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 Posted: Tue Dec 19, 2023 8:10 pm
Michael was quiet and still as Devyn spoke. He said he was trying to sort things out, and Michael wanted to give him that opportunity.
But when he settled with his forehead against his shoulder, and explained what was troubling him so deeply, Michael let out a small, remorseful breath, and shifted just enough to gently wrap his arms around Devyn and gather him as close as he would let him.
“Oh, Dev…” he said softly, his cheek resting against Devyn’s head. He used his hands to stroke at Devyn’s back, to comb gently through his hair, to offer him whatever tiny bit of comfort he could manage.
Michael knew that nothing he could say would change what happened, or how Devyn felt. He knew now what turmoil caused the necklace to throb painfully earlier that day. And he knew that Devyn must have already gone over every scenario in his head to try and figure out the cause of the tragedy. And even if he wasn’t involved, Michael knew he would still take the blame.
He knew, because he’d experienced that as well. A mistake that people died from…
But that was why he knew mourning with Devyn as he sorted things out was probably the kindest thing he could do. Trying to convince him that it wasn’t his fault, even if it really wasn’t, would be doing Devyn a disservice as he tried to work out a way to continue forward with that guilt.
Michael knew that being there to support Devyn would be the most important part of sorting things out.
“The necklace doesn’t bother me. You don’t bother me. Not being able to help… knowing that sometimes I can’t help… that’s what bothers me the most. Having a piece of you with me brings me comfort, but I feel guilty for prying when you’re suffering. What happened…? If you need more time, that’s okay. You don’t have to talk about it at all if it’s too much. But I’ll always be here for you,” he promised as he pressed a kiss to the top of Devyn’s head and smoothed his hand down his back once more.
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Posted: Tue Dec 19, 2023 8:24 pm
Devyn let Michael hold him in any way he wanted, and he wanted and accepted all of it. Being on the receiving end of this reassurance and comfort was not unknown to him, but he could have been more graceful about accepting it.
He didn’t know what he needed. He didn’t know how to ask.
He was lucky that Michael knew what to offer. His arms were warm and his touch was gentle, and though they had only been like that for a moment, he felt the tension easing a bit. He let Michael play with his hair for a bit longer before he released a weary sigh.
“Don’t feel guilty. I don’t want that. I gave my heart to you, I know what that comes with.” The necklace might have found its way to Michael before he had, but the outcome would have been the same. “I’m not suffering,” he added after a moment, but maybe he was being too dismissive.
He just didn’t like to think of himself as someone capable of suffering.
It was just a mood, it would pass. He couldn’t fix everything, he couldn’t undo what had happened. He could cleanse the land and honor those that had passed there.
“You help me more than you know, Michael.”
For a moment longer he let silence fill the room, but afterwards he drew in a breath and forced himself to sit up. He savored the closeness, the tenderness. He didn’t feel like he deserved it right now, but he knew he was just being hard on himself.
It wasn’t too much to talk about. Things weren’t too much for Devyn. Admitting that would be like admitting defeat. He just needed to find the right words. Michael had given him the opportunity to provide an answer, so he considered how he wanted to word it.
Enough to be honest, not enough to make Michael worry that he couldn’t help.
Michael always helped. He was helping now.
“The town smelled wrong when I showed up. Alastor has its fair share of poisons, it’s probably Crystalyst, or some variation of it. It’s heavily processed, fairly harmless and undetectable as long as it’s dehydrated. Once you introduce water, it starts mineralizing anything it comes in contact with. It’ll crystalize just about anything. Slow, fast, it depends on the concentration. There were crystals on some of the skulls I buried. The ground was hard and the plants were stiff, brittle enough that they crumbled when I touched them. So I was thinking that the seeds I delivered the last time I was in town was laced with it. I think they planted the seeds, grew their harvest, and ate the poison. I think, if anyone was going to poison them, it’d be to get into the mountain. It was full of resources, they just didn’t have the manpower to mine too deeply. Not safely enough, at least. But whatever they were tunneling got sealed up, probably not by choice.”
He exhaled and shrugged and forced himself to tie things up. “Villefort’s mushrooms can deconstruct any poison, any toxin, and break it down to something safe. I want to think that whatever’s still in the ground is ineffective or too weak to cause any widespread issue, but there weren’t any bugs, weren’t any animals. So I’d rather be safe than sorry. I think it’s more concentrated in the cave, that’s where the seeds were planted. It’s been protected from the elements, but if there’s another rockslide, if there’s a flood...”
He pressed his lips together, forced a shrug, and finished, “It’d carry whatever’s left there right downstream.”
