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 Posted: Wed Jul 19, 2023 10:16 am
Rhona nodded as Xi gave permission to tell his story. She was honored that he trusted her with something so precious, and not for the first time she realized the life she had made for herself was more than she could have ever dreamed. More than she had a right to ask for. But was hers all the same. A beautiful girlfriend. Wonderful friends. A business. A purpose from the stars.
And her brother back.
So deep was she in her thankful reverie that she missed what Misha had muttered into his tea.
“What was that?”
“I said. You aren’t taking this. Even remotely. ********. Seriously. Micah. Elizabeth. Ann.”
Her old name again. Spoken with more vehemence than she’d ever heard. Especially in the voice in which she heard it. And when Misha looked up at her with fire in his eyes, Rhona realized that she had given thanks all too soon. She should have known. She should have known that this would not be a seamless and picture perfect reunion. She hadn’t vanished through some cruel turn of the universe. She had left. She knew that she had left.
And now Misha knew that she had left.
He demanded his answers with a voice so deadly even that Rhona could only nod, slack jawed, as she held onto the counter behind her for balance and search her addled brain for the answers which Misha deserved.
“Misha I --” how was she planning on finishing that sentence? What did she want to tell him? How could she even begin to explain the whole terrible feud with Bischofite? Her futile war against him? That she knew, even then, it was a trifle to him but everything to her.
She didn’t get the chance to even think about the next words before Misha cut her off. It wasn’t anything new… she watched her parent’s marriage dissolve in the wake of her “death.” Watched them pack their things in separate vans and leave in separate cars. He watched Misha go off to college and come home to visit less and less until he finally stopped coming home at all.
But that didn’t mean it didn’t kill her when Misha threw it at her like a knife.
“Misha, I think you should sit,” she gasped, fixing her gaze on the floor beneath her because the fury in her brother’s gaze was too much for her to handle.
More demands for answers that Rhona had to give.
“I was trying to save you, I -- ”
“YOU CONDEMNED ME TO HELL!”
Rhona would have screamed if there was any strength left in her voice. So instead she shut her mouth with painful swiftness and shrank back against the counter so heavily that she sagged against it.
Before I go back to Indiana to live the rest of my goddamn life without a sister…
That had been the killing blow. Rhona’s arms gave way and she slipped to the floor, gasping for air as panic seized her heart and lungs. Still, she tried to answer, however weak and faded her voice may have been.
“There was… blood… on my hands… so much blood…”
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Posted: Wed Jul 19, 2023 10:24 am
He’d heard the words whispered into the others mug, and it sent an alarm ringing in his head. Something was about to happen - something bad. He’d grown up with a mother who had, as he’d gotten older, taken to yelling and shouting at him. He knew the signs before a blow up and he was sure he was seeing it all again.
As much as he wanted to hide, to leave through a mirror, he didn’t leave and rather stood rooted to his spot. He listened as Rhona’s brother seemed to finally lose his cool and shout, and yell, at his sister. Rhona didn’t handle it well, though who would? He had for a moment expected her to yell back or be her usual self...she wasn’t though. She was the opposite of what he expected and it sent him reeling for a moment as he tried to grasp this, this new and unexpected sight before him.
Rhona was on the ground and having issues breathing...a panic attack or something perhaps? He’d seen them before, at rallies his mother had dragged him to, when people got too upset and emotional over something. It was rare but it had happened and he’d seen it.
“Rhona!” Shouting, he moved towards her and knelt down at her side. “Rhona...please, please focus. There isn’t any blood - no blood. None on your hands.” Looking up towards her brother. “I don’t know what happened...or - or why she left and didn’t say anything...didn’t correct what you thought. B-but I’m sure there was a reason.” Or she wouldn’t be talking about blood on her hands, she wouldn’t be in a panic.
“Just help me move her?” Was that a good idea? He wasn’t sure but he really wasn’t thinking, hadn’t even noticed that he’d dropped the mug he’d had. The floor was covered in broken pieces and spilled tea, something for them to handle later.
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Posted: Wed Jul 19, 2023 10:29 am
Misha knew he had been wrong. He knew that he had let himself go. He knew Micah’s panic attack was his fault. But that didn’t stop the new rush of anger that swept through him as she fell to the floor.
What right do you have to this grief? What right do you have to feel anything other than remorse?
