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 Posted: Thu Mar 28, 2024 10:43 am
Lying would have been easier. Maybe more merciful. He didn’t want Dering’s last memories of Reims to be something sad or worrying. While Reims wasn’t entirely sure what the process was when it came to joining the Negaverse, he couldn’t imagine the shift from what he was now to something imbued with Chaos would be a very enjoyable experience. Maybe to the point of him not being recognizable.
“You don’t have to sound so worried,” he promised with a quiet laugh. He tried his best to look casual as he leaned against the pew he was standing beside. He didn’t want Dering upset.
“I was offered a chance to make sure you were all safe. I don’t think the Code or Ganymede would approve, so I don’t expect to be able to come back here. But, oh… if you wanted to come and look at the cathedral from the outside, definitely have Evie bring you to his Wonder. I know he could use the help cleaning his up, too.”
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Posted: Thu Mar 28, 2024 10:49 am
He could feel the vibration of the words in his bones, not unlike the sound the organ made. A minute ago felt like an hour, or more. Dering’s expression didn’t change, but his eyes darted across Reims’ face like he’d find the answer he wasn’t saying hidden there.
The Code, Ganymede, wouldn’t approve? Why? What was he going to do that was so taboo that he couldn’t come back here?
How could he not sound worried?
What guarantee was there that Reims could make sure they were all safe? Who could have promised that, and at what cost?
Finally, he found his voice again. “How?”
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Posted: Thu Mar 28, 2024 10:59 am
How?
Reims could no longer keep the smile on his face, no matter how fake. He glanced away from Dering so he didn’t have to see the worry in his soft blue eyes. He didn’t want to disappoint him.
He’d been so sure about his decision. Why shouldn’t he expect the others to be so relieved to know they would have someone keeping the Negaverse away from them? Why wouldn’t they be glad it was him, already an outsider with his dark clothes and colors, and not one of them?
Evie had Ganymede. He wouldn’t be alone. He had their friends, too. He didn’t know about the mean things Reims had done and said to him as Riker. Maybe now he’d never have to know.
The seconds stretched. He knew he needed to say something. It felt as though even suggesting it, here, on Reims. On Ganymede. Would immediately banish him.
“A General promised I’d be able to make sure you were safe. I would just have to join--”
The vague explanation should have been good enough, so he didn’t finish the rest except for with a small, dismissive shrug.
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Posted: Thu Mar 28, 2024 11:11 am
“No,” Dering said, before he’d really even had time to think about it. He managed a bit more volume than before, and that worry etched deeper into his face. Maybe he regretted the sudden burst because he looked like he’d been taken aback by his own brazenness.
Mentally scrambling to explain himself, he first mumbled a quick apology. He didn’t look away from Reims, he couldn’t.
His hand shot out but hovered just over Reims’. His fingers twitched, like he wanted very badly to take his hand. He didn’t force the contact, but before Dering could think better of it, he pinched the fabric of Reims’ cuff between his thumb and forefinger.
If Reims wanted to pull away, he could have done so easily. It wasn’t like he was going to run away and disappear right now or anything, but Dering needed to hold onto something to make sure he was real and there.
His voice quieted again, but what he lost in volume he made up for when the words rapidly tumbled from his mouth. Barely filtered, raw and honest and desperate. “I mean, I don’t–I don’t think you should trust them! I don’t think they tell the truth, and I don’t think they keep their promises. And I don’t want to lose you to them! If you do–if you–they wouldn’t let us be friends. I’d–I couldn’t trade you for any sort of safety, even if they could guarantee it. You’re not–you’re my friend. Not a–not a bargaining chip to gamble on. What did they say, how would that protect us? How would it protect you?”
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Posted: Thu Mar 28, 2024 11:29 am
Reims didn’t move. He didn’t look up at Dering, nor did he pull his arm away from him. His chest felt tight, like he couldn’t breathe properly. Like his heart had stopped working.
