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 Posted: Wed Jan 01, 2020 12:49 pm
"Yes," Nataniel answered blatantly, gaze pinned unflinchingly on December's face. Of course that was all he expected the younger man did with his day. He'd never witnessed anything different, and there had never been talk of anything different. Nat had been upfront with his own schedule so that there would be no confusion when he would be available. He had to attend class. He went out with friends on the weekend. He had engagements with other online acquaintances at more specific intervals, and he had time for December only sparingly.
The other man wasn't the only one to complain that Nat was cold, callous, or indifferent, but he hardly felt it was his job to coax personal things out of people. Besides, December may as well have said there was no point in talking if Nataniel wasn't going to pity him for it.
He was still accusatory. Still judgemental. Still doubtful. Still full of mistrust and bitterness.
But December's fingers slipped down to curl against Nat's own, and he still... wanted... He still liked his name on his friend's lips, even tinged with fear and desperation. ...But December knew Nat liked these things because Nat had told him he liked these things. How was he supposed to even trust this boy? Why should he?
A sigh escaped him on a short breath, and Nat's thumb dragged lightly over the back of December's hand. He did want to go home. He did want an explanation, to understand. And he was not in a mood to put up too much a fight. Not here, in the middle of the sidewalk, anyway. "Just be quiet until we get there," he murmured. "I need to think."
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Posted: Wed Jan 01, 2020 1:11 pm
December was only a few seconds away from falling on his knees and begging for Nataniel to not leave him alone. Thankfully, it didn’t come to that, and something about what he did or said seemed to reach his friend.
Even if everything was cold still.... Nat still seemed to value him enough to keep him close. And December thanked him over and over and over again in his head. Maybe later he’d be allowed to say more.
He only nodded silently, taking a moment to lace their fingers together and break his eyes away from the other’s. That harsh gaze could be met only so much before he felt like he would crumble under it.
At least he wasn’t going to be forgotten... And he followed beside his dear friend in silence, hoping that the walk home would be quicker rather than not.
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Posted: Wed Jan 01, 2020 1:41 pm
It frustrated him, Nat thought as they headed toward his apartment. It frustrated him so much that December could claim not to value the knowledge and ability he'd been given. Nataniel had told dog boy that he 'didn't want to be like him,' and it was certainly true, as he didn't want to be a vile, uncultured hybrid werewolf thing. But December was normal. He still played games with Nat and went to cafes with Nat... He had a life. One in which he would be capable of protecting himself from werewolves and monsters and the like.
But he hadn't asked for it, is what he told Nat.
How much of what December said was true, he wondered? There was certainly little reason for the younger man to need to deceive him. If he wanted energy, or... starseeds or whatever, he could just take. It wasn't like Nat could do anything to stop him. December didn't need to try and force himself to be Nat's friend. He didn't need to pretend to be innocent and stupid.
Nataniel wasn't the best at determining the signals that could lead him to know whether December's actions were 'real,' or just a show for him, but he had to assume since there was no point in the deception (unless it was just a game these people liked to play?) that it was likely... true that the other man was a helpless, idiotic, immature, whiner, if all the blubbering he'd just done was anything to go by.
So the experience they'd shared after the party during the festival... That was probably 'real,' and even if it had been an easy excuse to drain his energy, Nat wasn't sure if he could personally differentiate that feeling from what he would've normally felt like after going out and drinking well into the night.
So... if he believed that December hadn't lied to him any more than what would be expected he'd need to in order to protect himself from the opposition Arthur said existed (though Nat had never seen), then his only real question was why would December, an incapable child be invited to partake in this cult.
His gaze slid down to their interlocked fingers, then back up as they made it to the parking lot of his apartment. They still had to make it up the stairs to his second-floor building-
What if Gabriel was home?
So many people seemed involved in this, he wondered if Gabe knew... So, of course that stung a bit too. Nat prided himself on his intelligence, his observational skills. And this had been kept from him for so long... And for even December to know seemed like a particularly harsh slap. He unlocked the door.
"You can wait in the living room," Nataniel muttered as he dislodged his fingers from December's grip and moved away, toward the kitchen.
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Posted: Wed Jan 01, 2020 2:03 pm
Perhaps it was nothing so new that December’s thoughts were a lot less complicated than Nataniel’s were.
He thought of the pain he figured he put his friend through.
He thought of the potential of suddenly being snatched away from Nataniel’s side by his general.