Right to Arista. Right to the Hall.
Right down to everything he’d been working so hard to fix.
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Posted: Wed Dec 20, 2023 6:54 pm
“Sorry,” Michael quietly winced. “Not suffering,” he relented. “I misspoke… or misinterpreted. Would ‘grieving’ be better?”
He’d been quiet again as Devyn spoke. He let him sit up because Michael would never try to restrain him from doing something he wanted to do. But he did frown as Devyn explained what happened. What he surmised might have happened.
Michael knew very little about Alastor, and he certainly wasn’t an expert on things like poisons. He knew he could very easily be wrong with his understanding of things, so he was hesitant to offer his observation of Devyn’s explanation.
“Are you going to be okay, after touching something toxic?” he asked after a few moments. He was trying not to seem like he was worrying. He wasn’t! Well, maybe a little. But he was trying to be practical.
Devyn had said himself that he’d lost himself in his own thoughts. Maybe he hadn’t been thinking straight. Or maybe Michael’s understanding of everything was just too little to be useful.
“You washed your hands… Sorry, I’m probably being paranoid,” he admitted, although maybe it was fine if it was just to wash off the dust. As long as it hadn’t come in contact with Devyn’s blood through the cuts on his hands.
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Posted: Wed Dec 20, 2023 7:04 pm
Devyn laughed. It was soft, grateful. Michael was sweet. He appreciated his worry. “I’ll be fine,” he promised. “I’ve got good blood, you don’t have to worry about me. You’ll be fine, too, I wouldn’t bring that home to you.”
He didn’t know the specifics of how magic worked, but he knew that there was a separation of Devyn and Alastor. He’d been careful. Whatever poison might have clung to his Senshi uniform was left behind, no doubt.
“You didn’t misspeak or misinterpret, I’m sorry. You’re probably right. I don’t even know what to call what I feel right now. Tired, sore. Not crystalizing, though. I promise. No force born of my world can kill me. Maybe, a long time ago, but I might as well be poison myself.”
Maybe he was. How many people had died because of him?
He paused, drew in a breath, and held it until his lungs burned.
How many people had lived because of him? Maybe not forever, maybe not as long as he wanted them to. Death was inevitable.
“I just hate being able to look back and think about all the things I’d have done differently if I knew better. But then I look at you,” and he did, “And I think about how I’m lucky that I wound up here, now. It is very selfish of me to appreciate that my path led me here.”
That, he didn’t regret.
“I am glad you weren’t with me because I would have worried very much for you. But you’re here, now, where I need you most. Even when I don’t know what I need, I know it’s you. In some way, some form.”
He bit down on his lower lip, not hard enough to bleed. Enough to focus himself and pull his gaze to Michael’s. “I don’t feel good right now.”
Blunt, to the point. Honest, even when he didn’t want to be. “I feel tired. I feel empty. I feel distant.” A pause. “And I feel loved. I know the rest will pass. I just can’t help but wonder if there was something else I could have done. If I’d brought them back to the Hall, maybe–”
He cut himself off and shrugged. “Thinking about it doesn’t change things. I’m just disappointed. I’ll pay proper respects to the town when I go again, I just wasn’t prepared this time. I need to do a sendoff, too. It’s customary, and I doubt everyone got one. It’s supposed to help them pass in peace and let their souls rest. I don’t know about ghosts, or curses, but I know Chaos can spawn from a darkened heart, and there’s been so much darkness on my world. I won’t abandon them a second time. And I won’t let Chaos breed there again.”
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Posted: Wed Dec 20, 2023 10:13 pm
“If I was with you, and you told me it was dangerous, I would have trusted you. I would have stayed back,” Michael promised as he lifted his hand to stroke his fingers across Devyn’s cheek, brushing his bangs back more as an excuse to touch him rather than them actually being in the way.
“I would have left if you needed me to. I don’t want you to worry that I would have put myself in danger just because I’m stubborn. There’s a time and place for that, but you know your world best. Chaos won’t breed there again. I won’t let that happen, either.”
Alastor was practically his world, too. He might not share its name, but he felt the same connection that Percy must have felt.
“It’s okay that you don’t feel good. I can bring you some tea and you can wear my headphones and sit in the dark if you think that would help? But you’re right. I love you very much. Whatever you need, it’s yours. Space. Time. Anything.”
Michael didn’t want to let Devyn get too lost in his own thoughts. He knew how that was. He knew it was bad for him. Sometimes when he was feeling low, it was easiest to say that he wanted to be left alone, but in reality being left alone made things so much worse. He would just keep an eye on Devyn if he said he needed space.