He’d been ready. Resigned to the fact that this was going to be the best way to protect everyone.
Why did Dering have to make feel like he was doing something wrong?
“I don’t--” he started, but ended up letting out a breath he’d drawn in.
This wasn’t a hard decision. He’d been so close to just agreeing to in the first place. Maybe he could have saved everyone he heartache if he’d just disappeared.
“I don’t have anything else to offer to anyone. This is-- I’m trying to make up for what I’ve done,” he finally forced out, although it was hard to get around the tightness in his throat. “Every mean thing I’ve said, everyone I’ve been an a*****e to. Even if they’re lying, I would at least be able to keep an eye on things. Besides, you have plenty of friends. And you all match a lot better than--”
He gestured vaguely to his outfit. Zinkenite had commented on it. On the dark colors. It was just one more reminder--
Maybe if he’d been born looking like Dering. With sweet blue eyes and blond hair… maybe his life would have been different. But as much as he could feel his heart hurt when Dering asked how it would protect him, he couldn’t bring himself to care about what happened to himself over everyone else. He’d been ready to remove himself from the narrative since the Code said it was possible to have a new identity. This would be like the same thing, but with better perks.
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Posted: Thu Mar 28, 2024 11:55 am
Dering was unswayed but Reims seemed sincere. Dering wasn’t mad at him, just worried.
“It’s–it’s about matching? We can change outfits. Anytime you want. I don’t mind. I think your outfit is lovely, I don’t mind not matching.” He looked like he was ready to start peeling off the layers of his outfit and handing them over so Reims could try them on.
It wasn’t about matching, he knew it wasn’t that simple. It was the first thing he’d been able to latch onto, to process.
“You have a lot to offer. But–when you say it like that, it’s–you’re still not a tool, you’re not something that only has value if you can do things for other people. I like you just being here. You don’t have to ‘make up’ for something by giving yourself up to them. I don’t want them to have you. You’re too good for them. And if you go over, you could lose all of your memories. You could forget about us. You might–they might tell you we were enemies. I couldn’t hurt you. I couldn’t do it. And I’d spend all my time trying to get you back from them. What–”
Dering’s voice was fluctuating too much, he was panicking. He had to slow down so he didn’t freeze up. He’d have been useless if he forgot how to speak, and he didn’t want Reims to think he was mad at him or shutting him out.
He drew in a breath–too quick, he was a little dizzy–but it slowed him down a bit.
“Maybe–maybe we can figure out something else,” he suggested gently. “What do you mean all the things you have to make up for?”
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Posted: Thu Mar 28, 2024 12:40 pm
Dering was sweet. It made him feel guilty for upsetting him. He wasn’t used to any of this, of someone trying to convince him to stay. Telling him that he was liked just being there.
Losing his memories…?
The frown that Reims wore deepened. He hadn’t been warned about all of his memories being lost. He assumed there would have been something different, but he was hoping he would just get to stand there as a barrier between his friends and the Negaverse.
What did Dering know about what the Negaverse could do…? He was pretty sure Evan would have a heart attack if he talked to him about it--
“Here,” he offered, holding out his other hand to Dering once he noticed that he seemed to be a little off balance. He was working himself up, and Reims didn’t want him falling or hurting himself on top of everything else.
Whether or not his hand was accepted, Reims took a step in front of the pew he was standing beside, giving Dering enough room to sit down with him.
“I haven’t been that nice of a person,” he admitted, knowing he’d made bad decisions in the past based on what he thought he wanted. He knew he was wrong. He knew he’d been mean and even a bully.
“But you’re nice. And really kind and thoughtful. I’m sorry I’ve upset you and… I wouldn’t want to fight you. Maybe I could tattoo some instructions on my arm in case my memories get wiped?”
It was a bad joke and he knew it. But it was also a possibility if he did end up going through with it…
“But-- and you’re probably going to think this is dumb but… I wasn’t meant to be born. Ah, I know that sounds really dramatic and stupid excuse but. I don’t know… I just want to make sure I’ve done something worthwhile.”
