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He couldn't, he couldn't, he couldn't!

"I cant!" barked like she'd shocked it outta him through his collar, panicked little bit of surprise for that, the way he looked so unsure about the words having come from his own mouth. But they had. He'd spoken them aloud, stunned, angrier than he'd ever been. That she'd ask that of him while taking up a stance before Fulgurite like he really needed protecting from---

From him.

He caught Fulgurites look like a stone thrown through his whole damn glass house and he got it. It grated on the anger he held close. For Nikki's position between them, for the glance with ten-thousand words behind it. Because in the darkest parts of his mind, where all the easy shadows crept, he wanted to laugh at them both. To point out all the ways -- if he'd wanted either of them dead -- did they think he'd do it out here? Like this? He could think of all the people he wanted to pick fights to the death with, could plot their outlines in chalk. He couldn't do it for Nectaris. He couldn't likely do it to Fulgurite, either. As much as he liked to say the words aloud and watch for a reaction he wasn't quite getting, it didn't fit his needs. It was ******** being utterly unable to egg the guy into acting like anything other than calm n passive n controlled. He wanted Fulgurite to move -- to do something -- so they could finally fight it out like civil people and have it done. So Waru could get himself over all of it and leave the man with his lovers in quiet, happy, peace.

He wanted Syrus happy. He wanted Nectaris happy. He wanted everyone he loved or liked alive and had simply let go of the fact that he had no control over whether or not that happened -- couldn't protect them from themselves -- couldn't control their actions -- couldn't stop an army at their heels on either side. Course all of that sane, sound, logical reason ended at a wall named Faustite-- but he could only give up so much of everything before something snapped off!

"Nectaris.... I cant," hissed raw, as if he'd just poured the words out over a cup of sharp tacs and decided to drink them back up. Blame came with consequences, didn't it? He didn't want to be that consequence. Not for her, but could he avoid it any longer if he admitted that she was entirely in her own control and at fault for some things? At fault for everything she claimed to be? That would make everyone else right, wouldn't it? Would make him wrong, this wrong, and he didn't want that---

Loving her couldn't be wrong, could it?

"I do love you, and because I love you...." he couldn't look at her now, not at either of them, could only step back from where she'd centered herself. She was going to have to be upset with him. He could take that far more easily than he could anything else. The people he loved couldn't do any wrong, even when they did. They weren't traitors, just misguided, tricked, deceived, traumatized! s**t had happened to them and he forgave them the way they acted *now* because of all that s**t which had surely had to have happened then. ********, even if he let everything else go and agreed that Nectaris had made a whole choice all her own, and that No -- he wasn't going to push on her to rejoin them and drape herself in darkness once more --- He couldn't possibly blame her. How could he? How was that fair or respectful of anyone?! Sure he got called out when he was wrong, he was always wrong, a little bit of course correction was just ******** right! Sylvite had never been wrong though -- and if she thought she was, hadn't giving up all her memories been penance enough for those past acts?

But she wanted her to blame him for -- for --

"I'm so sorry.." not to the both of them, because what did he really have to be sorry to Fulgurite for? What even would his apologies mean, just then? The guy didn't want them, didn't trust them, probably hadn't ever liked him or Faustite or any of the team at all. Fulgs was all caught up and bitter over being threatened just a little bit. Lame. Not that it mattered becasue he was getting the good part of the deal -- he got Syrus -- he got to know Alexa as Nikki. Cake and frosting both and Fulgs would probably get to eat it too.

Couldn't blame the guy for that, even, could he? Hell, he'd always pegged Fulgurite as a good person who'd paid his dues long ago, even if most of that was just the glittery, pink, rose colored glasses sheen of Fulgurite having been Sylvites subordinate -- someone she loved. Someone he should love. Especially since Fulgs wasn't standing there being an a** just to be one, he had all his own unknowable views, n beliefs, n morals that weren't for Albites eyes. Guy could say whatever n get a pass on it, probably. Course for all that Albite thought those thoughts he also recognized his own hypocrisy, hated himself for thinking the things that were fine for him to do were not fine for anyone else...

And the nearest ledge was right there for him to walk right the ******** off-----

He didn't make for it though.

Pulled for darkness and stepped back through the void into nothing and nowhere at all.

He never ran from fights, but this? This thing that felt to him not even like a fight, but a massacre. From all of the overwhelming truth, and politeness, and light of ******** day facts that he wasn't ready to deal with emotionally, in the slightest, maybe not ever at all.

