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"Awh---I---" he was going to catch a whole swarm of flies, all the honey his mouth seemed to be leaking today as he stammered useless vowels, sounds of the guiltily accused. Waru suddenly had the nerve to look sheepish and caught out, pinned to the spot and clutching the mug passed his way, wishing the ceramic was hot enough to scald, rather than simply warm the callouses on his fingers. As things were, he felt far warmer on the inside than any bit of freshly boiled tea felt in his palms. In fact? He wondered if he were the one truly boiling alive under Aelius ire and Eions very pointed question.

"Hey--" how it made him nervous, especially when all of Aelius vicious speculation rang terribly true to his own ears. In this mater alone? He was going to do what he wanted, no matter what it took, and no matter *who* had anything to say about it. He hadn't told anyone anything, not Eion, not Haymitch, not even Cerbs for all that the bird didn't speak a lick of English and was only verbose beyond measure inside his own imaginative mind. He'd left Aelius home and seen people and said not ******** or all to a soul. Not even the one soul who was depending on him to maybe do just that. He could've blamed it on him being busy -- claimed there was sword training to do -- Rift shenanigans to venture on -- admitted that he just plain hadn't wanted to bring any of it up! Because a break wasn't much of a break if the whole of it was spent talking about the person he was taking a break from!

Then there was the looming reality where everything with Aelius felt so personally private, so intense, that just casually tearing over it without at least asking the man himself if he'd be okay with it first felt tantamount committing a crime. In hindsight it was hilarious how that seemed like the bridge too far. How this was the sort of s**t Trey had told him to work on --- the sort of s**t he was supposed to have learned with Hina, and Celadonite, and Nembus -- Subordinates that 'weren't at all' and this was why he didn't have them because Aelius wasn't *wrong*---

"I apologized, didn't I? After, I know, but I did apologize for not explaining it better before--and I asked your permission! Kinda--sorta---I--" tearing a steadily narrowing gaze from Aelius and into his cup. The flicker of the urge was there, to snap back, to rebound the same exhaustion he felt in kind. As though Aelius hadn't already made it abundantly clear he wanted no part in anything he'd already tried! How badly he wanted to blame the bluenette alone for making even the simplest ask feel like pulling teeth, where nothing was ever volunteered with any sort of ease!

Except that wasn't entirely Aelius fault either---

Cornered things bit back the hardest, and while Waru knew he failed at leadership even at the best of times. He'd never once failed to be good at backing people into corners, it was as much his purpose as it was the point.

"I honestly wasn't getting anywhere on my own, so I made him a deal," thumbing the steam slicked rim of the cup before looking submissively over to Eion. As if admitting he'd needed to use the device at all was admitting a failure on his part, even if he'd been the one to ask for it in the first place. "Told him as much as he was willing to hear about the bracelet being Velvets, knowing you would've been better at saying how you'd repurposed it to--do what it does. I shut my mouth about the rest. The--how it works, what was in the memory itself." he picked his way through the words clumsily, beneath shuttered lashes, chased them with a rough sigh as he rolled deep reds back in Aelius direction, letting himself frown while he drank all the bitterness Aelius had to offer. Giving the man back a little bit of his own.

"Seriously, if anything else in your past is, at all, like that particular trip to hospital? Then I'm probably the safest superior you could possibly have...." talking about it itched, like remembering a dream that wasn't his. The way the names and faces didn't quite match with those he knew now-- the way time and age changed things. Save the blond who he didn't know from a hole in the wall, who existed as a tall, broad, ball of static holding *his husband* like a princess! All he could figure from the bleary splotch of a memory was that the man definitely wasn't Schorl, obviously, but? Knowing it wasn't Schorl didn't actually bother him any less. The same way knowing it'd been Yuuri and that Mau and 'Reven' didn't bother him any less for the partial-familiarity. "....and I--don't even know how to talk about it. I didn't. Sept--now I've got the both of you here to offer some ********' context, don't I?"

"Damn it, Waru," Eion sighed as he set his cup down for the moment. "Do you know how many ******** times we've all gone to a hospital? If you want context, you have to give us context."

He knew that it was likely a mistake to have come here. That it was too soon, or that he would be interrupting something, or the subject of more irritation from one or both of them. That he would be accused of having better things to do than play pretend at instilling a sense of normalcy. Or, better yet, told that there couldn't possibly ever be normalcy as long as he was part youma, as long as he had squandered his one chance at being fully human again. ******** what he thought of his own body, his boys wanted someone they could touch without special chokers and trinkets.

But Aelius's words — they spoke of all the ways he failed, all the ways he kept failing, all those insidious doubts that reminded him that he deserved nothing of his current position. That he couldn't handle relationships like he couldn't handle the blade he was given. That his authority was a sham, better relegated to Axinite's oversight with Faustite akin to a figurehead. There were those who thought well of him, their reasons their own, but he didn't deserve them. And Aelius insisted so perfectly about the faultiness in Faustite's leadership, how all he could do was make terrible, obvious mistakes that anyone else should be able to spot and avoid effortlessly.