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Posted: Thu Mar 28, 2024 12:55 pm
Dering accepted the hand and held it tightly, even as he sat down next to Reims. He placed the violin next to him on the pew so he could hold Riker’s hand between both of his own.
“It doesn’t sound dumb. But if you weren’t meant to be born then you wouldn’t be here. And even–even if that weren’t the case, it wouldn’t matter, because you are here. You don’t have to make such a big sacrifice to be worthwhile. You can’t be far from my age, you’re too young to have to summarize your whole life into one worthwhile decision.”
He was holding Reim’s hand gently, like it might have been made of glass, but he held it carefully as if he thought it might slip out of his grasp if he didn’t.
“You’ve been nice to me. The whole time I’ve known you. And I was really excited when you said we should play together. And when you invited me here. I like when you’re around. I already feel safe. You don’t have to join the Negaverse to protect me, or anyone. How will we find you to protect you?” He’d look, of course, but what then? If Reims lost his memory, if he the Chaos chewed away at his morality? Dering didn’t know everything about corruption, but he knew what Talia had told him. He knew it could eat away at you, change you.
Erase who you were and make you into whatever the Negaverse wanted, even if it wasn’t what you wanted.
“I know I’m not the strongest. I know I’m not the best Knight.” Probably not even a good one. “But you’re important to me. I want to keep you safe, too. What have you done that you think is so bad you have to give up everything to fix it? Because it can’t be that bad, Reims. I promise. We could fix it. We could figure it out.”
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Posted: Thu Mar 28, 2024 6:32 pm
Dering was such a kind soul. Reims felt bad for making him worry. He let him hold his hand, and he gently squeezed Dering’s hand in return, as though to promise he wasn’t going anywhere.
Not then at least. He still wasn’t sure what to do about the Negaverse. Or his future meeting with Zinkenite… He could stand him up, but what if that meant painting a target on all of his friends’ backs?
“I have a pretty good idea who you are, and I wasn’t very nice to you. At least once… I teased, um. You and… Atticus about how you looked,” he mumbled sheepishly. Shamefully. His ears burned and he felt more guilt now than before.
“Cynthus -- Maisie… kind of hinted that I knew you all when we were at the fair,” he said with a sigh and then powered down so it was Riker in his dark hoodie and jeans instead of the more sophisticated looking Reims.
“But. I know I’ve done some pretty bad things. Bullying people because I thought it would-- this sounds dumb too, but… I would really like for my brother to like me. And he likes stuff like that so I thought-- But I know it’s wrong, it’s just that I ruined everything for him by being born. He had to grow up without his dad around. Mine… I never even met the guy. He wants nothing to do with me. Mom’s miserable too and is always drinking because it’s my fault that she has to work after her divorce and. Wow, I’m sorry. I’m just oversharing everything now,” he groaned and hid his face behind his free hand.
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Posted: Thu Mar 28, 2024 7:02 pm
Atticus…Maisie…the fair…his mind was rapidly trying to figure out who could have known them and him, but Riker was standing before him before he could even think too much about it.
“You were mean to me?” he blurted, and once more didn’t have time to wrack his mind for an answer before it was already slipping to another topic. His heart hurt for Riker, whose honesty was so raw that he couldn’t help but feel for him.
It took him a few seconds to remember how to power down, and when he did he seemed smaller. Part of it was probably the way his oversized sweater hung off of him, like it was something to make do with and not something worn by preference. His pants were just now showing the signs of being too short, and the seams protested by his knees especially. His shoes were scuffed and more well-worn than the jeans.
He had better clothes, sometimes he just didn’t feel like he was good enough to wear them.
Now, he wished he had.
Julian held Riker’s hand firmly in his own, but pulled one away to fuss with his hair quickly. He looked more put together as Dering, now he was just scrambling for decency and hoped that the shadows on Reims would be kind to him.
