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 Posted: Sat Apr 23, 2022 4:50 am
Once more, Devyn let himself sink into the couch. The crackers were gone, and he’d moved onto a bit of jerky. Michael painted a pretty picture, himself; there might not have been a canvas to lay colors on, but his words were more than enough.
It was so domestic. It was charming. It was kind, and thoughtful.
He hadn’t decorated in–when had he? Paintings on the wall, blankets on the bed. Had he ever picked out furniture? Most of it had been in his room when he’d arrived, and his Council had brought him what he’d asked for while he was settling in.
If ever he’d needed anything after that, he’d had Percy.
“You have very good ideas. I like your plans.”
Even in Sessrumnir’s chill, he felt warm.
There were options–good options, all of them. More than enough to look forward to–more than enough to keep him busy. And Michael seemed to be invested in them.
Devyn found comfort in the possibilities. Cleaning grease had never sounded so appealing. “It’s too bad you don’t still have horses, I mostly got along with them. Cars are–well, I’ve only been in yours so far. Let me sleep in it one of these nights, I’ll get used to it. I’m not at my best right now. But I’m interested in this bike.”
And music, and movies, but far less so than Michael offering to read to him. Which probably wasn’t as personal as it sounded, he was a teacher. He was probably used to reading to people. But, Devyn had liked the poem he’d read–recited, really. He couldn’t remember all of it, but he remembered how Michael sounded, and the few lines that stuck with him.
He could listen to him read anything and enjoyed it, probably.
He didn’t need a fancy room, or new furniture, or freshly painted walls, but there was some sort of permanence with the idea that Michael proposed, like he really trusted that Devyn was going to stay for long enough for those efforts to be worth it.
It wasn’t just providing furniture, having him pick it out–inviting Devyn to pick things for Michael’s house. Letting him have something of his there. Devyn wouldn’t have known that Michael’s house looked like it wasn’t personalized, but then, he still had a lot to learn about Earth things.
And, he would let him hang up paintings. More than just choose Earth pieces to define a room, but to bring personal things into it.
“Your mother puts new frames on them? How do you know when they need one?” Did they need to be freshened up? What if he was insulting Percy’s vision? What if he did it wrong? “I don’t have an eye for those things. Do you think she’d be willing to help me?”
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Posted: Sat Apr 23, 2022 5:54 am
“Mom doesn’t put them on herself, but she’ll have it custom made by a specialist,” Michael explained. “She’s pretty good at picking out frames that will help make the piece stand out more. She likes to say that the frame is a piece of art on its own, so if you want to make the painting or photo stand out, you might have to go with something that doesn’t take the spotlight. But I think she would love to help. It might be a good distraction for her, to help with something like that.”
He felt bad for not being around his mother as often as they both would have liked. He felt too much guilt about what happened, and he didn’t know how it would be received with him there, since he’d always been told he was the spitting image of Beau Gallo. Just younger.
“Earth does have horses, but with so many cars around it’s not usually safe for them to be in the city. Paris’ cousin works with horses. Actually, I think she’s a vet now, so she works with a lot of animals,” he hummed as he took another bite of the jerky he was now working on. “If you want to sleep in the car you can…” he said, not sure if he should be amused or concerned. “We’ll get a bike for you, though.”
Michael paused for a moment, still watching Devyn and trying to gauge his reactions to his suggestions. He seemed to be willing to try all of these things, and that was good. But he was still worried about him.
“It’s okay to not be at your best, Dev… You’ve been through a lot. You’re allowed to breathe.”
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Posted: Sat Apr 23, 2022 6:23 am
For a few seconds, Devyn didn’t reply. The pause wasn’t anything substantial, and maybe he was just taking his time to chew the food in his mouth. He’d nodded along when Michael mentioned his mother helping, because–honestly, if picking out a frame was meant to be an art in itself, he didn’t want to mess that up. Devyn had a good eye for aesthetics, but when it came to paintings, he was at a loss.
They were too important for him to mess up, and he would have felt better with someone who knew what they were doing. And, if she’d like a distraction, he had many.
He didn’t particularly want to sleep in the car, but he didn’t want to be uncomfortable in it. It seemed like it was the major function of transportation, and it was small and cramped and moved quickly and had a lot of pieces that–to be fair, he was interested in, but as a whole the car wasn’t a particularly pleasant thing.
It was just new, and different.
Like someone reassuring him.
It had been a long time since anyone said something like that to him, and admittedly, it took him a few seconds before it sank in and he understood. Most of the time, people just expected him to do something. Needed him too. He’d done things for so long, held what he could together for so long that the idea of him taking time to breathe seemed absolutely foreign to him.