Shame would follow hot on the heels of his anger as soon as it died away, but for now that wildfire was all he had. And because of that he didn’t want to pick his sister up off of the floor. He didn’t want to sit her down with more dignity. He didn’t want to reassure her. He wanted her to mourn. To weep. To suffer as he had.
When the young man assured Misha that there had been a reason, he nearly scoffed. What reason could there possibly have been for abandoning her family? What was a good enough explanation? The simple answer was there wasn’t one. No matter what Micah said, Misha would never accept it. They had promised to face everything together. The good, the bad, and the worse. All of it, together as a team.
And she’d left him.
Left him for who, this guy? Some random stranger who crawls through mirrors? Did she call him brother? Did she promise that she’d never leave him, no matter what? Misha spat a curse under his breath and crouched down to grab Micah by the wrists. He held her hands up to her eyes, knowing full well that she wouldn’t be able to see them. Not really.
When she flinched away with a small yelp, curling her hands and arms into her body, the shame Misha knew would come overtook his rage.
He had done this. He had reduced his sister to this. Misha knew his sister like he knew his own mind, and once he would have chosen her happiness over his every time. Why was now different? He was supposed to be the collected one. The calm one. The rock. The one she came to when everything else was falling apart because he was always there.
“Micah, listen to me,” he finally whispered, holding on to the sides of her head though she tried to squirm away. “Listen to me and the sound of my voice. That’s all. Nothing else. Listen to my breathing. Make yours match mine.” Silence as Micah complied, forcing her gasps to match his even breaths.
“Good. Now focus on the feeling of my hands on our face. Nothing else. My voice. My breathing. My hands.” And on he went. Out and out and out as Micah regained control, reintroducing her to the feeling on the earth beneath in legs. The counter at her back. The sounds of the house settling around her. Until finally her eyes opened and locked on his, wordless litanies pouring into his mind as though they hadn’t been apart for more than an hour.
Silence passed between them for several long moments before Misha hauled Micah up and set her gently in the chair opposite him. He left her to regain her footing as he got her a glass of water -- after much rummaging -- and retook his position.
“You were saying.”
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Posted: Wed Jul 19, 2023 10:31 am
Somewhere in the back of her mind, Rhona knew Xi was speaking. She knew it was to her. But she was unable to answer. Ink black wings that she thought she had shed forever came back and rested around her shoulders. Wicked nails sunk into her flesh. An accented whisper recounted her sins in her ear.
It was all that existed.
The voices around her faded away, her kitchen vanished, and all around her twisted branches of glass reached for a starless night sky.
I shouldn’t be here. You shouldn’t be here
I am in all places where zer iz fear.
Had she screamed? She opened her mouth, but no sound came out. Not until Bischofite grabbed her wrists, and even then it was a pathetic attempt that died on her lips.
Hands on her face.
A voice through the noise.
“Micah, listen to me.”
A command she had not heard for years, but was powerless to ignore. Instinctively, she grabbed Misha’s wrists through her body struggled to break free.
“Listen to me and the sound of my voice. That’s all. Nothing else. Listen to my breathing. Make yours match mine.”
Dashed against the rocks, Rhona clung to whatever anchor she could. The voice sounded so far away, but she swam to it. And whenever swells of panic rose to fill her lungs, searched for the voice again, always rising to meet it.
“Good. Now focus on the feeling of my hands on our face. Nothing else. My voice. My breathing. My hands.”
My voice. My breathing. My hands. My voice. My breathing. My hands. My voice. My breathing. My hands. The old manta, forever on repeat in her mind when she wore her old skin. Back again and settling over her mind like a soothing rain.
“Feel the ground beneath you, Mikes. The way it supports you. Feel the counter behind you as it props you up.”
The floor and the counter. My voice. My breathing. My hands. The floor and the counter. My voice. My breathing. My hands.
Gradually, Misha added the sounds of the house. The settling of wood. The press of wind against the window panes.
When Rhona opened her eyes again, Misha had pressed his forehead into hers, staring at her with warm honey eyes. Words she’d buried and locked away bubbled to the surface all at once and locked her jaw… but he knew. Rhona knew that he knew. The way that he always knew.
She allowed him to lift her off of the ground and deposit her into a chair. Weakly, she directed him towards the glasses and reached out for Xi as she spoke. Distantly, she knew that was the first he’d seen of her panic -- by design of course. He would need reassurance just as much as she did.