He thought of how much it would hurt to be fully rejected by Nataniel, told to leave, and to never come back...
This place, this apartment, in a way, it had become home now. Nataniel was slowly becoming his point of return, where he’d always try to come back to. If all of that were to be jeopardized because of something he didn’t have control over, December wasn’t sure if he could go on.
Would life really be worth living if he was forced to go back to how miserable he was before...?
He couldn’t answer himself, only dwell on the thought until told to sit down. Those warm fingers slipped from his own, leaving him almost lost in the living room alone.
What other choice did he have but to obediently sit down and wait quietly until he was told to speak again?
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Posted: Wed Jan 01, 2020 2:18 pm
He had icy hot packs in the freezer, already prepared as Nataniel was no stranger to the occasional sprain or a little extra soreness after working out. The cuts and small burns were things he was less accustomed to, but he was less prepared in that regard. Surely they'd be fine after a shower, after December left. He pulled two packs from the freezer and wrapped each in a kitchen towel before heading back to the living room.
One he tossed absently toward December as Nat slid into a seat on the couch. Maybe he should still be wary of the younger man. For all that he'd reasoned himself out of it, Nat did feel ridiculously drained.
He leaned sidelong, laying his head against the armrest, stretching his legs out, and reaching to settle the second pack against his swollen ankle.
A nap would be the most ideal thing right now. So much had happened in just the last hour of his life, and Nat wasn't used to his emotions spiking so chaotically in multiple directions. He was confused, he was upset, he was bitter, he was betrayed. It was an uncomfortable and unwanted plethora of feelings. But a nap would only blunt the sharpness of the sensation rather than alleviate it.
He looked at December, dark eyes half-lidded. "Well?"
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Posted: Wed Jan 01, 2020 2:49 pm
He fumbled, barely catching the pack thrown at him. And even as he he’d it, he didn’t think to apply it to anywhere that seemed aching. The only place that truly hurt was his head and his heart, and he didn’t think an ice pack could really help with either of those.
He squeezed his eyes shut, forcing up those memories that he tried really hard to smother out, but Nataniel had asked, no, demanded him to explain himself and he would.
December started with the night of his corruption. The raid on his house, the murder of the gang and his sister who had her starseed crushed. He spoke of how the general, Leucite gave him a choice, make up for his siblings’ betrayal or die. It was an obvious choice to make, especially given that he had been left trapped in that house from the moment his parents had died.
And then he spoke of being left behind by Leucite, the way his teammates hated him, or ignored him. Of failure after failure and then being placed with his current General, and the deal they had made. Sex in exchange for helping with his ‘quota’. How that started, and went well until it didn’t. That sex had become beatings, ones he knew he wouldn’t be able to survive unless he was powered. And he spoke of how he felt he couldn’t run away, that any time he had to cancel plans was because that general snatched him away with a power that could get him into the Negaverse, but because he was weak, he couldn’t get back to Earth on his own.
Most days were spent recovering from those ‘sessions’, curled up in the barracks and letting the Negaverse power help him heal, not simply playing games or being with his brother. He tried to explain that seeing June was hardly a thing these days... After all, he wanted to be with Nataniel more than June.
Nataniel’s presence was a choice made by both of them in their lives, unlike June... June would always seem like an obligation, especially since the man chose to leave his entire family behind.
“... I have a power but I’m just as weak as ever. And I’m told over and over and over again I don’t belong here. I kinda get it though. Everyone thinks the same way as you, I’m pathetic and weak and too stupid to be here. That’s how I got into it all with my General, because he knows it too. I’m not blaming anyone for it all though... And in the end, I am making up for what my siblings did so... I’m sorry... I really am... I didn’t think I was lying so much that I hurt you...”
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Posted: Fri Jan 03, 2020 6:49 am
A scattering of idiots. It was as if no one involved had put much thought into the future and only considered the immediate present. What was most selfishly immediately beneficial. Which Nataniel supposed shouldn't have been surprising to him, as it seemed the majority of the population was more inclined to stupidity than not. Nat didn't know 'Leucite,' but he wasn't under the impression that the general had known December very well either. And had just assumed that this young, stupid boy would be capable of doing anything to make up for someone else's faults.
He pinched the bridge of his nose. Even Nataniel knew that most 'normal' people would feel bad, offer support, express concerns. He could not. As he'd previously warned, he didn't often feel pity, but what he did feel was unwavering disgust, strong enough to make his stomach roil and lip curl.