If he wasn’t moving, he felt like he was letting someone down. He was still here, obviously he had things to do. And if he stopped now–
He hadn’t let himself stop for so long. Maybe he didn’t know how to. There might always be a guilty whisper in the back of his head, nagging at him for not doing more. For taking the time to get distracted, for thinking he deserved any sort of break.
But, he had been through a lot. He was tired. He didn’t remember the last time he didn’t have the weight of a world crushing down on his shoulders.
He hadn’t been at his best in a very long time. The idea of that being okay was–
Comforting, in a way. But it made him want to be at his best, because now more than ever, he had a lot to do. He had people to disappoint again, and he didn’t want to add to Michael’s list of troubles. He didn’t want to be another thing he had to deal with.
“Those are kind words,” he said finally. “The same could be said for you, though. When was the last time you just took a break to breathe?”
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Posted: Sat Apr 23, 2022 9:22 am
Michael wondered if it was taking Devyn some time to process what he’d said. He’d been fighting to keep Chaos at bay on his world for hundreds of years. Michael could tell that Devyn rarely slept. Devyn basically admitted it himself. Having a place that was safe to close his eyes for more than a few minutes at a time was unheard of before he arrived on Earth.
And Michael had every intention of making sure Devyn felt as safe as humanly possible. Give him a chance to breathe and rest and recover. Regain his strength so he could become an Eternal again.
“I hope you don’t take offense to this,” Michael said as he crossed his arms over his chest and leaned his shoulder against the back of the couch. “But I’m a lot younger than you.”
It was difficult to keep a straight face. He knew what Devyn meant though, and physically Devyn was likely younger than Michael was. But Michael also didn’t have hundreds of years of sleepless nights to try and catch up on.
“It’s easier to breathe when you’re around,” he admitted before he could think better of it. All of this open honesty was starting to worry him. What if he started revealing deeper secrets? Ones that would convince Devyn that maybe he should look for someone else to stay with, starseed be damned.
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Posted: Sat Apr 23, 2022 9:36 am
Initially, Devyn snorted because–what, was Michael calling him old?
…Was he old?
Maybe technically. But he didn’t feel old. Did he?
He hadn’t thought about it. Time, and the passing of it, was a persisting mystery. He was tired. Had been tired for a long time. He was worn down. Still here, though. He wasn’t sure if he was still young or old, or if time even applied to him.
He didn’t feel wise, or satisfied with his life, or ready to sit by while his body slowly started to shut down. But he wasn’t quite young anymore, either.
Out of time and out of place.
But it didn’t seem so bad when he was sitting next to Michael.
“Yeah? Why’s that?” he asked. He turned just slightly to look at him. The snacks were ignored, Michael had wrestled all of his attention.
And, Devyn sort of liked that. Being caught up on someone else, something different. His mind wasn’t constantly twisting around problems, trying to solve things that had no answer. He didn’t have to think about where his next meal was going to come from, or if he’d find somewhere safe to rest briefly, or if something was going to attack him while his guard was down. There were places his mind went when he was alone, but never when Michael was nearby.
Maybe there were other factors, maybe it wasn’t just Michael.
But, Devyn couldn’t help but notice how easy it was to just breathe right now.
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Posted: Sat Apr 23, 2022 10:05 am
Michael wondered if he should regret not being able to keep his mouth shut. Of course Devyn would want to know why it was easier for him, but he didn’t really have a concrete answer. It wasn’t really anything he thought about -- it just was.
He lifted his shoulders in a stubborn shrug, but couldn’t quite meet Devyn’s eye. Not when his face felt warmer than it had a few moments before Devyn decided to ask him why.
“Must be your shampoo,” he grumbled in his flustration. “Smells nice, or whatever.” Yeah, that made sense because if something smelled nice then it was definitely easier to breathe.
No, that was a horrible excuse and he knew it. How was he supposed to expect Devyn to be honest with him if he couldn’t at least try to come up with an actual reason.
“When I’m around other people, it’s like there’s an extra weight of expectation. Even if they don’t have any expectation. I have to be better, more experienced, stronger, smarter… all of that. Because if I’m not and I let them down, then what’s the point of me even being around? With you… I don’t know, it feels like you’ve felt that same way. Maybe I’m wrong, but I guess it cancels out some of the anxiety I have.”
It wasn’t the best explanation, and he still couldn’t look at Devyn, but he tried.
