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 Posted: Wed Sep 25, 2019 9:59 am
"... It's awkward." 'Mali finally admitted, though he kept his eyes fixated on the screen as best he could. Game after game scrolled by but he didn't really read the names of any of them.
"I loved you... And Now you're asking about if I love someone else, if I kissed them. I'm not an open person... I can't just talk about these things casually when it's all very new in my mind... To tell you that someone came around to love me when you told me that you couldn't after I asked sounds wrong..."
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Posted: Wed Sep 25, 2019 10:09 am
There was the wall. A divide.
There was some strange tone of fault. That Mali loved him and he couldn't and it made him feel like the bad guy for being honest. That he failed in not meeting his feelings and would be punished for it by that closed wall.
"Will it ever be right with us?" He asked, looking over to him finally. "Just because I couldn't love you that way doesn't mean I don't love you another. I wanted to be honest with you. I want you to be happy."
His eyes dropped and he went back to looking at the screen.
"I feel like a dirty ex that you can't ever turn to if you ever encounter a problem in your love life you need some perspective with." He breathed out. "I just want to be there for you."
"But you already answered my question with what you just said. I hope you two can make each other happy." He tapped his claws against the joystick.
"And if he ever breaks your heart, I'll kill him."
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Posted: Wed Sep 25, 2019 10:32 am
"How is digging into an intimate topic like that being honest? It's prying into something that's private. It's not a matter of things being right with us, it's a matter of having some consideration that romance is a sore spot that goes away with time. Love doesn't just vanish in a single instant when I decide enough is enough... Saying something like that, it makes me think you're jealous, that maybe you changed your mind about what I asked before, and I know for a fact that it just isn't true, is it?" What did 'Mali know about love anyway? Yes, it hurt when he was told no, but slowly and surely he was getting over it. Enough so that they were talking again, that he was here after all, pushing aside those feelings as best he could, so that he could spend time with one of his first friends.
Why did it feel like every time he tried, he ended up back at where they were before?
"You don't need to be there for my love life when you are, as you said, unable to feel love like you used to. How can I come to you for something like 'feelings' when you told me time and time again that some don't make sense to you anymore? That loving deeply doesn't come easy, or that all your heart or dedication belongs to the Negaverse, something I can't and won't ever be able to relate to. We don't need to force that part of a 'stereotypical relationship', you know. It can be easy. It can be casual, like playing these games and going out to do the work we were assigned. And perhaps the occasional spa day or time out on the town when we can." 'Mali was trying so very hard to not let his voice be raised, but it was clear he was irritated by this all. At this point, he let the controller rest in his lap, and looked straight at Wolframite with a cold glare.
"... And I'd appreciate it if you didn't threaten him like this. You can't go around killing people just because of heart break. Could you say that to yourself, when you broke mine? And when you broke your ex-husband's as well?"
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Posted: Wed Sep 25, 2019 11:09 am
He went quiet, staring back as his insides stung as liquid nitrogen burned through his veins. Chill, he grilled the joystick and it was a a good thing that Chip build the controllers to last and that fur covered how white his knuckles would have been.
He could feel parts of him lick up inside, like a spooked snail curling into a shell to protect it's tender body from being torn.
"You're right." He kept all his energy to keeping his voice level. He kept it slow as to not let it crack.
"What do I ******** know about love? I can't even remember how my own started and look what I did with it. I'd just ******** up yours huh?"
And was he jealous? Yes. Selfishly so for all the wrong reasons. Because he wasn't the one making Mali happy. Because he wasn't the one that could easily make Mali smile. Because he wasn't the one that could spend night with him so casually. Because he wasn't the one that got to love him.
And that was his problem. Not Mali's. Admitting any of that would only hurt him more, and he didn't need to pour more salt in the wounds.
Just look at what you are doing? Your words have sharper claws then you do. You just will dog and dig in your desperation to keep him with you. He's going to bleed out as easily as he did that night. You didn't fox him that time. You can't.
"I'm sorry. I should have seen that and not have pried. That's your life. I have no part in it now."
What do I know about healing from loss.
He stared at the game. The custom console in his hand. The time. The thoughtfulness. The kind gestures to try and make things work.
"You remind me of him."
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Posted: Wed Sep 25, 2019 11:31 am
"Stop that. Stop that right now." The controller was pushed aside, his pillow abandoned instead to kneel properly in front of his friend. His hands took those large, fluffy wrists into them and squeezed them just enough to assure that the other he was there.
"There's no need to berate yourself like that. You're not going to '******** up' anything. But you are right to think you have no place there, unless you were in love with me. Which you are not. That aside, you are still my friend." There was differences in the strength now, more so than before, but he would still not let go. Especially when Wolframite would not look up at him.