It wasn't even exclusive to Leucite or December's second general, but for this boy too.
How could he possibly not feel this when the younger man had outright used the word 'choice.' He'd had a choice to do something different and decided not to. How dare he complain. How dare he expect pity. He'd decided to join the Negaverse, made that commitment and then was bad at it. Nataniel hardly blamed his teammates for hating him. He'd been part of a team and failed them.
And so when that didn't work out, he'd decided to do something else, make a deal with someone else. The deal was vile, and Nat could almost not even fathom how absurdly selfish of the general it was, to put personal wants above the betterment of the organization he was pat of- that he was a leader in.
But December had agreed. That was his prerogative.
All of these people were disgusting.
"Would it not have been easier?" Nataniel muttered, as he shifted to lay on his back to glower at the ceiling rather than the other man in the room. "You could have- still could, at any point- accept death. Then you would not be this sniveling mess on my living room floor."
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Posted: Fri Jan 03, 2020 7:28 am
"... I thought about it. Because it would be easier to just die..." It was something December never really said out loud. Admitting it made the thought that much more real, and it scared him, to the point where he began to tremble. There were times where he had found himself exhausted beyond belief, curled up in the park somewhere and just wanting it to all be over. Or times when he'd come back to Earth, beaten and bloodied, looking over the edge of some high place and thinking how wonderfully nice it would be to sleep forever and not think about anything else.
But he never got pushed passed that point.
"Not everything was bad... Yeah, it hurt and all, but I found my first friend... And my brother, June... I didn't feel so alone anymore. And then I met you, and we got along so well, and I really, really felt like I didn't want you to vanish like they did... So maybe life wouldn't be so bad if I kept trying to make it work. I followed what I was told to do, and everything hurt a little less... And I did get a little stronger! I was able to help when that plant monster came by! I was able to just not be completely useless there but..." He stopped, presses his palms to his eyes to try to stop the flow of tears that were pushing harder and hard to come flowing out again.
"I still messed it up... Should I go then? Should I just leave? I don't want to keep bugging you over and over and over again if you really do hate me now..."
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Posted: Fri Jan 03, 2020 8:19 am
What a helpless, pitiful child. Nataniel wondered if he should have noticed it earlier, when December had admitted to being anxious about asking him a question, or when he stuttered and said all he wanted was to do what Nat wanted, or when he pulled on his sleeves so Nat wouldn't see the marks on him, or anytime December muttered an apology. His entire persona was a victim, and he did almost nothing to fix it, beyond 'following' what he was supposed to do.
He should have known. He didn't mind hanging out with December because Nat enjoyed the games they played, and he appreciated consistent, committed company. He could ignore December's problems because they certainly weren't his problems. It wasn't Nat business or duty to fix issues for people who got themselves into a mess and didn't even bother trying to get themselves out.
It still wasn't his job.
And he was tired. And his body ached. And he wanted to go to sleep. And he wanted to be alone, somewhere dark and quiet, because people were so much work. And Nataniel didn't even know how to begin to explain his perception of the situation to someone like December.
He sighed, twisted over to be facing the back of the couch, and folded his arms in front of his chest as best he could while laying down. "Do whatever you want, December."
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Posted: Fri Jan 03, 2020 10:26 am
December hated to admit it, but he was exhausted too. Words were hard, feelings were hard, crying was hard too. And not knowing what Nataniel was thinking just made it even harder.
There was only one thing he knew for certain, and that was Nat wanting him to do whatever he wanted. Typically, he felt lost with such freedom. It was strange, and he didn't like it. He wanted to give up that control to someone else, and wanted to be told how to think or act, whether to stay or leave. Such freedom left him scared, no, terrified that he'd make the wrong choice and end up making everything worse. But right now, how could anything get any worse...?
No, he knew exactly how much worse it could get, and could feel that dread creeping up the back of his neck. And for the brief moment that he sat there in silence as Nat turned away from him, he was lost, until he came to a decision.
He did not want to lose Nataniel.
As silently as he could, he stood up, disappearing from sight for a short while, before coming back. In his hands he held a blanket from where he remembered they were, and layed it overtop of Nat, flinching only slightly when he thought he'd be lashed at.
"I want to stay." His words were firm. Soft, but there was no wavering to them this time. And he did stay, laying down on the floor infront of the couch, clearly in the way but determined not to leave just yet. Not until Nat told him to. "And I want to keep liking you. So..."