“You were saying?”
So it began.
“Well… Xi… I supposed this is as good a time as any to let you in on this too. Take a seat, love.”
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Posted: Wed Jul 19, 2023 10:40 am
Shifting out of the way, away from Rhona, he let her brother in to help. He’d never helped someone in this position and was unfamiliar with it and nervous about it, to those who knew the easy to read tells. Watching he listened, figuring it was best to learn just incase, Xi kept is wide eyes on the pair waiting to see what would happen, would he be able to help his sister? He must know what he was doing….but that meant this had happened in the past - why?
As he found things he wanted to ask he pushed them aside, for now, in favor of waiting to see if Rhona came around and broke out of her panic. When she did he nearly jumped to hug her, and her brother, but he kept from doing so. He doubted either would appreciate his lanky body hugging them right now, though maybe Rhona wouldn’t mind too much.
“Mmm, I suppose so. I have wondered….I just - it wasn’t something for me to ask.” Though he’d shared his life with Rhona. That was his choice and he didn’t get to choose for Rona if she shared her past, with him or anyone else, it wasn’t something he could do. Shuffling over to the table he sat himself down, careful to avoid wet spots and remains of the mug on the floor. “Do you want me to also explain our relationship then? So your brother doesn’t get the wrong idea...or anything?” He questioned softly, honestly curious. He didn’t want her brother to dislike him, this was Rhona’s brother after all. He didn’t want the other to dislike him or have some bad impression of him.
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Posted: Wed Jul 19, 2023 10:42 am
Xi didn’t have to wait for Rhona to come to him on her own. But he did. And she loved him for that. She gently reached over with a small, faded smile and clasped his hand.
“Well, now is as good a time as any. As for us, I think maybe I should go first. Get some of the harder things out of the way. Make it a soft landing and all that.”
But where to begin? At the beginning, that was the most obvious answer. But where even was the beginning? Where did it all start? Rhona cleared her throat, if only to bide herself a little time before she cautiously began, watching both men as she gauged their reactions.
“Well… Misha, do you remember, way back when, at the very end of… well at the very end?” He nodded and Rhona pressed on. “Well, who I was back then was entirely a reaction of something that I was going through. Someone I was fighting but… wait… I suppose that’s not really the beginning, is it? Um…”
Then what was?
“I didn’t… ask… to be awakened. I didn’t even really want to be. When we were 18, this cat found me, a guardian, and gave me a pen and a name and a new life and then ******** off. I didn’t get a teacher or a mentor or anything until much later… and by then it may have been too late.
“Most of what I learned about Acubens and what it meant to be a senshi I learned from trial and error. Something things, like space travel, I learned from others. Combat I learned from Jett Draven. Codes of ethics and honor I learned later from a girl named Lenka. But… the belonging… it never really happened. I tried to belong to people like Lenka and Polaris and other who tried to help me but… it was ill fitting.
“And then I met a man named Remarque and a woman named Leto. They weren’t White Moon but they weren’t Negaverse. They were… something else… and they talked to me. I mean really talked to me. They answered my questions and gave me advice. It was… nice… and then I met this woman named Lesath and… god she was breath taking. Beautiful and strong and funny and smart. I was dating Keren at the time but… I think the first time I ever really loved was when I met Lesath…
“But then Keren awoke as a knight and I had to stay with her. To teach her and protect her but… with Remarque, Leto, and Lesath all pulling me into their fold I just… I got so lost.”
Rhona stopped and watched the muscles of her hands working as she spoke, her fists clenching and unclenching.
“I would have corrupted sooner had it not been for Keren. She extended Micah’s life by several years.” She could feel Misha glowering at her as she admitted something she had really even understood until this point.
“What I need you to understand, Misha, is that this,” she gestured to herself and then widely around her, “this was all inevitable. Just a matter of time. And I kept digging myself deeper holes with the people around me. I wanted them to see the Dark Mirror Court the way I did. As something wholly different from what we were and what the Negaverse was. All I got for my words was scorn. And then there was the ambush. The negaverse and Dark Mirror attacked a meeting of Order. I was there. I got into the middle of it. Looking back I understand why the Dark Mirror was there. They were small and new. They needed to protection of the Negaverse while they found their legs and new recruits. That’s what they were doing at the ambush -- seeking new recruits.