Invisible hands caught his throat. His eyes stung as his rage burned unfettered. "Do you ever ******** listen to yourself?" He countered, voice rising. "If I had ******** tossed you off, you'd be in the Rift! But <******** me for picking the best person I know to do what I can't! You're not the only ******** failure here!" He bellowed, body racked with adrenaline so potent that he was shaking. Tears spent were blessedly clear.

His fist beat against the countertop with emphasis. "I get it! I was a <******** fool for coming here!" Pushing himself away from the counter, Eion made for the door.

Aelius was conflicted. The words tossed at Eion had been honest. A small window into the pain that had been brought upon by a decision made, in his opinion, poorly. It still rankled. Still hurt to be passed along to another person like he was, especially at the time it had been done. Hell, he still held a deep seated dislike for himself for his mistake in the spring, but time was beginning to ease it, even if it couldn’t mend his self-confidence.

But to see those tears? Hear a bit of Eion’s own soul bared?

Aelius didn’t know what to do. So instead of doing anything he sat there and turned his attention to the tea as a way to avoid watching his husband walk out. Pffft. Husband. Some piss poor husband they were both being. Neither willing to soothe rankled hairs to sit and genuinely talk to one another. Had they lost that ability? Aelius was beginning to think he had with each bitter word that spilled from his mouth.

Thankfully, Waru stepped in. Golden eyes slipped to the man as he spilt tea in his rush and begged their husband to stay. To not flee out that door like it was the only barrier that could save him from more onslaught of words.

This was Waru was the better man.

Aelius winced.

“Stay.” He threw into the mix with Waru’s. He didn’t beg, but his voice sounded defeated to his own ears. And he was for his lack of ability or know-how to deal with the land mines all around him and his own lacking abilities.

Licking his lips to stave off the dryness that had begun to settle, Aelius took a visible deep breath, closing his eyes as he spoke. “Call it want you want, Waru, but how you view things and how I do are different. I am on the receiving end of all of this. It’s been blow after blow for me and I…” He paused a moment.

Eyes opened but averted from either of the men. “Let’s just…talk about that memory.”

A moment passed. He turned to glance at Eion who was so close to the door. “If you want to.”

"Deal--"

No more shitty comments, no more half hearted attempts at diverting things with innuendo. There was no point in going back to the couch, he was happier standing, pacing even if it was only to help better put his mind in motion with his mouth and pull the old memory up so he could explain it properly.

"If you two could meetup n go over how the bracelet actually works though? Without me. If you ever feel up to it --- if it ends up being done in writing--or over the phone. I don't care, I just know I'm the worst person to be...ahm...going over technical aspects of the thing?" and he asked while casting wary glances between them, knowing no one was getting quite what they'd asked for. Asking regardless because he knew in his heart that he would end up using the thing again. He'd be better about it next time, more clear and concise, more honest about what he needed from all of this.

"And it's hard to explain--watching your memory through your eyes, but as me? It's all emotions on my end, n sensory input, n learning to take myself out of it is a weird ******** thing. I mean, there's no end of s**t to see n hear of course! But it's all this secondary bombardment n it's ******** -- especially since they must've had you on some good drugs -- and then getting any context involves me asking questions after which is only comfortable if you're interrogating someone, I think? Like-- asking what wolf, or who the ******** the big-a** brunette was? Or why Tibs was there -- Why 'Eion' was 'Reven' and what caused those ******** nose bleeds---and of course it was weird as ******** seeing Yuuri!" Here Waru had thought Aelius was an island unto himself -- no -- a small satellite circling the singular planet knwon as Faustite! He hadn't known how many other people the man actually knew, only that he was a member in the negaverse for a time, that he'd served under Schorl -- under Faustite -- that his brother was Trey.

He hadn't cared enough to ask how he was getting along, if he had other old friends, if he wanted to see anyone other than his *sure as fire was hot soulmate!* Every time he caught their eyes again he wanted to apologize even more for failing them both so hard thus far. In simple ways with easy remedies, all the things he could've tried to change before they'd ended up here and now.

"And knowing the answers to any of that wouldn't explain--ffhh---for all that I throw myself at *death*, and it's chances kinda ********' brazenly! I've never wanted to die, Aelius. M'so ******** sorry you went through that.... "

Oh, did Waru have questions. Questions that shaped the state of the memory, gave Eion clues as to the time it happened. That was an early one in Heliodor's Negaverse career, one seldom spoken about since it occurred. In hindsight, he wondered if it was humiliating to have a whole group of fellow officers coming to see him in the hospital like that, each chastising him in their own way. Even if it was, though, Eion couldn't find it in himself to feel remorseful for it. That resentment yet burned hot, so many years after the fact.