"If you think you don't have a part, then make a part. As horribly cheesy as it sounds, I know now that hearts are fully capable of making room for everyone... And I still feel like yours can too." Another insult danced on his tongue.
Being compared to an ex-lover. Someone he betrayed in favor of revenge and pain...
It was terrifying, for it seemed like a parallel that would only lead to ruin..
"Unfortunately, I am not him. I had not earned your love, nor your time, or your hand. I'm only who I can be standing before you."
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Posted: Wed Sep 25, 2019 12:17 pm
He rose his claws up and stared at the ones holding his.
"You don't see it but you are like him. How you tax yourself. With offering your heart and loyalty. With trying. With kind, heartfelt gestures. With the sting of not getting what you want or need in return."
He stared into his eyes.
"I'm jealous."
"Not that he is your lover, but because he can make you happy. Happier then I could and even more. Because he can say yes. Isn't that mean? Isn't that ******** up?"
"He could make you happier so much more easily because I don't even know you either. And I hate that. I hate that I hate that because I should be overjoyed you found someone that made you smile like you did and yet I don't think anyone could be good enough to deserve that. That he could know you so much and offer you so much. To be someone you can rely on and not get hurt."
"Because I don't want you to go..."
"..and I want to be better at it."
" I want to be better."
He dropped his hands back to his lap.
"I'm a mess when I'm around you. I got so attached cause you were the first person to be my friend when everyone else was just there to train me and I didn't consider if it was right to be your friend when being a friend should mean I want what is best for you. But when I saw that guy come in
that night andd how he dotted over you, I got angry. I got so angry and I know it was the worst thing to do when you were bleeding there, but I wanted him to be gone. I wanted you to rely on me. Not him."
"You've earned my time Mali. You earned a lot. I don't think I have."
He stared back up. "I want to earn your friendship. I want to start over."
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Posted: Wed Sep 25, 2019 12:32 pm
"Think of this.. I've only offered that to you. No one, not even Gryphon had it given so easily, so please keep that in mind before you brush off my thoughts on you." 'Mali grew silent, letting Wolframite speak, admit that jealousy that he already knew existed.
It didn't make him happy to hear it... It was pitiful. Had this been three months ago, he would have fallen victim to these words. Reassuring time and time again that his love wouldn't change, and that his smiles could be the same as they were before.
It just wasn't possible for that to be the case again. Not as they were now.
"You do know he didn't come into my life knowing everything, right? He fought to find out that information, and took care of my thoughts and feelings... As peculiar as I am, he tried hard to find a way to fit into it, and he did. It's not as if you cannot do that as well." While the hands were taken away from him, he only moved them to pet the halfling's ears instead... Still as soft as ever... Atleast not everything changed.
"I don't think starting over is possible. If we were to throw everything away, I don't think I could make the same choices as I did before. I know where I fall in the Negaverse, and it's not the same as where you are. It will never be.. I'll never be as dedicated to it as you are, and I still fear that one day you will get the order to kill me because of my views. Could I still rely on you then? Could you keep me safe like you say you want to because of this?" He drew a little closer, pressing their foreheads together for just a moment, his words earnest, if a little trembling.
"My friendship is a selfish one. It will come to a point one day where I simply will ask 'could you put me before the Negaverse's rules'? If we start over, and you say no, I don't think we could be close."
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Posted: Wed Sep 25, 2019 12:56 pm
He stared back, the glow of his eyes soft against their features and looked up into his eyes.
What he asked was, for the briefest time, for a moment, to allow Mali the one thing he had wanted from the start. That Wolframite would put him before everything else, and it felt more like a premonition to be asked this. That at some point, he really would loose Mali once and for all, and if that time happened, who was he to keep him? If he left, had he not failed as a friend and an officer to keep him home? Had he somehow ruined something in not doing everything possible to keep him here?
Even as much as he wanted to grip Mali tightly and shackle him to this place, it would in no way feel like a place of comfort like it was for Wolframite. While he clung to the breast of the Negaverse, Mali never wished to be brought here and clawed more and more away.
He would never be a officer in the way they would demand if him. He would never be fully happy.
He would leave to the one place Wolframite wouldn't follow. Not again.
But who was he to deny Mali that when he had done that himself? But then again, was that not what the Queen and Faustite asked of him?
Could Metallia, even now, feel into his core and his mind and his heart the sliver of selfish uprising against a order for the sake of one friend?
"I could." He whispered, and he felt as if Olympus had shaken against his promise against the gods and he feared the wrath if it was ever found out.
He reached out and touched Mali's hair.
"Can I learn what your favorite game is?"
