, Riker was expecting Yvoire to turn and yell at him, or tell him off, or say that his family was right about him. He’d deserve it. He’d accept it.
But instead, Yvoire just said he needed to think for a while.
What did that mean? Riker didn’t understand what thoughts must be going through Yvoire’s head, but his stomach twisted again.
“Take your drink and soup?” he suggested, voice barely a whisper. At least he could have something with him. Or… Riker would just throw it out like he probably should have from the start. Just in case Yvoire needed the space, Riker backed up a bit more until he was on the other end of the bench.
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Posted: Sat Oct 12, 2024 8:08 pm
Yvoire shook his head again.
The drink and soup would only be a reminder of how much had changed in so short a time. He didn’t think he could hold them steady anyway. If his hands weren’t rolled into fists they’d be shaking. He felt jittery and unstable. Riker would probably notice soon if Yvoire didn’t get away fast enough. Maybe he did notice. Yvoire didn’t turn to look.
Instead he jerked forward and began walking—away from the picnic table, through the glow of the nearest streetlamp, then into the shadows. Leaves crunched beneath his feet. He took a ragged breath when he thought he was far enough away that Riker wouldn’t hear him.
Hot tears slipped down his face. Yvoire wiped them off with his sleeve, but more came to take their place.
He was so pathetic.
He should have known better.
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