If Riker had made fun of him before, the words slipped into whatever chasm he tossed the rest of his bad memories. He still felt the urge to try and pull himself together quickly, though.
He hadn’t known Riker had a brother but he sounded like a bad influence. Especially because Riker said he knew it was wrong. He seemed like he felt bad about it, and that was all it took for Julian to forgive him.
The apology on the ferris wheel must have been, at least in part, for him. He regretted not catching up to him quicker to tell him it was fine. Riker seemed like he’d carried this guilt in his heart for a while, and Julian worried that in his silence he’d helped it fester.
“I’m sorry.”
He understood. He didn’t say it in so many words, but Julian’s face twisted into understanding and sympathy. He didn’t have to imagine what it was like to ruin someone’s life. “It’s not oversharing. It helps me understand where you’re coming from. I didn’t know those things about you.” Obviously, Riker hadn’t wanted him to. And, maybe now he was only telling him because he was thinking he was going to leave anyway. Riker didn’t owe him an explanation but Julian was glad to have a better idea.
“Those things…they aren’t your fault. Some of those things are choices that other people made, that they might have made no matter if you were born or not. You can’t, um. You can’t just think about the maybes like that. Maybe if you hadn’t been born, everyone would have gotten into a horrible car wreck instead, and they wouldn’t be alive to even have a chance to be happy right now. Or–”
He hesitated. “Oh, I’m sorry, that’s a bad image. I just mean–”
What did he mean? What could he say without being a hypocrite?
“I’m glad you’re here. A lot of people are. Riker and Reims, I like them both. But I’m sorry that your family–”
His voice hitched. “I’m sorry. That sounds really frustrating. That’s not fair to you. Is there anything I can do to help?”
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Posted: Thu Mar 28, 2024 7:24 pm
Riker wasn’t sure Julian was right about a lot of people being glad he was there. Maybe he could count them on his fingers. Maybe they were just being polite. He didn’t want Evan to worry. He didn’t want Evie to worry. But once Evie found out who he was…? Would he be as forgiving as Julian?
But there was more to it than that. He caught the look of understanding in Julian’s eyes. The sympathy of knowing. At least within the same realm as what Riker was dealing with.
“Your family hasn’t been very kind to you either,” he quietly surmised, his pinky brushing against Julian’s wrist as he held his hand. He knew he knew nothing about Julian. At least nothing more than what Julian let him know. He knew how easy it was to make things up and plaster on a smile and to say everything was fine. He knew that. He hadn’t pushed Julian -- Dering -- before, even though he saw there was something else under the surface.
He knew it was probably rude to push now, but he was sincere in wanting to make sure his friends were protected.
“I like Julian and Dering, too. I feel calmer around you and some of the others.” Obviously he didn’t include Cynthus in that! But he still wanted to keep her safe.
He knew he should answer him. He knew he should say something more than making assumptions (based on his own experience), but he felt silly and childish and unworthy.
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Posted: Thu Mar 28, 2024 8:31 pm
It was Julian’s turn to humor the lie, and he had the too-quick smile that didn’t belong, and all of the guilt that shadowed his face afterwards. He didn’t put his heart into any lie, Riker knew enough. It wasn’t fair to pretend like he was particularly off the mark. Riker had been truthful. Julian still struggled.
“They’re just busy right now,” he insisted. “It’ll work out. I can wait.”
But this wasn’t about him, and if it was another attempt at deflection, Julian was not going to fall for it.
“I think we make a good team. All of us.” Even if Riker had made mistakes, Reims hadn’t. He was a bit rough around the edges, and now when Julian really thought about him he could see where they overlapped. Reims seemed more confident. More friendly. More hopeful.
Maybe that was the true Riker, who he wanted to be. Untethered by any of the guilt he carried with him. Mistakes were forgivable. Julian couldn’t imagine turning him away, especially after what they’d been through together.