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Posted: Wed Sep 25, 2019 1:13 pm
'Mali was struck silent.
Time and time again, he was told that this was impossible. The Queen came first. His General came first. The Negaverse came first. Personal feelings were never a part he'd consider...
But now he was, and Mali was more than a little unsure of what to say.
No words were needed to smile at Wolframite and nod. And no words were needed to withdrawl from where he knelt to sit beside him and pick up the controller again.
"My favorite game... There are many. It depends on what sort of game you wish to play."
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Posted: Wed Sep 25, 2019 1:28 pm
"Something fun. Upbeat." He ask d, staring out and yet his mind felt hollow with buzzing thoughts.
What he said. What he promised. He had been so sure of himself but every time he faultered in some way and now, he had promised something in a desperate moment to cling.
To hold onto someone like Him and use it as a second chance to be better. And at what price? Absolutely everything. He made a mistake and yet there was no turning back from a moment of absolute weakness.
But if he died then - well - what of it then? Maybe he was just going to be used for someone else to be happy, but maybe it would be payback for what he had done in the past.
Yet still he felt jittery, his heart racing at some dark promise against everyone else. Again, for a selfish reason. Again, for something he wanted that could become treason.
He would never have Mali. Not in the way he wanted. And Mali would never have him the way he wanted. It was a compromise. A lacking acceptance.
And yet - there was a storm out there. Waiting for him to call back to this moment, this promise, and he feared it with every fiber if his being.
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Posted: Wed Sep 25, 2019 2:51 pm
”Alright.” He knew exactly which game he wanted to play, and quickly selected it, letting it load up with a few beeps, as the game was like to do.
As it did so, a knee bumped against Wolframite’s in hopes to reassure what was surely going through his head. “You do know that the same goes for you. My friendship with you will always come before my dedication to the Negaverse. You mean the world to me, and I don’t think that will change.”
Of course, the were others who matched that amount of affection, but for the moment, he’d let his friend think about it, let those words stew as Portal 2 loaded before them.
“And in saying that... I’m not going to go out of my way to test anything... It’s more along the lines that I selfishly want to feel like I have my own special place in your heart. It’s an amazing feeling..”
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Posted: Wed Sep 25, 2019 4:19 pm
He took the controller back and settled beside Mali, tail moving behind the both of them.
"You do. Don't know exactly where to place you, but. Yeah."
He sttared at the screen, not sure if he'd ever ask Mali for that kind of help that would out him before the Negaverse but wasn't that already easy for him? Still, at least it was there, and that was something .
"I don't think we get along though. Him and I. Maybe you'd be better off if we don't stick around each other."
"Is this robot game?" He asked when he saw the weird robots.
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Posted: Wed Sep 25, 2019 4:28 pm
“There’s no pressure to decide now. I’m just content to know that I’m there... Above the queen, and above anyone else.” His voice trailed off to silence, knowing that where they were, it was far more dangerous to say that here than anywhere else. Ahhh, the very thought made his belly warm, and helped his smile return.
The robots on the screen were hopping around, waiting for them to begin.
“Yes, robots... And you only met Gryphon once, in the worst circumstance. I won’t ask you to meet him again, but do promise me you won’t threaten to kill him atleast if you see him out and about.... And I know that his type is the kind that’s frequently targeted for drainings, but if you do see him... Just leave him alone. I’m trying to make him quit, but he’s stubborn. Stubborn to a fault.”
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Posted: Wed Sep 25, 2019 4:38 pm
"Shhhh." He whispered, looking around as his tail and parts of his hair rose. "Can you not repeat that. Just saying that makes me tense." He managed, already feeling his heart racing. "I am still loyal. Just - you know extreme circumstances and if you're dying." Mali was set to give him a heart attack and regret what he said.
He moved his controlled to let his robot move around.
"I guess I won't since you like having him around. But you should get him out of that life. I used to run with a guy and we used to kill drug dealers. The guy is probably still doing that and he is far stronger than I am. Gryph could get targetted one night and be shot up with magic."
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Posted: Wed Sep 25, 2019 4:47 pm
”I’m sorry, I’m sorry... I’ll try to keep it not so big of a deal, but it is, to me.” Again, his knee nudged Wolframite’s, this time lingering and rubbing against it affectionately. It felt as if he had won some long fought battle against the Negaverse. “I’ll have to have you say it again at some point, perhaps when we’re out of here and enjoying dinner together once again.”
How amazing it was to have just those few words reassure him....
“Used to? Do you mean as a knight, or as a Nega before everything happened? I’ve warned him before but... I imagine it’s like how it is with the Negaverse. Near impossible to escape unless you’re dead, or run away from everything that’s important to you.”
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