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Yvaine just randomly told me my tits look fantastic this evening after dinner. I told her “Thank you, they’ve been really sensitive and could use some cheering up” and we joked about it until I fell over in the middle of a dizzy fit. Then we laughed even more. When Luana got back we just sat around the room talking. Luana and I talked about our crushes on Jaren for most of our school years. Luana’s was really no surprise to anyone, but apparently I surprised both of them with mine. Yvaine said she’d rather date Jaren’s girlfriends than the man himself, which also wasn’t a surprise, and we ranked all his girlfriends we could remember.

Luana also told us she and James are probably going to break up after graduation. She wants to be an independent potioneer and work at her uncle’s lab in Brighton. James is hard set on playing Quidditch for Northern Ireland. It’s going to be weird with them not being together. Meanwhile, Yvaine’s parents already have three marriage candidates for her once she’s back; I told her we could always run away together if she hated all of them. But she loves her family too much to actually run away with a girl. I think we all knew that. Luana finally pointed out that if Yvaine gets that position as an assistant to Welsh representative to the International Confederation of Wizards, she’ll at least be travelling enough for work to avoid her intended.

When they asked if I had anyone in mind, I didn’t really know what to say. My whole school life was crushing on Jaren or his girlfriends, and then he graduated, and now I find myself daydreaming about his brother. There was that season Yvaine and I dated, but while I still love her dearly, I know we broke up for a reason. But Julius is still nice. I like this feeling, even if it hurts sometimes.

I’m going to miss this.

I accepted Captain Aindrias’s offer. The opportunity is too good, and even if it doesn’t turn into a full time position, I’ll have a season of adventure under my belt. If Gringotts doesn’t accept me again, I can apply to the French equivalent or something. Worst comes to worst I’ll just do the family trade business.

That was before I threw up yesterday morning. Then again this morning. The girls confronted me this morning, asking if I’d ever slept with a guy, so I told them about Alexei. It was a relief getting it all off my chest, coming clean, and not fearing talking about it. I was surprisingly steady. It’s nice. Yvaine nearly stormed over to the boy’s dorms and murdered Alexei right then and there, which was a bonus.

I admitted there was someone else, but I didn’t give them Julius’s name. Not yet. He took my advice seriously and has been talking to Edaline. I won’t jeopardize the possibility of his happiness in a moment of my own weakness. I know what the girls are thinking, but I took potion afterwards so we should be okay, right? My period is plenty irregular anyways. Sure I’ve gained a bit of weight, but that’s just because of the cakes.

Then I got nauseous after Dueling. I didn’t throw up but spent the rest of the morning in the bathroom and didn’t finish the reading I was going to do for Captain Aindrias. I was on my way out to the viaduct but saw Julius there with Edaline, having a little picnic, and turned back immediately. I didn’t know what I would say to him, especially not in front of the girl he likes. The girls have to be wrong. There’s no way. Not now.

Captain Aindrias surprised me by meeting me in person in Hogsmeade today. His message said to meet at Hog’s Head Inn again but I figured he’d meant via fire. He was younger than I expected? And darker? Taller. I don’t know what I expected.

He was very understanding. Unexpectedly so? He congratulated me when I told him I wanted to keep my son, and asked if I still wanted to join them on this voyage. I think I was expecting a rejection, and was so relieved I almost started bawling then and there. (Thankfully I kept it together.) Captain Aindrias walked me through our options. He mentioned a Healer on the crew and checking with them if they would be comfortable performing my check ups. We talked about resources and accomodations.

I told him I’d “stopped in with Madam Montague--our school matron-- and she’s given me a clean bill of health, but said I’ll need regular check ups once I’m graduated.” Thankfully, I had a list of Healer recommendations at St. Mungo from Luana’s resources to sell the story. He asked if the father was still in the picture--if room should be made for him on board or if he was available on shore--but thankfully didn’t pry when I said he wasn’t. Captain Aindrias just asked me to think about my plans after my son was born and let him know. By the time we finished, I thanked him profusely and he said he’d see me in a few weeks in Galway.

When I got back to the castle I tore through the rest of the preparatory readings he’d sent me. A lot of the magizoology reports were written by an A. Z. Aindrias and some of the writing was so beautiful I teared up a little. I never thought I’d shed a tear reading a paper about the acidity of grindlylow urea. Not sure if I should chalk that up to the poetry of the writing or my own hormones, lol. But now that I’ve seen the charisma in-person I guess it makes sense.

I have to hit the ground running with three weeks of boot camp-style training--Captain Aindrias knows an old cursebreaker who could train me. I can stay at her house in Brighton while training and get check ups from the Healer that will be on board with us. In a single conversation everything crystallized into something--well, something concrete.