“Something doesn’t seem right, though,” he admitted after a few moments, but he looked up at Devyn with an apology in his expression. He knew he didn’t know anything about Alastor, but…
“If anyone was trying to access the resources within the mountain, having the town grow the poison seems… risky. And time consuming. I assume people were getting desperate around that time? Even if they feared your retaliation, poison through planting seeds seems like a long term investment that people probably didn’t have.”
He paused with another expression of apology.
“What I mean is… whatever happened might not have been your doing. I know there’s no real way to know for certain. I know you’ll still feel responsible.” There was no getting around that. It was his world, after all.
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Posted: Wed Dec 20, 2023 10:36 pm
Devyn drew in a sobering breath and nodded. He leaned into the touches. He wanted the contact. He wanted the comfort.
“If I wanted time, or space, I would have stayed on Alastor,” he promised. He knew Michael would respect his boundaries if he’d asked for them. “I wanted to come home. I wanted to be with my family. I appreciate your logic and sensibilities.”
He didn’t feel like resting against the back of the couch. He adjusted himself, and he laid down in Michael’s lap so he could look up at him. He might not stay like this, but he wanted a moment, at least. He stretched out over the couch and laid his hands on his stomach.
“I thought about those things, too. Maybe they were mining for their own resources and hit a pocket of gas or something. Maybe the poison came after. Maybe things crystalized on their own. Maybe it was suicide. Maybe it was an accident. Maybe it was cruelty. Maybe it happened before I got there, maybe it happened after. Maybe they were trying to purge the Chaos. It could have been so many different things. I don’t think I’ll ever have an answer. Some of the houses were locked up, maybe someone left a journal or log or something. I’ll find out eventually. I suppose the story doesn’t matter, in the long run. If I’m the only one around to do something about it, that’s just what has to be done.”
He appreciated Michael trying to comfort him. He’d been through other possibilities, but it didn’t matter. If he was the only one left, then he was the only one left to grieve. To mourn. To pay respects. To offer apologies. To take revenge.
Whatever he was going to do, it had to be productive.He didn’t have time to waste, not when there was so much to do.
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Posted: Thu Dec 21, 2023 9:36 am
Michael adjusted himself so it was easier for Devyn to lay down. He combed his fingers through Devyn’s hair, and placed his other hand on Devyn’s chest. It was just supposed to be something grounding, in case Devyn felt like his thoughts were making him float away.
“I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to imply that you hadn’t thought about the possibilities,” Michael said softly. He didn’t think Devyn was upset with him, but he also hadn’t meant to make it seem as though he didn’t think Devyn hadn’t thought about all that.
“I’m happy you’re home. And you know I will do whatever I can to help. Even if it’s just getting supplies ready and meals packed for you to take with you. I know I can’t always be with you,” he sighed as he gently scratched at Devyn’s scalp.
“I didn’t know what to do, not knowing how long you’d be gone. I was going to get a bath ready for you, but then what if it got cold? Or have tea ready, but that could have gotten cold, too. I can do all that now, if you’d like.”
He wanted to give Devyn the chance to sort through things… he just wanted it to be as easy and painless a process as possible.
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Posted: Thu Dec 21, 2023 10:35 am
When Devyn sighed again, it was content. His eyes fluttered shut and he dipped his head back as Michael worked over his scalp. He sounded amused when he spoke again, not quite exasperated but certainly full of love. “Oh, Michael.”
He didn’t have to look to find the hand on his chest; he raised his own and rested it atop Michael’s, lacing fingers. He squeezed his hand gently. “You don’t have to apologize. I know.”
Devyn appreciated Michael’s attempts to pamper him. Those were things he’d have wanted to do for Michael, too, so instead of denying them, he just said, “Later. Maybe we can take a bath together. And have tea. I want your company more than I want anything else. I don’t want to get too comfortable before we say good night to Atticus. It’ll be too cold if we go out there with wet hair, anyway. Have you eaten yet or were you waiting for me?”
…Worrying too much to eat anything, maybe?
Devyn smiled softly, apologetically. He didn’t open his eyes, he just let himself sink into the comfort of Michael’s touches.
If Michael was relying on the necklace to tell him how Devyn felt, he might have noticed that it did seem to be back to normal. Almost, at least. It glowed a little duller, swirled a little slower. His heartbeat was steady. He still hurt, he still had doubts.
Such would pass. In Michael’s arms, he took steady, calming breaths. He could close his eyes and relax. He could let his guard down. He was safe here, he knew he was in good hands.