“Forced corruptions,” she clarified for Xi in a momentary break.
“I was so confused back then. But I still went back. And back. And back. And when the White Moon ambushed the Dark Mirror Court back, I was there again. Fighting for my side. The Dark Mirrors.”
Rhona paused again, ignoring the flapping of ink-black wings behind her.
“And then there was Bischofite. I’ll never know why I latched on to him the way I did. I thought… I thought that if I brought him down I could save myself. But he was stronger than me. Smarter. More ruthless. He began testing to see what I would risk to stop him. Would I put a civilian in danger? Two civilians? Three? Would I allow them to be hurt? Would I allow them to be killed? Would I kill them myself.
“Yes. I would.”
Sorrow slid through her like poison as she spoke, shaking her body with silent sobs as she recounted her sins.
“I wasn’t even the one to kill him. He died in a warehouse fire of his own creation; of his own mania. He had burned out and I had nothing to do with it. Nothing I did to him mattered. All of those people died for nothing…”
She sniffed and sat up straight, wiping the moisture from her eyes as she did so.
“So I died too. Effectively. I found Leto, our princess, and I asked to come home. She brought me willingly and that, as they say… is that… I’ve been here ever since.”
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Posted: Wed Jul 19, 2023 10:42 am
Listening to Rhona speak, to her past, he understood her better now. He was sure of it. It was why she cared so deeply, so fiercely, for their court. They had taken her in when she had been broken and needed a place to go - a family. She hadn’t fit in with the white moon so she was welcomed here. Smiling softly Xi-Wang found his fingers moving to ruffle her wild mess of curls. “I’m glad you came into the fold. If you didn’t…..where would I be now?” He shook his head, smiling as he did so.
Curling into his seat, as much as his lanky body allowed, he drew his legs up and held them in place. “I can’t say I fought as long as Rhona did nor was I in the white moon - for which I’m glad. I suppose my home life is why I fit in so well in the dark mirror, I’m sure I’d have wound up here eventually even if I started off white moon.” From the sound of it he doubted he’d do well on the other side. It didn’t sound like his opinions and views would be appreciated or that anyone would hold him so close.
“My mother raised me on her own, she was a Chinese immigrant, and though I didn’t know it was a child she hated - everything about me. I was male and I was Chinese and that was all wrong to her. I didn’t know that until she found herself a girlfriend. That was when I really felt it...when I stopped being her little panda.” A nickname he’d had growing up, something he’d never mentioned to Rhona or anyone else.
“Holidays were no longer celebrated, Chinese food or speaking Chinese were done away with. Stories at bedtime ended.” And it had hurt, it still did when he thought about it. He should have seen it, should have known his mother disliked him so much. But he hadn’t.
“When I wasn’t in school, doing homework, or playing video games I would sleep. I could be free there to dream and live another life...to dream all kinds of things - anything to escape reality. Everything I said I needed to think about...did it offend someone or could it. I should let others speak before me - put myself last.” He waved his hand about a bit as he spoke, hoping the other would understand what he really meant - understand it all. It was hard to explain, and he would likely get into ranting about it.
“I didn’t ask to join this war either, like Rhona didn’t, it wasn’t a cat though who brought me in. At the time I was transferring from one private school to another, one which would keep me on campus more and wouldn’t let my mother onto campus. I was tired of her bringing me to protests and running my life. It was my small act of saving myself, what little remained of me and hadn’t been brainwashed or given up. I was trying to get back to campus before lights out whenI was cornered and...powered up into a dark mirror senshi. She didn’t tell me much...didn’t help me -I haven’t seen her since. It was Remarque who saved me...who gave me a family.”
Standing, legs unfolding slowly, he went to get himself a drink from the fridge - cold water. Pouring himself a glass, leaving the bottle on the counter top, he took a sip slowly to settle himself. “I don’t even remember how we met but we did, and I’m thankful for it. Remarque knew I was living on campus and didn't want to go home, ever again, but with no other place to go I’d have no option when school let out. He put me up in a motel and hired me to work for him. He was willing to trust me without knowing me… just knowing I was one of his senshi. Rhona, your sister, when she found me and learned where I was staying offered me her place. So I moved in.” Trash bag full of possessions and all.