He breathed deep, trying to steel his shot nerves. "So I'm going to."
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Posted: Fri Jan 03, 2020 10:54 am
With the sun set, it was mostly dark in his apartment. He'd turned the kitchen light on when he'd retrieved the ice packs, and the glow of it reached into the living room, where he hadn't even bothered to turn the overhead light on. It was night, he was tired, and he felt marginally better in only the soft lighting. Anything brighter would give him a headache. Nataniel shut his eyes, frowning slightly at the back of the couch. He would feel better in the morning. He'd shower to cleanse out the cuts from vines and stinging pollen, take an Advil to alleviate the worst of his aches, and prepare for the day as normal.
If he could only fall asleep.
It was moments after his uttered command that December draped a blanket over him. Nat was too aware of the quiet answer, 'I want to stay,' and the body present somewhere beneath him. He inhaled slowly and exhaled a sigh, but otherwise made no comment.
He didn't hate December. There were certainly things they didn't agree on, things Nataniel was unprepared to tolerate in long doses, and he knew he was callous, by gentle standards. He didn't impose himself on people, preferring to stay in his room and find most of his camaraderie over the Internet because when face-to-face people could behave so stupidly and it disgusted him. It wounded him when they thought him abnormal when everyone else could stomach watching other people make fools of themselves with poor choices. Nataniel didn't understand.
He didn't understand December, either.
It was half an hour, an hour, longer, he didn't know, when Nataniel rolled over to lay on his back and watch the ceiling. Headlights from a passing car cast a brightness along the walls as it moved, before vanishing.
"We are not alike," he murmured, as he recalled saying something similar the last time they'd met. "We do not... think the same or feel the same... or appreciate the same things." The words were quiet, a low hum in the air, and not expressly meant for December at all. But Nataniel wanted to understand. They were for him. "People who refuse to own their choices are pathetic. It is easy to let someone else decide and accept the effects because that allows you to blame someone else and be a victim and garner pity." he said. "But it... makes so little sense."
"You fear 'worse' when you are already at the limits of what you can endure. What even is 'worse'? Pain? Death? These things are inevitable. And you have no one close to you who would suffer if you decided incorrectly. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain, so I do not understand you."
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Posted: Fri Jan 03, 2020 11:09 am
It wasn't hard at all to doze off, curled up on the floor like that. Compared to the times he was left outside, this could be considered bliss. But the sleep was shallow, laced with unease and worries, and was quickly gone when Nataniel began to speak.
And he listened. As closely as he could, trying to make sense of what Nataniel was saying. He barely caught it, at first, sitting up to better hear, and then eventually resting his head on the cushion beside Nat's belly, still sitting on the floor.
"I'm used to being called pathetic, and I don't thinks it's wrong to say I am either. I know I am, and have come to accept that as a fact. I'm a person who felt like they had no choice, but accepted that as the final outcome anyway, and have been dealing with it... You're right, I haven't been trying to change things either... I don't have anything to lose, and if I gain it, what if that's get taken away from me too?" His arm came up to cushion his head more, looking up towards Nat with tired eyes.
"Worse is losing the people I care about... So it's hard to try anything... But I have been trying, little by little. I made sure I could come see you whenever you wanted me to, right? Even if it meant punishments for my general, or compromising what little time I had to see my brother, I wanted to see you... I chose being with you, and seeing you, and playing with you, touching you, kissing you, over everything else... And no one else decided that for me.... I don't understand you either, but do I have to? I want to keep liking everything about you, even the parts I don't get, because it's still what makes you you."
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Posted: Fri Jan 03, 2020 11:48 am
"This is foolish," Nataniel answered, voice still low and flat. "It is foolish to accept undesirable things, to do nothing to change them, to perceive any situation as being one with 'no choice.' Life is full of choices, some you wold never even realize you made. Why should anyone else see you differently than how you see yourself? Why should anyone else bother to care when you do nothing? And this seems like such a simple concept to me, so easy to grasp. I can barely fathom how anyone would not understand." His brows knit, lips forming into a thin line. "I do not enjoy not understanding."
"You would rather have nothing forever than to have something even briefly," he muttered, as the other man expressed fear over losing anything he might gain. All of these were just bad choices. December had been making bad choices for so long, and he never seemed to learn from them.
How could anyone be like this? Why would anyone want to be?