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Posted: Thu Dec 21, 2023 11:19 am
The more time Michael spent with Devyn after being separated from him, the more relaxed he became. It didn’t just have to do with the necklace settling into a steady pulse, but Devyn’s presence alone was enough to give Michael a sense of calm. It was easier to be himself when he knew he didn’t have to worry about what anyone else might think.
“I was waiting,” he admitted, but quickly added. “We had a lot of snacks at school. It’s closer to the holidays, so the kids are bringing in treats to share. I brought home a whole bag full that I thought you might like.”
He hadn’t had much to eat that day, and most of that was because he was too worried and didn’t have an appetite. He suspected that Devyn might already know.
“But I did order pizza and sent a couple boxes over with Atticus and Lucien to the Reids. It’ll be easy to reheat if you want, or I don’t mind it cold, either.”
Michael paused for a few moments, and squeezed Devyn’s hand as he rested his over his chest.
“Thank you. For letting me be a part of your life. I know it’s been a long, hard road for you. I know there are wounds I can’t help heal, and that you have to figure things out on your own sometimes. But if you do need anything…”
He felt a little silly for repeating something that Devyn already knew, but sometimes he felt like he had to remind him, otherwise Devyn might feel like there were things he had to do alone that he didn’t actually need to.
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Posted: Thu Dec 21, 2023 11:31 am
Devyn squeezed Michael’s hand once more, and then drew it to his lips so he could kiss each of his fingers.
“If I need anything, I have you, Michael.”
It wasn’t a thought, it wasn’t a feeling. It was a fact. “As you have me.”
For anything. Everything.
“Don’t sell yourself short. You’ve healed wounds I didn’t even know I had. You’ve helped me figure out things I’ve been stuck on for years. Never underestimate what you’ve done for me.”
Another kiss, but this time he held his fingers to his lips for a few seconds longer.
Devyn was good at hiding things. From others, from himself. There were old wounds he carried that he’d forgotten about, or things he kept hidden because they were better that way. Michael’s love had seeped through the walls he’d built around plenty of them, slowly, gradually chipping away at an ache.
He had bad memories, replaced with good ones. When he hurt, he had a torrent of love to ease it.
“You’re so thoughtful. I am very much looking forward to sampling your bag of treats. I’ll make fine work of that pizza, too. Maybe not tonight. But we’ll see if my stomach doesn’t wake up the neighborhood tomorrow morning. I’m guaranteed a good night’s rest with you by my side. Tomorrow will be better. And, if it’s not, I’ll tell you. And we’ll figure it out together. Thank you for being patient with me. You take such good care of me. Really.”
He caught his eye and looked at him insistently. “I’m not teasing you. Thank you for being a part of my life, Michael. And for letting me be in yours.”
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Posted: Thu Dec 21, 2023 6:07 pm
As Devyn moved his hand away from his mouth to speak, Michael took the opportunity to caress his cheek. He still had his other hand in Devyn’s hair, which he smoothed back, obviously adoring in his gesture.
“I know,” he confirmed, offering Devyn a small, grateful smile in return. “I know I have you. Even with everything that has happened, these last two years… with you, and then Atticus in our lives… I’ve never been happier.”
He’d been happy at various points in his life, of course. Or at least the illusion of being happy, or maybe forcing himself to act the part as society dictated he should. He was happy to have the family and friends that he had. But looking forward to going to sleep would have been so strange to him, before Devyn.
“Do you want to rest a little longer, or see if Atticus is still awake?” he asked after a few moments. “I would have given you so many kisses by now if I could bend over to do that, but I’m old and not very flexible,” he sighed, but it was pretty clear that he was teasing.
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Posted: Thu Dec 21, 2023 10:54 pm
Devyn let himself laugh. He didn’t have much effort to put into it, but the intention was there, and he smiled softly as he gazed up at Michael through half-lidded eyes. He could have fallen asleep in his lap just like that but he wasn’t going to give up on his plans.
“Oh, you’re old?” he hummed. “I was over here trying to think if I had the strength to get up.”
He did, of course. And even if he hadn’t, he’d have still found a way to push himself up. Strength was very important to Devyn. He didn’t try to push himself up yet, though. Just a moment more. Michael’s fingers felt so nice in his hair.
“We should say good night to Atticus, before it gets too late. And then we can come back and you can give me those kisses. And I can tell you how these last two years have been among my happiest, too. And I’ve got a lot of years to compare to.” Mostly bad. He’d done the math.
…Things just didn’t seem so bad when he had Michael by his side, though.
He couldn’t change the past. He was still working on the future.
He was tired, but not beaten down. And, most importantly, he wasn’t alone.
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