“If you left, there would be a hole that would never fill up. You and Yvoire are really close, have you told him? …Or anyone else? I bet they would all try to change your mind.”
He wasn’t very clever, and he wasn’t good at debate or outgoing like Elliot. All he had were the raw emotions he carried on his sleeve, and a list of stories others had shared with him about how dangerous the Negaverse and all its Chaos could be.
“You know Sailor Lysithea, we’ve talked some. She was in the Negaverse for a while. But she didn’t get a choice. She warned me a lot about them, about how the Chaos messes with them. It might make you not you. And I don’t want to lose you.”
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Posted: Thu Mar 28, 2024 8:39 pm
Might was definitely why Riker wasn’t certain yet. He glanced away awkwardly when asked if he’d talked to Yvoire, but shook his head. He didn’t want to upset him, either. Especially after they’d worked so hard on their Wonders.
“You’re the only one,” he admitted. It’s not like it was easy to bring up in conversation. He hadn’t even meant to let Julian know, but he had a hard time lying to him, apparently.
Julian was still keeping his secrets close to his heart. Riker wouldn’t pry. Not now. Not when he’d already upset him. But he did give him a sad, resigned look.
“Okay…” he agreed quietly, if only to try and keep Julian from getting more upset. “But… would it be okay if I waited with you?”
He didn’t know what it meant for Julian. He didn’t understand what his family being busy was code for. But he didn’t deny anything, and he used that fake smile. Riker already knew what it looked like.
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Posted: Thu Mar 28, 2024 9:11 pm
“I won’t tell anyone,” Julian promised. His voice was a whisper again, like he might keep the secret from Reims itself. It wasn’t his to tell. He wanted to support Riker, not betray his trust. He wasn’t going to tell anyone and have them unleash their emotions on the spot when Riker might not have been ready for it.
Even though Riker hadn’t asked for him to keep it a secret, Julian was going to.
And right now, Riker looked so sad, in a way that seemed like it must have taken so long to build up to this point. Julian’s heart hurt for him again but he was trying to stay calm. He hadn’t meant to panic. He’d worked hard to make friends, he didn’t want to lose them. If he could lose one, couldn’t he lose all of them? It wasn’t just selfishness, he didn’t just think about how much it would hurt him to lose Riker. He worried that if Riker corrupted, he’d have to start over. He’d join the Negaverse and wouldn’t have anyone to support him. Maybe he’d be lonely. Maybe he’d remember that he had friends he gave up. What if he was lonely? What if he made friends but they weren’t good to him?
Riker deserved more than that.
Maybe Julian could have deflected like Riker had tried to do earlier, but it said a lot that Riker was willing to be so vulnerable with him when he had so much to deal with already. Julian didn’t want to push him away. He didn’t want him to doubt his trust or his friendship.
He hooked his ankles and tried to tuck them under the pew. “...You can wait with me,” he answered. “...But it might be a while. Is that okay?”
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Posted: Fri Mar 29, 2024 7:16 am
If Riker was being honest, he was afraid that he actually no longer had a choice. If he ran into Zinkenite again, whether willingly or by accident, he doubted the man would actually just let him walk away. Not having people join by force was one thing, but what if they refused? What was the point of letting an enemy wander around freely?
He reached over to gently Julian’s hand in both of his as he rested his back against the pew. They were sitting close, but he made sure he wasn’t crowding him.
There was a lot he didn’t know. A lot about the Negaverse. A lot about their side of things. There was a lot he didn’t know about Julian or his other friends. And a lot they didn’t know about him.
He didn’t know if he should be relieved that Julian didn’t seem upset that he’d been mean to him in the past, or if he should keep holding his breath in case everything finally caught up to him and Julian changed his mind.
“That’s okay,” he agreed after a quiet moment and squeezed Julian’s hand. “As long as you know you’re not alone. I’ll wait with you.”
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