"Do the people you care about even care about you in return? No one has done anything for you. No one has even had this conversation with you." He pinched his tongue between his teeth, body tensing and lip curling as he glowered at December after the other man explained that he'd accepted punishments and compromised his time to see him when Nat wanted him to. "And do not blame me for your situation."
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Posted: Fri Jan 03, 2020 12:10 pm
"I said I was changing, didn't I? I said I was doing things differently, and I said that I am doing what I can. But it's never going to be enough is it? To you, to anyone. Like you said, no one has done anything for me, no one has thought about me, and I don't care if they do or not!" Even December had a limit, and he sat up straight.
"What do you want me to say, Nataniel? You're talking in circles, over and over again, telling me I'm pathetic and foolish and it makes me feel even more bad than I already do! I'm not blaming anyone! I just want to be happy, okay?! So why are you doing this?! Why are you trying so hard to make me go 'okay, alright, I'm useless and messed up and it's my own fault', when I have, and then put me down for admitting you're right?! It's like, I'm not even allowed to try to change or explain myself because somehow I'm still dirty in your eyes!"
He wished he stayed asleep, or maybe ignored what Nat had said. He wished he would have left and gone back to the park and slept there, or somewhere. Atleast then he wouldn't feel like his very character was being torn apart for no reason. And he wouldn't be ready to sob again.
It was all so overwhelming, like talking to a robot, or a wall, but even then he didn't want to give up.
"Why is it that I keep saying I want you, I want to choose you over everyone else because I like you and want to be close to you, but you keep saying things like 'you're pathetic, December' like I don't already know! Do you want me to leave, because I will! I don't want to, but I will, because at this point, I have no freaking clue what you want!" By now he was on his feet, standing above Nataniel and looking down at him. And he was beyond pathetic, face a mess, nose watering and eyes red from his tears. His skin was still torn and sore in places, dirt smudging his face and clothing, but he was here.
And he was trying.
"I don't need to explain everything to you, when you won't even accept any explanation I give! Can't you just go 'I don't understand, but that's okay'? Or do you need to keep pushing my face into the dirt with every word? If you do, then why? Why do you have to keep doing that? What does it do? Who does it benefit? You ask me that over and over, but you tell me!"
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Posted: Fri Jan 03, 2020 1:11 pm
Nataniel considered himself a patient man. Despite how much he enjoyed things neat, and tidy, and perfect, they seldom were. It wasn't a reasonable expectation to have. Life was complicated. People were messy. Imperfection wasn't something he could be worked up consistently over. It would be draining, demoralizing. But he could and did always want better. 'Better' was broader, more achievable and more likely to come in its own time. He could wait for better.
And he didn't mind prompting it when he had to.
The lights from lampposts outside or the head beams off of cars flickered less frequently now, but Nataniel had no clock in the room, no way to judge what time of night it actually was except to know that it was late. This seemed... irrelevant, though. It wasn't as if he'd been having much luck sleeping.
Nataniel watched the ceiling as December stood. He gazed upward while the other man snapped at him, cried, shouted, demanded answers of him. Nataniel waited, dark eyes, nearly black in the dim lighting, focused on the arrhythmic pinpricks of material that made up his living room ceiling. He was a patient man, and he didn't often get worked up over much. There was so infrequently reason to.
But there was a pause in December's tirade, and the silence was heavy and practically ringing in the air.
Nat's dark gaze slid from the ceiling, turning to pin to the younger man, and the dark was accented by just a piercing glint of the red from his iris as he lurched to a sit, arm snapping out in the same motion to sink into the fabric at the front of December's shirt and wrench him forward. He dragged the other onto his lap, snatching up one of December's wrists in one hand while the other climbed the front of his shirt like a spider, pinching at December's jaw so he could tilt the younger man's face away from him as he leaned in.
"You think I want you to agree with me?" Nataniel hissed softly against his ear. His Indian accent, usually very faint was heavier now. The words melded into each other. "That's what you think I want you to say?" He dragged his nose along the shell of December's ear. "I keep repeating myself because I want you to respond differently. I want you to tell me that you aren't pathetic and then show. Me. I want you to ask for help instead of blubbering in acceptance and doing nothing because you don't understand anything except how to suffer."
He touched his lips lightly just beneath December's ear, and his next words were softer, closer to a whisper. "Who does it benefit?" His grip around the other boy's chin tugged, and he drew December's lavender gaze back to meet his own. "You. It is okay to do things that benefit yourself, sometimes. Most people do."
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