Aelius spoke first, which bought Eion time to compose himself and drink his tea. The statements the other boy offered were unusually sparse for one who was so fond of speaking at length. While he wasn't as needlessly verbose as Waru, Eion expected liberal padding out of the boy. This sounded more like he wanted the discussion over with before it started, and was only surrendering as much because he felt compelled to do so.

But the shape of the memory was centrally Aelius. It was on the boy to give context where context was due, as it was on him to explain the virulent mix of feelings that Waru endured. They did not blunt Eion's rage.

Fine boned fingers curled around the cup of tea as he sipped it again, finding it cooled enough to be drinkable but not particularly palatable with the moment so spoiled. Nevertheless, he was hungry, and he took up some of the lacy cookies to sate himself. When Eion thought Aelius was done, when he thought he found a good time to speak, he took it.

His voice was low, as if his volume was a concession to avoid some of Aelius's biting comments. "Must've been around the time that my identity was erased. Didn't have a name back then. 'Reven' — a made-up relation — was to get us visitation rights. That's what I told the team.

"Was considering using Aelius's last name, actually. Decided it wasn't a good idea."

He let that thought stew as he considered the other questions. "Tall one was Aue. He was like an ancillary to Schörl. Transferred under her later, the stupid ********." But Eion missed him nonetheless. "Tibby was Schörl's cat. And Yuuri used to live with Aue — they usually showed up together."

Eyes flickered to Eion at the mention of using his last name. Brows furrowed as he wondered why the boy would have gone that route. "Bad idea?" He carefully questioned Did he mean for his new identity, or just that day in the hospital? Either way, it was...endearing. A small little slice of the time that perhaps Eion had actually still cared. Not that it would have mattered at the time. Aelius would have probably thought of it as some bad joke in the moment. But now, knowing their history and who Eion had been, it held meaning.

Grateful that Eion offered the names and associations of the people within the memory, Aelius turned his attention back to Waru as more questions were spewed out like water from a fountain. A wry, half-hearted smile acknowledged Waru's comment about feelings. "Yea. I've never been good at not being emotionally invested." An acknowledgement to part of his problems.

He sighed heavily, again. "The wolf was a Knight summons. And no, my leg wasn't the only problem." Raising the mug he took another sip of the tea, now finally cooling enough to be comfortably sipped. It helped his drying throat. "Busted face and nose, broken ribs, absolutely soaked in freezing weather, and a knight summons chewing on my leg." He lowered the mug to his lap, cupped between his hands. Thumb moving on its smooth surface. Still.

"It wasn't a mission. I was out on patrol."

The sound of his name from Waru's mouth said a lot and he looked away again. The tone almost a plea. While Aelius couldn't remember exact details of the day he knew what had been going through his mind in General. What sorts of things that he likely was thinking and feeling. Most of them damning and mortifying now. "I was struggling, Waru. More than I am now. I wasn't happy about anything and having people stand there and chastise me while *I was drugged up and feeling terribly alone and afraid and ashamed...I don't know what to tell you."

Aelius could practically hear the ridicule and admonishment in the tone of Eion's words. All of the blame thrown right back onto Aelius's shoulders and so quickly the man felt like he was back in that hospital room. Surrounded by so many but feeling so alone for the amount of actual care that any of them had for his well being beyond being an attribute for the negaverse. The only difference was, that now Aelius had grown more of a back-bone.

He nearly fell out of his stool for the anger that welled in side of him as he stood and and pointed at Eion. "And why the ******** do you think that it even happened?" He growled out. "Don’e get me wrong. I deserve some blame in it, but not a single of you there gave two ******** beyond the fact that I had inconveninced every single one of you. Not once did any of you ask how I was feeling, or if I needed to talk about anything. Hell, none of you even asked what actually happened out there!” The words exploded from him in a torrent as he stared Eion down. Treasonous tears not only well, but fell down his face and he brushed at them angrily with the bottom of his palm.

“No, you all came in, parading and pretending to have an iota of worry about me and instead you did nothing but belittle and chastise me." The words exploded from him in a torrent. Words that he wanted to say, should have said years ago, but was too depressed and scared to say. Cause in that hospital room, despite feeling like perhaps he made a mistake in wanting to live, deep down, that flame to survive had glowed. It may have just been a ember then, but it was there.

“Maybe, if you’d given me a chance, you would have known I didn’t go out there to just throw myself at the first order member I saw.” He trembled for his anger, body stiff with tension. “But you probably wouldn’t have believed me even if I told you. You were so set on your own narrative of the night.” Eyes blazed hot at Eion. "Am I right?" Every word thrown at him, but also at Aelius himself. For while he was angry. Livid actually, the shame of that night was there. It always would be there.