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Posted: Sat Apr 23, 2022 10:39 am
Devyn could have laughed, might have, and maybe even taken the opportunity to remind Michael that he was borrowing his shampoo. He expected Michael to just shrug off an answer and change the subject, and he was already prepared to move on without giving him any grief.
But then, Michael answered, and Devyn found himself holding his breath to make sure he didn’t miss any of it.
He hummed thoughtfully, mulled over the words, and then finally nodded. He didn’t take his eyes off of Michael; he wasn’t shy or self conscious about it. Michael was right, after all.
“No, you’re not wrong at all. That describes it pretty well. Have to meet their expectations because if they start doubting you, they stop wanting you around. You stop being useful, you start being a liability. And then when you can’t do what they want you to do–what they need you to do–they start to resent you. Even when you’re doing your best, if it’s not enough, that’s all there is. And it’s like everything you’ve done up until that point doesn’t matter, because you couldn’t do one thing, and that’s all they’ll remember.”
A few seconds of silence, and then he shrugged and sighed. Tired, not as dramatic as he could sometimes be. It sounded more like he might have been glad to have a weight off his chest.
“I’m not perfect. But you know that. You will know that, if you keep having Percy’s memories. You’ll see me weak, and vulnerable, and not at my best, and insecure. I tried to be the best that I could for him but sometimes I came undone, and he was always there to help put me back together. It’s a lot of pressure. I don’t think people are supposed to deal with it on their own. I let him see the side of me that I couldn’t let anyone else know about. And it was a relief to know that there was even just one person I could relax around. To know that it didn’t matter if I messed up, or if I needed help. He never made me feel like I wasn’t enough. And I won’t let you feel that way, either. I don’t have expectations for you. You can’t let me down.”
And, he really couldn’t. Michael was a person, not a machine. Not something infallible and unfeeling and designed with precision. It was impossible to be everything that everyone needed. And thinking you had to be that way was enough to ruin a person.
“If I hadn’t met Percy, I might have gone mad. If he hadn’t been there to see me, to validate me, yeah. I see how I could have gone down a bad path. I mean, I’ve got it in me. I am Sailor Alastor. And when I’m reborn, I’ll still be Alastor. And I just hope that the next one meets someone who can help him like Percy helped me.”
He watched Michael for a second and then nudged him with his elbow lightly. “No pressure. But I’ll probably come looking for you then, too.”
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Posted: Sat Apr 23, 2022 4:51 pm
He wanted to believe that. He wanted to believe that someone could have no expectations for him, just as he had no expectations for them. Devyn had survived this long -- that had to be good enough. It wasn’t fair to keep pushing and expecting more and more from him. Michael wanted to support him and encourage him for whatever he wanted to do with his life, which included getting rid of the Chaos on his world and on Earth and hopefully helping others in the process, but as an individual? Maybe just the expectation for him to keep his promises. Which he had done so far.
Michael snorted softly with the nudge of Devyn’s elbow, but he relaxed some, and was able to lower his arms from being crossed defensively over his chest. Once again, it was easy to be around Devyn. He didn’t feel like he had to work at being different to accommodate him. They both just… were.
“I’m glad you met Percy then. Definitely wouldn’t have lasted this long without him, I don’t think,” he said as he once again leaned more heavily against the back of the couch, placing his arm over the back of it to get comfortable.
“And I’ll try to not make it too difficult to find me. Might want to get on Cosmos’ good side. Maybe she’ll repay a favor or something.”
In the past it was likely easy for Senshi who knew each other to find each other. They were reborn, so it was just a matter of being told and meeting up. For knights…? And now that Earth seems to be the only place Senshi are being born? It could get a bit more complicated than that. There was no guarantee. How he and Devyn crossed paths in the first place was nothing short of a miracle. Or fate intervening if someone fell for that stuff.
“Thanks, Dev… I appreciate it. I’ll still do my best not to let you down, though. Even with the bar lowered.”
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Posted: Sat Apr 23, 2022 5:13 pm
Briefly, when Michael mentioned getting on Cosmos’ good side, Devyn’s face twisted like he’d caught a foul smell in the air. She hadn’t exactly been helpful so far, and if he’d held a grudge for a thousand years, he could absolutely hold it for a thousand more.
“You can’t let me down,” Devyn said again, and let it hang in the air.
“There’s no bar. You’re you, and I’m glad for it. Whatever you are, whoever you are, that’s good enough for me. Do your best. That’s it. I don’t think you’re the sort to half a** something, and if you don’t have the strength to do it alone, just ask. Or, don’t ask, just tell me what you need. The answer’s always going to be yes, so it’s not really a question of if I’ll help. Whatever I have, I’ll give you. I don’t care what it is, I won’t think less of you. If you’re too tired to get out of bed in the morning and want breakfast, just yell. I’ll go make you some cereal.”