From this he ran.

He loved her, so- what?

He loved her, so the only thing that he was capable of doing was putting her on a pedestal? He loved her, so he was refusing to see the full picture, the part where she had flaws and made decisions that hurt people, where she was trying to be good but in doing so she couldn't be perfect? He loved her, so he was going to push all his bad feelings about it onto Fulgurite, who, Nikki wanted to point out, was one of the most important people to her, and worse than that, he was going to do it while she was standing right there?

Then, once she'd had to physically place herself between the two of them, to stop him from being rude to Fulg, or from trying to push things onto him, since he wouldn't listen when she told him with her words, and when she'd called him out for the pedestal thing, and asked him to act like an adult and respect her like a human?

He'd vanished.

Vanished!

Nectaris made a small choked noise in the back of her throat, but she was getting better at holding herself back, because she didn't scream, or loudly start telling her opinions about just freaking running away to the air where Albite had just been.

Instead, her staff clattered to the floor. For a second, she was perfectly still.

Then she was turning on her heels, walking over to Fulgurite, and collapsing headfirst into his chest. "Not your fault," she said, without looking up at him. "I mean, not to go against my whole little speech there and say you couldn't have possibly been behind this, but, like? The farther we got in that conversation the more I realized this wasn't about you at all."

She almost regretted telling him he could summon Fuglrite in the first place, but on the other hand, Albite hadn't been wrong about that. Having all three of them together had totally made things clearer.

"I get why you think he's a buttface, now," she told him, finally shifting enough that she could see his face.

"It's because he's a buttface."

"Again, it's not you with the friction or whatever," she said, and sighed, collapsing even heavier against him.

"I think part of that might be me? Like, I dunno." Her chin was on his collarbone, her head tilted up so she could kind of see his eyes. Her brain was racing, and she was definitely blaming people right now, but Fulgurite was not one of them.
His presence was all that was keeping her from totally exploding, since he didn't deserve to see that and think he'd somehow made it worse.

"I remembered that I loved him. After I purified? Like, I saw him and I just knew, and that hasn't happened much at all with me, and I wanted to hold onto that. I didn't wanna betray anything more than I already had? And, like, he's been okayish with me, mostly."

She couldn't hold it all back, but instead of sobs, or screams, it was coming out as words.

"And, like, the kissing? It's fun."

A soft blush came to her cheeks, because it felt like a weird thing to talk about with someone else she'd been kissing, but it felt dishonest to leave that part out of it.

"So, like, I've just been trying really hard to make it work, even though there's all this stuff that makes it feel like it shouldn't. Like, my brother doesn't like him, either. He gets all freaked out that I'm with him, I can't talk about Albite without giving him a panic attack 'cause he thinks- I dunno. That he's too dangerous, that he can't be saved? And, like, Faustite doesn't like us together, either, and he just hates me, he tried to murder me real hard that one time. And then, afterwards, I told him to die. And, like, there's some questionable stuff in the database about him that I've just not been thinking about?"

The words came faster and faster, and there were no sobs, but the tears were leaking out of her eyes.

"So, like, there's been tension. I just didn't wanna see it, I guess."

It felt weird to admit.

"But I'll see it, if that's what it takes to protect you."

"I get it, if you feel bad," said Nikki. "That was kinda intense." She gave a short, almost bitter laugh. There was no getting around the fact that this night was full of bad feelings, and just because Fulgurite was the one caught in the middle and not, like, someone to blame didn't mean that any of this was going to be any easier on him. She wiped at her own eyes, 'cause emotions sure were high all around.

"Just, know that I'm not upset at you, 'kay? Also, that I'm glad you're still in my life. Like, really glad."

She'd felt it with him a little bit, too, when they met. Not something that she was sure was love, but when she heard they'd been teammates, she'd known that she wanted to be there for him forever, the same way as she knew that she wanted to try to make things work with Albite from the second she knew they'd been dating.

"Although, I'm kinda glad we didn't start kissing and stuff until afterwards," she told him. "Not that I wouldn't try to make it work with you, too, but, like, I dunno. It means I don't have to ask if I'm doing it out of obligation, or to try to connect with the stuff I don't remember, or whatever."

Not that she'd been asking herself those questions about Albite before, but she sure was asking about it now.

"I mean, I guess protecting you's from obligation and that stuff, but the romance? That's all new."

She stood on her tiptoes to press her lips against his, then pulled back with a soft smile.

"It's something we can, like, explore together, with all the cards on the table."