“They’ve accepted me, so has everyone else I’ve met. We’re small...even now. But we have our own legs to stand on - we’re a family and Rhona is like a sister...and a bit of a mother too.” Biting on his bottom lip he kept his dark eyes away from Rhona as he spoke, as he gave voice to how he viewed her.
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Posted: Wed Jul 19, 2023 10:44 am
So they hadn’t known one another all that long… the man wasn’t there when Micah crossed over. That was small comfort for Misha, but comfort nonetheless. At the mention of Rhona being like a sister, however, jealousy flared to like with a distinct flush of color on his neck.
“The fact that you didn’t feel like you could come to me, your brother, with all of this trauma is… insulting. To say the very least.”
The sentiment hadn’t even fully formed in his mind when he spoke, but the words leapt from his lips all the same. And he suddenly realized that they were true. His sister, the one he shared a womb with. The one he’d grown with. The one who had vowed to be there no matter what, and to whom he had made the same vow… had kept so much from him.
“I knew who you were, as Acubens, and still you chose to bear this burden alone. And I know that I should be wounded for you and not myself but I’m not. I’m pissed off. And betrayed. And alone now because you made that choice.”
Misha let the silence settle between them.
“Well…” he finally sighed, taking special care to adjust the cuffs of his shirt before he sniffed and looked back up.
“It seems like you’ve had this very well in hand since you left, Micah.”
The sudden, wounded look in his sister’s eyes didn’t escape Misha. He took care to make no obvious signs that he noticed, however, and continued.
“You’ve grown up, Little Bird. Grown into a woman without me, and therefore into a woman that I do not know.”
He heard his sister draw in a breath, but he spoke to silence her.
“I don’t know what I expected to get, coming back here. Maybe it was a mistake.” The sudden movement of his rising caused the glass on the table to rattle dangerously before settling again, water unspilled.
“Xi, it was nice meeting you. Micah… well it’s good to know you're alive.”
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Posted: Wed Jul 19, 2023 10:45 am
Of all of the responses that Misha could have come up with, Rhona had not expected this. Though, once it happened, why shouldn’t it have ended like this? What had she really been thinking? Telling him all of this? That he would fall back into her arms and lament her suffering as his own? Take her in his and kiss her wounds all better? There were no wounds left to kiss. Only twisted scar tissue and severed nerves.
Of course this was the only way it could end.
Whatever counter she was preparing died on her tongue before Misha interrupted her.
“Good to know you are too,” she returned weakly right before the door shut, letting in an unseasonable gust of chilly air. She sat still and silent for a long moment before she let out a shaky breath and sat back in her chair.
“I don’t think… that could have gone any better. What do you think, Xi?”
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Posted: Wed Jul 19, 2023 10:46 am
“Given the past, from what was just said by you both, no..I don’t think it could have gone better.” Offering the bottle of water to her as he moved to settle himself on the floor near to Rhona. He was mindful of the glass, not wanting to cover her floor in blood as well, one leg was drawn up and an arm draped across his knee. The other hand, glass encircled by fingers, raised up towards his face so he could take a drink from his own glass.
“It could have gone worse as well. So perhaps this is some sort of neutral ending to the reunion…” He whispered as he tipped his head back to look up at her.
“Give it time...see if anything more happens. Maybe something will - maybe not.” Maybe Rhona would get some happiness from her brother...maybe it would become like he and his own mother, he hoped it wouldn’t be like him and his mother. Rhona deserved a happy ending...and it sounded like her brother did as well.
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Posted: Wed Jul 19, 2023 10:47 am
“No… no I don’t think it will.” Rhona gripped her mug tighter as she fought back tears again. It was like losing him a second time. Well… not like, she supposed. She was losing him a second time. She sniffled once, wiped some excess moisture from her eyes, and stood on shaking legs.
“But it is what it is. That we found each other again at all was a complete fluke. It’s a blessing that it happened at all. And I know that he’s alive. That’s all that matters.”
She looked around her kitchen as though seeing it for the first time. She even jumped at the sight of the broken glass as though she hadn’t known it was there.
“Come on. We need to have this cleaned up before Lavender gets home, or else she’ll throw a fit. And you promised me food, remember?”
She forced a smile, and she knew it was obvious, but she also hoped that soon she wouldn’t need to force it. After all, she had meant what she said. At least she knew Misha was alive and somewhat well. And while she did wonder what kind of man he was now, she also knew that she had no claim to that knowledge.
And that had to be enough.
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