The migraines have let up. I feel more clear headed than ever. I should’ve done this before NEWTs.

So I’m pretty good with apparition, but I figured I didn’t want to take the chance. There’s always a chance I or the other person splinch my son. Portkeys and Floo are safer, but I was still kind of uncomfortable. Thankfully, Luana the miracle worker not only understood, but had the resources for a cover story. We took an Abraxan chariot from London to Brighton, then her uncle joined us for the trip to Portsmouth. Officially, it’s “for business”. Luana said he needed a change of pace, and I got him a meeting with Papa. Papa deals primarily in luxury items and enchantments and Luana and her uncle’s lab does basic potions, herbs and spells research so I’m not sure what they might talk about, but Papa always says a connection is a connection.

I was born in this manor house. Papa runs his business here when he’s in England. When she was 36 weeks pregnant with me, Mother got angry with Papa and tried apparating directly back to the home manor in France. Something went terribly wrong and instead of home, she just appeared outside, in the fish pond. She thought she had splinched herself, but she had spliched me--straight out of her. Or something like that. I was told there was a lot of blood, and the Healers freaked out about both of us. But thanks to the wonders of modern magic, both Mother and I recovered. Since I started at Hogwarts, we’ve alternated breaks here and in France. Mother doesn’t like this place. I think it’s why she doesn’t like me, but Arietta always denies it.

The moment she saw me at home, Mother called me fat. She proceeded to lecture me on my clothes, and mentioned on three separate occasions that evening that my job was “a silly younger-generational farce that made barely a pittance but at least you have a job”. Arietta talked my ear off as she helped me pack what I wanted for Brighton and then the Solus. Papa joined us at dinner and asked a few questions about the Solus’s project.

They had a graduation gift for me: Finch, the house-elf I had pulled out of a bad contract last year. Captain Aindrias’s free elf fell through, so I offered to take Finch with me and he said he would add the sum meant for the elf to my wages. It’s not a lot, but it’ll be enough to make sure Finch is properly fed and taken care of. I already swore her to secrecy on the matter of my son. For everything else, I just told her we were going to be on a ship for work. She seemed pretty excited to be traveling with me.

Every day since I’ve been back Mother has found time to lecture me about my clothes, or weight, my lack of a boyfriend, my job. Arietta says she means well. I told her if she’d seen the Howlers I get, she wouldn’t think so. Luana says she probably cares, just doesn’t know how to express it. I didn’t know what to say: Luana’s mother left when she was six and never came back.

Even if Mother wasn’t infuriating enough, I’ve been sore and tender all week. My stomach and groin aching I can deal with. It’s the backache and thighs that get to me. Also I swear my fingers got fatter. I don’t like it. I feel like an ugly lump.

Sneaking around is hard. I spend as much time as I can in my room packing, rereading reports or drawing. Finch has taken to sleeping on my couch, so she can wake me up or hide the bump if someone comes at night. She also sneaks me extra portions so I don't draw suspicion at meals. She looked up massages for my back and legs, which helped. Arietta nearly caught me coming out of the shower but I brushed it off by saying I just got fat stress-eating for exams. I hate lying to her and Papa, but they can’t know.

I can’t wait for Friday when Luana and I leave.

That master cursebreaker Captain Aindrias mentioned? Jae Sook “Liane” Park. She’s a pain in the a**.

So I was pretty excited to meet her. But she’s this small, ancient-looking woman who took one look at me and was like “Honey why are you going out? What is your husband thinking? This is work, not pleasure-cruise!” She lectured me for a quarter hour then got up, saying she needed to “talk to Azim, he is being crazy.”

Well I wasn’t about to just give up, so I hung around the training room and started looking around. She had framed sketches of objects, maps of her adventures, and a bookcase in a dozen languages. She still wasn’t back. I didn’t know what was happening and I couldn’t hear what was going on, so I flipped through some of the books left out and found from a set of lesson notes that she’d booby-trapped her house for some kind of “initial assessment”. Lesson objectives? “Perception, Curiosity, Resourcefulness”. Finally, I tried following where she had and found out she did indeed have wards and traps set up. I worked my way through-- the binder of lesson notes was quite helpful, though not as much as you would’ve thought-- and broke them piece by piece until I found her in the tea room in the back, calmly drinking tea. Then she proceeded to give me an assessment of my performance and then showed me a bunch of drills, some which I recognized as being described elsewhere in the binder . At the end of the day? “Good, go take a shower. Your room will be here.”

I swear, she could communicate a little! I kept the binder though. She has good notes, and drills for everything. I’m excited. She obviously knows what she’s doing.