He shrugged, because it didn’t have to be something big, or world shattering.
“Life’s hard. And the way I see it, it sounds like you’ve been trying to carry your problems, and everyone else’s, by yourself. You deserve a break. Or, at least, to know that you’ve got backup. And not just when you need it, whenever you want it. I’ll split the burden. Whatever it is.”
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Posted: Sat Apr 23, 2022 6:35 pm
He tried to keep the small smile on his face as Devyn spoke, he really did. He could feel it faltering and by the time he looked away again, he’d relented and just let it fall, otherwise it would have been obvious that he was trying too hard. It might have already been obvious.
Michael didn’t think it was fair. It wasn’t fair that Percy died so young. It wasn’t fair that Devyn had to live a thousand years without someone who had clearly made him happy, someone he loved dearly. It wasn’t fair that his heart was racing now, over just a few kind words. It wasn’t fair that he didn’t know if Devyn would say the same, if he didn’t have Percy’s starseed.
His eyes felt hot, and he grit his teeth to try and keep the swirling emotions at bay. That wasn’t fair, either. That Devyn could disarm him so easily. That he could make those kinds of promises. That he could offer to help no matter what. To split the burden.
And that was really all he needed. He didn’t need someone to take his burdens from him. It was his choice to be weighed down by them. But sometimes it got to be too much, too heavy, too exhausting.
“I don’t think we dusted enough out here,” he mumbled as he ultimately had to rub his eyes and nose with his sleeve. But he nodded, even as he pressed his lips together to keep himself from getting too worked up about something as simple as an offer to make cereal.
He hoped that Devyn knew he would do the same, but he was afraid that if he opened his mouth he would do something stupid. Like cry.
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Posted: Sat Apr 23, 2022 7:40 pm
Maybe Devyn understood that it wasn’t really dust. Maybe.
But it wouldn’t have mattered if it wasn’t, it’s not like he was going to mention–what, emotions? Michael wasn’t making a big deal out of it, Devyn shouldn’t either. And, if he’d rather blame the dust, that was fine.
…He’d definitely blamed the dust for what his eyes had done a few hours ago.
Even if he knew that wasn’t completely true.
“We definitely did not,” Devyn agreed. “I don’t think we dusted out here at all. Everything we did in the bedroom probably moved out here. Princess’ tail definitely didn’t help, she had it going off for a while after we got in bed. But we’ll get it all, there’s plenty of time still. Maybe not this trip. If we need to head back early, that’s okay. But. We’ll get there. We’ve got time.”
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Posted: Sat Apr 23, 2022 8:16 pm
”We’ve got time,” Michael agreed, and looked at the blanket and his cape over his lap, and then up at Devyn finally before nodding. “If you’re okay with it, let’s head back. We won’t get anything done if we’re both exhausted.”
He paused, shook his head and corrected himself.
“We won’t get anything done if I’m exhausted. Or at least not as much. And the instant coffee I brought isn’t as good as the stuff I have at home,” he added, because obviously that was important.
“Let me say goodbye to Princess before recalling her,” he requested, because while he would like to let her run free at Sessrumnir while he was gone, he really didn’t know when they might need her.
“Devyn,” he said after a moment, pausing as he made to start getting up. “Thank you.”
It wasn’t everything that he wanted to say, but he didn’t think his throat could work around the words very easily at the moment.
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Posted: Sat Apr 23, 2022 8:29 pm
Naturally, Devyn looked to the open bedroom door with a brief look of sadness, because he didn’t want to say goodbye to Princess.
…But, they’d be back. And soon. Probably sooner than she’d know, if she was just sleeping in the fang until she was summoned again. Michael probably already guessed that Devyn would want to say goodbye to her, too, so he had no complaints about it.
He rose from the couch and absentmindedly held out a hand to help pull Michael up.
He didn’t tell Michael that he didn’t have to thank him because he suspected it wouldn’t change anything. So, he just smiled, tired and reassuring, because he’d meant all of it, and he wasn’t going to let Michael think he was the only one not getting any sleep up here.
“I’m really glad to be here, Michael. So thank you, too. For everything.”
What he could say, and what he couldn’t. “I’m going to take you up on that offer and grab a few things to take back to Earth, and I want to say goodbye to Princess, too, but I’ll be ready in a minute.”
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